How To Torture/Embarrass Mello

How To Torture/Embarrass Mello.


Yeah, a plot bunny bit me. So sue me, the plot bunnies enjoy attacking me randomly for some reason…Just read it, okay? I hope it'll be longer than some of the other oneshots I've written…ah, might even make it an epic 3-shot! NO WAI!

Moving on…

There are true name spoilers in this. Be warned.


Matt was bored.

Okay, this wasn't anything new, as many of his days began (and ended) with him muttering or loudly proclaiming this fact.

He'd beaten all the games for his Playstation, pink DS, Gameboy, and had even dragged out his old Nintendo 64 only to groan in anguish at the fact that he'd beaten all of those games, too.

So what do you do when you're a fifteen-year old gamer with nothing to do?

Why, you go on a closet raid, of course.

So Matt hauled himself over to his and Mello's shared closet, inwardly thankful that the blonde was out doing something (in Mello's words, "something epic"). He opened the doors to be met by a landslide of stuff, toys, CDs, chocolate, DS styluses, more chocolate, clothes, more chocolate, costumes, and…a book?

Curious, he picked it up, noting the faded, handwritten cover and the crinkled pages- this poor book had been through a lot- and brought it over to his desk. With a title like this, he thought as he looked at the book's cover, It has to be good.

The title?

How To Torture/Embarrass Mihael Keehl.


Mello walked into a very strange scene, stopped, stared, took a bite out of his chocolate bar, and stared some more.

Matt wasn't playing DS. He wasn't playing any of his various electronic devices, for that matter. His goggles were up on his head, leaving brilliant green eyes free to see without a bothersome orange haze.

Matt was reading.

Not just reading, though. He was really into the book, with an intensity that Mello had only seen matched at a 5 a.m. calculus cramming session.

"Matt?" he asked tentatively, which was replied to by a single grunt.

This was weird.

Matt suddenly turned around, caught Mello's gaze, and grinned evilly, making Mello suddenly extremely nervous despite the fact that he could easily beat up Matt.

But the sudden change in atmosphere seemed to amplify his obviously impish grin, which in turn made Mello…just…plain…weirded…out.

He muttered a quick "Hungry for food" and got the hell out of there before Matt could pull another one of those grins.

He needed some more chocolate, he reasoned, looking down at his empty hand.


Matt was enjoying this.

He locked the door and read aloud to himself, "'This book will only take effect if you have the patience to try all the methods. You may also need the sheer physical and emotional strength needed to do all of the above tasks, some of which may take over three months. Do not attempt any stunts involving chocolate until the procedure of torturing is well underway. And if all else fails, shoot him a creepy glare.'"

The creepy glare he'd practiced had worked wonders on Mello, and he was beginning to think that the finding of this book wasn't just coincidence.

It was hitsuzen. (AN: xxxHolic ref! WOOT!)

He turned to the back of the book, to find if there was anything else that he could read (he'd read the entire thing cover to cover twice) and found a page with fill-in-the-blanks, for escapades done.

"Hm…" he muttered, unaware of a small, white-haired form shaking with laughter in the closet.


This was so incredibly smart that he couldn't think of why he hadn't done it before.

Near held in another guffaw that tried to burst out of his lips, shook for a minute, then groped desperately for a sock, which he shoved in his mouth.

He'd written the book as a joke and kept it on hand for no real reason, then had the great idea to plant it in Matt's closet as soon as he'd beaten all his games.

Then he'd take it out, use it, and Near could just sit back and enjoy the hilarity.

Life, he thought, crawling out of the closet and back to his room, is good.


Mello was pissed.

More than pissed, he was absolutely fuming.

Why the hell was he so intimidated by Matt? The bastard didn't even have the muscle to punch him in the gut, but for some reason he'd been freaked out-okay, terrified- of the slight gamer sitting in that office chair.

He banged the table with his fist, causing several small children to "eep" in fright. He knew what he was going to do. He was going to go in there, and beat the hell out of Matt.

But first, he needed some chocolate.

He stalked into his room, noting the absence of Matt, his DS, and that infernal book, and also noticing a small parcel on his bed.

There was a note tied to it, reading "Chocolate. Someone sent it to me. Eat it all, pls. Matt."

Mello eagerly ripped it open, grabbing a shiny wrapper and biting off a large chunk of the contents.

His first thought was Yum…

His second was WTF? These have…alcohol in them. Brandy. No, vodka. No…Rum? Yeah, rum or something. They're good, though. I mean, I can eat them, it's not like there's a lot of alcohol in these…

He was very wrong.

Three bars into the pack, his vision began to get a little woozy, and by his fifth, he was drunk as a dog.

This, conveniently, was when Matt walked in.



"…Whoa! Hey, Mells."

"Thiiiish chocholaate ish shpiiiked…"

"Yeah, I know. I didn't know you'd eat that much."




"You're sooo prettyyy."


Oookay then? Mello thinks I'm pretty? he thought, slowly edging away from the stoned boy.

No use, though.

Mello leaped up and tackled Matt to the ground, where he proceeded to try and kiss him, but only succeeded in getting drool all over Matt's face. Matt was wriggling like a caught fish, Mello was trying to calm him down in slurred syllables, and Near (in the closet again) was eagerly taping the scene to put on Youtube.

Of course, that was just when Roger came in to check on the kids.


"MELLO! I know you have urges, but don't molest your roommate!!"

"I was frickin' drunk, Roger."

"Don't swear." Thwack.


"Now how were you 'drunk'?"

"Matt gave me some spiked chocolate."

"…I find that very hard to believe. Chocolate these days, even alcoholic-filled, has a very low percent of alcohol."


"I presume you ate quite a few bars?"


"Well, it's your fault then. Five weeks of dishwashing duty for you, Mello."

"Damn old man…"

Thwack. "I told you NOT TO SWEAR. Now begone, rascals."


This is going exactly to plan, thought Matt as he watched Mello walk off to the kitchen in a huff.

Of course, he couldn't help but feel a little regret as Mello looked back with a puppy-eyed look. It was hard to go against his best friend, even to follow the instructions in the book. He didn't know where it'd come from, but it seemed like whoever wrote it really knew how to get under Mello's skin. And it was all written in such a self-centered tone…

Matt couldn't help but somewhat suspect Near.

He checked the next page of the book in question, chuckling at the last sentence. "Be patient. Mello is not. The more you refuse to get mad, the madder he gets."

So true, thought Matt, mentally patting the mysterious writer on the back.


Near rubbed his hands together in a very good imitation of a Puu-Puu bear. "This is going exactly according to plan!"

"What the hell are you doing, Near?"

"I am merely voicing my opinions verbally," he replied, lapsing back into "Emotionless Prodigy" mode.


Mello was pissed off.

No, not just pissed off. He was so angry that he'd have to listen to three straight hours of Death Cab for Cutie to calm him down. No, not Death Cab. Bjork. Yes, Bjork. That was calm, wasn't it?

He shook all music-related thoughts out of his head and focused on scrubbing the bejeezus out of a poor innocent pan, which was floating in a veritable ocean of soapy water.

Mello gritted his teeth in frustration. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Why was Matt suddenly not on his side? Usually he'd be right beside the angry leather-clad boy, but for once, Mello was alone. And Matt had led him to eat that chocolate.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to connect the dots that Matt was the culprit.

But Mello was a prodigy, and his agile mind immediately went to Near.

"Stupid sheepy all-white emo…" he muttered, beginning a fresh assault on the grime.


"MAIL JEEVAS," yelled Mello, stalking angrily into the room with a boombox on his shoulder. "GIVE ME YOUR DCFC CD."

Matt looked up lazily. "Wha?"

"CD. NOW."

"Okay, Mello. Jeezus."

Mello shot the disgruntled gamer a glare, which surprisingly seemed to have no effect. His eyebrows knitted in consternation, he leaned down to Matt's ear level and whispered, "I don't know what's gotten into you, Matt. But whatever it is, I don't like it. I think it smells like a certain white little fluffball otherwise known as Near."


Matt was staring at something over by the door, and Mello turned around…

…and saw L, standing there with a piece of cake in hand.

"Hello." he said, scratching one of his legs with his foot.

Mello and Matt practically tackled him with a flying hug. "L!!"


Near heard the merrymaking and poked his head into Mello's room. "L?"

"Hello, Near." replied the detective, who was currently being hugged in two directions, making a pose that would probably give most fangirls a nosebleed. "Come in, please."

He cautiously skittered in, and clung to L's arm like a limpet. "We missed you!" yelled Mello, who was practically lying on top of L's chest. Matt was clinging to L's other arm, curled up with his head on L's shoulder.

"Boys, could you get off of me for a few seconds? It's not uncomfortable or anything, but my back is rather stiff…"


"Okay, you can resume the hugging session on the bed."


Watari came in to a sleeping bundle of Mello, Matt, and Near, and L sitting in a chair biting his thumbnail. "They fell asleep," he stated unnecessarily, standing up.

A closer inspection of the sleeping trio revealed that Matt wasn't asleep at all, despite being used as a human mattress by Near.


So? You like? You hate?

Doesn't matter, leave a review or I'll have to smack you with a noodle. I mean the edible kind.

I need more ideas for Mello torturage, 'cos the plot bunnies didn't really help me with that aspect of the story.

Will there be shounen-ai?

It's up to you guys. Yes, you, reader. Review this, ask for fluff ('cos my inner yaoi fangirl cannot do lemons), ask for more anti-Mello, Near, or (heaven forbid!) Matt… I'll even add Light in here if you ask nicely and give me some Pocky.

I love Pocky.

So, authoress rant over…