26) Put Bella in an empty well and go all Silence of the Lambs on her. "Put the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again!" But if you do own a small white dog, refrain from becoming too attached to it, so Bella can't bribe her way out.

27) Design and create an extensive webpage for the Volturi. Say Edward made it when they find out.

28) Rearrange Edward's ENTIRE CD collection. Also add to his collection - no matter how much it may cost you - some bubble gum pop hits and lots of country. (Ugh) And remember, it's your face.

29) Get him to star as Dracula in the school play; holding Bella hostage unless he uses the Transylvania accent and wears the fake fangs. "Put some enthusiasm into it Edward, or your little girlfriend gets it!" "...What the hell!? Are you trying to be in some kind of mafia movie now?" "Listen here yous, I'm the big toe see."

30) Follow him around screeching, "BITCH you stole my cookies! I want them BACK!"

31) Get Bella to put her legs around one of Edward's pillows. Proceed to install a small camera in his room to catch him jacking off to the scent on tape. Upload it to YouTube and laugh your ass off when you get like, a million hits.

32) Proceed to also give this tape to Jasper and Emmett. 'Nuff said.

33) Follow Edward around school and whenever you see someone doing something silly, nudge him with your elbow and roll your eyes. "Freaking humans...they don't seem to realize how fragile they are, you know?" Just smile when he glares.

34) Get into a 'Yo Mamma' fight with Edward. Don't be surprised if it's one-sided, and he's just giving you little exasperated looks. When you finally get fed up with his non-cooperating ass, scream, "Well...yo mamma died of the flu!" Try not to laugh when he goes all Wedding Singer on you and says, "Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. I once thought that the love of my life was dead and was in the most excruciating pain one could ever feel...want to talk about that too?"

35) Shoot. His Volvo. Just do it man, just do it!

36) While he's playing his piano, walk over to him really nicely with your hands behind your back. Stand there and just smile pleasantly for a few moments while he stares at you. Then, all of a sudden, release a furious battle cry and whip out the bat from behind your back, and proceed to beat the shit out of his piano. Trust me: he'll be in too much shock to stop you.

37) Whenever Edward starts to get horny pull out a little devil action figure and a little angel action figure and put them on his shoulders, playing his shoulder guardians. "...Who the hell are you, and how do you keep getting in my room!?"

38) Ask him how he's supposed to pleasure Bella if penis's are supposed to shrink when they're cold. "So THAT'S the real reason you wouldn't do her in Eclipse, eh?"

39) Buy a vibrator and leave it on his bed, pretending it's Bella's. Watch and laugh secretly from under the bed (you know, your usual place) when he confronts her about it, and she tells his sorry ass off.

40) Inform Charlie about Edward's frequent dismissal of the speed limit. Tehe.


- The Romanticidal Edwardian