Act IV, scene ii

Rewrite scene

In the style of The Jerry Springer Show

Lady Macduff: Bambi Stotter

Her Son: Bubba Stotter

Ross: Cletus D. Pratt

Act IV, Scene ii. Jerry Springer's TV studio.

(Enter Bambi Stotter, her son Bubba Stotter, and Cletus D. Pratt)

BAMBI: Why'd he split?

CLETUS: Chill, sistah.

BAMBI: He was not cool, Cletus, he was AFRAID! Wimp.

CLETUS: He mighta been smarter than you, lady.

BAMBI: Smart? To leave his kids, his Airstream doublewide trailer?? I see it all now. He never loved us, never. The coward!!

CLETUS: Sistah, chill out! Your man gotta lie low for a while. Word on the street is that times is tough and he's smart like I done said. I'm splittin' myself; take care and peace out.

BAMBI: Where is my baby daddy? Where, oh where??

CLETUS: I feel your pain. I gotta leave or I'll bust out cryin'. Later, dude. (Exit CLETUS)

BAMBI: Bubba, my baby boy, your paw's dead. How'll you live, how'll we'uns make ends meet?

BUBBA: We'll make out, Maw. I can do me some huntin' and trappin'.

BAMBI: What, you mean like possums and squirrels?

BUBBA: You got it, Maw!

BAMBI: You're too dumb to live, but I loves you anyway.

BUBBA: I 'preciate it, but my paw ain't dead, he's comin' back, he is.

BAMBI: You're in denial, Bubba, 'cuz HE IS DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. What'll you do fer a paw, oh, crud.

BUBBA: You mean, what'll you do fer a man, Maw!

BAMBI: I ain't never had no trouble gettin' me a man, sonny-boy.

BUBBA: You get men, all right, one after the other.

BAMBI: Respect fer your maw, kid.

BUBBA:Was my paw a jailhouse snitch, Maw?

BAMBI: One of the best, sonny.

BUBBA: What be a 'snitch,' Maw?

BAMBI: A dude that promises not to tell and breaks his word.

BUBBA: A snitch is anyone who does this, right?

BAMBI: You are smarter than a fifth-grader, Bubba!!

BUBBA: And anybody does this, they get life without parole, like Uncle Jim-Bob?

BAMBI: Every man-jack of 'em.

BUBBA: Who comes down hard on them like that?

BAMBI: Upright citizens, like we ain't.

BUBBA: But we'd beat up the upright citizens, Maw, 'cuz there are more of us than there are of them!

BAMBI: You poor kid! What will you do without a Paw, oh woe!

BUBBA: If Paw's really and truly dead, then you'd cry for him and if he ain't then I'm looking forward to meetin' my new Paw!

BAMBI: How you do run on, Bubba.

(Enter a Singing Telegram Messenger)

MESSENGER: Hello, lady, hello, Bubba,

Here I am at Murder-rama!

You must run now

With your chillun

Or your home be filled with killin' and a fill-in!

I'm just a homeboy

Gotta run now

Take your kids on the Harley and begone now! (Exit Singing Telegram Messenger)

BAMBI: The Harley's in the shop, but never mind that. Why should I run? I ain't done nobody no harm nohow. Say, come to think of it, 'do unto others, then cut out' is a lotta people's motto. I'll cop to a 'not guilty' just like Momma always taught her baby girl. Hey, who's here? Jerry?

(Enter JERRY)

JERRY: Where's your baby daddy?

BAMBI: Where you can't find him, I hope!

JERRY: He's a snitch and I hate snitches to pieces.

BUBBA: You rump-fed ronyon, you!

JERRY: Brat! (stabs BUBBA) Son of a snitch!

BUBBA: He's done me in, Maw! Run! Run away! (dies)

(exit BAMBI, chased by JERRY. She cries 'Murder'!)

a/n Shakespeare, I apologize. Your work is for the ages, not tabloid television. And yet, you love language and might not turn up your nose at these poor words ...