Disclaimer: I do not own the Legend of Zelda, Nintendo, or any of these characters.
Author's Note: Link complains about the things about the series that make him mad, coming from the actual monsterslayer himself. Okay, I hope you think this is funny, I'M NOT BASHING THE SERIES! I just think that this is stuff that annoys Link. Enjoy.
By Kurai Hitokiri
Finally after years of monster slaying I get my say in all this crap that Nintendo has me doing. Shall I list my complaints, I, Link of Hyrule actually COMPLAINING?! Wow, it must come across as a surprise to all you people that play the games. Well here's my little rant, and if you don't want to listen to it, why the heck did you click on the link to this page?
Okay, first off I'm going to discuss the thing that ticks me off the most: Fairies. I mean, come on, I know that they're helpful and all with finding weaknesses, but do I really need the annoying little squeaky voices following me? It's like, when I'm fighting a bloodthirsty Stalfos Navi just randomly says "LISTEN!" or "HEY!!" in that shrill, annoying voice of hers. The next thing I know I'm facedown on the ground with a frickin' sword stickin' out of my back and GAME OVER flashing across the screen! All she does is tell me how much of an idiot I am as I push blocks of cement larger than her oversized head. You know, sometimes I just want to cork her in a bottle and cast a soundproof charm on it. Or stick some hot glue on her lips and shut her little fairy mouth. I mean, COME ON! Who wants a little glowing ball of light circling around your head telling you how much of an idiot you are or screaming LOOK and LISTEN! into your ear?! NO ONE! So why do I have to suffer?!
Next thing that annoys me: keys. Why is it hat every single frickin' time I want to open a locked door I have to find a key to go with it? Can't I have like, some universal key that goes into every door and then just stays through me without disappearing throughout the remainder of the dungeon. You already have me diving through hoops of fire and swimming in acidity lakes of doom, can't you just humor me by letting me keep a single key?! I swear, the other day I needed to frickin' change into a Zora, dive under a sheet of ice, dodge ice arrows, fight off rabid keese, and all I'm rewarded with is a measly KEY! Please keep that in mind!
And why is the game called the Legend of ZELDA?! All she does is get kidnapped half the time and you name the GAME after her?! I feel ripped off! Is it not ME that does all the rescuing? Is it not ME who got transformed into a damned Deku Scrub because a guy took an Ocarina from the boneheaded Princess?! Who has given Nintendo a name these past few years?! Besides the Italian fat plumber with a mustache… who? ME!! Come on, just name it the Legend of Link or something. Give me some credit, I've let you push me around for a decade or so!
Townspeople. I HATE townspeople, no wonder you guys made me as an orphan raised by frickin' kids! All I want is a little info, something a little less vague than "Go to the place by the grave in the fifth row," or "the waterfall will spill into two tears when the moon is full." Couldn't you give them a brighter dialogue or just let me be able to at least stick a sword in their guts for their retardedness? I'm tired of throwing bombs at women or men that look like idiots and not getting a reaction. PLEASE make the dialogue… better.
And another thing: why am I silent? Come on, you can give me a brighter voice than "Hyaaa!" and "Hayeee!" can't you?! If you don't fanboys or someone will give me some high pitched girly voice instead of the deep, manly, attractive voice that I deserve. Otherwise it just sounds like I'm constipated or going to the bathroom. And when I sneeze I look like I barf. Couldn't you just splurge on a decent voice actor for me? I'm BEGGING you, now. I will go on strike... or something to boycott your cruelty to my voice if it is not done.
Another beef I have with you Nintendo people is this: WHY CAN'T I KEEP MY SWORD? In Wind Waker I had the Master Sword. Why couldn't I keep it in Phantom Hourglass? Why is it that you give my a crappy little dagger and you call it a sword? Come on! I can cut bread and butter it with that sad excuse for a Kokiri 'sword.' Can't you just give me a bunch of swords like the Giant's Knife? Or maybe you should go modern and give me some guns. I don't know, but quit taking away my awesome swords! I don't want to start each game with a frickin' slingshot and butter knife as my only weapons. That's just child abuse, you sick, cruel people.
Why do I wear a skirt that you people try to call a tunic? I've been mocked constantly for this, and you STILL haven't gotten the hint. Give me an awesome leather Gi, or a Samurai outfit. And you have me wearing TIGHTS! How manly is that? Yeah, I can see I'm just the manliest man, wearing a skirt, tights and earrings. Nope, no one will ever mistake me for a woman… It's impossible… If you just took me seriously in those last few sentences then go and die. Come up with a better look or else I will come out of the game and STALK you! I swear I will find some way to get my revenge. Of course you don't care, because YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR IT! BUT I DO AND I NEED TO MAINTAIN SOME DIGNITY!
Can't I ever end up with the girl? I mean come on, you make up all these girls and I don't get any happy ending? Zelda and I have been around forever and we've never been together. Come on, can't you see the chemistry between us? Oh forget it… the main point is, just give me a girl and let people see a GOOD ending in which I actually have a family or something.
WHY do I haul the most ridiculous things around? A point well made by Youtube people is this: what's with the barges and the two foot ladders? I mean, can you make it so I can JUMP on my own or grab things?! I can have a ledge that I just need to JUMP to reach and you guys make me waste fifty rupees on a two foot ladder than I only use ONCE and then guess what? IT DISAPPEARS, then I have to go buy another frickin' ladder or blue candle or something just to get past another room. It's a pain in the butt to go back and forth from the store and the dungeon. I'd like to see you donut obsessed game designers do something so tedious. So stop slurping green tea and TRY to do what I do. If you can't then LET ME JUMP!
Here's my final beef with you game creators… for now. Why do I need the Triforce of Courage? It does nothing except make my hand all glowy… and lighty… and bring the dead guy back to life OVER and OVER. And when I do obtain the Triforce, what's with the drooly, wide-mouthed stare I do with the cheesy background music? How would you like it if every time you found a piece of it you had to stare blankly at the ceiling with drool running out of your mouth for a few minutes flat? Pretty STUPID, don't you think?
Okay, I'm done with my insane rant for now. Please think about my complaints and carefully list them down. Now if you want this cool, awesome Hylian to stay in business and doing well then you'd better make the changes or else I'm off to a permanent coffee break. My buddy Mario will drop out too, and you won't have your little Italian plumber to work with either. Remember, I'm WATCHING you! LIKE A HAWK!
Author's Note: I hope that was good. Please read and review.