A/N: Okay I officially HATE fanfiction! . This WOULD have been up yesterday if that stupid login issue thing hadn't kept me from posting! But on a lighter note, I am positive that this story had recieved the most priase and constructive criticsm!! Yay! I am seriously blown away by how well loved this story is!! Oh I'm happy but to get it recced (reccomended) on Lj?! AHHHH!! I'm pretty sure that this piece will be the end of series unless you guys have some good ideas for a continuation. Please tell me about my characterization of Kuro, this was the first time that I've written as him...Kinda nervous you know?
Summary: Sometimes it means more when you can't understand it at all.
Warnings: Swearing (but...seriously...?), mentions of Sex (again I must say...DUH! I get kinda blunt with this), and teh symbolism (I'm pretty sure this is gonna be a normal thing from now on...)
"We…are…going…to…be…soldiers…in this…war," I spoke soft and slow, as if that would help Fai understand Japanese just that much more.
But Fai just looked up at me with a sad and tired expression.
Then the blond man shook his head. There were a few words, harsh sounding with the consistency of kindness tied in. And though I knew nothing of how to form words or phrases in Fai's mother language, I understood him all the same. Inexplicably so I knew what Fai meant.
Slowly I felt the air grow colder with the settling of night around us. Roughly I reached out and grabbed Fai unsure of exactly what I would do with him once I had a hold of him. I wanted to pull him into serene comfort and hold him until he held me back with the desperation brought about by being surrounded by hoards of people without getting so much as an ounce of loneliness pulled from your tired face. But this rough patch of me wouldn't allow something like this, so the only option was to drag him to where we would have to stay until a feather was found.
I didn't want to let go of his arm, for fear of him withdrawing from me like he would have to withdraw from my firm grip. I felt a jerk from him.
Reluctantly I let go of him. He seemed to fall into his own little world once he had nothing to pull him into this world. Again the impulse to coddle him brushed at my arms. And again I pushed it aside in favor of the side that knew that we were in a war. The fact that we were fighting one internally didn't help either.
"Fai…" I was surprised at how smooth his name felt against my tongue, even in my language.
A glimmer of hope shone brightly in his eyes when I said his name. It was so bright that for a second I too thought that Mokona had landed here suddenly with Sakura, Syaoran and a feather ready to go reunite with us.
"We should go to sleep,"
I saw his lips fall into a bout of hopelessness, a hopelessness that kicked up the need to hold him again. Apparently this was not the case and it was simply a fleeting fantasy of optimism. Not wanting to cave into my wants I just pointed to his cot to send the message to him.
He understood and carefully slipped into his scratchy blanket only to wake me up an hour later to 'ask' if he could sleep with me.
No, you hold it like…
I stood behind him, my breath sticky in the back of my throat. To tell anyone what had possessed me to do what I did next is something that I could not explain.
Slowly, as if to brush away Fai's loneliness and leave in its place the warmth from my sliding hands, I moved my empty palms over his thin arms. They followed the delicate outline of his forearms, my mind begging for this to not end. But his arms couldn't go on forever so I settled for wrapping my fingers around his wrists, taking a hold of what I wanted to protect.
Experimentally I swung his sword in his hands. My chest met his back and I felt like the breath that was held in my body was rushed out before clinging to my trachea once again.
Enough of this…
Our hands came to a slow stop, so as not to shock his wrists with a sudden stand still. I was fully aware of what I wanted to do…Fully aware of what I could do.
Carefully I bent down, my cheek brushing against his unnaturally soft and cold skin. I could feel his lips tremble ever so slightly from how close I was to him. A breath escaped from the corner of his lips. It ghosted across my thirsty lips, tantalizing and sweet.
"Learn this well…I don't want you disappearing," I was shocked not only at what I said but also that it rolled out of my mouth like a lover's poem.
Against my lips I felt his breath hitch in his chest. After a moment of silent desire passed through us Fai finally turned his face to look at me, the saddest look I had ever seen was written all over his face but especially in his snowy blue eyes. Out of his mouth spilled his own language, slightly choppy and hard but no less dramatic than his eyes.
I had never learned any of his language but I'll be damned if I didn't know what he said. It was the same thing he'd said when I first tried to talk to him in my language only this time…it was so achingly difficult to not bury my face in the crook of his neck and tell him over and over
I know, it's okay…
Reluctantly I pulled my hands away from him but not before relishing the way the tunic felt as it brush over Fai's pale arms. And as bad as I just wanted to stay there and hold him I knew he wanted it just that much more. The way he looked at me as I walked over to where I had dropped my sword in the scratchy grass was enough to nearly make me rush back over to him and do just what we both wanted.
But this was neither the time nor the place. I had to teach Fai how to use a sword otherwise he would disappear from my world.
I licked the pad of my thumb and swiped it across a mild cut on Fai's cheek. We couldn't afford to waste our rationed disinfectant on something like this.
Fai's mouth formed what appeared to be an 'awwww' and then he began to motion in the air with his fingers.
He pointed to me.
Then his index fingers outlined a rather wide and lopsided heart.
Finally Fai's finger pointed to his cheek.
His statement was well punctuated with a bright, over done smile. I was so close to strangling him at that moment. If he was going to go about smiling as if he meant to put the sun to shame then he should at lease have the decency to smile for real.
I dismissed him with a wave of my hand as I turned around to get back inside our tent. It wasn't my place to tell him how to feel after all…
Battle was something I took pleasure in. Though I am not a murderer I was trained to kill until Tomoyo-Hime put that curse on me. When we first rode into battle I was beyond relieved when I found out that there was some sort of loop in this world that voided her curse. Perhaps it was the magic of the world or the simple fact that it was needed that I killed people? I had no idea what caused this catch in her curse but dammit if I wasn't grateful for it.
It was probably four weeks after I had taught Fai how to properly fight with a sword when I witnessed his near disappearance. He'd been cornered by some war-crazed enemy and was closing his eyes.
Dammit does he want to die?!
I rode over to him as fast as I could, the wind whipping the sides of my exposed face. I stopped for barely a second before one swipe of my sword ended the life of the man who threatened to take Fai away from me. Fai didn't even bother to be disgusted by all of the blood that had splattered across his face and armor. Instead he looked up at me, almost pleading for forgiveness.
Does he want to piss me off?!
I nodded towards the back of the creature I had been riding. He happily scrambled to his feet and onto the back. When his arms wrapped around my waist tightly I couldn't help but wish that we weren't on the battlefield. But, we were and I had to get his wounds treated because the way he'd gotten up on this animal (favoring his right side) worried me. I rode off, looking for anyone that I could tell this to.
"This one needs medical attention," I said to the Colonel jerking my thumb to Fai, who was still holding on to me for dear life.
"Okay," the man replied as he went back into battle with a hard face on.
I assumed that his rough 'okay' was a 'yes' more for Fai's benefit than for being lazy or disrespectful. I clicked my tongue and change directions so that we would ride over to the encampment.
We came to a skidding halt at the foot of the camp. I took a hold of one of Fai's wrists and regrettably untangled them from my torso. After I got off of the creature I placed my hands on either side of Fai's hips, and he put his hands on my shoulders to steady himself. I heard a painful gasp when I lifted him from his seat and placed him on the ground. I looked at him for a second; the pain that I had initiated from the wound was still lingering in his eyes.
I took a hold of his forearm and pulled him towards our tent. If I didn't at least take a look at him then he could get seriously messed up later on when it's too late. When we reached our humble dwelling I shoved him down onto our only cot (Fai's was given to some one who needed it). I searched under the bed for the basic first aid kit that was given to each tent. Fai was apprehensive about getting treated. I don't think that it was about me seeing the wound or anything like that. I think it was about the fact that we were only allowed one barely stocked first aid kit.
Stop being so dam difficult!
I took his thin wrists into one of my hands. If he wanted to play the hard way, I was game. I held him like this for a second before a sigh of resignation came from his lips. Releasing his wrists I stepped back and motioned for him to unbutton his pants so that I could get a better look at him. He looked startled by this when I realized that it looked more like I had told him to get undressed in a more…sexual way.
I shook my head and took a small corner of his shirt in my hand. I lifted it up slightly to look at what had happened to his side. I couldn't imagine what would've caused a gash like this in his side. The way the wound looked it had to have been fresh, the sides weren't completely encrusted in a scab yet. Just lifting his shirt like that didn't give me enough room to help heal it. I placed on hand on the edge of his tunic and looked up into his eyes.
Is it okay…?
He nodded, understanding what I meant. I pulled it up and over his frame, my eyes drinking in the pale milky look of his skin. As much as I wanted to allow my eyes the privilege of memorizing his every dip and curve, I had to treat his side first and foremost.
Fai hissed and wiggled slightly when I began to heal his gash. First it had to be cleaned out, and then it had to be sterilized. Once I was done cleaning it he seemed more at ease, and I could feel his eyes silently watching me as I worked.
There were many moments when I was with Fai and I could not explain myself or actions adequately. When I rubbed my thumb over the bandage I placed over his now healing wound I leaned down and kissed it gently. And it is this action that I could never understand. Why had I kissed his wound?
He gasped above me, no doubt out of pain even though I'd been as gentle as humanly possible.
It was the simple act of kissing his side that had opened the flood gate. I had wanted to kiss Fai but I had always restrained myself no matter how tempting the situation. Now however I had let something out that I couldn't stop. I crouched in front of him, my height showing despite that I was on my knees and he was on a cot.
Even in that poor lighting he looked breathtaking. I felt like I was in the presence of something truly amazing. The way he looked up at me, like he was entranced by me made me want him so damn badly. My movements were smooth as I reached forward and stroked one dirty curl of his flaxen hair. I could hear his breath come out in spurts while I leaned forward, bypassing his lips and brushing his cheek to arrive at his ear.
"Please don't disappear…"
I moved my hand up and down his undamaged side and then I teased the edge of his hips with a slight motion of my fingers. I could imagine his eyes closing to accommodate the pleasure and emotion.
Then slowly, far too slow for me, I trailed my lips to meet his, placed one hand on the back of his elegant neck while his hand gripped onto the wrist that cradled his neck and I kissed him like he was the only person I lived for. I nipped at his lips, he gasped in and I took this to my advantage. I kissed him deeper, tasting ever inch I reach at. And damn was it good.
I heard him moan slightly as I continued to kiss him with desperation. I don't suck on his pale lips too much, leaving marks could lead to questions and then suspicion and we really don't need that right now. (Though I think people began to raise eyebrows when we slept on the same cot.)
There was this moment of hesitation in my movements, where I wasn't too sure about what to do next. I kissed him, just like I had wanted to.
But…now it wasn't enough…
The want that had burned deep inside of me had become so strong after kissing him, feeling his porcine skin and hearing him react to all of this.
Kissing wasn't enough…
I shifted then moved to get up on the cot with him, breaking the connection of our lips for seconds before greedily taking them as my own again and again. I was a mere mortal feasting on ambrosia at that point. His lips would either keep me young forever or make me forget about time all together.
It felt good to be over him, to see his face change with ever new touch, kiss and nip. I loved the way he wrapped himself around me, clinging to my naked back as we moved together.
But most of all,
I loved how it wasn't enough.
Even after I had him, claimed him if I were that crude, I still wanted more. Greedy as it may sound I needed more. I needed more of his silken skin against mine, more of his halo like bland hair wrapped around my tan fingers. I needed more of everything.
And even stranger still was that I was okay with it all.
I was okay with being greedy and needy for Fai. I was okay with the fact that he kissed my sweat beaded neck like he was thanking me. And I was okay with lying naked with him on a cot too small for any normal person.
"There is a temporary treaty," the Colonel informed me in a voice that said he was in a rush to sleep a full night's sleep. "Neither side is equipped to finish this war so we are having a cease fire to gather more supplies."
I turned to Fai and attempted to explain what the Colonel had just told me. There were many hand signals and the use of one empty plastic bag. I am pretty sure that Fai got it but after a few moments he just shook his head and pointed out toward the field we went to for private training. I understood.
While I could talk I didn't want to. But he wanted nothing more than to talk. The look he gave me was enough to tell me that.
"There is a four day break, no one goes into battle."
I grunted out a response, careful not to sound too submissive or too prideful to my commanding officer. He left our small tent to go attend to other soldiers and other matters concerning this war. I sunk down to our cot, the smells of our combined bodies wafting up to greet me with memories of nights spent like that.
He needs some space…
I thought for a second, attempting busy myself with the way the plastic bag closed. But no matter how many times I opened and closed the damned thing I couldn't stop thinking about how Fai was. The way his eyes just looked at me in defeat and in slight envy is not something that I could easily ignore. I knew he hadn't meant to show me all of that, but he did. And now I couldn't get it out of my head.
I watched as the bag floated to the floor, getting caught in the breeze in the middle of its journey. There wasn't much hesitation in my step as I walked through the entrance to our tent and toward the grassy field.
The only time that my steps came to a gradual stop was when I heard a chorus of diamonds drifting towards me. I took slow, hesitant steps, making sure not to startle Fai, who was the one who was undoubtedly singing.
Though I'd never bothered to learn a word of his language I could still feel the sadness in the melodious notes he sang so unaware of his one-man audience. I had meant to start walking to Fai while he was still singing but by the time the enchantment had worn off and I was aware that I could move again, his timber voice was already receding into the ending of the song.
If he knew I was there he showed no indication that he knew. I took this as a sign that it was okay to intrude on this highly personal moment. He didn't say a word as I sat closer to him, so I didn't do anything to disrupt the peace that settled between our shoulders.
"You can never disappear," I said while staring at him with conviction strong in my voice. "Because for now, if never again, you are my world…"
I wasn't sure if I could've said this to him if he asked me to when Mokona showed up again but…for now it was enough to say it. And under any other circumstances I probably would not have said something like that anyway, Fai however, was not a usual circumstance because he really did pull something from me and put something of his own in its place.
He turned to me, those deep blue eyes ridden with pain and confusion. Then the words that explains his confusion spill out and all I could do was nod and twist a single section of soft pure blond hair around my finger while trying to think of how much I want to kiss him into sweet oblivion. My fingers caressed his cheek caringly, and I masochistically allowed the want…
…to build up in my chest until it was utterly unbearable.
But oddly enough this time he initiated the kiss. He pressed his lips to mine to ebb the loneliness away. But when he tries to pull away I stop him with my hand at the base of his neck. One kiss was not enough.
It never was.
And it never would be.
My hand slid around his waist and brought him closer to my body. It felt nice to have him against me. The way we fit was a marvel too big to comprehend the first time around. I had to repeatedly pull him against me and feel that same sensation.
The sensation that I belonged somewhere as did he.
Our mouths parted for that moment of oxygen and then met again in mutual desire and desperation.
I kissed him again, deep enough to feel his heart in my hand, telling him that he was my world even if this never happened again.
He kissed me again, deep enough to know that he was my world, replying to my needs with his sweet taste of alone.
I'd make you my world… if only you'd let me…
A/N: So, how was that? I'm scared that it doesn't match up in quality to Fai's part...but that's all up to you guys I guess? There are of course moments in here that Fai didn't mention because just like any other person he'll exclude what he doesn't deem needed and put in the things he thinks are needed. Same with Kuro, he told some things that Fai left out and left out some things that Fai told. It's a normal thing.
Oh and thank you to "The fanfictionalchemist" for getting the Boondock Saints reference! And yes...that movie is grossly under rated...-sob- lol Everyone tell me what you think!! -bites nails-