Warnings: Angst like WHOA, slight violence, Kanda's usual foul language, possible OOCness (blame the Fourteenth and his fucked up influence on the characters), Allen going emo, some serious, angsty Yullen talk and... omg, fluff that will make you get cavities, wtf. D:


~Gone Forever~
Chapter 24: Trust me


The Fourteenth inhaled, trying to ignore the goose bumps that appeared on his skin. The bathroom floor that he was pressed up against was cold, and the thin white shirt he was wearing – which Allen always wore – wasn't really helping much.

The unpleasant sting in his shoulder intensified as Kanda forcefully moved his limb, but he wasn't about to show too many signs of his physical discomfort. The cards have been played, the game was on, and there was no room for mistakes anymore.

Or was there?

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Nea smirked at the man above him, that cocky aura returning to his features as easily as it had disappeared a mere moment ago. "I think I gave you enough hints."

"I'm fucking sick of you." Kanda hissed, pissed beyond all reason by now. "If this is going nowhere, then fuck you– I'm ending this here and now."

The Noah observed as the Japanese reached for one of the mirror's pieces which lay right next to them. He knew very well what the dark-haired was about to do with it, so – as if out of defeat – he dropped his head to the floor effortlessly and sighed, closing his eyes in the process.

"People are so easy to manipulate." The Noah said it more to himself, but the remark was loud enough for the Japanese to hear.

The next moment, Kanda was clenching the brat's throat with his other hand. And the gesture – much to the Japanese's satisfaction – apparently wasn't expected and had caught the Fourteenth very much off-guard.

"And apparently your understanding of 'not to piss me off' is still lacking."

Eyes wide, Nea tried to catch his breath, digging his fingers in Kanda's arm in a fit of panic.

"...What if– pissing you off... was precisely– my goal?" The Fourteenth managed to ask, his voice strained. And then, with a smirk, he added: "...Kanda dear."

The dark-haired gritted his teeth, trying his best not to snap and end up doing something drastic. "Stop with this shit–"

"...Common enemies– force you to work together."

The taller man raised an eyebrow to that, ready to laugh in the Noah's face. "Che. Now just go ahead and tell me that you've been playing the bad guy all along." The sentence edged with sarcasm. "Don't make me fucking laugh."

"Believe what you want, Kanda– but the fact is, that you realized how much Allen actually means to you... precisely because of me."


Allen was torn. He didn't know if he wanted to push Kanda away or return the kiss that was being offered to him as if it were the only thing he was waiting for in his entire life.

He was still confused. He had no idea what was going on through the dark-haired's head, he had no idea what he was standing on, and he had no idea where he fit in all of this with the Fourteenth on top. For all he knew–

"Mm..." A purr escaped the younger boy when Kanda suddenly pressed on, making his train of thought stop dead in its tracks. The moment the man's tongue brushed against his own, thousands of butterflies burst and swarmed inside of Allen's stomach for a split moment, but it was more than enough to take his breath away.

Though the boy didn't get it. This wasn't anything new – shouldn't have been anything new to him. They've kissed a couple of times before, so... why? Why was he feeling this nervous all of a sudden? Why did he feel so out of it, so caught off-guard, not knowing what to actually do?

The white-haired Exorcist closed his eyes and clenched a fist shakily in the older man's shirt as he started to answer the gesture, though still a bit unsure. And the swarm of feelings only intensified.

Why did it feel so raw and so overwhelming, as if it were his first kiss ever?

Was it tied to the fact that he had some real feelings for the Japanese now, unlike during those few times it had happened earlier? Or was it because of the fact that Kanda was actually the one to kiss him of his own free will this time?

Now that Allen thought about it, he was always the one who had started it. Be it their first time, be it their confusing encounter in the Japanese's room, be it that one time he got drunk... It was always a one-sided thing; it was never something mutual.

It had never... meant anything.

This... This wasn't just another meaningless kiss this time, was it?

"...You taste sweet."

"Huh...?" The white-haired blinked, trying to comprehend what was happening all of a sudden. He got so lost in his thoughts and in the feeling of it all that he didn't even notice when the older man pulled away from him.

"From the fucking chocolate."

As the meaning of the words sank in, Allen just stared at the other, slightly dumbfounded, wondering if he should... laugh or cry.

Honestly, if there was ever a contest in the ability to ruin the mood, Kanda would definitely score first place, no doubt about that.

"...Blame Lenalee." The boy couldn't help but remark in a playful tone, praying that his face wasn't as read as it felt hot.

Well, he had to at least give the man credit for it being a good tension breaker. Because, honestly...

It was a matter of seconds before the weight of the situation fell upon him again, though, making him sadden almost immediately.

"...Why did you do that?" The younger Exorcist asked, his voice soft.

"What?"

Allen's gaze dropped back to the floor. "Why did you... kiss me?"

Kanda stilled for a blink of an eye. "Why did you let me kiss you?"

"...I asked you first."

For a longer while, silence fell upon the room. But then"Because I wanted to."

Allen's mind halted as he wondered what he was supposed to make of the other's answer.

Well, it could have meant a lot of things. And no matter how much the boy wanted to believe otherwise, he couldn't get rid himself of the feeling that he knew what could be the real meaning behind Kanda's words and actions.

Because... That kiss couldn't have had anything to do with Kanda actually... liking him, could it? There was no way the Japanese saw him... that way...

In his eyes, this could have meant only one thing.

"...Do you want me to repay you like this? For your blood?" Allen asked softly, not even daring to look at the other man. This was no big deal – that's what he kept telling himself. Even though it did make him nervous. "...With sex, I mean."

To the white-haired's surprise, Kanda growled at that. "No, you idiot." And he sounded really pissed, to boot. "God, you're so dense sometimes."

"Excuse me?" The younger male frowned, suddenly irritated from the remark as well. "Well, hey, then explain this to me. Because I'm seriously confused now. Ever since you..."

Whatever the boy intended to say further, all of it died in his throat the moment the Japanese leaned closer in his direction again.

Seriously, just what was Kanda–

"...You're in love with me, aren't you?"

Allen swore that time had gone still, because– he suddenly forgot how to breathe. Unable to find his voice, he kept on staring at Kanda with wide eyes, aware of only one thing: his heart threatened to burst out of his chest and leave him to die.

All of a sudden as if to the young Exorcist's rescue an unexpected cough reached both of the boy's ears.

"You two." The white-haired looked around in panic, only to notice... his Master standing right there behind him. "I don't intend to interrupt, but walls have ears, and you kind of do have a room upstairs."

Allen blinked at Cross, hoping that he didn't look as terrified and out of it as he felt being.

It was Kanda that reacted first, however, standing up in a fit of anger. "Fuck this shit"

Before Walker knew it, he was being caught by the hand and yanked to the side forcefully, shortly realizing that the Japanese guided him in the direction of the staircase. "K-Kanda?"

Marian only watched them go.

"General..." It was Komui that appeared beside him all of a sudden.

"Leave them be." The red-head exclaimed before starting to head in the opposite direction. "I'll talk to them in the morning."


If Kanda were to look back on everything that happened during the past month, from the point on all of this had started to begin with, he'd say Walker was an idiot.

On further thought, he'd conclude both of them were idiots.

It had started with... Allen's stupidity. Or was it his own? He was the one who wanted to become stronger, ignoring all principles and throwing himself into an experiment that was bound to go wrong. He was the one who didn't care about the danger it involved, the one who had wanted to force his Innocence to evolve, even though he very well knew from bloody experience that the godly substance was not to be toyed around with.

But unlike all the other times it had happened, almost – almost – bringing him to his death bed, this time the outcome was different. It made Kanda lose himself, deeming him totally unaware of his actions, even though his body was far from unconscious.

Later on did he learn that in order to get him out of that state, Allen let himself be literally fuckedby him. The sole information made him furious. Furious up to the point that he damned it all to hell and burst into Walker's room without thinking, intending to strangle the brat for his stupidity.

But when all the negative feelings faded and he could look at it all from a more fresh point of view, he understood that Walker didn't know that Kanda wouldn't be able to die because of something like that. Or better yet – that he wouldn't be able to die at all. It wasn't like he explained how his healing abilities actually worked and what kind of price they went along with to anyone inside the Order – save for Komui, but that was a whole different issue. It wasn't something he was particularly proud of.

He should have been grateful for Allen's sacrifice, he knew that. But somehow, he simply couldn't get along with the thought. And every time he thought about the brat's careless actions, it made his blood boil.

It might have started with Walker's stupidity, but it was followed by his own.

Kanda knew that Allen was an idiot when it came to a lot of things, but he simply couldn't understand how one could volunteer to go through something like that for someone that's been so rude towards him ever since they've met. Comrade or not, it was too much. It made no fucking sense.

But for whatever reason, Kanda felt bad about it, and he wanted to make it up to the boy somehow.

That's when his stupidity came in.

...Or was it curiosity?

He had told Walker not to let things get to his head; he had told him that it meant nothing as he let them engulf in this forbidden passion a second time. How stupid was he not to realize that Allen wasn't as apathetic as he himself was to be able not to give a damn and control it. The kid was too young and too inexperienced for those things to not affect him and get emotionally attached.

He could see it in the brat's behavior, even though the other tried his best not to show any signs of change.

But what pissed the Japanese off even more was the fact that Walker's behavior had affected Kanda to some extent as well.

Thus – before things even got the chance to get any worse – he started ignoring him as means of defense. He hoped that if he kept showing Walker a cold shoulder, the boy would grow distant and – at some point – get over it.

Kanda hoped that they could simply forget that anything happened. As Exorcists in the middle of a war, there was no room for unnecessary attachments that would make their lives only more complicated.

Then they had to leave the Order's walls because of an apparent unexpected enemy attack, but Walker was nowhere to be found. Kanda had no idea what drove him into looking for the brat, but he simply wasn't able to turn a blind eye and ignore it. And once he found Allen inside the bathroom – emotionally torn – his chest tightened in a very unpleasant way. He wasn't supposed to give a damn.

And yet, he did.

What irritated Kanda the most, however, wasn't the sole fact of Walker's sudden disappearance thereafter, no – it was the fit of anger that the disappearance had caused. The Japanese had no idea why, but he felt both pissed and– disappointed– that Allen left on his own without so much as a word of explanation.

Komui ordered for the Exorcists to find Allen, and the dark-haired kept telling himself that it was just another mission which he needed to fulfill.

In reality, he used it as a perfect excuse for his want to find Walker more than anything else.

His disappointment and longing pissed the living shit out of him – it was a weakness that was never supposed to exist; was never supposed to invade his system to begin with.

He was forced to deal with his fucked up feelings for over two bloody weeks.

And then, once he finally managed to find the brat, all of his pent up frustration went loose. He turned it into anger, because he had no idea how to deal with it or how to control it otherwise.

He wanted to drag Walker back to the Order simply because he wanted to keep him on a fucking leash, tied to the duties and promises he himself loathed ever since he could remember. He wanted to keep Allen there so that he wouldn't run away without a word anymore.

It was after they have beaten the living shit out of themselves, the pent up frustration finally lessened, and he could get a hold of himself again, that Kanda realized... how much of a coward he actually was. He couldn't believe how untrue in reality he's been to himself all along.

Allen had thought that he's manipulated Kanda into staying with him with a sad excuse of fulfilling a requirement for his mission.

How was Kanda supposed to tell him that he has wanted to ditch the Order ever since he could remember, only that he was too scared – yes, scared– to do it on his own? How was he supposed to tell him that he's been looking for someone like Allen ever since...

...ever since he had killed Alma.

Things have gotten complicated after the Fourteenth appeared in the picture, but... It wasn't like Kanda didn't have his flaws. They were both fucked up in more ways then one, and in reality – no matter how much the Japanese wouldn't want to admit it – very similar in a lot of ways.

It only made Kanda want to protect Allen more.

And the biggest irony of it all? The fact that – yes, the Fourteenth was right and he knew it – Kanda managed to realize how much Allen had actually meant to him... precisely because of that fucked up asshole.


The Japanese finally stopped in his tracks the moment he entered their shared room, making the boy he dragged along with halt as well. Allen only stared at the man's back in silence, before he realized that the other still didn't let go of his hand yet.

"Kanda..."

"Aren't you?"

The dark-haired repeated the end of the question that he got himself to ask downstairs, cutting off whatever it was that Allen wanted to say. And still not letting go of the boy's hand, he turned around, only to look Walker straight in the eyes.

The younger Exorcist struggled with himself to stay calm and not look away, but the piercing gaze of the Japanese was too disconcerting, and soon, the white-haired found his vision glued elsewhere, his heartbeat fastening yet again.

What was he supposed to say? He couldn't just go all 'yes, I'm in love with you, are you happy?' because that would be the stupidest thing he could do. Kanda would never...

Then again, if the older male asked him such a thing to begin with... he must have noticed or suspected something. He couldn't just... keep on denying it anymore.

"You're using too strong of a word... Kanda." Allen gave the best answer he could think of, his voice soft and uncertain.

"A crush, then." The Japanese concluded almost immediately.

"You seem to be knowledgeable about the difference." The white-haired remarked in a surprisingly angered voice, throwing the older male an irritated look. But then, his gaze swayed to the side again, the uncertainty returning. "Sorry, just..." Allen continued with a tint of sadness. "I know you told me not to get involved. This... doesn't have to change anything. It's something I have to deal with on my own."

Silence fell upon the room after the boy's confession, and the younger Exorcist could swear the air has gotten heavier than ever.

...Maybe he had said too much, after all.

Instinctively, he tried pulling his hand away– only for Kanda's grip to tighten an hinder him from doing so.

"...I'm partly at fault here." The Japanese finally spoke. "So I can't just... tell you to get lost."

The white-haired lifted his gaze, uncertain. "...But you'd like to."

"No." Kanda denied, and now it was his turn to look away. "I... I don't mind." He exclaimed, before squeezing the boy's hand a bit tighter, as if to amplify what he was about to say. "I don't mind us being... like this."

Allen couldn't help but blink in shock, wondering if he went totally insane and was starting to imagine things. But Kanda's hold on his hand was solid and firm and–

Allen's enthusiasm faded as fast as it had appeared.

"Then... explain this to me." The boy frowned. "...Why did you sleep with the Fourteenth?"

He still didn't get an answer to this, and– He had the right to know. He needed to know. And now was probably the most appropriate time to ask.

When Kanda released his hand a took a few steps further into the room, Allen got only assured of the fact that this indeed wouldn't be an easy issue to get past through.

"This might sound weird." The Japanese started, taking a seat on one of the room's beds. "But I wanted to teach him a lesson." He paused, as if getting his thoughts together. "I did... something horrible to him. Twice now. It's just that... I snap sometimes. You already know this, since Kamelot was the one who told you – that asshole is able to read other's minds. That's why it's so easy for him to get under my skin."

Allen listened in silence as he moved from the spot he was standing from as well, soon joining the other male on the bed, deciding to sit a bit further away.

"I snap to the point I forget that it's your body I'm dealing with sometimes." The Japanese continued, his voice becoming more and more uncertain by each passing word. "If you ever figure out what actually happened during those times..." He trailed off, suddenly looking the boy in the eyes. "I don't want you to get scared of me."

The white-haired stared at him, seeming perfectly calm, considering the information he's just received. "Then tell me." Allen exclaimed softly. "Tell me what happened. ...I want to hear it from you."

A sigh left the dark-haired's lips, his frown deepening. "When he was interested in sleeping with me so much... and he was so damn persistent about it, I figured I'd show him what he's asking for. I was... so violent and forceful up to the point till he begged me to stop."

For a moment Allen stayed silent, as if taking in what Kanda had said. "I figured you had a violent encounter, considering I could hardly move in the morning." He concluded, still surprisingly calm. "And I assume I'm alright now because you... healed me in the bathroom again." He continued, a bit less certain.

He had wondered about it ever since he woke up. Kanda had healed his stigmatas again, and thus, his throat didn't hurt anymore, nor did any other part of his body. If a mirror had crashed down on them, then surely he'd have cuts or something – and yet, there was nothing. Even Kanda had a cut on his face–

Which was gone by now, too. Right.

"...Was the mirror a lie?"

"...No." The Japanese denied. "We both got pretty messed up in there. That asshole held it for granted that I won't hurt you, so he kept on provoking me on purpose... And..." Kanda sighed deeply again. He could leave the details out of it, really. "I almost drowned him." There was a note of regret in his voice. "… I almost drowned you, Walker."

Allen looked the older male in the eyes, their gazes meeting, and– Truth to be told, the boy wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to that. "...But it's the Fourteenth you wanted dead, not me, right?"

"Which doesn't change the fact that I almost killed you–"

"You saved my life, too, you know." The snow-haired boy interrupted the other immediately. "And if you really plan on helping me, like you said... Not that I'm okay with it, still." He added in a quieter voice. "Then you really have no right to feel guilty about it, BaKanda."

The insult apparently didn't go ignored, and despite the heavy topic, their serious mood turned a one hundred and eighty degree in a single second. "Che. Stupid Moyashi."

"It's Allen, you dimwit." The boy sticked his tongue out at the other.

"Mo-ya-shi." Kanda deadpanned.

"Prick."

"Old man."

"Flat-chested girl."

"Try saying that to me when we're in bed."

"Wh–"

Before Allen even got himself to ask, he was being pulled and shoved, falling straight on top of the bed's mattress.

Caught off-guard, his body alert, he tried pulling himself back up immediately on his elbows and hands, but Kanda beat him to it. Before the white-haired boy knew it, the older man was hovering above him, making him freak out all the more.

"Hey–I didn't give you permission to–"

"Shut up."

"Kan– mphm–!"

Any further protests were sealed off. And even though Allen was set on fighting back, the moment Kanda's lips had landed on his own, his mind swayed and his body went weak. The other man's tongue demanded entrance almost immediately, and the boy couldn't help but give in, the feeling once again taking his senses for a heated ride.

While parting his lips, a muffled yelp escaped him as Allen could suddenly feel Kanda's body weight press against him, making him sink into the mattress even more. All he could do was flail – but even that went lost and forgotten very shortly.

The feeling of the Japanese's tongue – firm and demanding – brushing against his own sent consecutive chills down his spine; it was making his stomach swirl. He had no idea what drove Kanda to do this, but if it went on, Allen was positive he would loose himself in the moment and damn all reason to hell.

The older male had suddenly pulled away, however, and the boy found himself totally out of breath, cheeks flushed, and his heart was racing as if he were about to die any minute now.

"...And you say you're not in love with me."

The words made the boy come back to reality, and suddenly, all the feelings that were starting to harbor... turned into sheer anger. Allen was certain that the Japanese could feel how his heart hammered in his chest because he held his hand on top of it, and... Was causing such a reaction his intention all along?

Did Kanda want some proof of his feelings? So that he could rub it in his face? So that he could– Was he trying to toy with him now?

"Get off." Allen hissed through gritted teeth, suddenly all defensive as he tried yanking the other's hand away.

The dark-haired man frowned, apparently not expecting such a reaction. "Calm down." He ordered, starting to struggle with the boy himself. "I didn't say it was anything bad."

"Get off–!" The younger Exorcist demanded, getting even more violent, trying to push the other down from himself, when– Kanda started to kiss him yet again.

Already out of breath, the boy began to trash about and try to get away from the contact in a desperate attempt. But his already shaking hands were no match for Kanda's strong grip, and all he ended up with was getting pinned against the bed as the other kept on invading his personal space.

...It made his chest tighten in an unpleasant, foul way, suddenly making it hard to breathe.

He had no idea which it was – his trembling lips or his sudden lack of resistance – but it made Kanda stop and pull away. And this time, uncertainty was present in the Japanese's eyes – though Allen observed it for a split second before his gaze traveled elsewhere.

He not dared looking the man in the eyes anymore.

"Why... What are you trying to pull?"

So what if his voice was cracking? So what if his vision was starting to get blurry?

"I hate you... I hate you for doing this to me– And you're so– so..."

So what if he was shaking all over by now? He couldn't control his pent up emotions anymore–

"Do you have any idea... how much this... hurts..."

If Allen were to look at Kanda's face in that moment, he'd witness an expression torn by a mixture of irritation and regret. "...You idiot."

Next thing the snow-haired boy knew, the weight that was pressed against him this whole time lessened, and he was suddenly being pulled up by his sides. Shortly after he found himself sitting, partly in the Japanese's lap, held in a tight embrace.

He wasn't really in the state to argue or fight back, so he just fisted his shaking hands in the older man's back and buried his face in the other's shoulder, trying to get a hold of his trembling body and the sobs that were already escaping him despite his will.

"Calm down." Kanda spoke in a surprisingly soft tone. "It's okay."

"Nothing's– okay." The white-haired choked out. "I don't want to become a nuisance to you... And–"

"Will you shut up with that already?" The Japanese asked with a tint of irritation this time.

Save for the occasional sobs, Allen fell silent at the question – or more like at the demand.

And shortly, Kanda let out a deep sigh.

"You're so convinced that I have no feelings for you." He stated, sounding pissed. "I wouldn't kiss you out of nowhere, you goddamn idiot. And I wouldn't decide to sacrifice my lifespan for you if you hadn't meant anything to me."

"Your... lifespan?" The boy asked, a bit out of it. "Wait, this is actually shortening your life?"

Oh, what the hell, hadn't he mentioned it before?

Don't tell me he didn't catch this before... And– What the fuck, that wasn't the most important part of what he had just said!

"Start complaining on how 'I can't do it' and I'm going to punch you." The older man threatened. "Healing a scratch or two from time to time won't affect me that much, Walker."

"But–"

"If you're too much of an idiot to accept it freely, then fine – pay me back for it." Kanda growled, fed up with this shit by now. If there was really no easier way– "If I told you I wanted sex from you in return, then you'd accept it?"

The Japanese could feel how Allen tensed at the question, though such a reaction wasn't really what he wanted to stir up. Suddenly, he regretted to have asked such a thing to begin with, even though– the kid was the one who had come up with it in the first place.

"Listen..." Kanda sighed, set on changing the topic. "Back inside the bathroom, you asked if you could trust me."

"...But I meant it in regards to the Fourteenth." The boy's voice sounded sad and uncertain.

"Then trust me." The older Exorcist went on. "I want you to trust me."

Further lack of reaction from Allen made the dark-haired pull away and press his forehead against the younger boy's, a hand traveling up to his cheek.

"Walker." He called, wanting to get the other's attention.

Their breath mixed together in the stillness of the room.

"...Okay." The younger of the two whispered, finally giving an answer. "...Okay." And with that, a slight smile appeared on his face. "...I'm going to trust you, Kanda."

In return, Allen lifted his own hand and placed it on the dark-haired's cheek before pressing his lips against the other's himself this time.


Nayru's Note: Dear Lord, my fucked up Yullen couple is FINALLY getting together– *tears of joy*

Other than that, I suck. I seriously suck. I've been bringing myself to write THIS ONE lemon since three chapters back– AND I STILL FAILED TO DO IT.

FUCK YOU, PLOT DEVELOPEMENT, FUCK YOU.

Okay, I know plot is good and it's what makes this story going, but... RAWR!

NEXT CHAPTER – IT'S GRANTED. YESSS– *is shot*

I'm brining you this chapter in such a form mainly because of the fact that it's my last day of holidays (and I'm already out of time), and I promised myself that I would update it, because even I don't know when will be the next time I'll be able to write. So, consider it as a kind of bonus, because it could have not gotten here to begin with. Nevertheless, I hope you'll enjoy it for what it is.

And yes, I decided not to include the conclusion of the bathroom scene yet, because I came up with a more exciting way of doing it at a later time. Besides– yeah, you already should have a slight idea of what happened in there from Kanda's explanation.

Thank you for all the encouraging reviews, as always, guys! And see you (hopefully) soon~ :D