Authors Note: I'm sorry. X.x It's taken forever to get into this stories 'state of mind', as I call it. I've been ridiculously busy lately, between my friends and boyfriend, work, and my other stories, but I've been writing a lot lately. I'm now balancing six fanfictions. Ridiculous, right? I've been so stressed that I wouldn't live up to everyone's expectations for Suicide Girl I haven't had time to write this, or my other previous Harry Potter story, but I think it's about damn time my readers for this story got an update. So here it is. It will probably be a decent length.
Reviews make me happy, keep them coming! And thanks to all who've favorited any of my stories, reviewed them, alerted them or favorited/alerted me!
(Bella's Point of View)
After a week or so in the hospital, I was so ready to get out of here it was making me anxious.
The hospital in Phoenix had flown me back to Forks, and I had been confined to this ungodly white room ever since. Edward was trying to help as much as he could, and barely ever left my side. I don't think he'd left this awful hospital once since I was admitted, but I was grateful for that. My golden eyed angel was the only thing keeping me sane, right now.
There was a tray of food balancing on a makeshift table of my thighs, and I held the fork in my hand, idly poking the small tray of corn that looked too soggy, mashed potatoes that were still lumpy, and a Salisbury steak that looked like it would fall to crumbs the second it was lifted. Hospital food. I hadn't taken one single bite as of yet.
Edward, sitting silently beside my bed with a bag full of things he had been attempting to entertain me with from the gift shop, frowned. "Bella, please eat."
I didn't raise my eyes to his, but took a stab at the mysterious meat. "I'm not hungry..."
His cool hand slid to my cheek, forcing me to look at him. "Love, you must eat. You've been picking at your food all week, and I don't think you've taken ten full bites of any meal." His tone held disapproval, and I knew he was just worried for me.
I sighed, and dropped my fork. "It's hospital food, Edward. It's repulsing."
Slight hope lit up his features at that. "If I smuggle in outside food, will you eat it?"
"For me? Please, Bella?" Concern shone in his eyes, making mine drop guiltily to my blanket covered feet. "You need proper nourishment."
My arms crossed protectively over my stomach. "I have the I.V., it's providing plenty of nutrients, and I'm just not hungry."
His face fell, and his hand rose to pinch the bridge of his nose. I frowned. I knew I was being a burden to him lately, and that I was disappointing him. He'd bee trying so hard for the past week to make me feel at ease, to help me in any way he could, and the lavender circles under his eyes had grown even darker. It saddened me to know I was the cause of it, but I couldn't help the things he was stressing over. I just had lost my appetite lately. I'd dropped about five pounds or so, and I knew that worried him as well. He'd been going out of his way constantly, running here and there if I even mentioned something, and I felt horrible for not being more appreciative and giving him some small semblance of what he wanted.
I picked up the discarded fork, and forced a bite of the mashed potatoes into my mouth. I chewed slowly. It tasted like cardboard, and my mouth felt so dry I had to take a sip of the water on the tray just to be able to swallow. I took a few more bites, forcing myself to consume at least half of what was on the tray, before reaching the meat. "There. But I am not eating that unknown mystery meat."
I was rewarded with that beloved crooked smile, and I offered a small, shy one in return. It felt odd to smile.
Because I wasn't happy. My leg was in a huge cast, my wrist was bandaged, and between the legs I wasn't in too great of shape either. I'd begun to heal, slowly. But while Edward had been in the cafeteria getting me food a few days ago, I'd read one of the rape pamphlets the nurses gave me. Most rape victims end up severely, and permanently injured, or killed. I was lucky enough to have a vampire boyfriend that came to my rescue. Unfortunately, it also happened to be a vampire that committed that disgusting, degrading act against my body, which meant that the internal damage was far worse than any mortal could have caused. Renee had broke into tears, when the doctor told me that I was now unable to have children. Edward had just hung his head in shame, and covered his face with his hand. But I noticed how his shoulders shook with his silent, dry sobs.
Being barren didn't bother me too much, since the only man whose children I would ever want to bear was incapable of reproducing. It just hurt to know that even if by some impossible way I could ever have a child, now the ability wasn't even there. I had too much scar tissue on the inside, the doctor had said, and there was too much that had been torn and broken. The pamphlet had said over half of rape victims end up barren, though. The internal damage was just too much.
Edward would have destroyed it if he saw it, not wanting to remind me of the tragedy he thought would shatter me into pieces.
I wasn't going to shatter. I was in absolutely no way okay, but I would not break down again like I had in Edwards arms when I had first regained consciousness. I didn't want him seeing me so weak. He had shown nothing but love and adoration this whole time, but I didn't want to risk it. I couldn't lose him.
I hadn't felt the urge to cry since my break down, though. The doctors say I'm in shock, but I know what's really going on.
I've lost almost all feeling in me. I've become numb. So numb, that when my mother kissed me and wept for the loss of my could have been children, I had just sat there. Unfeeling.
I've become like a robot. And I loathed James for that.
The one exception to my numbness was the beautiful, perfect creature sitting mere feet from me.
He took my silence as concentration while I ate, and waited until I put the fork down to speak.
He dug through the burgundy back pack hopefully, pulling out a few books. "I bought some books for you. I figured they might help pass the time."
At least I felt a little bit of excitement over the fact that there was a copy of Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, and some Shakespeare novels. But when his words registered, my lips turned down once more. "Edward, you know I don't like it when you spend -"
"Hush, love." He interrupted. "I will do anything and everything to make this stay a little more bearable for you, do you understand?" His words were firm, but his tone was soft. I nodded. "Good." And with that, he moved to lay beside me on the bed, cradling my body to his. I sighed contentedly, resting my head against his solid chest as his fingers ran through my hair.
I learned that if I kept my eyes open, I didn't freak out.
So I kept my eyes open, and we laid like that in a comfortable silence until Edward stiffed, and gently untangled his limbs from mine. "What?" I asked.
"Your father." He responded, moving to the chair he should have been occupying.
Charlie entered a moment later, his curly brown hair more messy and untidy than usual. He had purple circles under his eyes that could compete with Edward's, and he looked a bit thinner.
"Hey, Dad." I greeted awkwardly. I hated the fact that he knew what had happened to me.
We had told Charlie that on my way to my mother's house, I'd taken a short cut through a dark alley, and a stranger had intercepted me and forced himself on me. It was partially truthful. But it was mortifying that Charlie know I'd been... I still couldn't say the word.
"Hey, kiddo." He replied, walking to me and kissing my forehead, making me feel even more ill at ease. Charlie and I had never been big on showing affection for each other. Glancing at Edward, he mumbled hello. Charlie looked at him pointedly, as if Edward should have realized something by now.
Edward, who obviously knew what Charlie wanted since he could hear his thoughts, looked at me with a pained expression, and I understood. Charlie wanted him to leave. And he didn't want to leave my side.
I reached out, placing my hand upon his own. "It's fine, Edward. You've been by my side for almost a week straight. Go home. See your family." My eyes glinted, and I carefully chose my next word so that Charlie wouldn't think twice, but Edward would understand. "Eat."
His eyes were pitch black, and the bruises under his eyes were beginning to look frightening. He held my gaze for a few moments, before sighing in defeat. He nodded reluctantly, and leaned towards me, pressing his lips gently against my forehead as Charlie had done only moments before, but this was much better. This held so much emotion, so much love... And when he pulled back, his eyes held that same emotion. Pure, unconditional love. He squeezed my hand gently, before kissing my knuckles.
"I'll be back as soon as I can. Call me when you want me to return love, promise?" He whispered in adoration, eyes begging me to agree. I nodded, and gave him a weak, watery smile.
Pain glinted in his onyx eyes once more, as he nodded in farewell to Charlie, exiting the room, leaving me alone to chat with my father.
Charlie shifted uncomfortably, taking a seat in the chair Edward had preoccupied only moments before. "So, Bella...How...How are you doing?"'
I sighed. "Charlie, I know this is hard for you. I know you don't know what to say, because I don't know what to say to myself."
My father's forehead crinkled in concern. "Kid, we'll get through this..."
"I know, Charlie." My head turned, staring out the window into the bright stars beyond, missing my Edward, my sweet distraction, already. "I know."
My chest ached, quite literally, as my feet blindly carried me outside. I moved quickly to the shelter of a tree, and flitted through the forest faster than any mortal eye could comprehend.
I hated the fact that I left her.
I wanted to be there for her, every single moment she needed me. And I knew, that even though her father was there, she did, indeed, need me. But alas, she had asked me to leave, and I would do so upon her request.
I was amazed at myself for having not fed, and still leaving Bella alive. The hungrier I was, the more difficult it was to be around her, with her blood singing such a beautiful tune. But after seeing her, crushed as she was, my entire being was terrified of hurting her anymore that she already had been.
My sensitive sense of smell picked up on a pack of deer a mere half a mile away, and I moved quickly, body quivering in anticipation. I was on the leader before any of them knew what was happening. Snapping the innocent creatures neck to prevent it the pain, I drained it dry within a matter of seconds. It was no where near as succulent as human blood, and nothing would ever compare to the glorious taste of Bella's rich life fluid. Tainted as it had been, it was still the most magnificent thing to ever contact my taste buds.
I pounced on the nearest fleeing deer, repeating my actions, and then continuing my predation on two more deer until I felt satisfied. Normally, it wouldn't take this much to sustain me, but it has been almost two weeks since I've fed, and I've been around Bella frequently.
My chest clenched once more as I thought of my love. But I tried my damnedest to distract myself with other thoughts, lest I run back to the hospital and disregard her orders. I headed quickly back to the house, it was time for a change of clothes anyhow.
I arrived, stealthily going into my bedroom and slipping out of my clothes. I grabbed a change, and entered the bathroom, turning on the shower. I made the temperature at hot as I could stand, and stood under the pounding stream of water. The pressure did nothing to help my tense body, but the warmth itself did help. After a few long minutes, my tension slowly seeped out, and I just simply stood there for a few moments.
I rested my palm against the heated, slick marble and pressed my forehead against my inner elbow and I felt the water droplets cascading down my spine. I could feel every single one.
When I felt the water turn lukewarm, I squeezed unscented shampoo into my hands, lathering up my hair and repeating my actions, but with conditioner. After cleaning the rest of my body with mutually unscented body wash and a loofah, I rinsed the soap off, and reached over to turn the faucet. The stream of water ceased, and I opened the glass door to the ostentatious shower, stepping out into the steam.
I snatched a fluffy, white towel off it's hanger, wrapping it loosely around my hips and going to the mirror. My cool hands easily wiped the steam off of the mirror, and I stared directly into my own reflection.
Though my eyes were now a warm topaz once again, the dark bruise underneath them remained. And something inside of myself told me they would not be disappearing anytime soon.
While staring at myself, along with the dull buzz of my family's that I tuned out, berating thoughts entered my mind. I had let him get her. I hadn't moved fast enough, I could have stopped him...
I shouldn't have left her side.
I should have gone with her instead of Jasper.
I should have just left her alone. Maybe if I had just never been in her life, or if we hadn't fallen in love, she wouldn't be an upset, terrified shell right now...
Maybe then she wouldn't be so broken.
I turned, disgusted by my own reflection, and exited the wash room, going down the hall to my bedroom and digging through my dressers. I slipped on a pair of loose fitting black denim pants, and a comfortable grey long sleeved shirt. I glanced in the mirror on my way out, shaking my head a bit to rid my hair of the dampness still clinging to it.
On my way down the steps, I heard someone call out softly from the main room.
If it was anyone else, I would have ignored it.
"Yes, Alice?" I asked in an emotionless voice, changing my path from the door to the main room. I saw Alice sitting on the couch, staring with wide eyes at me.
"You're home... We haven't seen you all week." She simply stated.
"I know. I've been-"
"We know where you've been, Edward. And we have no objections, but I think you could use me right now. You have to be dying of frustration. I've been keeping an eye on her too, you know." She murmured quietly, as if she thought I'd be angry about that.
"That's quite nice of you, Alice." I answered, sitting on the couch beside her but leaving comfortable space there.
"I know you're not much of a talker Edward, but...Everyone else has gone out to hunt. It's just me here. I know how Bella hasn't been eating and how..." Alice seemed unable to find the right word. "Hollow she's been. And I know you can't be alright with that."
"Of course not." I responded, pinching the bridge of my nose. I seemed to be doing that quite often lately. She was right. Normally, I wasn't a very talkative, let's talk about my emotions type of guy. But Bella had done a number on me since the day we met, and I found myself needing to speak with someone, and Alice was probably the best person. "But really, what can I do? Nothing I'm doing is working, Alice...I don't know how to act. I wish...I wish I could just hear her thoughts..."
"Maybe...Maybe we should have Rose talk to her?"
I growled, eyes flashing to my sister. As if that would turn out pleasant. "No."
Alice held up her hands in surrender. "Just an idea."
After that, a tense silence surrounded us for a few seconds, before I finally released the dam that was holding myself back from hearing others' thoughts. Everyone else was quite far away so I couldn't hear them, but Alice...
Alice was deeply confused.
'Should I tell him? Is it selfish of me to want to help, and to share this information with him? I need to tell someone other than Jasper...But Edward's going through so much right now, and I don't know how he'll react...'
I sighed. "Alice, tell me what's on your mind."
She looked pensive for a moment, before giving in. "I watched that tape."
My unnecessary breath caught, and my eyes closed. "And..."
"And...I found out a little about myself. My name was Mary Alice Brandon, and the reason I don't remember anything was because for the last years of my life, I was in a mental institution."
My eyes widened in horror. "No."
She nodded solemnly. "Yes. I had a sister, she was younger than me. I had a mother and a father as well, but they put me in there...And I don't know why." She stared at the table, oddly quiet.
"Alice..." I didn't quite know what to say to that. "I'm so sorry..."
She shrugged. "At least now I know."
My throat muscles tensed up, and I was slightly afraid to speak the words that wanted to spill from my lips, but I knew I must. "How was...the rest of the tape?"
Alice winced, and she looked at me. "Brutal."
A fleeting thought ran through my head, and Alice's expression became horrified. "Oh Edward, no! Don't watch it! That will only be-"
I cut her off, though from the look of defeat now passing her features she knew it was futile. "Alice, I have to. She won't tell me exactly, what happened, what he...What he did to her. And she never will...I need to know." My tone was firm, and Alice sighed defeatedly.
"This won't end well for you. You're going to hurt yourself, you know."
I squared my shoulders. "I figured as much. But I have to know, Alice."
She hesitated only for one moment, before sighing in resign once more, and reaching in her back pocket to pull out a small tape, placing it in my hand.
Authors Note;; I was debating on whether to end it there or not, ow show Edward watching the tape. But that awaits you for the next chapter! I needed to give you guys an update on fanfiction dot net, it's been forever. Hope you enjoyed!
The fangirl within took over while Edward was in the shower, sorry! xD
Please review! I think the reason I haven't focused on this story as much was that it didn't get as much of a positive and loving response as some of my others.
To be continued!