Act IV, scene ii
In the style of The Jerry Springer Show
Lady Macduff: Bambi Stotter
Her Son: Bubba Stotter
Ross: Cletus D. Pratt
Act IV, Scene ii. Jerry Springer's TV studio.
(Enter Bambi Stotter, her son Bubba Stotter, and Cletus D. Pratt)
BAMBI: Why'd he split?
CLETUS: Chill, sistah.
BAMBI: He was not cool, Cletus, he was AFRAID! Wimp.
CLETUS: He mighta been smarter than you, lady.
BAMBI: Smart? To leave his kids, his Airstream doublewide trailer?? I see it all now. He never loved us, never. The coward!!
CLETUS: Sistah, chill out! Your man gotta lie low for a while. Word on the street is that times is tough and he's smart like I done said. I'm splittin' myself; take care and peace out.
BAMBI: Where is my baby daddy? Where, oh where??
CLETUS: I feel your pain. I gotta leave or I'll bust out cryin'. Later, dude. (Exit CLETUS)
BAMBI: Bubba, my baby boy, your paw's dead. How'll you live, how'll we'uns make ends meet?
BUBBA: We'll make out, Maw. I can do me some huntin' and trappin'.
BAMBI: What, you mean like possums and squirrels?
BUBBA: You got it, Maw!
BAMBI: You're too dumb to live, but I loves you anyway.
BUBBA: I 'preciate it, but my paw ain't dead, he's comin' back, he is.
BAMBI: You're in denial, Bubba, 'cuz HE IS DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. What'll you do fer a paw, oh, crud.
BUBBA: You mean, what'll you do fer a man, Maw!
BAMBI: I ain't never had no trouble gettin' me a man, sonny-boy.
BUBBA: You get men, all right, one after the other.
BAMBI: Respect fer your maw, kid.
BUBBA:Was my paw a jailhouse snitch, Maw?
BAMBI: One of the best, sonny.
BUBBA: What be a 'snitch,' Maw?
BAMBI: A dude that promises not to tell and breaks his word.
BUBBA: A snitch is anyone who does this, right?
BAMBI: You are smarter than a fifth-grader, Bubba!!
BUBBA: And anybody does this, they get life without parole, like Uncle Jim-Bob?
BAMBI: Every man-jack of 'em.
BUBBA: Who comes down hard on them like that?
BAMBI: Upright citizens, like we ain't.
BUBBA: But we'd beat up the upright citizens, Maw, 'cuz there are more of us than there are of them!
BAMBI: You poor kid! What will you do without a Paw, oh woe!
BUBBA: If Paw's really and truly dead, then you'd cry for him and if he ain't then I'm looking forward to meetin' my new Paw!
BAMBI: How you do run on, Bubba.
(Enter a Singing Telegram Messenger)
MESSENGER: Hello, lady, hello, Bubba,
Here I am at Murder-rama!
You must run now
With your chillun
Or your home be filled with killin' and a fill-in!
I'm just a homeboy
Gotta run now
Take your kids on the Harley and begone now! (Exit Singing Telegram Messenger)
BAMBI: The Harley's in the shop, but never mind that. Why should I run? I ain't done nobody no harm nohow. Say, come to think of it, 'do unto others, then cut out' is a lotta people's motto. I'll cop to a 'not guilty' just like Momma always taught her baby girl. Hey, who's here? Jerry?
JERRY: Where's your baby daddy?
BAMBI: Where you can't find him, I hope!
JERRY: He's a snitch and I hate snitches to pieces.
BUBBA: You rump-fed ronyon, you!
JERRY: Brat! (stabs BUBBA) Son of a snitch!
BUBBA: He's done me in, Maw! Run! Run away! (dies)
(exit BAMBI, chased by JERRY. She cries 'Murder'!)
a/n Shakespeare, I apologize. Your work is for the ages, not tabloid television. And yet, you love language and might not turn up your nose at these poor words ...