Disclaimer:I don't own SN, only the very awesome Mr. Kripke and the CW have that honor.
As the close of the deal comes closer, Sam is falling apart. Not even the deaths of his mother, girlfriend or father were enough to break Sam. In the end all it had taken was one deal. He'd been forced to kill or be killed, been hunted, kidnaped and taken to fight for his life in a demonic form of mortal kombat and lost his innocence. But none of that came close to this.
Erratic, angry, shoot first ask questions later. His eyes going from cold to desperate more every day. What is happening to him? Where is my Sam disappearing to? It's not just like he's being me, he's changing. Becoming someone I don't recognize. No more goofy grin or relaxed chats. None of the usual lighthearted teasing. He puts on fake smiles now. Forces false laughter. There's no heart in any of it. Not anymore.
It's like he's going through the motions, trying to pretend everything is fine. Like nothing has changed. Like he hasn't changed. He doesn't want me to worry, but how can I not? I see it. I know what he's going through. I've been there.
He doesn't want me to die. I don't want to, but I did what I had to do. I made the deal so he'd live his life and I wouldn't be alone. But when I'm gone, what kind of life will he have? Will it even be living? I wanted him to be happy. I thought he could move on. Now I see I was fooling myself. The light in his eyes is going dark. All the things that make him Sammy are becoming buried under the hunter he's becoming. I don't want to lose him, I don't want him to lose himself. I can see him trying to hang on, but it's so hard. I understand little brother. Better than you know. I'm barely hanging on too. I'm scared Sam. For so many reasons. Don't give up on us. If you can't hang on, then there's no hope for me.