Rauru: Greetings. I am Rauru, Sage of Light and I will guide you through this epic quest of…hey! What are you doing?! Insolent girl! I'm gonna…
Sage of Video Games: Ok, sorry about that. (ahem) Hey! I'm Sage of Video Games! But since I'm too lazy too type that over and over, just call me Sage. Anyway, I'm going to be your narrator today instead of that old geezer Rauru.
Rauru: (mumbles something about hitting old men with frying pans)
Sage: Shut up Rauru. Anyway, Link will be doing the disclaimer for this chapter.
Link: What's in it for me?
Sage: I'll give you this pretty purple rupee.
Link: Money!? Sweet! Sage doesn't own Zelda, just this story. Now can I have my rupee?
Sage: Yup. *hands Link the rupee*
It was another typical day at Ganon's Lair. Typical being that Ganon had kidnapped Zelda again and was standing in the highest room of the tallest tower of his castle gloating about it.
"Mwahahaha!" laughed Ganon evilly. "Now that I've captured Princess Zelda, Hyrule is as good as mine!"
"Not so fast Ganon!" a voice yelled as the door to the room slammed open with a bang, causing Ganon to jump and let out a very un-villainous squeak. Then he spun around and caught sight of the owner of the voice. "Oh, not you again." he groaned.
"Who'd you expect, Dark Link?" asked Link as he came through the door of the room with his sword in hand.
Ganon blinked stupidly. "Who's Dark Link?"
Link just stared at the evil king for a moment before shaking his head is disbelief. "…idiot." he muttered. "Anyway, release Zelda this instant or else!"
Ganon snorted. "Or else what?"
"Uh…you'll run me through with the Master Sword?"
"Actually, I was just going to beat you into unconsciousness and then lock you in your own dungeon, but I like your idea better."
Ganon paled when he realized what he'd done. "Aw, crap…"
"Hyaa!" yelled Link as he stabbed Ganon in the in the heart.
"Ahhh!" screamed Ganon as he fell on his hands and knees. "Curse you Link!" he yelled as he melted into a steaming puddle of goop which then dissolved into purple smoke.
Link grinned. "I just love doing that! Now to find Zelda."
Link walked through the newly opened door in the back of the room and began to search the rest of the tower. He hadn't gotten very far when he heard a creaking noise above his head. He looked up.
"What the…ahhh!" Link screamed as a cage fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of him, missing his nose by mere inches.
"It's about time you got here! Get me out!" Zelda demanded from inside the cage.
"All right, all right!" exclaimed Link "No need to yell. Geez…" He quickly broke the cage's lock with the Master Sword.
"Finally!" exclaimed Zelda as she pushed open the door and walked out of the cage. "It gets so annoying listening to Ganon!"
"You always say that." observed Link "What does he talk about that's so horrible anyway?"
Zelda got a distant look in her eyes as she remembered a few of her more recent abductions.
Zelda glared up at Ganon from where she was trapped in a pit while Ganon stood at the edge looking down at her.
"Do you think we should have our wedding in my lair or in Death Mountain Crater?" Ganon asked.
Zelda gave Ganon a disgusted look. "First of all, both of those places have way too much lava, and second…I'm not marrying you!"
"I'll never marry you!"
"If you don't I'll force you to watch Barney."
Zelda gasped. "You wouldn't!"
Ganon grinned evilly. "Oh, but I would."
"Nooo!" screamed Zelda. "Link, help me!"
Zelda stood on an island in the middle of a bubbling lake of lava, trying to stay as far away from the fiery substance as possible. Ganon hovered above the lava in front of her, not noticing that the tip of his cape had caught fire from dangling in the lava.
"I'm thinking about making your boyfriend watch our wedding before I kill him. What do you think?" Ganon asked.
Zelda gave him a weird look. "But I don't have a boyfriend."
Ganon blinked. "You mean Link isn't your boyfriend?"
"No, he is not! By now you should know that Link and I are not in love, and that I'm not marrying you!" shouted the frustrated princess.
Ganon gave her a blank look. "Huh? But I thought the hero and the princess were always supposed to be in love…"
Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Where did you hear that?"
"It's common knowledge."
"Well, it's not true."
"Huh…" Ganon shrugged. "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. You're still going to marry me."
"I'm not marrying you!"
"If you don't, I'll make you watch Teletubbies."
"Ahhh!" Zelda screamed. "Nooo!"
Zelda sat in a cage that was hanging from the ceiling of Ganon's tower while Ganon stood on a platform beside it.
"Hmmm…" the evil king mused. "Should I force Rauru to perform the wedding ceremony…or should I just do it myself?"
Zelda glared at him.
"What do you think Princess?" Ganon inquired.
"I think that you should jump into Death Mountain Crater!" Zelda snarled. "Haven't you figured out that no matter what you do to me, I'll never marry you?! Now release me!"
"No. You're gonna marry me whether you like it or not."
Zelda sprang up and charged a magic attack. "No, I'm gonna kill you!"
Zelda tried to shoot Ganon with her magic, but it evaporated on contact with the cage bars.
Ganon smirked. "I put you in a magic resistant cage, remember?"
"…I hate you."
Zelda shuddered and tried to shrug off the horrible memories. "…I'd rather not talk about it."
"Well, it couldn't have been too bad." said Link as he turned towards the door. Zelda twitched and reached towards his neck with the intention of strangling him. Just as her hands were about to close around her prey, she was interrupted by an extremely high pitched voice behind them shouting, "Link! Where are you? Hey listen! Are you there? Link!"
Zelda quickly withdrew her hands as Link turned around and groaned. "Not now Navi." He said exasperatedly.
Navi flew up to them. "There you are!" she exclaimed. "What're you doing?"
"Take a wild guess." said Link dryly.
"Um…oh! I know, I know! You're rescuing Zelda!" yelled Navi proudly.
Link rolled his eyes. "Gee, how'd ya guess?"
"Well actually, it was quite simple since you told me that Zelda got kidnapped again and that you were going to go rescue her and that Hyrule needed saving again and that…"
"Shut up!!" shouted Link and Zelda.
"Never!" yelled Navi. "This a free country thanks to you Link so that means that I can talk as much as I want without being persecuted or…mmmmph!" Navi was cut off by Link putting duct tape on her mouth.
"As the old saying goes, silence is golden but duct tape is silver." said Link smugly.
Zelda blinked. "Where did you hear that?"
"…I don't know…"
"Mmmmph mmm mm mmmph!" Navi tried to talk through the duct tape, but to no avail.
"Navi," said Link. "If you don't stop trying to talk, I'll feed you to a frog."
"Mmmph mm mmm!?"
Link grabbed Navi and fed her to a random frog that just so happened to be hopping around Ganon's Lair. Link sighed contentedly. "That's more like it."
"Link!" yelled Sage from some place where they couldn't see her. "Get her out of there! She plays a vital role in this story!"
Link pouted. "Do I have to?"
"Only if you don't want me to smite you with lightning…"
Link laughed nervously. "Uh, that won't be necessary!"
Link quickly reached inside the frog and pulled out an unconscious Navi.
"That's better." said Sage.
Zelda, who had been watching all of this go on from where she was leaning against the wall, finally spoke up. "So, how are we getting back to the castle?"
"We'll ride on Epona!" said Link.
Zelda walked over to the window and looked down at the entrance to Ganon's Lair. Epona was nowhere in sight. Zelda crossed her arms and looked over her shoulder at Link pointedly. "…well?"
"Dang it! I forgot to bring her because I warped here!" Link thought for a moment. "Hmmm…I guess we're walking."
Zelda shook her head in disbelief. "Idiot."
Man, I must've redone this chapter four times now. But I must admit, it does look much better now then it did in its original script form.