Memories of a Forbidden Love by DD Agent

Memories of a Forbidden Love by DD Agent

First BSG fic, very excited. Thanks to Emily for kicking me until I managed to put fingers to keys and write this fic. Hope you enjoy and R and R.

Disclaimer: All BSG characters and such are the property of people other than myself; I'm just borrowing them. The small book extract that Laura reads, however, is mine and all the characters pertaining to that do belong to me.


She still wasn't sure about the wig. She had been so fond of her red hair curling around her shoulders that the thin black replacement didn't look right. Didn't feel right. Every time she woke up in the morning and put on the black wig that covered her head, she felt like a widow mourning for the loss of her hair, for the loss of herself, for the loss of love never gained.

She sometimes watched him when he slept on the couch. His breathing steady, methodical, just like he was when he was awake. She was always restless, the pain of the Cancer keeping her awake at night. Sometimes he was restless too, and she faked sleep in order to hear his steady breathing as he watched her. It made her feel safe, just like the cocoon his presence gave her.

In the morning she puts on her wig and glasses, a thin layer of make up, anything to hide the spark that she noticed dying in her eyes. The fire there was still to go out, but every Quorum meeting felt like water slowly entering her veins, dampening what was left of her spirit and eventually drowning her. Lee Adama, once a loyal friend who stood by her side and committed mutiny in her name was now the devil from Caprica, standing so triumphantly and jumping on any mistakes she had made.

So different, father from son.

It needed brushing on a regular basis, weeding out all the tangles to keep it straight and perfect. Like the fleet. Baltar, Lee Adama, the Demetrius, and all these niggling little problems where the small tangles ended up as one big knot in her stomach. She looked at herself in the mirror, pale, too pale. A ghost of her former self, walking through the motions in a life that wasn't really hers.

She raised the brush to her head again, but her limbs felt so weak. Letting go of the brush was the only option, but warm hands found their way around her wrist. One hand linked fingers with her own, while the other delicately held her waist. Together they brushed her hair, taking out the tangles slowly and with no tugs of pain. Just like in real life, the two of them. Together.

His touch felt like bliss, smooth and creamy bliss that made her forget anything and everything. Together they were best friends, half lovers. They lived together, ate together, spent more time together than she had with any other lover. But the physical intimacy, the declarations of love were not there, and never would be. Love between them, the kind of all consuming public announcement sort was forbidden, closed off. The nicer people among the fleet would call it irresponsible; it would cloud their thoughts on issues about politics or military. The nastier elements would say that he was in her bed to get control of the government, or she in his just to keep him in line.

President, Admiral. Two people forbidden by society to touch, to hold hands to be one together. It hurt her more than the Cancer that she couldn't touch him, kiss him, have him lie in the rack beside her at night due to public opinion. It was the one thing that she hated about being President, the lack of freedom she got. On New Caprica spending the night together was a possibility. Now there was four feet between them as they stared at the ceiling and waited for their eyes to close and sleep to come.

His hands lingered on her for a moment longer, before he moved back into the main area to get dressed for work. The brief contact had ignited the fire in her eyes, but the memory of his touch was not enough to continue a stable flame. She watched him leave, the corner of her eye making sure he was still there before she closed her eyes and sighed. Life was never easy, but her and Bill Adam were worse than hard.

She had often wondered whether seeking solace in another would be better, not pining for a man who, although fond of her would never allow himself to be loved by her. The warm passion she felt when she was with Bill was dream like, but a dream it was. She thought about Tom Zarek, dangerous and handsome in a twisted way. His lips trailing down her neck, the weight of his body pressed against the curve of hers. The soft tang of tongues meeting, sweat mixing with aching cries.

It would hurt him, seeing them together. On her desk, in his rack. Pain mixing with revulsion at the sight of her with another man. He would hate her, despise her. She would be alone at the last moments and he wouldn't have to endure the heartache at seeing her die. But even thinking about mindless sex with Zarek ended up as beautiful love making with Adama. She was madly in love with a man who would end up seeing her cold dead eyes rather than them first thing in the morning.

"I might be late tonight. You'll be okay, right?"

"I'll be fine."

She waited until he left before she cried.


Tory had gone, most likely off to see Baltar. Zarek had gone, most likely to spread more lies and mistrust in Lee Adama. She was all alone. It was time to relax, and to reflect.

Back on New Caprica, she had swapped books with some of the parents of her students. One book had always stuck with her, unfortunately it was the first part in a series, and she hadn't managed to find the others. It was most likely that they had burned on the twelve colonies. What really struck Laura with this book was that the main character was passionate, lively and a leader but she was dying of an illness that she couldn't prevent. Reading through in the silence of Colonial One, Laura found the passage that made her chest constrict.

"I had only known Lee a day and a half when I realised I was in love with him."

Kas turned to face Sebella. That was the first time that either her or Lee had admitted their feelings. It wasn't like it was particularly buried underneath the surface; everyone knew that the two Ambassadors were meant to be together. However, the two were so stubborn that they had been dancing around each other for too long. And now she was passing, and Kas couldn't help but feel an immense sadness at the pair that was her best friends and also the only family she had left.

"And you haven't told him because?"

"Because when I die, I want him to remember what we had, not we could have had," Sebella replied.

Laura, much like Bill and his book, had never read the ending to this particular tale. She had imagined the ending many times, Sebella dying in her bed keeping the façade on just a moment longer to ensure that her friendship with the man she loved remained. Tears slid down her cheeks, staining the skin and splashing onto the open page. Although it may hurt, it was the only way forward for her and Bill.

No tissue appeared to wipe away her tears, no friendly pat on the shoulder. One of her only friends apart from Bill was currently with Baltar and his female cult. The ache she felt for the Admiral was suddenly replaced with a dark sense of grief for Billy, her last shred of family. For all the people who had brought the number down. She was going to be one more digit wiped away from the only thing that gave her hope.

For the second time that day, the tears came when she was alone.


Adama could barely focus in CIC. Tigh had noticed, and made sure that Bill was always in the view of his eye patch so he could avoid the pathetic look that had graced the Admirals face. Everything was quiet out there, so Adama had sent those that wanted to off to listen to the press conference on the Wireless. Roslin was defending her actions of trying to stop Baltar's cult, and Adama was upset that he couldn't be there to support her during the verbal tongue-lashing she was sure to endure.

But Laura had seemed so distant lately, pulling away at the briefest touch between them. He sighed once more and thought back to their conversation that morning in his quarters. She had been moody and isolated, not letting him into her world after he had pulled away from her. One step forward, two steps back.

"Oh for fraks sake go see her! Miserable bastard," Tigh muttered, giving Adama a stern look. He got the hint and moved out of CIC. Thank the Gods no one else was really there, although if Tigh had noticed what was going on between him and the President then there was no hope. In a split second Bill decided to take a raptor over to Colonial One to see her. Thoughts of her had been running through his head all day, all week, all…she had been on his mind since the first time he had met her, a schoolteacher with attitude to the beautiful and brilliant President now.

Frak, he was in love with her.

The journey took too long; every second that she didn't know how he felt was like a lead stone in his heart. Finally the raptor docked and the Admiral couldn't get out fast enough. Making his way through the corridors of Colonial One, he finally managed to reach her office. She wasn't there. It was only then that he remembered the conference and could hear her voice calling over the rabble that was the press. Looking down, he saw a book lying on her chair. He picked it up, remembering it as a story he had read in his youth. The main character was dying, and was in love with her best friend. From the tears on one of the pages, Adama could tell that she hadn't read on.

Gathering up his courage, Adama ploughed his way through the curtain and into the press conference. No one noticed his entrance; every eye was fixed on Tom Zarek who was trying to alleviate the hostility of the crowd. He walked up beside Laura and placed his fingers gently on her arm.

"I need a word," he said, and felt her shiver under the husky tone of his voice. Years of pent up desire for the woman in front of him was threatening to come out, and she could see that.

"I'm a bit busy at the moment Bill, can we talk later?" Laura hissed, smiling through bared teeth as she was asked another question by the press.


"Not now."

"Yes. Now." Laura turned around to tell Bill that he needed to leave so she could get on with her job, the press were stirring up trouble again and her strength was slowly fading. As she met his eyes his hands clasped both sides of her face and pulled her gently towards him. She felt like her heart was going to break right out of her chest and join Adama's, where it belonged. Their lips met almost hesitantly at first, then their mouths joined fiercely together as if they were trying to steal the others oxygen. Her arms snaked round his neck and brought him closer to her, closer than they had ever been before, a closeness that she had only dreamed of. Frak the press, thought Laura. All she wanted in that moment was Bill Adama, and she had him.

It had taken a while for the press and Zarek to notice that the President was otherwise engaged, and the room had stilled into a hush for a few moments as they watched the scene. The Vice President moved away from the stand to join the members of the Quorum who were watching the scene, including Lee Adama. He had a disgusted look upon his face, and obviously felt the need to share that with Zarek.

"Well at least we know now how she is keeping the military under control," Lee muttered, encouraging a few nods from their fellow delegates.

"Watch your mouth Adama, that's your President you're talking about," Zarek replied and started to smirk as he watched the scene unfold, Adama and Roslin still entwined in each other. Took them long enough.

As the couple broke away gasping for breath, one reporter thrust her microphone forward desperate for a quote.

"Madam President, Admiral Adama, how long has this been going on?"

"About thirty seconds. That's all for now thank you."


She was reading when he woke up the next morning. The first thing he had noticed was the absence of her beside him in his rack, but when he saw her on the couch reading the book she had yesterday, his heart softened. He loved her, she loved him. The Cylons could destroy the fleet and he would die a happy man as for once he had gotten what he wanted.

Stepping out, he went over to join her. Placing a small kiss on her cheek that grew passionate as her mouth yielded to his, Bill sat beside Laura. She instinctively rested her head on his chest and breathed the smell of him before turning the final page of the book. Once she had finished, she placed it down on the table and turned to Bill.

"She lived and told him that she loved him."

"Good on her."

Moments of bliss echoed through the room, the silence comforting both of them. Today they would face the press and the public outrage at their actions. Today they had private meetings with Tigh, Tory, and Zarek to see if what they did was truly the right thing to do. But for now they had their love, their privacy. For now they had each other. Today they would have persecution and problems. Tomorrow they would have memories of a forbidden love that would take them to Earth and their cabin. Together.