Holy Morphs Envy a Radar

Disclaimer: I own NONE of this. All JKR's. She gets the fame. She gets the money. She gets the creepy fan-mail letters addressed to Harry along with pieces of their hair.

A/N: Hi this is my first story. Not much to say. If anyone can find it, there is a song name in this chapter and probably any others I post onto this story. Good luck finding it. Enjoy and review.

(Just so you know. I'm not one of those creepy Harry-fanatic-mail-senders. Mine was sent to Hermione.)

Chapter 1 – Call me Mr. Yardman

Clouds rolled over the late evening sky, looking a lot like they had better places to be. Harry couldn't blame them. Nothing would truly want to stay around Privet drive for very long, it was the kind of place that anything that wasn't in perfect order, like clouds for example, was shunned as a form of indecency. Unfortunately for Harry, his Uncle Vernon saw him as one of those things that wasn't in perfect order and took to beating him repeatedly to punish him.

Harry was used to it now though. After all what's a little bit of physical pain when you're heart is trying to rip itself from your body out of guilt every waking second? And when every night you relive the cause over and over, until it's embedded in the back of your eyes? Harry's guilt was all centred on one person, Sirius Black, Harry's beloved Godfather, the man who had been forcefully ripped from life because of Harry's failures. It was his death that plagued Harry's dreams and woke him every night in cold sweats. It had only been a few weeks since his death and Harry was once again back at Privet drive, watching the clouds rush by as tears stained his face before falling to the window sill.

"Boy, get down here now and make us some food." The ever angry voice of Vernon bellowed up the stairs. Harry stayed where he was. He didn't feel like cooking for those arseholes he was forced to say were family. Of course Vernon wouldn't be pleased, and it would probably lead to some form of beating, but it would do the walrus good to wait for a while. He might even lose a bit of weight. "Boy, get down here now before I break your legs!" Harry decided that Uncle Vernon had waited enough.

"It's about bloody time, Freak!" Uncle Vernon yelled as Harry put the food down on the table. He followed this up by taking a book from a nearby shelf and hit Harry across his face. Harry went down. Not because of the force of the book but because Harry had soon learnt that if he stayed upright he would receive more hit's until he did fall. "Now get back to your room Freak! We have business guests over tonight and I want to make a good impression. So stay out of sight and maybe we'll give you some scraps tomorrow!"

Harry got up and stumbled back to his room, rubbing his face. Slumping over on to his bed, Harry looked up to see Hedwig sitting on her perch. 'Right the letter.' Harry thought as he got up, got some paper and began to write to the order, telling them he was fine and unharmed.

The door bell rang about seven thirty. "Ah, Mr Hop good to see you, and you Mr Yardman. Come in, please. Harry just stayed silent up in his room like he was told. He really was very hungry.

An hour so passed with the people on the floor below talking. Harry tried to concentrate on the voices to keep his mind of darker places, places like the department of mysteries and the graveyard. It didn't work. He kept slipping back to those places when ever he closed his eyes. Suddenly a voice caught Harry's attention.

"Do you mind if I use your bathroom quickly?"

"Oh not at all Justin, it's just up the stairs, second door on the left."

"Thank you Vernon, and please, call me Mr Yardman."

"Oh, of course, and, um, ignore any noise that you hear up there, it's just our son's dog. We kept him up there in a room so he didn't cause too much trouble."

"Oh I absolutely love dogs. Can I have a look at him?"

"NO!" Squealed Mrs Dursley. "I mean, I'd rather you didn't, he's not good with new faces."

"I see. Well if you'll excuse me" Harry could hear footsteps pounding up the stairs and the bathroom door opening and closing. And then he just lay down again trying not to blink in case he saw Sirius die again.

Mr Yardman was coming out of the bathroom when he saw a shaft of light coming from a door across the landing. Thinking that it couldn't hurt to check, he crept a cross slowly and gently eased the door open. Inside he saw a 15 year old boy with his head in his hands, crying silently. 'It's so sad.' He thought. 'Hmm, he's kinda' cute when he's depressed. Whoa, where did that come from? Not part of the job, just leave it alone. Well he is cute and quite well built, and cute, very cute. No, stop that. Well he is.' He was standing there thinking too much it seemed as Harry became aware to his presence.

"Oops, wrong room, sorry." He quickly blurted out and fled the door, running back down to where the Dursleys and his business partner were sitting.

About half an hour later, Harry could hear people could getting up and the sound of voices came up the stairs

"Well, Mr Dursley, I must thank you for your hospitality this evening. I'm sure you will be hearing from us very soon."

"Thank you very much and have a safe trip home."

"Oh, I'm sure we will. Goodnight Mr Dursley."

"Goodnight." The door was shut.

Mr Yardman and Mr Hop walked away at a leisurely pace, talking a little to pass the time.

"Do you think they bought it?"

"Bought it? Please those two were eating it off a spoon."

"So. . . Why did I have to do this again?"

"Because your one of the available people who he wouldn't have recognized?"

"Right. Well, how was Harry then?" Mundungus asked

Mr Yardman was gone and in his place was Nymphadora Tonks. She sighed deeply "Depressed" 'and cute' her head added. "Oh and a slight bruise is all that is visible damage on him."

"Not much new then?"

"No. Oh well. I'll go report to Dumbledore and head home, while you take care of your night shift." She said hopefully

"Oh no. Remember those shifts you've traded with me so you could go dating? I'm calling them all in now so you're stuck here for 2 night shifts."

"What? It was only one shift.

"No. You traded another one two days ago with me for one of yours so you could go on that date with, who was it now, oh yeah 'That hunk from accounting'." Tonks grimaced. "So how did that date go anyway?"

"Well, it ended with him sitting rather shocked and with Ice cream dripping from his head and an eating utensil jammed up his nose and me leaving on the verge of tears."

"Oh, ask you to change huh. Was it the fork again?"

"No, the spoon."

"Hmm, wanted you to change your breasts, huh?"

"Yep. God, I mean how hard can it be to find a guy that likes me for me?"

"What about me, I never ask you to change?"

"You don't count, Dung."


"The only reason you don't ask me to change is because you already know what will happen if you do."

"True enough. Well then" He said stopping. "I can apparate out of view now so I'll just go report to Dumbledore and you can enjoy your double shift. See you in, lets see 2 nights of mine and you're 2 day shifts that makes 2 whole days Tonks. That's 48 hours. Hopefully you won't be too tired when I get back."


"I love you too." And with that, Mundungus Fletcher apparated away, leaving Tonks on her own and a bit grouchy.

"I need to change out of this suit." She said aloud and headed off to Ms Figgs house to get a change of clothing.

The next morning Harry had woken up on the verge of screaming once more. He was only stopped by the knowledge that screaming would lead to more beatings. Slowly as the nightmare washed over him once more, he broke down onto quiet sobs.

Sirius was standing in front of Harry, smiling with a gleam in his eyes. Harry had smiled when he saw him looking so happy. That stopped as the voice of Voldemort echoed around his head.

"Hmm, where to start. Well best pick up your wand young Potter." Harry's hand reached into his back pocket by itself and took out his wand, aiming it straight at Sirius. Sirius was still smiling at Harry, unheeding. "Well let's start with my personal favourite, the Cruciatus." Green lightning leapt out of Harry's wand and hit Sirius. He fell to the floor, screaming loudly, but still smiling. Harry tried to stop the magic but he couldn't, he tried to scream as well but there was no air in his lungs. Sirius' screaming carried on and on, though, and he was still smiling despite it all.

"That's enough of that I think. How about something a little more breaking." As he said it a dark blue shone from Harry's wand and engulfed Sirius' body. Hundreds of heart stopping cracks and pops and rips came from his body as every bone below his neck snapped in half and tore though his flesh. This time Sirius' screams were drenched in gargling blood and Harry felt he would be sick. All the time Sirius was still smiling at Harry.

"How nice. Even after all you've done, he still trusts you, just look at that smile. Hmm, I think his eyes are a little too bright and sparkly for my liking. I think we know how to deal with that don't we Harry?" Two small blood red orbs floated from Harry's wand and twirled towards Sirius' head when they made contact with Sirius' eyes a low bubbling was heard and his eyes slowly started to drip down his face and body, making white stains on his shirt. Sirius screamed again as his eyes melted, the smile on his face almost hollow without the light of his eyes. Harry retched as his body tried to throw up with nothing in his stomach. His eyes never left Sirius's face, still smiling.

"I grow bored of this AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Harry stared at his hand in disbelief. How could he have done that to Sirius? But it was his fault that he had died. He should have seen it was a trap. But no. All Harry was concerned with that time was being the Hero. It was all his fault. Guilt surged through his body again as he lay down to cry into his bed.

It was several hours before Harry came out of his sobbing state, his face a mess. 'Right' He thought. 'I need to keep my mind off of Sirius somehow. Let's see. I could read. Hmm. No I can't do that, all my school stuff is locked under the cupboard and I can't pick the lock in case any one sees me. Hmm maybe I could work on my Physique. Well I have no equipment but I can still go for a jog at the moment, yeah, I think I'll do that.'

He had been jogging for about twenty minutes and was starting to feel the effects. His legs were on fire and his breathing was a bit shallow. He sat down on a nearby bench to recuperate.

He had been on there for about a minute when the bush next to the bench let out a snap and a 'bugger' before promptly dumping Tonks onto the ground beside it.

"Well that's the last time I trust that Squirrel." Talks muttered angrily then realising where she was, she smiled stupidly and stood up. "Wotcha Harry."

"Tonks? Mind explaining what you were doing in that bush?"

"Well, it was the only bit of decent cover in the area other than the tree other there, but I'm no good at climbing and a Squirrel in the tree told me that the bush was probably best."

"Umm, wait the Squirrel told you?"

"Huh, yeah I had a left over advanced multilingual spell from a few nights again when I was trying to chat up this cute Albanian man who was really hot and . . ."

"Tonks! That's enough information thanks but do you mind explaining why you were spying on me?"

"Oh, right well, you probably won't like this but. . ."


Tonks took a deep breath and continued, quicker than was necessary, "Dumbledore sent me to keep an eye on you every day and Fletcher to guard you every night and sometimes we were to infiltrate the house to see if they are treating you ok." Tonks closed her eyes waiting for the inevitable. She really did hate it when Harry shouted. It made her sad for some reason, even when he wasn't shouting at her.

"Right, well that's a lot to take in. I can see why he would want to guard me. After what I did, I suppose he was afraid I'd run off. And I can see why I wasn't told about it but still, it is a bit annoying, I mean it's not really a minor thing to hide from me."

"Wait, so you're not going to shout at me? You're not angry?"

"Not really, just curious."


"Yeah, how did you infiltrate my house?"

Tonks changed back into her Mr Yardman look, bowed and said, "Mr Yardman at your service young sir."

"So you were the guy looking at me?"



"Well I better be going now, you aren't actually supposed to know I'm here." Tonks got up to leave but Harry stopped her.

"Tonks, wait" His voice was quavering. Tonks turned back to face Harry, smiling

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?


A/N: First chapters done. Updates should be regular. Not sure how much time between each chapter. A max of 4 days unless I give reason for otherwise. As I said, I'm new to this so any reviews are welcome, good or bad as long as it's not just blatant insults. They hurt. :(

If anyone can guess the point of the name then feel free to say so. I'll post up the first person to get it right so they can feel happy. :)