Alright guys, I am extremely sorry for the hiatus, but I figured it's about time I finish this story. Thank you all for the reviews/favourites/author alerts; it's very kind of you. I think this may be the last thing I'm going to submit here- if you want to see my poetry and maybe other fanfictions, please check out my dA, DameOfMaracas.

Forgive me if some of the events don't make sense, I'm rather rusty with Death Note. But here goes: the last chapter of How to Torture Mello. Enjoy.


The next day, Mello was woken by a dripping-wet Matt, goggles and all, yelling something to the effect of "THE NEXT SUPER SMASH BROTHERS CAME OUT!" This did not bode well for Mello's mental health, and being half-asleep and deprived of chocolate, he punched Matt off of his bed and went back to sleep.


So Matt, dejected, crawled/slinked back to Near's room and proceeded to whine about it. "Neeeeaaarrr!!" he whined, slamming the door behind him and sending one of the albino's many stuffed animals falling to the floor.

Near sat bolt upright in bed. WHAT. IS. GOING. ON, he thought, staring at Matt with wide eyes.

"Near?" repeated Matt, not quite as whiney as before. Near continued staring, making Matt more than a little uncomfortable. "Uh can you stop that please?"

"What are you doing in my room?" he finally forced through his lips, eyes still wide open, black irises shining darkly.

Matt said nothing.

Near said nothing.

This continued for at least ten minutes before Roger knocked loudly on the door and screamed "WAAKKKEE UP OR THE DAY WIILL SEIZE YOOUUUU!!!" This seemed to bring Near back to sanity, as he suddenly broke his spellbound stare and told Matt,

"Let's put pudding in Mello's shoes."

Matt was pleasantly surprised. "Man, you must be telepathic or something."

"Nah, just good deductive skills. Plus you have a huge bruise on your cheek. I figured."

"TO THE KITCHEN!" Matt yelled, grabbing the petit genius and forcibly schlepping him out of the room.


L was having quite a nice morning. He'd put the events of the last couple days behind him, and was much the better for it- no more thoughts about crazy extremely smart children careening around in Beyond's wing- but some things were still bothering him.

The main thing was sitting in front of him, enjoying a cappuccino.

"How can you stand to drink that without sugar?" L asked the brunette, who was happily slurping away. The brunette in question briefly withdrew from the cup and shrugged with a steamed-milk mustache before going back to his caffeinated delight.

L sighed. I will never understand him…even after-

There was a loud crash followed by an enraged yell from downstairs.

L's eye began to twitch.


"OH MY GAWD MATT, I AM GOING TO KILL YOUUUUU!" screamed Mello, hair flying behind him as he speeded down the corridor, leaving a trail of pudding as he went. Those bastards! he thought, angrily kicking off a shoe as he ran. I was defenseless! Asleep! And they went and put PUDDING in my SHOES! VANILLA PUDDING!

The mere thought of this horror enraged him even more, until he was practically flying down the hallway screaming bloody murder.

Then he saw Matt running across the common room, and the last little thread holding Mello's sanity broke. He roared (not unlike a lion, to be honest) and lunged for the unfortunate gamer, who squealed like a stuck pig and wriggled like mad.

They paused for a second.

And registered what position they were in- Mello was pinning Matt down, holding his arms to the floor and sitting on his stomach.

He turned a bright red, as did the gamer below him, and both began to sputter little excuses-

"uh uh sorry uh uh"

"erm uh it's not your fault, um"

-until Mello's brain finally kicked in and he shot off of Matt and ran straight out the double doors behind him.

Matt looked after him in a bit of a daze. Hot.


It was lunchtime when Near decided it might be safe to venture out of his hidey-hole. He'd been hiding in a broom closet for almost two hours, afraid of facing one very angry Mello.

He got up and opened the door carefully, checking both ways before gingerly tiptoeing out. He went equally slowly to the dining room, joined the queue, and was about to relax a little when he heard a very familiar voice behind him.

"Hi Near."

Near's shoulders shot up to his ears. He turned around slowly and was greeted by a blast of warm chocolaty breath in his face.

"Uh, hello."

Mello regarded him oddly for a minute, then seemed to dismiss whatever he was thinking of and pointed in front of Near. "Uh, you're next."

"Right!" the albino replied, relieved. He ordered, got his tray, and found Matt sitting at one of the tables idly making little sentences out of alphabet noodles. "Hello, Matt."

"Oh hey, Near." the gamer replied, moving a rapidly disintegrating M out of the cup he had in front of him. "So. We have to get ready for the karaoke thingy, y'know."

"We're actually doing it?"

"Uh, did anyone say anything different?"

"Well no, but-"

Matt stood up. "NO BUTS. Except for Mello's."

Near stared at him for a few seconds, speechless. "Did you really-"

"Yes, yes I did. Deal with the mental scarring. Anyway, I have notified my…uh, connections…about the need for a karaoke machine. And they have delivered!"

"That's great," replied Near flatly.

"Man, you're just unexcited because you haven't seen it yet! It's awesome!"

"Matt, karaoke machines are not that exciting."

"Near, you're dead."

The albino jumped at Mello's voice, and slowly turned around to find a pudding-covered shoe dangling three inches from his nose. "And-and why would that be?" he shakily stuttered, thinking about sinking slowly into the ground.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you put PUDDING in my SHOES?" And he lunged for Near.

Near slid under the table and popped up on the other side, then tried in vain to sprint across the room. It didn't work for a few reasons- 1: he was slower than Mello; and 2: he was wearing big woolen socks that slid wildly on the marble floor.

Mello grabbed his collar and yanked him back, making Near slide and hit Mello square in the chest. "Gah!" the blonde yelled, falling backwards onto his bum and taking Near with him.

Which proved to be a bad idea, as Near's hipbone landed right on Mello's man-bits. He let out a girlish squeal and immediately let go of Near, who got up and let Mello go into the fetal position to curse his misfortune.

Matt began to laugh.


L eased himself lazily down the stairs from his suite, stretched, and yawned. It had been a good day, Raito had finally realized L was into him and they'd…well, you know. He felt tingly and relaxed now, and as he turned the corner it took him a few minutes to realize what was going on.

Mello and Matt were hoisting a big electronic box of some sort into their room while Near followed after them with a bag of multicolored cables. There was a giant cardboard box outside their room as well, and L was almost afraid to ask what was inside. "Uh, boys?" he said, sticking his hedgehoggy head into their room and finding a worse mess than usual, "What's going on?"

From somewhere behind a bed Matt's voice came, muted: "Karaoke."

L blinked, confused. "But why tonight? There's nothing to celebrate."

Mello popped his head out from behind the box they'd brought in, which had turned out to be the karaoke machine minus the display. "Well why not? You can join us, L."

The detective pondered the possibilities for a moment before shrugging and replying "Alright, I suppose you can go on with it."

Two hands materialized from the mess and highfived each other. "YES."


By six, they'd dragged the cardboard box (which turned out to be a TV) inside their room and (with the help of the instruction manual, which Mello read in three languages) hooked everything up.

"Alright guys! Good job!" said Matt, giving the other two a thumbs up and a giant smile. They both looked at him blankly.

"Uh…popcorn?" suggested Near, and Mello nodded, then picked the other two up and carried them bodily to the kitchen.


When L next came down to the "dastardly duo"'s room, he found a line of orphans trying to squoosh their way into the already crowded space. L carefully edged in, just in time to catch the beginning of the next song.

Near was standing on an improvised stage made out of the cardboard box, holding a microphone up to his chin, and waiting for the TV on the opposite side of the room to start displaying lyrics.

The song was vaguely familiar to L- he seemed to remember hearing it when he was little- and he turned to see the lyrics as Near sang them, nervously twirling one finger in his hair.

He sang:

"I love myself, I want you to love me- When I go down, I want you above me;

I search myself, I want you to find me, I predict myself- I want you to remind me…"

L's face suddenly blanked as he realized what song, exactly, Near was singing.

I Touch Myself.

"HEY!" he yelled, climbing up beside Near and searching for a button to stop the music. "Guys, this is inappropriate!"

Near continued on, singing in his little husky voice "I touch myself, I want you to touch me…"

And finally L found the plug.

"H-hey!" Mello and Matt yelled simultaneously, running up through the crowd that was forming. "L!"

The detective in question turned to face the duo. "That's an inappropriate song, boys. You know that."

"Well yeah…uh, can you maybe ignore this little incident if we let you sing a song?"

L's face lit up with a light Mello and Matt had never seen. "Sure!"


"You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes-

yeah, you PMS like a…uh…beach- I would know

yeah you, always think, always speak cryptically

I should know that you're no gooood for meeeeeee-!"

L was pretty much dancing as he sang, and as the song moved into the chorus Raito pushed his way into the throng of orphans staring spellbound at their idol.

"'Cos you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up and you're down…"

When L looked down into the audience staring at him and found Raito smiling brightly at him without a hint of Kira-maliciousness in his gaze, L found his analytical mind thinking Down fifty percent.


After all the orphans had had their fill of singing questionably correct lyrics at the top of their lungs, L decreed that it was bedtime and delegated all the kids back to their rooms. Mello sighed, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. Near and Matt had solemnly sworn during L's song that they wouldn't prank Mello anymore (well, for a while at least), and Mello was actually somewhat missing the prankage. Maybe I'm a masochist or something, he thought, turning on his side-

-and coming face-to-face with Matt.

"Hey," the redhead started, ruffling his hair with one hand (Mello thought I'm so close I can see his freckles!) and kind of looking at a loss for words. He looked down at his front, then up at Mello's eyes, then back down, and then finally seemed to win a mental battle. He leaned forward and kissed Mello full on the lips, Mello's eyes flipping open and then shut.

Thanks, Matt, he thought with a kind of small sigh.


Meanwhile, Near opened the door to his room resignedly, put on a new pair of fuzzy socks, and was about to go to sleep when he noticed a black notebook on his dresser. He pulled himself off of the bed and padded over to it, then slid the notebook off its perch and read the title to himself.

"How to Torture…Mihael Keehl…?"

His eyes grew wide as he flipped through it. Perhaps Raito was a little bit of a genius after all, he thought cunningly as he placed the book back onto the dresser and went to sleep.




Thanks everyone for the support and the overwhelming number of suggestions. I hope I didn't end it too inexplicably for you guys- again, haven't been writing fanfiction for a long while, so I'm rusty.

Keep writing, keep supporting, keep reviewing. I'll see you guys on dA.