I came to rage, to scream, to accuse, at least that's what I
thought until I got here.
I heard you before anything else, your voice is unmistakable
to me and even though I couldn't understand your words, over six years as the
Slayer has taught me to recognize Latin when I hear it. As I came sight of you… you didn't see me,
didn't even sense me, I want to be hurt by that, but you've got reason… I saw
you cross yourself and realized you'd been praying. Does it hurt you to do that, I wondered even as I recognized how
little the pain would mean to you.
Your hands and face were covered in dirt; I guess digging a
grave is every bit as tough as digging out of one, and I'm not just talking
physically. The tear tracks that mark
your face attest to that. My hands were
torn and bleed, under the dirt I see yours are blistered and burned. I didn't understand why until I saw the
cross painstakingly carved into the makeshift headstone.
You don't have the benefit of magic to make this secret
grave seem more respectful… more of a true memorial, but you're doing the best
"You were born on a Wednesday, and never was a child more
appropriately born," you say, your voice heavy with regrets. "Conceived in despair, come to term in
strife, born in desperation and lived… lived for so very short a time… in shame
and hate. I'm so sorry Eoin…"
Wednesday's child is full of woe… I knew that nursery rhyme
was old when Mom read it to me but I never guessed that it was old enough that
you would know it too.
Conceived in despair… what happened that night Angel? All I know, all anyone knows is that you had
sex with her, with Darla. That much was
undeniable, and no one cared to know more.
Why did you sleep with her? What
were you thinking? What did you want
that night? No one knows the whole
Come to term in strife… that's easy, Darla made it well know
the lengths she went to to terminate the pregnancy. You may have called Giles to try to learn how it was possible
that she was pregnant when Wesley failed to find an answer, but she called as
well, to tell him all she cared about was the fastest way to get over it, and
oh yeah, threaten him with a painful death if he didn't help her. I drug every last detail out of him, out of
all of them, before I came.
Born in desperation… you were running weren't you? Your history with Holtz was one of the
things I dug up. He hunted you and
Darla across Europe while the two of you were still the worst of the
worst. What else could you of
done? You're Angel not Angelus so
killing him wasn't really an option and Darla wasn't exactly in fighting prime
even if you would have let her kill him, cause, well, Holtz was some guy who's
family you ate and not a lawyer.
Lived in shame and hate… I didn't get that, but you
"You weren't just a mistake, or evidence of crime, even if
that's how my actions were scene by my friends, former friends. But you weren't to blame for the
circumstance of your conception, and you were not an abomination either, no matter
what anyone says. You were just a
child. My child and I loved you
Eoin. I can only hope you knew that."
Until that moment, when you called him a child, I hadn't
realized that: a child, your son, Eoin.
I didn't know that. When they
told me where to find you they called him an it. "You were burying it," that what they said, that's how I saw
things. I saw what Holtz did as getting
That's not what he did was it? What he did was murder a three-month-old baby named Eoin, and
there is no justification for that.
Those that seek retribution against Angelus rarely look for anything
resembling justice; all they want is vengeance.
If the gypsies had wanted justice your soul would have been
left in peace. The first thing I was
ever taught about vampire is that they aren't the people that died. Their souls leave and a demon takes their
bodies and their memories. It isn't
fair that your soul bears the weight of the demon's crimes. It isn't fair that you're the one who has to
make amends, but it's the only way you can free yourself from the guilt you
I doubt you understand that what the demon did wasn't your
fault, you're too close to see what they did was just vengeance and never
justice. You didn't deserve this.
I thought I came here for cathartic anger, the chance to
lash out at you for what happened between you and Darla; I'm not. Sometimes forgiveness is just as healing as
venting, more so really.
Yes it hurt to learn you'd had sex with Darla and that she
had a child by you. But it's not like I
haven't had sex since we broke up… okay it's not the same thing; you left
me! But now's not the time and like I
said earlier, there's more to the story than you having sex; I know you well
enough to know that much even if I don't know what. The thing is you didn't love her, you never loved her not like
you loved me, your soul would be gone if you had.
You made a mistake, I've made mistakes too, everybody does.
Remember my eighteenth birthday and Giles drugging me? I forgave him, and I'm forgiving you too,
because everyone deserves to be forgiven every now and then. Even you, even though you'd never agree with
me if I told you that, especially now, you're hurting and I won't add to that. I died before I let Dawn be hurt, I would
have let the world be destroyed before I let her be hurt, so I think I
understand what your feeling.
Some of things you've done regarding this… situation weren't
a mistake. That you loved and did your
best to protect Eoin, even when that meant protecting Darla too, wasn't wrong
and I won't ever hold that against you.
As for the other, I can forgive that.
I realize somewhere along the way I picked some wild
flowers. I walk up beside you and place
them on the grave then slip my hand into yours.
"Buffy, you're here," you say surprised gratitude filling
"Of course I'm here."
Author's Note: I'm being a little hard on the Fang Gang,
maybe. Last year they were SUCH great
friends to Angel when it came to understanding his empathy for the then human
Darla. I fully expect them to be
equally understanding when it comes to her pregnancy. (Yeah right.)