Deconstructing Dean

Disclaimer:I don't own SN, only the very awesome Mr. Kripke and the CW have that honor.

I don't know what was worse, watching you after losing Dad or watching what this deal is doing to you. You've always been so brave, so strong. My rock. I never dreamed all it would take to bring you down was me.

You think I don't see it? I know what this is doing to you. I know your nights are growing restless. I know you're worried about the deadline - and about me. I see you looking at me, studying me out of the corner of your eye when you think I won't notice. I see the look in them. I know you're wondering if I'm still me, that some of the things I'm doing scare you. They scare me too, but I can't stop now. Time is running out. The deal is breathing down our necks. I know you want to protect me, but you can't. Not from this.

I'm trying to act like I'm fine, but I'm far from it. I feel like the ground is trying to swallow me whole. And maybe it should have, maybe I should have stayed dead. It's not that I want to die, I don't. But selling your soul for me? That's a price too high and I don't want to pay it. You shouldn't have to. You've been through so much. You lost mom, your childhood, Dad. And me. I know why you did it, really I get it. But how could you think I'd ever be okay without you? You're my big brother, my best friend. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Without you... man, I don't know that anything will ever be okay again. I'm scared Dean. Of what might happen to you. Of what might happen to me, what I might become. I'm not sure I can keep it together without you. I've seen it once before, when you died, and it shook me. I don't want to become that. I don't want to be alone. And I don't want you to suffer, you deserve so much more than this.

I said I had to be more like you, but this isn't you. I feel like I'm losing us both. I need you to hang on for me. I need you to fight, for both of us. If you don't believe in me, how can I?