It's been about five years now since I've seen my brother; my should-have-been twin/best friend/lover/soul mate. After that night, I finally gave up on trying to find him again. You're probably wondering what happened to me after Bill left. Truthfully, I don't know what really happened. Someone found me and got me help. I don't know who and I don't know when or why. All I know is that I woke up in a hospital a week later and the doctor said that I would be fine but that I needed to stay for a while and go through physical therapy.
I still live in the apartment we used to share together. My room is still the same room we shared together. It feels like he's always here and it's wearing on me. I'm now 23 years old and every day I've been trying to erase him from my mind. Nothing I can do could ever make me forget. God, please let me forget his name. His name…
Bill Kaulitz. Born September 1, 1989; the same day as me. His eyes, a chocolate maze you could easily get lost in. His eyeliner, drawing you to false accusations. His heart, and body, lusted after by so many fans. What made me different from the thousands of fans? I had him…and then I lost him.
The way his arms felt around my body, the soft silk that was his skin; tightly pressed against my own unclothed form, the noises he made, the words he once spoke…
How could I forget?
The tears we both cried, the emptiness I felt when separated from him, the thoughts never spoken, the way he made my heart burn nowadays, the day he walked out on me – for reasons I still have yet to know. The last night I saw him, when he cast me aside.
"I will never forget…" I whispered softly to myself, tears in my eyes, threatening to fall and render me helpless. I will never forget…I promised…
It was dark, matching my mood perfectly. I had gotten out of my flat, determined to walk to the cliffs that outlined the city. In my case, Bill was the world. If I couldn't forget the world, the world would have to forget me. It was a permanent solution to my never ending despair. At that moment I knew I wanted to die. I wanted to jump and leave the world behind me. I couldn't go on not knowing if he was even alive. I didn't want to go on.
A crack of sharp thunder sent rain pouring down on me, making my figure an even more pathetic sight to see. My head was down as I watched my feet and the ground pass by me with each movement they made. The soft crunch and sloshing my feet made with each step I took was deafening to me; the thunder was too far away for me to take notice, or even care for that moment. All I cared for were the words once spoken. The lies I had once believed.
"I would die for you, Bill."
"You'll never have to, Tom. I'm here with you forever."
Such poisonous, poisonous lies. His words to me were like poison laced with sugar; the sugar is tasted first and will fool you until the poison kicks in and you're left dead. Such things I said loosely once foretold my future.
I was left gasping for air, my heart racing, palms sweaty; dizziness following. My whole body had been consumed in the need to join with his. He was like an addiction. He was my cocaine, my meth, my mind numbing drug that I loved. Each rush left me hungry for more; I couldn't get enough. I was more in love than I had ever been before in my life.
"Damn it Bill, you will be the death of me…" I got through deep breaths.
All he did was flash me his familiar dazzling grin. He was sweating and his hair was sticking to his face, making my stomach dance inside of my torso. I slowly extended my hand, tucking the stray hairs behind his ears so I could see his angelic face. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, pulling us both closer to each other; like magnets. His eyes were closed as he roughly pressed his lips to mine with a hunger. It was as if he was starving and I was the all-you-can-eat buffet.
It went on for a few minutes. Neither one of us had enough energy to do anything other than hold each other, our lips tightly woven together. Yet it was all over too soon. As he pulled away, I let out a sigh at the loss of contact. His soft fingers moved, tracing my jaw line and up to my cheek before he moved to whisper softly in my ear, sending shivers all over my body.
"I'll always love you Tom, you believe me don't you?" He asked with a certain innocence in his eyes. The butterflies were doing laps in my stomach as I looked into those eyes that killed me from the inside out with their beauty.
"I always will."
By now I was standing on the cliffs that overlooked the city. To my great surprise, there was a tall figure standing near the edge, dressed in black from head to toe. The thoughts rushed to my head. How dare someone invade on my plan…How dare someone take my idea… But then the figure turned halfway to the side and I saw the outline of a once familiar, but slightly more aged, face. My mind was once again reeling and I must have been dreaming. The figure's outline seemed so familiar to me…like a long lost memory. It had been so long since I had found anyone worth observing this much. That's when it hit me.
"Bill…" I whispered softly to myself unaware that the figure could hear me. I saw its shoulders go rigid. It was clear to me that this dream figure thought of my voice as only a whisper on the wind; not really existing.
"Bill!" I gasped, loud enough for the figure to turn around, shock etched into his face. There was a look of despair on that face that I knew all too well. Immediately, tears filled his eyes at the sight of me. This was no dream.
There was no doubt in my mind now that this was my Bill…or he once used to be. This Bill was extremely pale, dark circles encased his still perfectly sinful eyes along with his familiar black eye make-up. His eye make-up was different, though; extremely messy…something unlike the Bill I used to know, who always prided himself on his perfection. He looked skinnier as well, but nothing too horrible. He just looked hollow and hopeless, standing there soaking from the once pouring rain and I swear to God, I had never seen a more beautiful sight in my life.
"BILL!" I screamed, tears seeping from my eyes as I ran over to him, pulling him safely away from the edge of the cliff and entangling him in a hug that lasted for like what seemed to be forever. His sobbing was mixed with what I believe to be small cries of joy.
Bill let out a loud cry of pain as my fist made contact with his jaw, knocking him to the ground. I climbed on top of him, pinning him down as my fists made repeated contact with his face, chest, and stomach. He continued to moan and cry out in pain as the force in my punches increased but he didn't try to fight it. He just remained still and let me injure him. From what I could see through my blinding rage, his tears were mostly formed from pure happiness, despite the bruises and cuts forming along his once perfect skin. He'd rather I hurt him than not touch him at all. I was all too familiar with that feeling.
After I had exhausted myself from using my entire body's force to cause him damage, I collapsed on top of him; into his chest. My emotions played traitor to me as I was left there, sobbing into his shirt, screaming at him through my sobs.
"HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THAT TO ME?! YOU HEARTLESS SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" I screamed. I had intended to say so much more but my sobs had ruined any chance of that happening for me. Bill's only response was to wince in pain and sob harder, holding me closer to him than he had ever held me in his life.
I don't know how long we stayed like that, sobbing and squeezing each other so hard you could have sworn we were trying to force the other's insides out. Time ceased to exist whenever I was around him, no matter where or when. When my eyes failed to produce any more tears for the moment, I looked up into my twin's eyes through my own blurry vision. He winced and hissed in pain as he slowly moved to a sitting position, cradling my head to his chest. The whole time, his eyes remained locked with mine as I struggled to cope with the fact that he was really with me. His brilliant eyes were nothing less than what they used to be.
"I-I-I'm s-so s-s-sorry, T-Tomi…" He choked out through strangled sobs. It was now that I realized the extent of the damage I had done to his perfect face. What was different about him now more than ever was that he looked so emotionally and physically exhausted. It was as if he hadn't slept a wink since I last saw him. The bruises, swelling, and cuts on his face, all caused by me, let me see that he could understand my frustration with him.
"I was so lost…And I couldn't take it anymore…I couldn't take seeing you like that and I thought that maybe if I left…You could be normal again…And when you were better…Somehow we'd find each other…" He sobbed out as he tightened his hold on me.
Another groan of pain escaped Bill's lips as the back of my hand grazed his face. I then proceeded to start hitting him again, with all that was left of me, screaming at the top of my lungs at him.
"WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO LEAVE ME OVER THAT?! YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH! YOU FUCKING DESTROYED ME! YOU NEVER GOT IT BILL, YOU ARE MY WORLD! YOU ARE MY ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD! HOW COULD YOU?!" I kept screaming at him. He almost looked shocked that I was so confident of his worth to me.
I proceeded to tell him that it was me on that night. That it was me he threw aside like some bum. He only squeezed me harder, pleading with me for my forgiveness. He assured me that it was the biggest mistake that he had ever made and would take everything back in a heart beat if he could. What only made the situation more heart breaking was the fact that we both knew that the other had come to end his own life.
My only response to him was to pull him as close as possible, pressing my lips to his forcefully. I'd gone too long without him and my mind and my body were both craving him. He was the type of drug that left me absolutely fascinate, craving for more each time. There's no way that I would ever let my anger force this opportunity to pass me by. Five years had passed and his lips still tasted as, if not more, sweet.
When we finally broke apart we just lied on the jagged rocks, holding each other and making up for lost time. I could tell that Bill was exhausted and hadn't gotten a good night's sleep since we were together; much like myself. Slowly, his exhaustion forced him into a deep sleep as I held him in my arms.
I knew that the rocks of the cliff were no place for my twin to lay his head. I freed myself from his grasp and gently picked him up, giving him a piggy-back ride. I continued to carry him through the once again pouring rain to the apartment we once shared. I hadn't moved a thing since Bill left.
Once I got to the bedroom, I emptied to load on my back onto my bed, being careful not to aggravate the bruises and cuts I had made on him. He started to shiver and his forehead was burning hot. I quickly stripped him of the soaking wet clothes and piled blankets on top of him. He still continued to shake and was softly moaning my name in a feverish haze. Without giving it much though, I stripped from my own clothes, crawling into bed with him. I wrapped him up in my arms, my hands rubbing up and down his back in an attempt to warm him up.
"Shh, Bill…I'm here…" I whispered, as if the slightest noise would cause him to shatter into a million pieces.
"I love you Tomi…I always will…" He sobbed out as his fever started to break.
"Bill…Shh, don't cry…It'll only make it worse…" I still whispered, cradling him to my chest as I kissed his forehead.
He only whimpered in response. When he had fallen back to sleep, I must have cried for hours. The world was finally back in it's right place; my arms. The love of my life, my little brother, was back, as if he had never left me in the first place.
Since that night, Bill and I have promised each other to leave everything in the past behind us and continue out the rest of our lives in each other's arms. We will be forever together, no matter what comes in the future.
I love you as much as you love me, I'll take your words and use them to see. Truth, a miracle, and absolute must, All I know is in love I now trust.
Well, there you have it, folks. We've come to the end. I've already begun working on my next Tokio Hotel fan fiction, Shadows. The first chapter should be posted within the next week or so. Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!