Archie's Vote

Archie's Vote

By Joey

Summary: Archie and the other characters are in the year 2008 and are debating about who to vote for President in 2008.

Author Notes: I do not own All in the Family, its characters, or any other copyrighted material. I wrote this solely for entertainment purposes and not to make a profit. Also, I realize that many of the candidates referenced in this fanfiction are no longer running for president, but they are simply there to give the cast a variety of candidates to choose from.

One late afternoon, Mike entered the Bunker residence after a hard day at college and hung his coat on the coat rack and set his book bag on the floor. He then stiffly walked to the kitchen and made himself a ham and cheese sandwich and got some milk. Upon returning to the living room, Mike sank into Archie's favorite armchair in front of the TV to watch the news. The anchors discussed the situation of the Iraq War and the economy for the first fifteen minutes before going on to discuss the presidential candidates.

"In other news, a recent poll finds that of the two mainstream Democratic candidates, 54 of people would vote for Obama, 42 would vote for Clinton, and 4 would vote for neither. As far as the Republicans are concerned, 44 of people would vote for John McCain, 23 would vote for Giuliani, 17 would vote for Mitt Rommney, 15 would vote for Mike Huckabee, and 1 would vote for none of the previously listed candidates," the news anchor said.

"I sure hope John McCain doesn't win," Mike sighed to himself. "I'd rather vote for Obama. I'm not wild about Hillary, but if Obama doesn't get the nomination, I'd vote for her."

Later in the evening, Mike heard the front door jerk open, which indicated that Archie had returned. He tiredly put away his hat and coat and became aggravated when he found that the Meathead was sitting in his favorite chair watching TV with nothing else better to do. "Get outta my chair, Meathead!" cried Archie.

Mike sighed, heaved himself out of Archie's chair, and prepared himself for what could possibly be another long argument with his father-in-law. "And what's this you're watching over here?" Archie asked as he eyed the television. "Oh, the elections. Well, you know who I'm voting for," Archie said confidently.

Mike sighed. "I could never guess…"

"John McCain!" Archie declared. He then walked over to his favorite chair and sighed in relief as he sank into it, letting the chair soothe all the pains and cramps that he had developed after a long, hard day's work on the loading dock.

"Arch, how could you vote for McCain?" Mike asked in disbelief. "He's in favor of the Iraq War, he doesn't support gay rights, and he favors lower taxes on the upper class. He'll be Dubya all over again!"

As Archie glanced over at Mike, his eyes grew wider in surprise. "What's wrong with that? George Dubya was a great president. And who do you support? Hellory Clinton or Barack Osama?"

"I think Obama would make a great president!" declared Mike.

Archie laughed his head off, while Mike looked very annoyed at Archie's reaction. "Last thing we need is a colored president. I can't believe that a colored guy like him can get so popular with the people."

"Maybe you just don't get it, Arch. Maybe the color of one's skin doesn't matter to anyone anymore except you," Mike said.

"I hate Barack Obama!" screeched Archie, his eyes full of immense hatred. "He's a terrorist in disguise, and damn it, I will not have a Muslim serve my country!"

"He's not a Muslim," laughed Mike, "and even if he was, so what? I think we need a little variety in religious viewpoints anyway."

"It's that kind of talk that's going to spread terrorism!" Archie roared, pointing his index finger firmly towards Mike.

"Obama is not a terrorist!" Mike cried. "I hate it how people like you are so close-minded about things like this!"

It was at that point that Edith and Gloria came in from the kitchen to stumble into Archie and Mike's debate.

"What are you guys arguing about now?" Gloria sighed.

"Your Pollack husband over there supports Barack Obama for president!" cried Archie. "He wants a Muslim terrorist for President of the United States! It's disgraceful!"

"Well, I dunno, Obama seems like a good candidate to me," Gloria said.

"See there, look what youse done!" Archie yelled at Mike. "You've brainwashed her into supporting a colored guy for president!"

"Okay, Arch, you've established that you don't like Obama because he's black and a Muslim. Anything else you don't like Obama while we're at it?" Mike said, obviously wanting to get the argument over with.

"Well sure, I got lots for ya, Meathead: he has done basically nothing to get so popular, he is inexperienced, he wants to get out of Iraq in a hurry even if things spiral out of control, and he only tells people what they want to hear, but in reality, he's no different than any other one of them corrupt politicians."

Mike and Gloria stared at each then for a minute, appearing very annoyed and doubtful of what Archie had said, and then, they laughed their heads off. "Arch, that's ridiculous!" cried Mike.

"To you it is! Youse one of those liberals! John McCain is one-hundred percent American, and I'd be damned proud to have him as president! The man's well experienced unlike Hussein Osama, and he's actually served in Vietnam and was even a prisoner of war. The guy knows a thing or two about war, Meathead, so if he says we should stay in Iraq for another hundred years if we have to, I say go for it! We need more people like him. He'll show the rest of you liberal losers the good ol'e what-for!" Archie declared.

"But Daddy, if we elect John McCain, we'll be bogged down in Iraq for who knows how long, and the economy will continue to get worse for working class guys like you. We'll see who's laughing when you get laid off and can't afford retirement!" Gloria challenged.

"Little goil, if we elect Obama, we might as well elect the Anti-Christ…because Obama is the Anti-Christ!" Archie declared firmly.

Mike laughed and replied, "Archie, you don't really believe in that stuff, do ya?"

"Sure I do! You'd be stupid not to believe it. I just hate it how all these clueless people walking around wanting to elect Obama just 'cause he's so popular without giving any other reason. Don't people ever think about where these candidates come from? I mean, think about it, Obama is practically a nobody in politics. He's done nothing out of the ordinary to get such massive popularity, and here he is – one of the most popular guys since Bill Clinton! I don't see anything to explain why he is so popular, and that, my Pollack friend, is dangerous. He very well could have his campaign funded by terrorists and criminals! Obama's just a candidate for people who want to vote for the popular guy…not the guy who will solve our problems!" Archie said.

"Oh yeah, you think John McCain's gonna do a better job?"

"I know so! And if John McCain doesn't get the nomination, I know that I'll be supporting good ol'e Mike Huckabee. He's just as great a president as McCain. He was a preacher and hell, the good man Chuck Norris himself endorsed him in that commercial, you saw it!"

"Chuck Norris is so stupid, how can you believe anything he says?" Mike said.

"Hey! How dare you talk low about Chuck that way! He's a good man!" Archie roared. At that point, Archie, Mike, and Gloria reached their boiling points, and all three started shouting and screeching at each other over McCain, Obama, Huckabee, and Chuck.

Edith tried to cut in with her own opinion on the matter. She tried to raise her voice above the shouting crowd and said, "Have you guys heard about Ron Paul? He sounds like a great candidate to me…he combines the best of both McCain and Obama. He's against the war in Iraq, he's against abortion, he's for the free market, and he supports gay rights. If only he were among the mainstream candidates, he could really do a lot of good for our country…"

Unfortunately, Archie, Mike, and Gloria didn't hear a word Edith said because they continued their argument, assuming that Edith was just going to tell another one of her world famous stories. She sighed and shrugged her shoulders and went back into the kitchen to get dinner. Archie, Mike, and Gloria got into one final shouting match before Edith called from the kitchen, "Dinner's ready!"

Archie, Mike, and Gloria abruptly stopped shouting and turned to the dinner table. "Oh good," Archie said. "'Bout time." Mike, Archie, and Gloria sat down at the table and waited for Edith. When she returned, she came back with a nice turkey dinner.

"Dig in!" she said. Everyone consumed the delicious turkey that Edith had prepared. By that point, they had forgotten all about politics and let the matter go for a while longer. At that point, they felt that it was silly to argue over politics and that it was better to try to get along despite their political differences. But once dinner was over, everyone was almost certain that another political argument would surface before the day was done.

The End