Disclaimer--- Don't own 'em, don't profit off of them, but I
would love to do either!
This story is another chapter in my long-running Dragon Chronicles. Not every
story in this series will be listed on FF.net, but all of them are listed in
chronological writing order on my webpage. If you'd like to find out more about
Zelda or other characters that will appear later in this series, visit my
website at http://members.fortunecity.com/zeldathedragon
and go to the information page. The rest of my stories can be found in the
The Ducks That Got Away
Written by Zelda
(A/N: I almost never
write funny stuff, but this story is based on an episode of Batman and Robin
called "The Ones That Got Away". I thought the villains for our dear Ducks
would fit in so well, that I decided to do just that. Enjoy all!)
A feathered hand slapped angrily
at a human one, shooing it away from it's position over a deck of red cards.
"I said I'll cut the cards you
brute!" a voice hissed.
The human hand withdrew quickly
and was rubbed with it's counterpart. "Hey hey, who's the mug that said
this bird's the one that gets to deal?!?!" he asked loudly.
The feathered hand helped to
prop a feathered body out of it's chair. "If you're not careful, the cards
are not all I'm going to cut!" the voice snarled back, the hand reaching
to the shoulder to withdraw a silver sword, sparking with blue electricity.
"Cool down my feathered
friend." a deep voice eased. "Mellow out and let's get this party
on." Falcone sat down
again, albeit slowly, at the small round card table. He rubbed his palms on the
green felt surface, and picked up the deck of cards, shuffling carefully. He
spat them out in several different directions, several different pairs of hands
taking their allotted share up.
"Now I hope nobody's going
to cheat." a short man in thick-rimmed glasses warned.
"Huh, ve should leave it to
Falcone for zhat." snorted another with a tan hat covering his left eye. Through the dim light cast by the one
bulb covering the table, the scene behind the group could be made out. The
local underground poker hall. People of all sorts sat aloofly, drinking,
smoking, and playing.
"Yeah bub, how'd ya get
here anyway? The last I heard, yas were doin' time in the slamma." Limpie
Lumbago said matter-of-factly.
"Slipped the keys while
Klegghorn was taking a nap. I'll be back long before he wakes up." The
"How do you know?" Dr.
Pretorius asked, adjusting his glasses.
"Why, I was clever enough
to put sleeping power on his donuts. With all that powdered sugar, you'd never
know the difference."
They all got a chuckle over
"Enough with these mortal
jokes, I say we get on with this game." A man with a long white beard and
a red robe said sourly, leaning back in his chair across the table from the
"Vell vell, the magician
seems in a hurry." Baron Von Licktenstamp remarked, looking over his cards
in a brooding manner.
"Are you implying that I
could not defeat you in this foolish game?" Asteroth asked in an angry
"Mellow out magic
man!" Daddy-O Cool rumbled next to him. "Let's just see you
The group sat in silence for a
"You know, I suggest a
conversation topic." Falcone started.
"An excellent idea... what
do you care to start with?" Pretorius asked.
"Well what better than the
reason we're all here and not ruling the world at this point." Pretorius
"Zos dastardly Ducks!"
the Baron snarled lowly.
"Well at least we all have
something in common here." Asteroth tapped his staff against the side of
"Huh, you cats seem pretty
cool. But I can guarantee that I came the closest to smashin' them
squares." Daddy-O bragged.
"Oh, and you really think
so, do you?" Falcone raised an eyebrow. "Do tell."
"Why, I'd be glad to my
fellow hipster!" Daddy-O chuckled. "But this calls for some
background music." He raised his hand and snapped his fingers twice.
From somewhere, bongos started
Falcone sighed heavily.
"Compliments of Digger and
Dragster." Daddy-O smiled. "So, now lemme lay the scene.....See it
was a while ago, right? I was at this monster truck factory, tryin to steal
this mighty engine for a plan I was concoctin', when these birds just show up
and trash one of my best cars man!"
"Another plan spoiled by
the Ducks." Pretorius threw his hands up.
"That's what ya might
think, but I had a righteous plan. I managed to get them geese over to my
groovy speedway, and trashed their
"The Migrator? Yeah
right." Limpie Lumbago interjected. "It'll take more than a tank to
nail that piece of junk."
"Naw it wasn't that man. I
got my engine and a couple of hostages to boot!"
"Might one of them be named
Duke?" Falcone asked.
"Naw, I think dem squares
were brothers or somethin'." Daddy-O replied.
"So anyway, I was about to
dip dem doves in my pool o' coolness, when the rest of them just showed up on
the scene man! Me and my boys split to try and finish off our plan---"
"Wait now, vhat vas you
plan?" the Baron asked.
"Did I skip that? Heh, that
was the best part my man! I had my toxic waste, and I wanted to pump it into
the water supply. That bubblin' crude made me into what me and my boys are
"You wanted to turn the
world into mutated bongo toters?!" Pretorius tried to suppress laughing.
"I'm glad the Ducks did stop you!"
"At least it wasn't as bad
as the chub who tried turnin' the city into hollendaise sauce." Lumbago
noted, laying down his cards.
"That's it, I fold."
"Having a little trouble
with a 'mere mortal's game', eh?" Falcone shot lightly.
Asteroth didn't respond.
"Well you know what
happened." Daddy-O continued. "Dem birds smashed my awesome tanker,
and for a while there, I don't know what happened to me."
"What do you mean?"
asked the Baron.
"Well, my boys said I
turned into an insurance salesman---"
The group hissed and cringed.
"But they say they slipped
me some more of my crude, and I was all groovy again man."
"Bah, you call that a plot
to take over the world?" Falcone spat, laying down a few cards.
"Yes, I bet you that my
scheme was the most well thought up of all." the bald-headed man boasted.
"Really, you think so nerd
boy?" Limpie asked. "Well prove it."
"I'd be happy to."
Pretorius said with a sniff. "You see, I made a deal with this incredible
lizard, his name was Draguanus I believe."
Falcone cringed suddenly.
"Anyway, I got the supplies
from him to build robots. Hundreds of them! And they were built to look exactly
like the residents of this town called Sunnyville."
"Get to the point."
Asteroth stopped the man in his rambling.
Pretorius said. "So anyway, the Ducks were just passing though the town. I
stopped their vehicle to keep them there, and I used my robots to trap them in
"Your lab?" Falcone
asked. "What are you, some kind of a mad scientist?"
played up his title. "I needed their alien DNA to complete one of my
genetically engineered creatures. But one of them that I didn't catch spoiled
the whole thing." he got angry all of a sudden. "I could have been
famous!" He pounded his fists on the table, nearly upsetting the piles of
neatly stacked chips.
"Foolish mortals, too much
technology and not enough magic." Asteroth tisked.
"Oh, and what did you do to
those groovy geese eh?" Daddy-O asked. "Pulled a rabbit out of a
"I once had powers that
could make you all cower at my feet!" Asteroth nearly yelled. "I had
the entire kingdom of Anaheim beneath my heel. And then someone sent the Ducks
to my realm. They united with my enemy and crushed me!"
"But I heard that's not all
bubby." Lumbago smiled. "You had another round with 'dem birds?"
"I decided that I could
draw this Anaheim into my realm, and I was so close!" he sighed. "I'm
at a loss as to understand how such mere mortals can do such things."
"Yes yes well I'm sure we
would have all had a ball, being pulled into the dark zone and all."
Falcone said lightly. "But my plans were so much more... realistic?"
Asteroth growled at him, and
then placed some cards down.
"Vealistic?" The Baron
peered at him through his one good eye. "Vat do you mean by that?"
"I came from Puckworld, and
there I was an incredibly adept thief. I was nearly the best on the planet! But
one Duck stood in my way..."
"The one with the patch on
his eye?" Asteroth suddenly asked.
"Yes, that's him. Duke
L'Orange." Falcone seethed.
"Join the club my feathered
mortal." the mage sighed. "Both of my plans were felled by his
"So when Dragaunus called
me to Earth, I knew exactly what I was doing. I got in tight with Duke again,
seems he was having some 'internal problems' with his team." Falcone
grinned slyly. "I actually conned him into helping me steal the world's
"Yeah yeah, get to the
point bub." Lumbago broke in. "Where's the whole take-over-the-world
thing comin' in here?"
"I was just getting to
that." Falcone spat back. "I needed these jewels to help Dragaunus
construct a mindwipe ray that would have neutralized the brains of everyone in
the world! I could have robbed them all!"
"Anozer plot that we are
glad has failed, yes?" Baron smiled.
"I would have gotten away
with it too! But Dragaunus caught onto my betraying him. He's a clever old chap
you know. I would have escaped capture from the police, if Duke hadn't caught
me. One day I'll get my revenge on him...."
"Hmmm, sounds to me like we
got a sequel in the works." Daddy-O mused.
"Bah, why wipe out just one
of zose Ducks, when I nearly stuffed zem all." Baron braggged.
Suddenly, someone sat down nearby,
pulling up a chair.
"Sorry I'm late." Dr.
Droid sighed. "Trying to coax one of my dear brother machines into getting
me a decent cup of coffee. Deal me in, would you?"
Pretorius turned to the group
and swirled his hand about his ear, which Droid conveniently missed.
"So continue Baron, what
did you do?" Asteroth asked.
"Vell you all know my
island yes? Dragaunus came to me, wanting to mine ziz mineral I had there. But
he warned me zat the Ducks would come."
"Sounds like a risky deal
to me." Lumbago frowned.
"Not at all!" Baron
laughed. "I am a great hunter, and I have hunted everyzing that moves! But
to hunt and alien duck? It would be the greatest challenge of all! So zhe Ducks
came as planned, and I set three of them out in my jungle. I used all my
hunting machines to try and destroy them, but nozhing worked! Not even my
tank." he said sadly. "Dragaunus had my hide for failing him."
"So I see more revenge in
the works eh?" Droid said. "I too, am simply waiting for the moment
to strike at those wasteful organisms!" he declared.
The group stared at him silently
for a moment.
"So Lumabgo, what about
you?" Falcone asked. "I hear you're in the thieving business as
"Sorta like that."
Lumbago said. "You all remember when those birds got locked up for that
jewel heist scam right? Well the two left came to me, see? I offered them a
good job 'a gettin' this jewel back. Dragaunus was payin' me well to terminate
'em see? I got the two trapped, but dey escaped! Foiled my whole plan, lost all
my money, and me and my boys got a few years left tickin' on the
"Rough man, seems like this
Draguanus fella's pretty hip." Daddy-O said.
"You must be joking, he's
the most powerful backer I've ever seen!" Pretorius said.
"He's certainly got his act
together." Falcone agreed.
"He woulda payed me pretty
hansome if my scheme got off." Lumbago added.
"Yes, truly he haz zhe
power to defeat zose Ducks." The Baron nodded.
"Oh come on!" Droid
suddenly laughed, his voice changing greatly. "That lizard's already got
one foot in the gateway straight to dimensional limbo, baby!"
The villains suddenly stood,
recognizing 'Droid's' voice.
"Well well, it looks like
we've got an impostor among us." Falcone said.
The Baron and Daddy-o quickly
seized Droid and pulled off his mask.
"A Duck!" Asteroth
"Haha, had ya goin' didn't
I?" Nosedive sneered back happily, struggling with his two holders.
"YOU'RE the one who foiled
my plans!" Pretorius said. "Wouldn't I love to get my revenge right
"Yeah, I seen this square
before too!" Daddy-O said.
Falcone drew his sword and
placed it under Dive's beak.
"It seems we've got you
trapped my friend." he hissed.
"Actually it's the other
way around." Nosedive grinned.
All of a sudden, the click of
guns went up around the room. Five more Ducks and a dragon stood up from the
tables, taking off hats and trenchcoats.
"You're still no match for
all of us Ducks!" Asteroth roared, ready to fight.
"Maybe not." Wildwing
said. "But they are." Suddenly, everyone else in the hall stood up,
drawing guns to reveal they were all cops!
"Rats." Baron let
"Well, at least this'll
make one righteous story." Daddy-O grinned.