Now that we've established that fact, I'll bite anyone who flames. Seriously, people. This was written for my own amusement when I was having a really sucky day. I thought I'd be nice and share it with you, in all its un-beta-read, parodied glory. If you can't stand having Twilight and Edward x Bella made fun of a little, hit that Back button now.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Bella Swan. When she was seventeen, she decided to move to Forks, Washington so that she could live with her dad and let her mom travel around with her stepfather.

When she moved to Forks, all the boys loved her despite the fact that they didn't have a clue who she was. She sneered at them and moaned, "I really hate this town."

And then she met Edward Cullen.

Bella immediately fell in wuv with Edward. At first, Edward said that he was dangerous and that Bella should stay away from him, but his behavior completely contradicted his words, so he gave that up and said, "You are the love of my life" and other stuff, when he wasn't busy getting mad at Bella for being in love with him.

Pretty soon, after a bunch of glaring warning signs came to support the ones that were already there, Bella figured out that Edward was a vampire. She was very startled, and then she said that it didn't matter what Edward was, because she wuved him anyway. Edward got even more ticked off that Bella loved him, but he continued to be a hypocrite, doing things like watching Bella sleep every night, because true wuv and stalking are more or less the same thing.

Then, on page 328, a plot other than Edward and Bella's wuv made a cameo appearance, but everyone ignored it, and Edward and Bella went right back to saying, "I WUV YOU" and other stuff.

Then, on page 372, the plot actually showed up, and everyone went, "OH NOES! IT'S AN ACTUAL PLOT!"

Bella spent the next fifty pages running away from the plot, and she freaked the entire time because Edward wasn't there. Then the plot decided to go after her mother, and Bella freaked out more, but Alice and Jasper made her stop, because freaking out causes worry lines.

Then Bella decided that she wanted to be the hero, so she snuck away from Alice and Jasper and went to go stop the plot from kidnapping her mother. But when she got there, it turned out that the plot had lied, and that her mother was safe. The plot almost killed Bella, and she was about to die, but it turns out that she'd gotten some vampire venom in her and was in danger of becoming immortal—not to mention really pretty—so Edward came and sucked the venom out, because he didn't want Bella being prettier than him.

Oh, yeah. And he wanted to save her soul. That too. But wait, that isn't until the next book.


Bella woke up in the hospital, and when Edward kissed her, her heart stopped. Then, despite the fact that they'd only been romantically involved with each other for two or three weeks, Bella was all, "Edward, please turn me into a vampire so that we can be together forever!" Edward got really ticked off and said no.

When Bella got home, she and Edward went to the prom, and they talked about the vampire issue again. They did not come to a consensus.

And the book ended with Edward and Bella declaring their true wuv for each other, because they realized that they hadn't done enough of that lately, what with the plot getting in the way.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until New Moon was published.

Well. I thought that was nice, if a little bit scathing. But, hey.

Twilight is my least favorite of the books, and that probably won't change.

Anyhoo. NO FLAMING. Seriously. This is fanfiction, people, not politics. I'm not ragging on anyone who loves the first book or Edward x Bella. I'm just expressing my opinions. It was either this or a glaringly angry review.

Hope you had fun, everyone.