Disclaimer--- Don't own 'em, don't profit off of them, but I would love to do either

Disclaimer--- Don't own 'em, don't profit off of them, but I would love to do either!

Author's note--- This story is another chapter in my long-running Dragon Chronicles. Not every story in this series will be listed on FF.net, but all of them are listed in chronological writing order on my webpage. If you'd like to find out more about Zelda or other characters that will appear later in this series, visit my website at http://members.fortunecity.com/zeldathedragon and go to the information page. The rest of my stories can be found in the fanfiction section.

The Ducks That Got Away

Written by Zelda

(A/N: I almost never write funny stuff, but this story is based on an episode of Batman and Robin called "The Ones That Got Away". I thought the villains for our dear Ducks would fit in so well, that I decided to do just that. Enjoy all!)

                A feathered hand slapped angrily at a human one, shooing it away from it's position over a deck of red cards. "I said I'll cut the cards you brute!" a voice hissed.

                The human hand withdrew quickly and was rubbed with it's counterpart. "Hey hey, who's the mug that said this bird's the one that gets to deal?!?!" he asked loudly.

                The feathered hand helped to prop a feathered body out of it's chair. "If you're not careful, the cards are not all I'm going to cut!" the voice snarled back, the hand reaching to the shoulder to withdraw a silver sword, sparking with blue electricity.

                "Cool down my feathered friend." a deep voice eased. "Mellow out and let's get this party on."                 Falcone sat down again, albeit slowly, at the small round card table. He rubbed his palms on the green felt surface, and picked up the deck of cards, shuffling carefully. He spat them out in several different directions, several different pairs of hands taking their allotted share up.

                "Now I hope nobody's going to cheat." a short man in thick-rimmed glasses warned.

                "Huh, ve should leave it to Falcone for zhat." snorted another with a tan hat covering his left eye.         Through the dim light cast by the one bulb covering the table, the scene behind the group could be made out. The local underground poker hall. People of all sorts sat aloofly, drinking, smoking, and playing.

                "Yeah bub, how'd ya get here anyway? The last I heard, yas were doin' time in the slamma." Limpie Lumbago said matter-of-factly.

                "Slipped the keys while Klegghorn was taking a nap. I'll be back long before he wakes up." The bird grinned.

                "How do you know?" Dr. Pretorius asked, adjusting his glasses.

                "Why, I was clever enough to put sleeping power on his donuts. With all that powdered sugar, you'd never know the difference."

                They all got a chuckle over this.

                "Enough with these mortal jokes, I say we get on with this game." A man with a long white beard and a red robe said sourly, leaning back in his chair across the table from the bird.

                "Vell vell, the magician seems in a hurry." Baron Von Licktenstamp remarked, looking over his cards in a brooding manner.

                "Are you implying that I could not defeat you in this foolish game?" Asteroth asked in an angry tone.

                "Mellow out magic man!" Daddy-O Cool rumbled next to him. "Let's just see you play."

                The group sat in silence for a second.

                "You know, I suggest a conversation topic." Falcone started.

                "An excellent idea... what do you care to start with?" Pretorius asked.

                "Well what better than the reason we're all here and not ruling the world at this point." Pretorius said.

                "Zos dastardly Ducks!" the Baron snarled lowly.    

                "Well at least we all have something in common here." Asteroth tapped his staff against the side of the table.

                "Huh, you cats seem pretty cool. But I can guarantee that I came the closest to smashin' them squares." Daddy-O bragged.

                "Oh, and you really think so, do you?" Falcone raised an eyebrow. "Do tell."

                "Why, I'd be glad to my fellow hipster!" Daddy-O chuckled. "But this calls for some background music." He raised his hand and snapped his fingers twice.

                From somewhere, bongos started up.

                Falcone sighed heavily.

                "Compliments of Digger and Dragster." Daddy-O smiled. "So, now lemme lay the scene.....See it was a while ago, right? I was at this monster truck factory, tryin to steal this mighty engine for a plan I was concoctin', when these birds just show up and trash one of my best cars man!"

                "Another plan spoiled by the Ducks." Pretorius threw his hands up.

                "That's what ya might think, but I had a righteous plan. I managed to get them geese over to my groovy speedway, and trashed their vehicle!"

                "The Migrator? Yeah right." Limpie Lumbago interjected. "It'll take more than a tank to nail that piece of junk."

                "Naw it wasn't that man. I got my engine and a couple of hostages to boot!"

                "Might one of them be named Duke?" Falcone asked.

                "Naw, I think dem squares were brothers or somethin'." Daddy-O replied.

                Falcone shrugged.

                "So anyway, I was about to dip dem doves in my pool o' coolness, when the rest of them just showed up on the scene man! Me and my boys split to try and finish off our plan---"

                "Wait now, vhat vas you plan?" the Baron asked.

                "Did I skip that? Heh, that was the best part my man! I had my toxic waste, and I wanted to pump it into the water supply. That bubblin' crude made me into what me and my boys are today!"

                "You wanted to turn the world into mutated bongo toters?!" Pretorius tried to suppress laughing. "I'm glad the Ducks did stop you!"

                "At least it wasn't as bad as the chub who tried turnin' the city into hollendaise sauce." Lumbago noted, laying down his cards.

                "That's it, I fold." Asteroth sighed.

                "Having a little trouble with a 'mere mortal's game', eh?" Falcone shot lightly.

                Asteroth didn't respond.

                "Well you know what happened." Daddy-O continued. "Dem birds smashed my awesome tanker, and for a while there, I don't know what happened to me."

                "What do you mean?" asked the Baron.

                "Well, my boys said I turned into an insurance salesman---"

                The group hissed and cringed.

                "But they say they slipped me some more of my crude, and I was all groovy again man."

                "Bah, you call that a plot to take over the world?" Falcone spat, laying down a few cards.

                "Yes, I bet you that my scheme was the most well thought up of all." the bald-headed man boasted.

                "Really, you think so nerd boy?" Limpie asked. "Well prove it."

                "I'd be happy to." Pretorius said with a sniff. "You see, I made a deal with this incredible lizard, his name was Draguanus I believe."

                Falcone cringed suddenly.

                "Anyway, I got the supplies from him to build robots. Hundreds of them! And they were built to look exactly like the residents of this town called Sunnyville."         

                "Get to the point." Asteroth stopped the man in his rambling.

                "Right, right." Pretorius said. "So anyway, the Ducks were just passing though the town. I stopped their vehicle to keep them there, and I used my robots to trap them in my lab."

                "Your lab?" Falcone asked. "What are you, some kind of a mad scientist?"

                "Humph." Pretorius played up his title. "I needed their alien DNA to complete one of my genetically engineered creatures. But one of them that I didn't catch spoiled the whole thing." he got angry all of a sudden. "I could have been famous!" He pounded his fists on the table, nearly upsetting the piles of neatly stacked chips.

                "Foolish mortals, too much technology and not enough magic." Asteroth tisked.

                "Oh, and what did you do to those groovy geese eh?" Daddy-O asked. "Pulled a rabbit out of a hat?"

                "I once had powers that could make you all cower at my feet!" Asteroth nearly yelled. "I had the entire kingdom of Anaheim beneath my heel. And then someone sent the Ducks to my realm. They united with my enemy and crushed me!"

                "But I heard that's not all bubby." Lumbago smiled. "You had another round with 'dem birds?"

                "I decided that I could draw this Anaheim into my realm, and I was so close!" he sighed. "I'm at a loss as to understand how such mere mortals can do such things."

                "Yes yes well I'm sure we would have all had a ball, being pulled into the dark zone and all." Falcone said lightly. "But my plans were so much more... realistic?"

                Asteroth growled at him, and then placed some cards down.

                "Vealistic?" The Baron peered at him through his one good eye. "Vat do you mean by that?"

                "I came from Puckworld, and there I was an incredibly adept thief. I was nearly the best on the planet! But one Duck stood in my way..."

                "The one with the patch on his eye?" Asteroth suddenly asked.

                "Yes, that's him. Duke L'Orange." Falcone seethed.

                "Join the club my feathered mortal." the mage sighed. "Both of my plans were felled by his hands."

                "So when Dragaunus called me to Earth, I knew exactly what I was doing. I got in tight with Duke again, seems he was having some 'internal problems' with his team." Falcone grinned slyly. "I actually conned him into helping me steal the world's largest sapphire!"

                "Yeah yeah, get to the point bub." Lumbago broke in. "Where's the whole take-over-the-world thing comin' in here?"

                "I was just getting to that." Falcone spat back. "I needed these jewels to help Dragaunus construct a mindwipe ray that would have neutralized the brains of everyone in the world! I could have robbed them all!"

                "Anozer plot that we are glad has failed, yes?" Baron smiled.

                "I would have gotten away with it too! But Dragaunus caught onto my betraying him. He's a clever old chap you know. I would have escaped capture from the police, if Duke hadn't caught me. One day I'll get my revenge on him...."

                "Hmmm, sounds to me like we got a sequel in the works." Daddy-O mused.

                "Bah, why wipe out just one of zose Ducks, when I nearly stuffed zem all." Baron braggged.

                "Yeah right." Pretorious scoffed.

                Suddenly, someone sat down nearby, pulling up a chair.

                "Sorry I'm late." Dr. Droid sighed. "Trying to coax one of my dear brother machines into getting me a decent cup of coffee. Deal me in, would you?"

                Pretorius turned to the group and swirled his hand about his ear, which Droid conveniently missed.

                "So continue Baron, what did you do?" Asteroth asked.

                "Vell you all know my island yes? Dragaunus came to me, wanting to mine ziz mineral I had there. But he warned me zat the Ducks would come."

                "Sounds like a risky deal to me." Lumbago frowned.

                "Not at all!" Baron laughed. "I am a great hunter, and I have hunted everyzing that moves! But to hunt and alien duck? It would be the greatest challenge of all! So zhe Ducks came as planned, and I set three of them out in my jungle. I used all my hunting machines to try and destroy them, but nozhing worked! Not even my tank." he said sadly. "Dragaunus had my hide for failing him."

                "So I see more revenge in the works eh?" Droid said. "I too, am simply waiting for the moment to strike at those wasteful organisms!" he declared.

                The group stared at him silently for a moment.

                "So Lumabgo, what about you?" Falcone asked. "I hear you're in the thieving business as well?"

                "Sorta like that." Lumbago said. "You all remember when those birds got locked up for that jewel heist scam right? Well the two left came to me, see? I offered them a good job 'a gettin' this jewel back. Dragaunus was payin' me well to terminate 'em see? I got the two trapped, but dey escaped! Foiled my whole plan, lost all my money, and me and my boys got a few years left tickin' on the sentance."

                "Rough man, seems like this Draguanus fella's pretty hip." Daddy-O said.

                "You must be joking, he's the most powerful backer I've ever seen!" Pretorius said.

                "He's certainly got his act together." Falcone agreed.

                "He woulda payed me pretty hansome if my scheme got off." Lumbago added.

                "Yes, truly he haz zhe power to defeat zose Ducks." The Baron nodded.

                "Oh come on!" Droid suddenly laughed, his voice changing greatly. "That lizard's already got one foot in the gateway straight to dimensional limbo, baby!"

                The villains suddenly stood, recognizing 'Droid's' voice.

                "Well well, it looks like we've got an impostor among us." Falcone said.

                The Baron and Daddy-o quickly seized Droid and pulled off his mask.

                "A Duck!" Asteroth cried.

                "Haha, had ya goin' didn't I?" Nosedive sneered back happily, struggling with his two holders.

                "YOU'RE the one who foiled my plans!" Pretorius said. "Wouldn't I love to get my revenge right here."

                "Yeah, I seen this square before too!" Daddy-O said.

                Falcone drew his sword and placed it under Dive's beak.

                "It seems we've got you trapped my friend." he hissed.

                "Actually it's the other way around." Nosedive grinned.

                All of a sudden, the click of guns went up around the room. Five more Ducks and a dragon stood up from the tables, taking off hats and trenchcoats.

                "You're still no match for all of us Ducks!" Asteroth roared, ready to fight.

                "Maybe not." Wildwing said. "But they are." Suddenly, everyone else in the hall stood up, drawing guns to reveal they were all cops!

                "Rats." Baron let Nosedive free.

                "Well, at least this'll make one righteous story." Daddy-O grinned.

                                                                                The End