Long Distance Call tag.
Last Act of a Desperate Man
"There are people that I would give anything to see again." - Dean Winchester, CSPWDT
Chapter One - Blind Faith
Sam was right. I wasn't thinking, wasn't myself. I just needed to believe in something this one time. Just this one time. That there was a chance, some hope left. That Dad would come through again, like he had so many times before, like he always did.
My whole life I've always needed proof with my own two eyes, confirmation that things really existed. Hell, I've seen enough evil in the world, but the good's been few and far between. Fleeting glimpses, if that.
I'm dying. I'm staring down the barrel at this thing… Hell, for real… forever… and I'm scared. I am freaking terrified and I needed to believe. For once I was the emotional girl hoping against hope and putting all faith in a miracle. Desperate… that's the word for it. I'm going to Hell in a few weeks and I am scared and desperate and willing to believe anything.
I wanted to believe so badly that there was a way out of this… And I wanted to believe in Dad… I needed to believe in Dad.
Sam was the voice of caution, hesitant… skeptical. I still don't get why. He's as desperate to save me as I am. Maybe it's that natural yin and yang brother thing. We just seem to balance each other out. Always an adversary on hand to argue the opposing side. Like a high school debate assignment, you assume the viewpoint you're assigned, not what you believe in your heart. After the first one picks a side the other automatically takes the opposing view. Maybe that's just what brothers do.
I don't really know why. It just seems that way.
It really hurt that Sam didn't believe me, didn't stand by me in support when I needed him. It was so not like Sam. Maybe he has changed. He's harder, more shut off. Maybe it's what he needs to do to carry on without me. I don't know. All I know is I missed my brother. I wanted him there by my side telling me it was going to be alright. That we could both believe in Dad at the same time and trust his love would see us through. That he really did have the answer to saving me.
I wanted to believe so badly.
It doesn't make any sense, but I was scared to talk to Dad. What do I say? What could I say? I sure don't understand it. I've never been afraid of Dad… ever. It's not like I'm a civie either, freaked out by the very thought of a ghost. But this was Dad, and he was gone… left us over a year ago and I was scared to talk to my own father.
It's like everything's jacked sideways and I'm not sure how to respond to anything anymore. Like I'm tumbling down some freakin' rabbit hole and there's only blackness surrounding me.
And just for the record, I don't hate my dad… I don't.., regardless of what that other me said in my dream. Never have, but I will admit there's something there… a growing resentment, a bottled-up anger… a bitter realization that maybe he wasn't perfect… that maybe he did screw up both his kids more than I ever saw.
I've always known I was messed up, but I never blamed Dad for that… just thought it was me. My weakness, my need, my fucked up childhood that left me broken and unable to function like a normal man. Left me a freak whose only purpose in this world was to care for his family and kill as many evil sons-of-bitches as I possibly could.
I always thought Sammy was okay or… would be okay. At least he was the closest any Winchester was ever gonna get to being normal. And that's what he always wanted… normal. I tried my damndest to give him everything he ever needed. To try and let him be a regular kid as long as possible, to shield him from the horrors of our lives for just a bit longer. I did the best I could and I thought I did alright by him, but now I'm not so sure.
Maybe we're both damned. Our fate cast by that demon years ago.
I don't know what else Dad might have done to try and save us back then. I do know it had to be tough on him. Hell, I was there; I saw how it tore him up. He was thrown down the freakin' rabbit hole too. But he was full-grown, a man and a father, and he had a responsibility to his family, to his kids.
I don't want to believe it but maybe he did fail us…
Or maybe not. Maybe we'd have been dead a long time ago without his obsessive drive to find the answers and train us to be warriors in this supernatural war.
I guess we'll never know for sure what the truth is, but I really wanted to believe in this truth. I really wanted to believe Dad would be there for me when I needed him.
God, I miss him.
I miss knowing I could always depend on him, even when he wasn't there… that somehow, someway, he'd come through for me if I really, truly needed him. That he'd never let me down… even when he did. I guess I just never saw it or accepted it. Never believed in what was right before my eyes… guess I did go on blind faith even then.
But then I guess that's what sons do. We believe in our dads even if it isn't deserved.
What you need to know, Sammy, is our dad's a superhero.
'Cause if you can't believe in your own dad, then what the hell can you believe in?
Sammy answers Dean in the next and final chapter that will post tomorrow. Reviews would be lovely. Thanks for reading, B.J.