Shut Up!

A Fan Fiction brought to you by Fish Friend

Disclaimer: I'll put it in verse. (To the tune of 'Pop goes the Weasel')

How much do I have to say,

It's certainly not even mine,

It's Ms. Meyer's for real,

Nope! Not Mine!

A/N: This is me trying to break my writers block. I LOVE reviews. I always check out peoples accounts when they review me, so review me and I'll look over your stuff. I really appreciate this. REVIEWS! runs in circles


As I pulled in the drive way, I noticed two things. One, there was a car in the drive way that did not belong to us Cullens. And two, that car belonged to the Chief of Police, my future in-law, if Alice had her way. That in itself was, quite obviously, a delicate and potentially problematic situation. Charlie had been...well, not utterly stubborn, more over difficult, to Edward as of late. Despite the flawless performance by Edward, Charlie was, crudely put, a normal protective father, with normal paternal instincts, attempting to guard his daughter from the enemy: her boyfriend. Who was, in fact, trying to protect Charlie's protectee from a congregation of vampires bent on revenge, which included Bella's death.

I was certainly uneasy as I pulled into the garage, and shut the door to the Mercedes. Alice was there as well, sitting on the hood of her new neon yellow Porsche (even more ostentatious then Rosalie's M3 convertible),, smirking at me. "Hello Carlisle." she greeted me, dislodging herself from the hood, landing silently on the concrete floor. She had undeniably been waiting for me to return home, for she now turned to face me, trying to fight back her giggles. "Just to let you know, Charlie's inside." she informed me, apparently gleeful and undisturbed by this new and unexplored turn of events. This relaxed me a substantial amount. If Alice had seen a vision relating to this then it couldn't be destructive or threatening to our social make up or to our furtiveness. I immediately tensed again, realizing that though it may not be destructive to our disguise, it may be destructive to our dignity, and judging by Alice's reaction to the situation, it was probably my dignity on the chopping block.

"Hello Alice." I said carefully, before walking by her, my stride deliberately controlled and casual. I opened the door ti the garage, and hurried through the misting rain towards the front porch. Once I had navigated the way across the soggy grass and climbed the slippery stairs, I opened the door and entered, shutting it quickly behind me. I shrugged out of my coat, hanging it on the brass coat hanger by the door. I turned to scan the room, and found Emmett playing on the X-Box (X-box 360 live as Emmett continuously prodded me to call it), Jasper versing him, Rosalie absent, and Esme standing in the kitchen...with Charlie. Alice can scampering in behind me, kicking her shoes off by the door, bright eyed with anticipation. She skipped off to sit on the couch and 'watch' Jasper and Emmett, though obviously about to listen in on whatever was about to occur. I hoped Jasper would let my emotions be, and let me settle this for myself. This was parenting and I played the father, while he played the son. Clearly, this encounter was my own to solve or to...well, send it plummeting to the ground.

"Carlisle, dear, Charlie stopped by." Esme called to me, her voice soft, but hinting. She was warning me, about what, I had not an idea. I glanced over to Emmett and Jasper, both had paused to look at me. Emmett, probably in on the event courtesy of Alice, grinning at me. 'He is going to enjoy this as much as Alice.' I mused, before absorbing Jasper's expression. He wasn't grinning like Emmett, though he was obviously amused, a small smile dancing across his pointed features. 'Jasper being Jasper.' I thought with a sigh before I turned my attention back to the kitchen.

"Oh?" I called, entering the kitchen with a measured step. I examined their expressions, trying to read the situation. Charlie looked uncomfortable to say the least, like he had worked his way up to this for a long time. His hands were stuffed into his pockets, and he was shifting his weight from foot to foot, ignoring the cup of tea that was steaming on the counter, going untouched. Esme looked calm and collective as ever, though the seemed to be anticipating something, her hands around a mug of tea, a prop.

"Yes. He said he wanted to have a word with you." she said, her lips turned downward a fraction of a millimeter, but it was enough to understand what she was saying. 'Tread Carefully' seemed to apply in this situation. She didn't need to tell me this, I knew this would cause discomfort on both parties and that this might end… with me in humiliation. 'Fabulous.' I thought, inwardly preparing myself for this devastation to my pride.

"Alright." I said calmly, meeting Charlie's nervous glance with calm integrity. "Shall we talk in my office?" I suggested casually, raising my eye brows ever so slightly. I heard Alice's footsteps, like a moth wings beating against the stairs, already u pto the second floor, no doubt hiding in the room next door, ready to eavesdrop. Ahhh, Alice. Always too rambunctious. Or maybe it was just the rest of us who weren't rambunctious enough.

"Um...Sure, I guess." Charlie's voice was thick, deep and slightly monotonous to my sensitive ears. I turned to sweep out of the room, my nerves beginning to bother me more and more. It wasn't like me to be so worked up over a simple conversation. Maybe I was so frazzled because I was talking to Edward's girlfriend's (well, soon to be finance according to Alice) father. If that wasn't direct grounds for nervousness...well, then, I'd be damned. No pun intended.

I could hear Rosalie down the hall, her stereo a thudding bass tempo, the floor vibrating ever so slightly each time a deep note was boomed out. I could almost hear Emmett's ears perk up as the song changed to a more provocative number. I caught the general drift of the lyrics within a few moments. I mentally rolled my eyes, opening the door to my office, standing back and allowing Charlie to clamber nosily into the room, his feet hitting the floor like their own rhythm….thud, whack, whack thud, thud, shuffle, thud, whack, shuffle… It was irksome, and with Charlie being heavy set… well, it just made me wish Rosalie's music was loud enough to drown out the wearisomely repetitive footsteps. Charlie's throaty voice broke me out of my thoughts, and my eyes snapped back to his rotund face as I sat behind my desk, wondering too late if this would seem a condescending move. Charlie sat down awkwardly in one of the chairs to the right of my desk, and I swiveled so I could meet his worried eyes, examine his knitted brow, his pursed lips, that looked so familiar to Bella's when she was concentrating on difficult topic.

"Carlisle, you know Edward and Bella have…dating awhile." The balding forty-something-year-old began, his words deliberate, managing to withhold stutterings and hesitation markers in his...speech, lecture, discussion or whatever this was.

"Of course." I nodded politely, my fingers intertwined, and perched delicately on my khaki pants. My foot moved minutely, expending some of the stress I could feel my body creating under this pressurized situation.

"Well," Charlie tried to start again, bitting his lip and furrowing his brow in his neurotic state. "I've, thinking for some, um, time, about how, well, how their relationship is becoming more...serious?" As soon as the words left his mouth, his uncertainty was even more plain. He told me this information, making the statement sound like a question. The sweat I could smell in the air was misting over the back of his neck, and he was fidgeting so much so it was distracting me enormously.

"Edward's always been very serious about their relationship." I commented, my eyes open and inviting, trying to allow him to confide the rest of his thoughts to me. I still couldn't ascertain why he had really come here, what he was aiming at. I had some ideas of course, some more mortifying than others. Was he here to talk about if there was a wedding in the near future? Had he caught on to our ruse? Or was he simply here to check in on the status ? My bets were evenly distributed on each of these. I had been reading humans for an extensive period, and, yet, they still managed to surprise me.

"Yes...erm…well, you I came here to talk to you about the seriousness of their relationship." My possible future in-law stuttered this words, his cheeks flushing only slightly faintly, only enough for me to see the blood begin to pool slightly in his cheeks out of anxiety.

The trembling of the floor changed slightly, informing me there was another song change in Rosalie and Emmett's room. It was blatantly...pornographic. I wished she wasn't playing such songs with Bella's father in the house… Hell, I wished she wasn't playing that music at all. I knew Rosalie wasn't innocent in the least, but it was nice to indulge myself and think of her fairly...less permissive than she really was. I heard Jasper's snort of disapproval as Emmett dropped the game controller with a thud, and flew up the stairs. He was less dainty then Alice of course, but his feet were still soft in human perspective as he flew up the stairs. I heard the quiet click of the room's lock, before trying to block the rest out.

"I know they're quite serious, yes." I stated, still a little oblivious to his general gist, distracted by Rosalie and Emmett's activities. Charlie's aim was sitting plainly in front of me, yet the idea had not surfaced in my mind. Was this merely a status report? I doubted it now. Charlie would not be this uncomfortable if he was purely checking in.

"Um… I was wondering if you knew just how serious." The words spilled out of his mouth in one tangled mess, slurring together. I felt my face blanche as his words caught up with my mind. I suddenly wished Jasper had interfered, calmed me down even slightly. It would make my embarrassment easier to hide, and make my resolution to this situation easier to find and use. He wasn't here to talk about us being vampires, about a wedding, or to check in. No, it was something much more humiliating.

Charlie was here to talk about Edward, Bella and sex.

"If you're referring to Edward and Bella's physical relationship, I can personally assure you that they have not…" I paused to decide how to phrase it delicately. I decided straight forward would be best, as Charlie was certainly not a vocabulary genius, "They have not had sex." I said, knowing that my bone white cheeks would have been flaming red and covered in sweat if possible, utterly similar to Charlie's face.

I knew the whole house was listening in now. Even Emmett and Rosalie were still, though the potential energy lingered in the air about their presence, listening in on this comical occurrence to them, a humiliating and demeaning event for me. Jasper's single player game was paused, Esme was frozen in the act of climbing the stairs. Only Alice remained moving. I could hear her soft giggles, gushing from her mouth like waves, rolling and steady, beating into the air like the waves on sand. I could only see their faces in my mind right then. Esme, her face outright sympathetic, and I imagined her patting my arm, and looking up at me, assuring me it would be all right. Jasper would remain slightly detached, but he would pity the situation. Alice...well, Alice was laughing, which was enough to infer from. Emmett and Rosalie were hard to think about at that moment, it made it harder to think straight and avoid mental images knowing they were in the middle of explicit activities that Charlie was referring to.

"Oh… That's good…" Charlie muttered, looking at the ground as he stood unsteadily. He hadn't been expecting me to come out right and say it, I saw. Well, I certainly hadn't wanted to beat around the bush as they said. I had wanted to get it over with as fast as he did, that was an instant truth.

"It's just, you know, I didn't want" Charlie went on, the blush spreading to his neck now, his face a fabulous fire truck red now, similar to Bella's face when she was mortally embarrassed. Erg, Charlie! Just shut up (if you'd pardon the crudeness)! Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!! My self-humiliation, and my humiliation for Charlie, deepened considerably. He was talking about a pregnancy… Oh, if he only knew that there really wasn't anything to worry about in that category. If only he knew Edward could kill her if they even tried having sex… The absoluteness of our combined ignominy was awe-striking.

I stood, abrupt and perhaps too fast to keep up my performance with him present. "There's nothing to worry about." I assured him, trying to rush him out of the house and back home as fast as I could. I didn't care if while he was there the others wouldn't bother me -- I'd rather face their wrath and mocking than converse one more word with Charlie. I opened the door and allowed him to stagger through it. Again with the damned foot steps! Whack, shuffle, shuffle, trip, thud, whack, thud, thud… It was infuriating! My patience was wearing thin, as was my control on my emotions, my reactions, and my facial expressions.

"Yes, well…" Charlie flustered, clambering down the stairs after me as I hurried down the staircase to the front door. My mind was ruffled, and I wanted him out, not because I didn't like him, it was just… mortification after mortification! It was impossible to endure for more than a few moments of conversing! I nodded, and smiled wearily at him.

"Thanks for stopping by, Charlie. I can appreciate where you're coming from." I said, the words tumbling out of my mouth as fast as was possible for Charlie's ears. "And don't worry, I'll keep and eye on it. There's not need to worry." That was a lie on my part. Edward was mature enough to make these types of decisions for himself, and if Charlie would lay off of the both of them, they might stop feeling so pressured. It would be nice to have Charlie's cooperation, true. But I doubted that would come easily, and certainly without much effort and time.

I opened the door, and he scrambled through, obviously just as pleased as I to be free of such complicated topics of speech. "Thanks Carlisle." he croaked, his voice mirroring my own chagrin. I nodded, and shut the door quickly. As soon as this was done, the house seemed to come alive again. I turned slowly, my teeth slightly gritted. Alice was already there, hands behind her back as she leaned back on her heels and then rocked forward onto the balls of her feet, wide-eyed and innocent.

She gave me an impish smile, "How was your chat with Charlie?" she asked, her voice mimicking a child's.

I threw an exasperated glance at her, and uttered the first words that entered my mind.

"Shut up."

She really was too rambunctious for her own good.