Author's note: I got this idea from something I did accidentally about a month ago. I started writing this story then, but I didn't get around to finishing it until today.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate!

Why Teal'c should never cook, or how to evacuate the SGC in thirty seconds.


It was a quiet evening. The Stargate was quiet, there were no unscheduled off-world activations, and most of the SG teams had gone home for the evening. Except for SG-1, that is.

Daniel had stayed to translate the writing on an unknown device of suspected Goa'uld origin. Sam had stayed because she was analyzing the device. Teal'c had stayed on base because he couldn't think of anything better to do. O'Neil… well, he had given some excuse for staying on base. But the real reason, everyone guessed, was that he was too tired to drive home. He and Teal'c had had to carry the two-hundred pound device more than a mile to the Stargate. It hadn't bothered the Teal'c that much, but O'Neil had only got it through the gate when he passed out.

About twenty minutes ago, Daniel had begun complaining of being hungry. Sam had informed him that was probably because he had skipped both lunch and dinner. Teal'c had kindly offered to run up to the cafeteria and see if there was any food available. He had returned a few minutes ago with a cheese pizza…still frozen. Daniel had instructed him in how to operate the cafeteria's range, and he had set off again. He had been gone for ten minutes when:

"Captain Carter! Where're getting some unusual readings in the ventilation's system's bio-sensors." The intercom stated.

She turned from the device and hit the intercom's talk button. "I'm not working with anything that should set that off."

"I think you should get up here. It's not anything that the sensors can recognize."

"On my way."


A minute later, Sam and Daniel were standing in the control room overlooking the gate, watching a computer monitor. O'Neil had awoken (read- he had decided to pass out in one of the briefing room chairs, and Daniel, rushing to reach the gate room, had upset said chair).

"What does it look like?" Sam asked.

"It seems to be an organic molecule, but it is bound to a polymer. A few have another molecule bound to them." The tech replied, pulling up a image of the chemical.

"I would guess that it's some form of poisonous gas." Sam stated.

"Captain, would recommend a quarantine?" General Hammond asked, walking into the gate control room.

"No, sir. I would suggest evacuating the base as quickly as possible."

"All right, close the iris and deactivate the gate." He turned to the PA system and keyed the mike. "All personnel, this is general Hammond. Evacuate all levels below sub-level one. This is not a drill. I repeat- this is not a drill. Evacuate all levels below sub-level one."

Two minutes later, most of the SGC personnel were standing outside.

"Sam!" she spun to see Daniel elbowing his way through the crowd.

"What is it?" she yelled back.

"I can't find Teal'c or Jack! Hammond can't find them either!"

Suddenly, a hush fell over the crowd. O'Neil had appeared from somewhere, obtained a bullhorn and was yelling "False alarm!" repeatedly.

"What happened?" Sam asked, squeezing past a group of medical staff.

"Ask Teal'c."

At that moment, Teal'c walked up behind Jack.

"What happened?" Daniel asked.

Teal'c held up a disk. It was roughly nineteen inches around, and smelled strange. It was covered in plastic, but the cover had melted in several places. Molten cheese was dripping out of it.

"What about the poison gas situation?" Hammond asked, walking up.

"It was a false alarm" Jack said.

"You're supposed to take the plastic off first." Daniel said, pointing at the destroyed cheese pizza Teal'c was holding.

"Indeed."


Author's notes: Well what do you think? Press the "Review" button and tell me!