AN: Erm, another one-shot? A dumber, crazier one? My mind is slowly, slowly rotting away... I wasn't even sure if I should post this.
Summary: When handcuffing himself to Yagami Raito, L hadn't known about one crucial detail... LxRaito, crack!, kinky
Warnings: boyxboy, utter crack, mild cussing, kinky-ness and nudity.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.
L watched blandly as Raito neatly folded his shirt, tossing it onto a nearby armchair. This was no surprise. L knew that many men—perhaps even the majority of them—enjoyed sleeping bare-chested. He himself had been known to do so upon occasion.
He didn't blink as Raito bent over, his back to him, and began unzipping his pants, either. Raito-kun was obviously confident in his body, and with good reason, L thought as he watched wiry muscles working under tan skin fluidly. Girls seemed the throw themselves at his feet, boys idolized him. Simply because L preferred to change in the privacy of a closet or a bathroom did not mean that others valued modesty as he did.
Neither was it terribly shocking when Raito kicked off the pants, folding them alongside the shirt. Teenage boys often slept in their boxers after all; it was nothing rare. In fact, it was quite common.
And when Raito slipped off his boxers and sat back onto the bed, though L felt his eyes grow wide and he surreptitiously fixed them on a small spot on the wall, he told himself that this recent development was no cause for alarm, either. Various peoples often chose to sleep absolutely naked. Raito-kun was obviously one of them.
However, his voice seemed not to have registered this impeccable logic, as it choked out, unbidden,
The stutter was imperceptible; half a heartbeat of hesitation, but L was mortified all the same. He fervently hoped Raito hadn't noticed.
"Yes, Ryuuzaki?" the teen asked, pulling the comforters over his legs. L breathed a sigh, mostly of relief.
"I did not know that Raito-kun enjoyed sleeping in the nude." After all, one would think such a…unique hobby would have been noticed during the time that L had the Yagami family under surveillance.
Raito fluffed his pillow and lay down, staring at the ceiling, his lone sheet pooling around his waist. L kept his eyes firmly on the boy's face; the covers had a tendency to be rather…thin.
"It's a recent pastime. Spring's coming, and lately the nights have just been so hot." he said, glancing over at L.
Raito impatiently waved a hand in a 'come-hither' motion to the detective. "Now come on, Ryuuzaki, it's three in the morning, for god's sake. Turn off the light and at the very least let me get some sleep."
L did so, waking over to the bed slowly, shuffling carefully under the covers and making sure to keep a good few feet between he and his bedmate.
5 AM found L staring at the unmoving and extremely dull ceiling, eyes wide as ever. A good night's sleep had been a lost cause from the very beginning, what with these circumstances. L was a sugar-addicted insomniac, and after all, he had just slept a few days ago.
Yes, his sudden coursing energy had nothing whatsoever to do with the…thing on the other side of the bed. Raito was breathing evenly, eyes closed, feathery long lashes grazing his cheeks. His hair was mussed, and he slept spread-eagle. L half wanted to poke him; he looked so innocently peaceful, but as he lifted one bony finger the boy turned to his side, facing away from him.
He sighed as he gazed at Raito's bare back. His late night cravings were worsening by the minute, and he desperately wanted something sweet. Sugary. Delicious…perhaps a slice of rich chocolate cake, or a pint of cherry cheesecake ice cream, or maybe some strawberry shortcake…
He fought the urge to simultaneously pout and lick his lips. That darned Raito-kun. If it weren't for him and his indecent sleeping conditions, L would be in sugary-sweet, orally orgasmic heaven right now…
He frowned. Raito-kun's state of dress (undress, really) shouldn't have played any factor in his daily early morning snack routine. If Raito-kun wanted to display his body to the night, that was perfectly fine, but L would not be denied his sugar.
So he tugged on the chain, gently at first, then sharply as Raito didn't budge. Finally, he simply got up out of bed and started walking towards the kitchen.
L turned at the noise to meet the sight of Raito, eyes still glazed with sleep, lying on the bare floor with the sheet tangled around his legs.
"I'm glad to see that Raito-kun is finally awake."
"L?" Raito croaked groggily. "What's going on…" Amber eyes narrowed sharply as they registered the detective standing in the doorframe.
"Raito-kun is a very deep sleeper," L said simply, and turned around as Raito began picking himself up off the ground.
"Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're forced to go over twenty four hours without sleep."
"It's to build mental stamina, Raito-kun," L said and began walking once more. He heard Raito fall into step behind him, bare feet padding softly on the floor, and focused on his snack. Choices, choices. There were M&Ms stored away, chocolate chip scones, sugar cookies and numerous flavors of ice cream. What should he have…?
In the end, he fixed himself a gigantic concoction made up of strawberries, bananas, various flavors of ice cream and copious amounts of oozing fudge, with a few pieces of chocolate thrown in for good measure. Eyes riveted on the thing, he made his way to the counter, where Raito was standing on the other side, somewhat covered by the shelf. The auburn-haired boy snorted.
"Jeez, Ryuuzaki. That looks like the lovechild of a radioactive banana split and a heart attack."
L looked up at him slowly, a bite of ice cream poised and ready in midair. "Would Raito-kun like a bite?"
The other wrinkled his nose distastefully. "No thanks; I like my internal organs whole," he said scathingly.
L took a bite. "It's not as if sugar decomposes your innards, Raito-kun."
"No, it simply turns them into oozing, sluggish puddles of goo."
L shrugged. "Perhaps. But one only gets one life," he said sagely, popping another spoonful into his mouth.
"Please, don't go all philosophical on me, not in the wee hours of the morning."
L shrugged again, licking at his spoon. Silence reigned in the kitchen for a few minutes with only L's small, satisfied chewing noises to break it.
Finally, "I did not know that Raito-kun is an exhibitionist."
More silence. Birds could be heard chirping outside, a faint gray light was spreading across the sky.
"…And just what drives you to that conclusion, Ryuuzaki?"
L carefully scooped up a piece of banana. "Raito-kun's attire, or lack thereof. Not many people would be comfortable sleeping beside, let alone walking about naked in the presence of, say, their boss. Or their boss' employee." He was referring to Watari. Perhaps he should delete the night's video footage quickly before the day started; the old man would be nothing short of scandalized. L did not want more heart attacks on his hands.
Raito narrowed his eyes. "For god's sake Ryuuzaki, you haven't looked straight at me once since I stripped. And you can hardly be called my boss. I work just as hard on this investigation as you do."
"Is Raito-kun suggesting that he would like me to? And the world is not a fair place, Raito-kun. Prestigious rank is not doled out to the hardest workers."
"I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki, but no. You're not going to get a piece of this. Also, the team listens to me as much as you. We could, in effect, be called the co-leaders of the investigation."
"Raito-kun, I could glance downwards at any given time and thus get a "piece of that." Besides, I beg to differ with your views on the case. Raito-kun is not even an actual part of the team. He is suspect."
Raito's eyes widened and then narrowed angrily, he grabbed L by the collar and hoisted him up onto the counter between them.
"Shut up, Ryuuzaki. That's a low blow. I'm innocent and you know it."
"I suggest that Raito-kun lets me go now."
Raito huffed, leaning in close. "Or what?" he said challengingly, breath hot. "You'll punch me, you pathetic twig of a man?"
"I believe you need to cool down, Raito-kun."
"Make me, Ryuuzaki—"
Raito blinked as sticky, cold rivers of ice cream and chocolate fudge dripped from his head to his shoulders, winding down his torso in wet trails. Bits of banana and strawberry lodged themselves in his hair. He licked almost absentmindedly at a dribble of ice cream near his lip.
"Y-you kinky bastard," he said slowly, disbelievingly.
L gazed back impassively.
"You poured ice cream…hot fudge…on me, and I'm…naked."
L nodded, pointing south. "Correct, Raito-kun. Oh, and by the way: I've gotten a piece of it."
Raito looked down, following L's gaze, then clamped his legs together, putting his hands in front of himself quickly.
L's lips tugged upwards in the faintest hint of a smirk. "Shy, Raito-kun? How very uncharacteristic."
"Shut up," Raito growled again, removing his hands self consciously to once more grab at L's collar.
"You bastard…" he muttered angrily, pulling him closer.
"Guys! Guys, I think I've gotten a new lead! I came here early just to tell you that…that…"
Matsuda trailed off, staring in abject horror at the two men on the counter, L's tongue inches away from Raito's chocolate covered lips.
Yes, L would definitely be deleting this footage tomorrow.
"You skinny twig of a man" is for Skitts. I was wondering what insult to put there :D
Anyways, too perverted? Too stupid? Too crazy? Or do you like? Tell me in a reeeview!