How could you do this to me? How could you slice into my skin and peel it back like a layer of canvas on the floor, slipping beneath it and curling up under it to prick and poke and affect everything I do with your constant presence within me? Why, no matter how many times I claw and bite at myself like a dog with fleas, why do you never flee from me? From my thoughts, my fingertips, my skin?
And you actually think you're fooling anybody by pretending not to notice? You think you can get away with not even knowing what you do to me? Everybody can see these marks you leave, the bruises, the cuts, the caved in pieces of my skin where you chewed through my muscle to bore into my bones and veins until there is no part of me you don't inhabit? Everybody can see it, its right here, right here in my eyes!
How can you not see your own claws biting into my heart whenever I see you smile, and know it's not mine. I want that smile, I want it to be for me, but it rarely ever is, and when it does belong to me, it's not the real smile I wanted. It's not the smile that's 'just for me'. It's just your average smile, even if it's a genuinely friendly smile, which is more than I get from other people, it's not really mine. It's a public smile, and I get to borrow it from the people of the world and hold it to me for a few short seconds before it must be passed to another.
Because those smiles aren't meant to be held by a single person, it's not 'the' smile. It's not my smile. It's just a friendly public smile.
And when you touch me it's not my touch either, not the touch of desire or affection or love, it's just a regular brush of flesh, my poor marred flesh that you've dug into so many times. Every one of those touches is like another wound you inflict upon me. Why, why does every little gesture you make, every little kind thing you do to me, make me want to scream from the pain? Because it's not enough, it's just not enough anymore.
Life isn't like some fluffy little fiction love story. Sometimes the poor fag pinning after the straight guy doesn't get the love he wants. Sometimes he just has to sit back and cry into his pillow, because he knows he'll never have his love for his own. And as horrible as it feels, I'll never voice my true feelings, because that would just make everything awkward, because you can never return them.
We'll never be in that clichéd situation, the rain, the pain, the unbearable sadness. I'll never be standing in front of you screaming my feelings. I'll never tell you that I like you, that I really, really like you, since the first time I saw you I've liked you! I'll never say it! Never, because that just doesn't happen in real life, people don't make those confessions because average people don't feel these kind of emotions for each other. If they did I don't think the world could bear it, I don't think anything could survive the intensity of my feelings times two, I can barely handle it myself.
And so you'll never know about it, because you'll never return it, and I don't want you to feel the sadness of knowing how much I want you, how terribly, painfully I need you, and know you could never feel the same for me.
But I don't understand how you can still be so oblivious to what you do to me. How everyone can be so incredibly ignorant to my pain and suffering, to my longing. Its right here, in my skin, my eyes, my face, my actions. It right in front of all of you, if you'd only look closely. Just look, even if it isn't so close, and you'll see how I feel. Just stop glancing over my surfaces and pay attention, I know you'll see it. I know you will. If only you simply look.
Just look damnit!
Just look, for once just look at me. Because I'm tired of having to wait silently. Because I will never tell you, never show you, never force the decision to break me apart into fragments onto you. If you only just look, I won't have to.
I won't have to, You'll see it.
If you only look, you'll see everything.
This was actually really a rant against my own six year long crush. Dash just kind of got to be the one acting it out. I figured most fanfics having one of the boys aching for the other always showed an explicit sexual desire, hinting that that may just be the only reason behind the affections. Me, I fear sexual interaction for myself, probably from my childhood trauma, and so most likely compensate for it with the intensity of my feelings, and should I ever get over those fears, look out, because I'll probably be a wildcat due to the amount of my emotions. big grin
You'd be surprised how incredibly invisible the most intense emotions you'll ever feel can be to other people. How Tucker saw Sam and Danny liked each other is beyond me. It took six years before my two closest friends discovered my own feelings, and I had to tell them. Everyone asked why I never told her, and I never could explain it. And then they said that if she was so far out of my reach why don't I just give up on her and move on? How is that even possible? Anyone who can just move on like that must never have felt the real, true intensity of being in love! It's not the distracting, lustful, blushing kind of love that most people experience, it's not the cutesy obvious love they show in cartoons. Even this fic barely personifies my affections.
I can think clearly when she's near, my weight lifts, my breathing becomes easier, my fingers tingle and my teeth chatter. I don't feel whole, I feel bursting, I don't feel distracted, I feel focused, and I don't feel thirsty or hungry or anything for anything like some people do, I don't feel like I'm missing anything or wanting something. I feel content, I feel like I could never eat, drink, or move again and never grow bored or tired or fretful.
I could never just ignore that, never forget it and drop it like it was never worth anything to me and fall for some sexy dyke. I've tried that, I've tried dating someone who wasn't her, and it hurt. It hurt because she wasn't the one I wanted. I felt so horrible. I'd rather be alone for my entire lifetime then feel like I'm betraying my own emotions. I'd rather see my love walk down the isle with another woman .(the whole reason we just can't be is that she's dead straight, if she were to fall for another girl, it would kill me, because I KNOW that could have been me. A man is far more acceptable because I could never be her man)
I didn't get anywhere near close to capturing what it truly is like to love so intensely without it being returned, but I don't think mere words could ever capture such an emotion. Maybe if I left it for a week, sent it back and forth between my editors and a few beta readers like I'm always being told to do It'd be better. But as usual, I'm uploading this raw, right from my fingers. So if there are my usual spelling, grammar, and whatever else mistakes blame it on my impatiens and lack of enough commonsense to have someone else read over it first.
And please, please don't tell me "it gets better." It's been six years, if it gets better, it's a long time coming.
New PO update by the end of the week. If not, PM me and tell me to get my ass on it. I need some prodding now that all my friends are no longer around to strangle a new chapter out of me.