Want to annoy Edward Cullen? Well...don't try these. This list of ideas are done ONLY if you are

A) Suicidal, or

B) Trying to work on your 'running-faster-than-a-vamp-called-Edward-Cullen' powress.

Disclaimer: Do not attempt these things unless wishing to die. Do not assume you run faster than Edward Cullen without some prior certification. On the off chance that Edward Cullen does not kill you if you do any of these things about to presented, then The Romanticidal Edwardian assumes no responsibility for the miscalculation. Likewise, if certain family members disprove of your death resulted from attempting any of the ideas from the following list on the vampire known as Edward Cullen, and wish to have compensation, The Romanticidal Edwardian will not and can not be held accountable.

1) Sing "It's A Small World" not only IN your head, but also out LOUD. Go ahead. See what happens.

2) Go up to Bella in a store or something (while Edward is off getting something in some other part of the store) and ask her, "Hey? Are you walking to your car by yourself later? I'll just be over here watching you until you do." Who wants to guess what the first thing Bella tells Edward when he gets back is? Who wants to guess what Edward does in response? (Hint: Read disclaimer)

3) "Accidentally" key scratch "Jacob Black rulez!" into the side of his Volvo..."What? Oh no, Edward! Sorry, that silly key just kept dropping from my hand!...Right next to your car...a lot...at strange angles, that just happen to make words...huh. Weird, right?"

4) Send Bella to strip pole classes, telling her it's classes designed to, "Improve your balance. And, of course, the skimpy clothes are just so you're not weighted down while learning!" Then send Mike to watch. Then send Edward to watch Mike watch Bella. Then run away as fast you can when he realizes you set the whole thing up.

5) Ask him - really offhandedly and daydream-like - what his and Bella's kids would look like. Then snap out of it, look around in confusion, and then laugh, saying, "Oh, that's RIGHT! YOU can never have kids with Bella!" (Disclaimer: If Isabella Swan happens to kill you as well for this one, The Romanticidal Edward can STILL not be held liable)

6) Write a letter to the newspaper asking them to please have the Neighborhood Watch be on guard for the pedophile that is 107 years old and likes to hit on (previously) 17 year old girls.

7) Invite yourself to the Cullen household, declare it "movie night", and pop in "The 40-Year-Old Vigin". Continue to make suggestive remarks throughout the whole movie about knowing someone who puts the 40-year-old virgin to shame.

8) Ask Bella in a loud voice, with Edward clearly in the vicinity, what she sees in a lion-sucking virgin anyway?

9) Make loud remarks near Edward all about how vampires burn in the sun. When he finally snaps and tells you that vampires do not burn in the sun, they sparkle, stare at him blankly for a few moments before crying out, "WHAT!? SPARKLE!? What the hell are you guys? The homo vampires!?"

10) Ask Edward if he has any performance anxiety pertaining to his wedding night, because since you've been sneaking Bella out to go practice on Jake, you'd be only too obliged to help him practice too.

11) Announce to the entire student body at Forks High that Edward Cullen is the new official president of the "True Love Waits Club" because uh...yeah, he's pretty much the only one that still hasn't gotten any.

12) Contemplate loudly near him if you think that Bella really stopped him at the end of Eclipse from sexing her because she "wanted to wait" or because she didn't have time to prep herself to pretend that she was actually turned on by him, like usual. (Because, of course, she told you all of this)

13) Go back in time to the stand off between Edward and Jacob at the school, and when things get real silent and intense, scream, "FH! Forks High! 'Cause we know drama! Get it guys!? TNT...we know drama...yeah. Jacob Black rulez!" Then run.

14) Use 'like' after every word while talking to him.

15) Douse Bella in mountain lion blood, use the stickiness of that to cover her in white cotton balls (so she looks like a lamb), and tie her to a tree near where Edward is hunting.

May be continued, if enough people wish it so.

P.S. Sorry Edward! You know I love you so so so much! It's the only reason I make fun of you. Because I care ;)