HATAKE KAKASHI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the respective characters, and The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual series format belongs to Theresa Green.
You are now the proud owner of the HATAKE KAKASHI unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Copy Nin, read the following manual with care, as misuse of the HATAKE KAKASHI could prove hazardous to your health.
Name: Hatake Kakashi (AKA the Copy Nin or Sharingan Kakashi. Will respond to "Kakashi-sensei" but will not respond to "Ah, my Eternal Rival!")
Age: 26 (or 29 if you purchase the Shippuuden version)
Place of Manufacture: Hidden Leaf Village, Hatake Family division.
Height: 181 cm
Weight: 67.5 kg
Length: Icha Icha Paradise, indeed.
Your HATAKE KAKASHI comes with the following accessories:
One Konoha Hitai-ate
One Standard Konoha Shinobi Uniform (including the regulation Chuunin vest)
One Pair Navy Blue Sandals
One Weapons Pouch (containing assorted shuriken and kunai)
One Icha Icha® Paradise Adult Novel
One ANBU Cosplay Set©
One Konoha Memorial Stone© Garden Ornament
One Kakashi-Scarecrow Decoy© (for defensive purposes)
Removing your HATAKE KAKASHI from his box
The HATAKE KAKASHI is an elite jounin, and a genius to boot, so do not be surprised if your unit escapes from his box before you can open it – he will either simply use the substitution method and turn into a wooden log, or may use the Kakashi-Scarecrow Decoy© accessory as a substitute. It is most likely then that you will find him crouching behind you. Now, if the KAKASHI is in a playful mood, he may poof out of your reach whenever you try to grab him. When this happens, it is vital that you distract him by yelling that you just saw a naked woman/man run past the window. Once he runs over to look, snatch his copy of Icha Icha® Paradise, chuck it in the nearest hiding place and inform him that you are ready for The Test. Do not allow your new unit to make any excuses at this point, even if he promises to dance for you – as tempting as this offer is, please note that HE WILL NOT DO IT. Keep resisting his excuses and eventually the unit will give in and give you The Test.
THE TEST: simply put, if you fail this, the HATAKE KAKASHI will refuse to recognise you as worthy of being his master. Luckily for you, this complicated training process has been reduced down to one question that any idiot should be able to answer correctly. When your KAKASHI asks, "What is the most important thing about being a Konoha shinobi?" you answer "Duh, teamwork!" (Note: feel free to continue with any "we three are one" crap to earn bonus points with your unit).
If you give the correct answer, the KAKASHI will say "Bingo!" and promptly settle down on the couch or wander outside to sit on a tree branch and read Icha Icha®. If you do not give the correct answer, the KAKASHI will give you a disappointed look and inform you that you will never become a shinobi before vanishing forever in a cloud of smoke. Caution: no refunds are given as a result of failed tests. However, there are methods by which you can rectify the situation (see FAQ for further details).
Your HATAKE KAKASHI has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:
Bodyguard/Assassin: As a former member of the elite ANBU squad and an elite jounin of the Hidden Leaf, the HATAKE KAKASHI is perfectly equipped to protect and guide you through any dangerous situation, as well as eliminate any target of your choosing. Note: confiscate any porn that your unit may be carrying, as it may distract him from his mission and cause him to wander off.
Mentor: Need help controlling those crazy teenagers? Are they running wild and making your life a living hell? Have no fear; with the HATAKE KAKASHI by your side, you will be able to transform those troublesome brats into well-adjusted, responsible adults in no time! Of course, they may have mild addictions to porn afterwards… but to counter this effect, make sure that an UMINO IRUKA is present to monitor behaviour and suggest correct teaching methods.
Adult Literature Specialist: Do you know nothing about adult entertainment? Do you want to know anything about it? If the answer is yes, then this is the perfect unit for you! The HATAKE KAKASHI will be happy to answer any question you have about adult literature (provided you are over the age of eighteen – the KAKASHI may be open-minded, but not that open-minded), with his area of expertise being the Icha Icha® series.
Dance Partner: With his Sharingan© ability and naturally athletic body, the HATAKE KAKASHI makes the perfect dance partner! His shinobi status also ensures that your unit will be able to adapt to any dancing situation, be it a formal ball or wild rave – whatever the occasion, your Copy Nin is guaranteed to shake it with the best of them!
Your HATAKE KAKASHI will come with the following modes:
Fashionably Late (default)
Out Of Character (locked)
To unlock his Slash mode, simply allow your HATAKE KAKASHI to read the special edition of Icha Icha®, specifically developed for this situation: Icha Icha® Yaoi Fantasy. Once he has finished reading, he will (and this is guaranteed through the use of subliminal intertext) be inclined to do experimental 'training' with an UCHIHA SASUKE or take an UMINO IRUKA out on a date. Note: you will not be able to unlock any Slash-related features without this accessory!
To unlock his Out of Character mode, deprive him of all adult material for at least a week, or ask an UCHIHA ITACHI unit to use its Tsukuyomi© to drive your unit into a temporary coma – this should give you ample time to add more programs to his repertoire.
Relations with other units
The HATAKE KAKASHI will say on occasion that everyone he loves is dead, but this not true. There are still plenty of units around in need of some serious lovin'! The following units are compatible with your HATAKE KAKASHI and will be able to build some kind of relationship with him – of course, there are exceptions. But you knew that already.
UZUMAKI NARUTO: The HATAKE KAKASHI will take great pleasure in tormenting this unit, but in actual fact he is training said unit. Really. UZUMAKI NARUTO units will train willingly under a KAKASHI and become quite fond of their sensei, but will take great offence when the KAKASHI gives private one-on-one training sessions to an UCHIHA SASUKE.
UCHIHA SASUKE: Angst-ridden, angry and the very epitome of emo, the UCHIHA SASUKE is among the last remnants of the Uchiha clan. Your HATAKE KAKASHI will be very important to this unit because the Copy Nin is the only unit capable of understanding his Sharingan© ability and thus training him effectively – like the awesome Chidori©, for example.
Once the UCHIHA SASUKE enters his Avenger mode, your KAKASHI will attempt to explain to him that revenge will bring nothing but more pain and loneliness. The SASUKE will ignore this for three reasons:
1. All UCHIHA SASUKE units are emo – therefore they like pain and loneliness. They are lost without their fits of angst and brooding demeanours.
2. If the SASUKE is forced to reject his emo-status, he will no longer have an excuse to sit in the dark listening to Linkin Park or Evanescence and bemoaning his tragic past while slitting his wrists – which is what his social life consists of every Friday night.
3. It is impossible for an UCHIHA SASUKE not to be emo. If your unit is not displaying signs of emo-ness, he is obviously malfunctioning or not a legitimate UCHIHA SASUKE.
HARUNO SAKURA: The last of his three charges, this pink-haired kunoichi appears to be quite sweet and innocent – note the key word appears. HARUNO SAKURA units, while endowed with a gentle feminine side, are prone to violent outbursts and outrageous displays of furious strength. Contrary to this fierce temperament, the HARUNO SAKURA has great chakra control and excellent medical skills taught to her courtesy of the Fifth Hokage unit, TSUNADE. Nevertheless, the SAKURA has great respect for her first sensei and will frequently scream at him for being late.
MAITO GAI: HATAKE KAKASHI units will ignore MAITO GAI for the most part, and will constantly blow them off, completely disregarding the GAI as a so-called 'Eternal Rival'. However, their shinobi abilities do complement each other in a fight, and the GAI is extremely useful for giving piggyback rides when your KAKASHI is incapacitated and/or drunk and needs a lift home.
UCHIHA ITACHI: Your HATAKE KAKASHI previously served in the ANBU squad with this unit, and obviously does not approve of his slaughter of the entire Uchiha Clan and will attack if the ITACHI trespasses into his territory. To avoid the copious amounts of bloodshed and mindless, horrifying violence that any standard ninja battle encompasses, please ensure that both units are in Slash mode when they meet – this will ensure that there are copious amounts of hot yaoi and mindless, passionate sex.
UMINO IRUKA: Ordinarily, the HATAKE KAKASHI will barely interact with this sweet-natured Chuunin. In fact, all they really have in common is the UZUMAKI NARUTO and a handful of students. But for some reason (coughhot bishonen yaoicough), fangirls really seem to love the idea of these two units being involved.
UCHIHA OBITO: Your unit will be unable to begin his day without spending at least two hours talking to this dead nin at the memorial headstone. It is recommended that you install a Konoha Memorial Stone ornament in your garden. Do not attempt to interfere in this relationship, as the UCHIHA OBITO was the one to teach your unit about the values of friendship and even gifted him with a Sharingan© eye.
RIN: Another former teammate of your HATAKE KAKASHI, it is unknown how this unit died, but your Copy Nin will mourn her anyway. Similarly to the HARUNO SAKURA, she had a crush on the KAKASHI (who was the 'Sasuke', i.e. arrogant little bastard, of his former team), even though the KAKASHI never returned her feelings. Also a former medic-nin, the RIN was the unit to transplant the Sharingan eye from the UCHIHA OBITO to the HATAKE KAKASHI.
JIRAIYA: It is highly recommended that owners of a HATAKE KAKASHI purchase a JIRAIYA unit, because if your Copy Nin gets bored of his Icha Icha® Paradise or Icha Icha® Tactics novels, he may decide to run away in search of fresh porn and never come back (Note: in this case, he has most likely been distracted by a grave memorial he found in a backyard somewhere, or willingly followed a wild JIRAIYA on a 'research' expedition). If you have your own Ero-Sennin, your KAKASHI will have an endless supply of porn and never have reason to run away.
MINATO NAMIKAZE (AKA The Fourth Hokage, Yondaime and 'The Yellow Flash'): The deceased Yondaime was the former sensei of your HATAKE KAKASHI, and the father unit of the UZUMAKI NARUTO. Not much is known about this particular relationship, but it must have been a good one, even if most involved in that relationship are now dead.
Even though the HATAKE KAKASHI is a grown man, he may pretend to be absolutely clueless about bathing in order to receive some special attention. He will probably come up with some silly excuse about not understanding the intricacies of opening a faucet, or that his fingers got hurt and now they are too sore for him to undress himself. The first thing you ought to do is inform your Copy Nin that he does not need to manipulate you – you were perfectly willing to join him in the first place! (if not, we would like to know what is wrong with you).
After 'cleaning' has taken place, please ensure that your HATAKE KAKASHI is properly dried and clothed.
WARNING: the manufacturers are not responsible for any physical effects (i.e. severe blood loss from explosive nosebleeds) that may occur as a result of the HATAKE KAKASHI using his towel only to cover his face and not other more 'sensitive' parts. If this distresses you, give him more towels and insist that he cover himself up. If this does not upset you, sit back and enjoy the show!
Even though you will never actually see your HATAKE KAKASHI consume food, you will need to ensure that he has access to fresh, nutritious food at least three times a day – as much as it may seem like it, he does not run on air and does need to eat.
Note: snacks and foods containing excessive amounts of sugar are optional and not recommended in large doses, but your unit will appreciate them from time to time.
Given that the Sharingan© ability uses so much energy, your HATAKE KAKASHI will need at least eight hours of sleep per day, even if he does not utilise Sharingan© for extended periods of time. Your unit is perfectly content with sleeping on his own or with company, but it will definitely ease his loneliness to wake up cuddled next to a person he can trust – and it will definitely make you feel better to wake up next to a gorgeous bishounen.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: I failed The Test, but my KAKASHI is still hanging around! Any chance of still getting him to obey me?
A: No. Chances are, the KAKASHI is taking the opportunity to freeload or you own a cute UMINO IRUKA. You could take a chance and use the Tsukuyomi© ability of an UCHIHA ITACHI to push him so far into Out of Character mode that he forgets you ever failed, and then you can reprogram him to recognise you as his Hokage.
Q: Um, is there a special reason why my KAKASHI likes to watch other units with his Sharingan activated?
A: Other than a perverted one, you mean? Probably not. However, your Copy Nin could have detected a plot against you and is merely conducting surveillance on suspicious units to protect you. Or he might have discovered a way to strip units of their clothes with his Sharingan©. Either way, it should prove useful to you.
Q: No matter how hard I try, my HATAKE KAKASHI refuses to let me remove his mask, even during bath time! What do I have to do to see his gorgeous bishonen features?
A: Given that the HAYAKE KAKASHI is an elite jounin, it would be pointless to set Team 7 to the task – your Copy Nin is always on guard, even in the presence of his students. It would be equally pointless to send an ANBU squad, and even more pointless to send a MAITO GAI. The best person for the job is probably an UMINO IRUKA: the epitome of wide-eyed innocence and male cuteness, this adorable Chuunin will be able to charm the pants (and mask!) off of your KAKASHI.
If you do not own an UMINO IRUKA and are unable to borrow one, simply blackmail your KAKASHI into removing his mask by confiscating all Icha Icha® novels from the house until he obeys.
Q: I finally got my KAKASHI's mask off… and found another mask underneath! What the hell, does he even have a face?
A: Of course he has a face! Just, er, one that the budget never got around to putting in place. Seriously, though, the HATAKE KAKASHI does have a face – one that bears such a resemblance to his father, HATAKE SAKUMO (AKA the 'White Fang of Konoha'), that your Copy Nin intentionally covers it. Or he might just think that the scar from his eye transplant spoils his bishonen features. Either way, he does have a reason for wearing that mask.
Q: My KAKASHI told me he was just stepping out for an hour, but he's been gone for over a week now!
A: HATAKE KAKASHI units have a radically different concept of time compared to normal units. "Stepping out for an hour" is the code for "Expect me back in a month" according to the Kakashi-Lingo guide (and it is highly recommended that all owners of the HATAKE KAKASHI purchase this advanced guide as it is integral to understanding your Copy Nin). To persuade him to come back, assemble a group of ANBU units to bring him home, or put out the word that you have the latest volume of Icha Icha®.
Q: My KAKASHI is worried that he might be getting old before his time. Should he be? I mean, all his hair is grey.
A: The HATAKE KAKASHI was born with a head full of gravity-defying, awe-inspiring hair that is the stuff of legends – the fact that it is also grey is a mere coincidence. Explain to your KAKASHI that this is his natural colour and it in no way influences his age or ability to perform (if this is what your KAKASHI was truly worried about, remind him that there is a reason Viagra was invented).
Q: My KAKASHI has been making eyes at the local HARUNO SAKURA lately… um, is this a good thing?
A: Student-teacher relationships are strictly forbidden… in reality, of course. This is fanfiction. Anything goes. The HARUNO SAKURA should prove to be a suitable girlfriend/breeding partner for your HATAKE KAKASHI, providing you obtain permission from her owner before you allow your KAKASHI to pursue her. Caution: if you give your KAKASHI the go-ahead before obtaining the consent of the SAKURA's owner, please note that your unit can be charged with sexual harassment and may be deactivated by the authorities. Or the SAKURA in question (if she is part of the Shippuuden™ range) might use her outrageous strength to fatally damage your precious KAKASHI.
Q: My UZUMAKI NARUTO was trying to deface the garden statues again, so I told my KAKASHI to punish him with Taijutsu. I only expected a few gentle punches, but my KAKASHI shouted "A Thousand Years of Death!" and shoved something up his ass! What the hell, I wanted my KAKASHI to punish him, not molest him!
A: Explain to your unit that using such an advanced technique is completely unacceptable against a twelve-year old shinobi. If you must discipline an UZUMAKI NARUTO, it is more effective to borrow an UMINO IRUKA, who will immediately scold the NARUTO into submission with his specially enhanced lungs.
Problem: Your HATAKE KAKASHI is lying on the floor, twitching.
Solution: Please ensure that the HATAKE KAKASHI is never left unsupervised with an UCHIHA ITACHI. The results could be traumatising or fatal for your unit if a MAITO GAI is not on hand to intervene.
Problem: Your HATAKE KAKASHI persists in waving a pair of bells in front of your face before running off and reappearing seconds later to repeat the process.
Solution: There will be times when your KAKASHI wants to play, and playing 'capture the bells' is one of his favourite games. Of course, you may be more inclined to play the 'Sexy no Jutsu' game, but indulge him for at least ten minutes, or send him off to play with a Team 7© Playset if he becomes too annoying. Note: it is perfectly normal for dark storm clouds and screams of pain to materialize when your KAKASHI is amusing himself by 'playing' the bell game with a Team 7© Playset.
Problem: Your KAKASHI keeled over for no apparent reason and appears to be dead.
Solution: This usually happens when your KAKASHI has been using his Sharingan© for an extended period of time. You see, unlike the UCHIHA ITACHI and UCHIHA SASUKE units, your Copy Nin lacks the Uchiha blood to turn it off and needs to keep it covered with his Konoha Hitae-ate©. To solve this problem, simply pop him in bed and play nurse for a week or two until he's back on his feet.
With plenty of tender love and care, your HATAKE KAKASHI will prove to be a fiercely loyal and protective companion and friend. As a Certified Bishonen©, he will provide you with many years of service and, if bred correctly, possibly hundreds –even thousands– of genius ninja babies. Given that the Copy Nin is in fierce demand, prevent violent custody battles and contract killings by stating in your will which lucky bastard will inherit a HATAKE KAKASHI.