Title: Beautiful Mess
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Pairing: Blair/Serena, mentions of Georgina/Serena
Rating: R, language and sexual situations
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: Serena goes to see Blair after the incident with Georgina. (Sequel to Feeling Good)
"You really are a dirty slut, aren't you?"
Serena winced at the vitriol in Blair's voice and cut her eyes to the side, away from the brunette's withering gaze. She had expected something like that – she had actually been prepared for much worse – but it still hurt to hear it.
"B," Serena said softly, her voice pleading, begging for forgiveness she wasn't entirely convinced she deserved.
"She's vile, S," Blair said looking away from the blonde, the very sight of Serena threatening her ability to keep down her food. Every time she looked at the blonde, she flashed back to what she had witnessed in washroom. Every time she looked at Serena she saw Georgina and Georgina's hand between Serena's thighs and … Blair shivered, and squeezed her eyes shut.
"I know," Serena breathed out softly, her voice a pained hiss. Shame was pounding down on her like a spring rain shower. She felt like finding a hole in some dark place, curling into a ball and never moving.
"She was …" Blair began only to find herself pause almost as soon as she began speaking. She couldn't say it. She just couldn't. It was too horrible to give voice to.
Serena was silent, not knowing what she could possibly say to justify or explain actions that she was humiliated and embarrassed by. She knew Georgina was vile, she knew and she still let her ... wanted her to …
The blonde brought a shaky hand to hair and ran her fingers through the thick blonde locks.
Getting smashed every other night, partying until dawn, being so drunk she could barely walk, and making out with whoever she wanted to because she was Serena van der Woodsen and she was young, and rich and beautiful had been fun. Not all of the time of course, there'd been her tongue down the throat of an investment banker old enough to be her mother's next husband. There'd been vomit in her hair, and on her clothes, and once in her shoe. There'd been waking up in strange lofts, surrounded by people she didn't know, feeling like the living dead. There'd been falling grades, and fights and bouts of overwhelming shame.
But, there had also been dancing in fountains at 4 am singing at the top of her lungs. There had been drinking champagne from the bottle on the hood of a stolen car listening The Doors blasting from the CD player as they swayed side to side together and smiled conspiratorially at the stars. There'd been jumping in puddles high on E captivated by the splashes and ripples they created. And there'd been hours spent with Georgie's head between her legs, or her fingers between Georgie's legs, fucking because it felt good, and they wanted to, and they could make each other come harder than anyone else could.
Being a good girl made her friends happier, allowed her to have a somewhat stable – though sometimes boring relationship – and made her mother something that resembled content. But there was a part of her that sometimes missed being a bad girl and the things that came along with it. There was a part of her that longed for the freedom she felt as Georgina fucked her like there was no one else in the world and no tomorrow.
Blair watched the expression playing over Serena's features quietly, a thousand nasty words and recriminations swirling around in her brain as she did. However, when she finally parted her lips what emerged from them was no more than a disillusioned whisper.
Serena blinked rapidly and refused to meet Blair's eyes.
Serena supposed she could tell Blair that Georgina just appealed to the wild destructive part of her that she had found so hard to control back then, and still struggled to control now. She supposed that she could have told Blair that it was nice to be with someone that knew her and cared about her in a way; that it was nice to see emotion in someone's eyes as they had sex with her. Or that she could have said, that it wasn't really her doing anyway, that Georgina came on to her and that she just didn't say no.
All of it was true, it just wasn't the whole truth, and the problem was that Blair knew her well enough that she'd be able to figure it out. And then there'd be more questions, questions that Serena would know the answer to, but couldn't tell Blair.
She couldn't tell Blair that what Georgina really offered her was something that nobody else knew she wanted. She couldn't tell Blair that Georgina knew to wear two inch heels instead of three so that she would be Blair's height, or that Georgina always made sure to wear Blair's signature scent whenever they went out together. She couldn't tell Blair that Georgina would let her hair fall in front of her face when she was on top of her, presenting her with a screen of chestnut hair so much like Blair's that Serena could almost imagine it was Blair if she narrowed her eyes enough. She couldn't tell Blair that sometimes as she neared orgasm, Georgina would clip her speech so that the pitch and tone of her voice matched Blair's almost exactly and would whisper "S," in her ear. Or that every time Georgina did that, that it would immediately send her plunging over the edge into a toe curling orgasm that left her panting and shivering as her inner muscles clenched desperately at Georgina's fingers.
"I don't," Serena rasped finally. Her eyes were focused on the floor once more though the tears stinging her eyes made it no more than an indistinct blur. "I don't know."
"You don't even like her," Blair said her voice accusing, exasperated, confused and aghast as she glared daggers at the blonde.
Serena didn't refute the statement, she couldn't.
"God, Serena," Blair breathed out, stumbling back. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" she hissed, seating herself unsteadily on the nearby stairs.
"I mean I know it's dernier cri to get in touch with your inner 'mo, but Georgina? Georgina?" she continued scrunching up her face in a way that Serena would have found completely precious under any other circumstances. "There had to be better choices ...much better choices. Actually, there could only have been better choices."
"You'd think so," Serena murmured looking over at the space next to Blair on the steps longingly. She wanted to be closer to the brunette, but as Blair called her admittedly poor decision making skills into question she couldn't force herself to move over beside her.
"You're trying to tell me that in all of Manhattan, Georgina Sparks was the only girl you could find willing to do you?" Blair asked incredulously, arching a disbelieving eyebrow at the blonde as she looked over at her.
"On the Upper East Side," Serena replied meeting Blair's gaze, her lips curving up in a tiny, tentative smile.
"You're so full of shit," Blair grumbled holding Serena's gaze for a moment before shaking her head.
"Oh yeah?" Serena asked playfully, finally moving over to the stairs to sit next to Blair. "Name someone," she continued leaning against the banister.
Blair looked over at her for a long moment, her gaze intense before she forced herself to relax. "I haven't exactly taken a poll," the brunette said lightly, a strained smile touching her lips.
"Yeah, well neither had I," Serena said, tentative once more, not fully understanding Blair's tension. Moments before the mood between them had lightened, and Serena thought that maybe, possibly she might have been in the clear. But something was still bothering Blair and now that the talk about her fucked up sex life was over she had no idea what could be bothering the brunette.
Blair shifted uncomfortably on the steps.
"You could have just," Blair said still staring in front of her. "I mean, the obvious choice would have been," she went on fighting with herself for a moment before finally turning to look at Serena again. "What was wrong with me?"
Serena stared at Blair blankly, her mind refusing to believe that Blair was asking her what she thought she was asking her.
"I'm a girl," Blair said seriously, her tone so earnest that Serena couldn't help but smile.
"I know that, B," Serena said softly.
"We've kissed before," Blair added when Serena didn't add anything else.
"I know that too," Serena responded quietly, her eyes drifting away from Blair's as she spoke.
"Did you even think about hitting on me?" Blair asked not quite able to keep the note of hurt she was feeling out of her voice.
"Blair," Serena whispered roughly her eyes involuntarily tracking back over to Blair.
"I'm your bestie."
"Yeah, you are," Serena said, her hand twitching by her side for a moment before she reached out and grasped Blair's hand, holding it tightly between her own. "That's why I couldn't … why I didn't …" Serena continued breaking off as she began to blink in an attempt to hold back the tears forming in her eyes. "I need you, B. I need you so much. I love you," she went on, her hands unconsciously squeezing Blair's. "I couldn't … I mean what if you had … I couldn't bear the thought of you hating me."
Blair reached out and pressed her hand against Serena's cheek. "I don't hate you," she said softly as Serena reached up and covered her hand with one of her own. "You know I've never even been able to stay mad at you for long," the brunette continued smiling softly, knowing that Serena was one of the few weaknesses she would admit to having. "I love you too. Beautiful mess that you are," she finished fondly, stroking Serena's face lightly.
Serena breathed in deeply, her body shuddering slightly as a few drops of liquid finally escaped her eyes.
"B," she managed to choke out, her tear filled eyes focused on the brunette, begging for her to do something to make it better.
Blair leaned forward, and the moment that she did, Serena shifted forward and wrapped her arms around the smaller girl, burying her face in Blair's neck as she cried, secure in the knowledge that Blair had her, and always would.
Minutes later Serena pulled back from Blair sniffling and trying to summon up a brave face.
"Thanks," the blonde murmured softly. "I needed …"
Serena was silenced by the press of Blair's lips against her own. A small sound of surprise escaped from her, but once she registered what was happening, her body relaxed and she parted her lips, giving herself over to Blair, allowing the brunette to take the lead.
Blair placed her hand on Serena's thigh, and leaned into the blonde, kissing her more intently; Serena's acquiescence inflaming her passion.
Seeing Serena and Georgina together in the washroom had done something to her. She had been shocked and appalled for sure, but there had been another emotion churning inside of her that had confused and alarmed her when she identified it as excitement.
Horrified and surprised as she had been when her eyes had dropped below Serena's waist and she had seen Georgina's hand moving underneath the helm of the blonde's dress, Blair had felt something white hot flare inside of her. She had felt her heart begin to pound, and heard blood rushing in her ears, and between her legs her sex had clenched, hard.
As she made her way home, staring broodingly out of the window of the taxi she struggled to understand why she was reacting so strongly to what she had seen. Although she had never seen anything like that before, she had seen Serena in compromising positions before but had never reacted like that. And when she acknowledged the extremity of her response she was able to figure out the nature of it: jealousy.
As she made her way out of the cab and up to the penthouse, all she could think was that it should have been her with Serena, not Georgina but her. It should have been her.
She wanted it to be her.
Blair kissed Serena hotly in a hormonal daze. Feeling she had barely been aware of hours before crashing over her, taking possession of her. Now that she was pressed against Serena, was touching Serena, was kissing her, she couldn't fathom stopping. She couldn't believe that it had taken her this long to realize that she wanted this.
Blair's hand moved further up Serena's thigh, pushing up the short material of the blonde's dress as she did until finally her fingers dipped between Serena's legs and pressed against the warm material of her panties.
Serena's fingers wrapped around Blair's wrist and tugged, drawing the brunette's hand back. She placed Blair's hand on her leg and then used her own to cover it, keeping it in place.
Blair looked up at her questioningly, blinking as if she were coming out of a deep sleep. A sound of deep unhappiness emerged from her throat and she tried to tug her hand from beneath Serena's so that she could return it to the warm nook that it had been yanked away from.
"No," Serena breathed out pressing down on Blair's hand firmly. "Not like this. Not with you," she continued softly, looking at Blair beseechingly, needing her to understand.
Blair was different than Georgina, or anyone else. Blair was special. She loved Blair. Blair was her girl. And if they … if they were going to … she wanted it to be special to. At the very least she wanted to make it to a bed.
Blair blinked again, and then licked her lips, inclining her head minutely as she did.
"Sorry," she murmured a moment later as her mind cleared, her other hand moving to rest on top of the one Serena was holding down against her leg. "I didn't mean to molest you."
Serena smiled at that, before her eyes dropped to watch Blair's thumb as it ran over the back of her hand.
"Don't be sorry," Serena said softly looking back over at Blair. "I've …" she continued a faint blush touching her cheeks. "I've actually wanted you to molest me for a while," she went on, blushing harder and averting her eyes when Blair smiled at her. "Well, not 'molest' really, but …"
"I know what you mean," Blair said softly, letting Serena off the hook gently.
"It's just," Serena said her tone and eyes serious as she focused on Blair once more. "I know I'm kind of a slut, but it's you and me, you know. It's us. And I don't … I don't want you fuck me on your staircase. I want to," she continued her voice lowering, "with you I want it to be … more, to mean more. I want it to be romantic, I guess."
Blair watched Serena silently, her eyes shimmering wetly before she bent towards the blonde and rested her forehead against Serena's. She placed her free hand on top of the blonde's, holding the blonde's hand warmly between her own.
"S," she said softly, overwhelmed with emotion. "Baby…" she murmured unable to express the feelings swelling within her in words.
Serena looked over at Blair, watching her intently for a long moment before she took a deep breath. "I know I said that I wanted you to … that," she continued before pausing again. "You don't have to do this," she whispered a moment later, her brain and heart still having trouble believing that what was happening was really happening and not just a figment of her imagination.
"I know," Blair said quietly, a small smile touching her lips a second later. "I'm Blair Waldorf. I don't do anything I don't want to," she said stroking the back of Serena's hand with her thumb. "Really S, you know me," Blair went on, "I'm not that accommodating," she said smiling tenderly.
Serena smiled at that, and then laughed with amusement and relief, blinking back tears that had suddenly formed in her eyes as she did.
"Sorry, that was … stupid," Serena mumbled looking away from Blair, her lips curving up in a self-conscious smile.
"Not really," Blair said, releasing Serena's hand so that she could stroke her cheek. "You know I would do anything for you."
"But you won't do that?" Serena questioned singing the line as she smiled.
"Oh I will," Blair promised, enjoying the faint flush that came to Serena's cheeks. "But not out of politeness."
Serena smiled at that, and she and Blair stared at each silently for a few seconds before the blonde dropped her gaze down to their hands which were still entwined with each other.
"So …" Serena began, trailing off as she looked up at Blair.
"Yeah," Blair drawled drawing the word out as she looked around her for a second.
When her eyes met Serena's against however, she was smiling and it made Serena smile which eased some of the tension that had formed between them.
"Come on," Blair said softly, rising to her feet as she spoke, careful to keep Serena's hands in her own as she did.
"Where are we going?" Serena asked standing, allowing herself to be dragged along by Blair perfectly willing to follow the brunette wherever she would lead her. It was Blair after all, there was nothing to fear.
"My room," Blair said looking over her shoulder at Serena as she ascended the staircase, her hand squeezing Serena's lightly as she spoke.
"Why?" Serena asked knowingly, a small smile touching her lips as Blair paused midway up the stairs and stared down at her.
Blair smiled, "It's more romantic up there."