Live Through

Notes: So, um, this is my Yami no Matsuei ficlet.

Warnings: Yaoi, Tsuzuki+Hisoka. (Hints of Tatsumi+Tsuzuki.) Violence, implied/ remembered NCS, and everything else that goes with YnM. This will be pretty much Hisoka-centric, because I like him a lot, and he strikes me as being introspective and Tsuzuki just... well, isn't.

Spoilers: Entirety of the series. Series, not manga. I have never seen/read the manga. There will be references to manga characters that don't appear in the series (i. e. Terazuma) but none of them will play major roles. And I'm dealing with Anime!Hisoka here, because he's way cooler than Manga!Hisoka.

Disclaimers: I own nothing, and I stole the title from Trigun.


Before my mother realized what I was, she called me her little one. Then one day I asked her why she was angry. She wanted to know how I'd known she was angry, and I couldn't explain how. I just . . . knew. From that day on I was no longer her little one. I wasn't a little boy at all. I was a demon child, to be locked into a cell, abused, underfed, and finally raped, cursed, and murdered.

For the first time in years, someone called me little one. He did, telling me how beautiful I was and how it would be wrong to just kill me, telling me all this while he carved the curse onto my body.

I became a Shinigami.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I can't say it was the best thing in my life, since it technically occurred after my own death. I don't feel dead, but it's not exactly an easy thing to forget.

I read somewhere that fire purifies. Should Tsuzuki and I have come out of that building as better people? Cleansed of Muraki's touch?

I wish we could have.

How much of life is fate, and how much chance? Tsuzuki and I would never have met if it hadn't been for Muraki. That makes me think I shouldn't hate him, but I do. I hate him for what he did to me; I hate him more for what he did to Tsuzuki. But so much of Tsuzuki's problems aren't Muraki's fault. How much was already there, waiting for the right minute to erupt?

I thought I was going to lose him. I couldn't stand it, couldn't stand it in a way that touched me deeper than anything ever has before. I would have done anything to save him, and all I could do was hold him and cry and beg.

I'm so tired of being alone.

I've been alone for so long. I had finally learned how to trust, how to care again. If Tsuzuki had left me . . .

I don't want to think about it.

I want to stay with him forever.

I told him I needed him.

Truer words were never spoken.

It hurt to say, almost as if the words were torn out from very deep inside me. Hidden for so long, because I didn't want to admit them. I didn't want to feel, to care, to need. I don't want to be hurt anymore, and caring always brings pain.

But I'm so tired of being alone, and somehow he got into my heart without me even realizing what was going on. Now that need is a part of me, and admitting it eased some of the pain that it brings.

There are hundreds of ways that I need him. To help me, to comfort me. To stay with me, to advise me, to care for me, to wave apple pie in my face, to stand between me and my pain, me and my loneliness.

He asked if he could stay with me.

I didn't know how he could ask that, after what I had just said to him, and all I could do was nod, and that was when the ceiling crashed down on us. I thought we were dead. For a minute I almost wanted it. To free Tsuzuki from his pain, but not have to live without him.

The perfect solution.

But somehow I think I like it better this way. I wish I could help Tsuzuki. But I couldn't let him die.

Tatsumi-san came to see me yesterday. I think he was worried that I was angry with him. Tsuzuki had told me about the little talk they'd had. I guess Tatsumi-san is just a worrier by nature. I can't forget what he said to me in the hotel that night, about how I'm the only one who can comfort Tsuzuki. Right now he needs me as much as I need him. I remember the look on Tatsumi-san's face when we reached the lab, the profound sorrow, but resignation. If Tsuzuki wanted to die, that was what Tatsumi-san wanted.

But the thought of losing him . . .

I guess I'm back-tracking, aren't I? Tatsumi-san came to apologize to me. For almost letting Tsuzuki die. I told him he didn't have anything to apologize for -- he did save us, in the end. He looked a little surprised. I guess he had a right to be. I'm not usually so agreeable.

I told him earlier that I thought he knew Tsuzuki better than I did. He said I was wrong. I'm still not sure. I know how Tatsumi-san feels about him. It's not that he's obvious, it's just that it's hard to hide things from me, especially strong emotions like that. It doesn't really matter how well-shielded you are; I pick up on it eventually. It's just a little warmth or feeling of kindness when he looks at Tsuzuki. Or sometimes, when Tsuzuki and I are together and Tatsumi-san is watching us, I feel a sort of gentle wave of sorrow and regret. But understanding.

Tatsumi-san wants us to be happy together.

It's a rather tall order, I think. I rescued Tsuzuki from the flames, but can I truly rescue him from his darkness? He says he's fine now, completely and totally fine and where did I hide the chocolate cake? He's fooled Wakaba and Terazuma, Saya and Yuma, the Gushoshin. Watari and Konoe-Kachou don't believe it, and neither does Tatsumi-san. God knows that I don't believe it.

But if he can pretend, I can pretend. It won't help him if I drag his problems out by force. He has to trust me.

He does, I think, but it's like he doesn't quite know how to go about it. Tsuzuki is the only person here that I can't read very well. I can get a sense of him, of his emotions at the moment, but never more than that. It's not that he doesn't trust me, I don't think; it's just that he's shielded himself so well for so long that he really doesn't know how to let people in anymore.

He has to learn how to trust people, the same way I had to learn how to need people.

"I need you."

Truer words . . .

After all this, I'm still not even sure what Tsuzuki technically is. He has those beautiful purple eyes. Demon's eyes? That's what Muraki said. But I don't think so. Tsuzuki isn't a demon or a monster. I've met demons. I would know if that was true. Demons do not feel, they do not care. That isn't Tsuzuki, who cares so deeply that it nearly kills him.

I was called a monster once, by my own parents. It wasn't true then any more than it's true now.

The romantic part of me (and a small part it is) would like to think he's some sort of angel. But I don't believe that either.

He's just a human.

In fact, I think he might be the most human out of anyone I've ever met.

I remember him asking me, over and over again. "Am I human?" And I would always just say yes, because that was all he needed and wanted to hear. Night after night during our long hospital stay, in between both of our nightmares, talking quietly so Watari wouldn't come in and tell us to go back to sleep.

"Am I human, Hisoka?"

"Yes, Tsuzuki."

And he would smile at me. He has a wonderful smile. I was afraid I'd never see it again. I'm still afraid of that, because it's still only a shadow of what it used to be. I know Tsuzuki will never be the same -- could never be the same after what we went through -- but I hope that someday he'll smile again.

And Muraki is still alive. I'm not sure how to tell Tsuzuki that. Or if I even should tell Tsuzuki that. I don't think it's anything he needs to know right now, but I can't lie to him. The curse would be gone if Muraki was dead, and it isn't. How am I supposed to tell him that?

I don't know exactly what happened when Muraki kidnapped him, but I can make a few guesses. I know firsthand what he's like, and he's been after Tsuzuki for ages. I can hope, that since they weren't together for much time before we came, that nothing happened . . . nothing like that, anyway . . .

But why delude myself? I can hear what Tsuzuki says in his dreams. I probably say a lot of the same things myself. It's a shared pain we have, one of many.

As for me, I'm not sorry Muraki survived. I'm not thrilled, but having him still around gives me some sort of purpose. It gives me a reason to live.

No. That's not . . . quite right.

Muraki gives me a reason to exist.

Tsuzuki gives me a reason to live.

"I need you."

When he has those nightmares, I always get out of bed and hold him, wait for them to go away. Watari told me days ago that I didn't have to sleep in the hospital anymore, but I do anyway. I like having Tsuzuki nearby when I sleep, for my own comfort and so I can keep an eye on him.

Konoe-Kachou has ordered us both to take two weeks off. This is on top of all the time we've spent in the hospital. I've been doing some work while Tsuzuki's finished healing; odd jobs, helping out Watari and Tatsumi-san around the office. But the note from Konoe-Kachou this morning said we're both to stop working for two weeks. We can go where we wish, Chijou or wherever. He advised that we were to stay together, of course.

And here's the real kicker -- if anything suspicious happens near us, what are we supposed to do?

Leave. Notify EnmaCho and leave. We aren't allowed to let anything disturb this forced vacation. I guess he thinks we need it too badly. And I know he's worried about Muraki. Naturally I told him that Muraki is still around.

I asked Tsuzuki where he wanted to go. He immediately listed off about eighty-five places in the course of three seconds. I'd never even heard of most of them. It's nice to know his old self is still in there somewhere.

I'll let him pick. Anything to make him happy. Tatsumi-san said he might even find it in his heart to give us some extra money for dessert. Some things never change.

Two weeks alone with Tsuzuki.

Part of me is frightened at this concept, part of me ecstatic. But I don't think anything will happen. We'll share a room, most likely -- Tatsumi-san will be happier that way, less money. And Tsuzuki and I have gotten used to having the other there at night. Not that we do anything -- I have a feeling neither of us would be ready for that for a long time, even if we had clarified the details of our relationship.

Two weeks alone with Tsuzuki. No Watari coming in for checkups, no Tatsumi-san to watch us with sad but forgiving eyes, no Konoe-Kachou to try to make me work, no one except strangers and the two of us.

I shouldn't be afraid. He already knows how I feel.

"I need you."

Truer words . . .?

No. There are truer words than that.

We need each other.


So.... give me lots of feedback, please? The next part of this might be a while coming.