Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Harry Potter world. No, I don't own Harry Potter or any other characters, surprising though that may be. JK Rowling owns the characters – I'm simply expanding on what she provides.
Summary: Harry is given a diary by Dumbledore and when he writes in it he receives an unexpected response. His correspondent learns of Harry's less than suitable living conditions and an unlikely bond is formed. Abused!Harry, DrugAddict!Harry.
Warnings: Swearing, drug abuse, references to child abuse, references to sexual abuse/rape.
July 13th - 11.06pm
Thanks for the diary, Dumbledore. You're a fucking champ. It's just what I need. It's like Tom Riddle all over again. Not really sure how a stupid fucking diary is supposed to help me, though. A sword would be of more use to me now. Or better yet, a ticket out of this hell-hole.
But my welfare doesn't mean shit to you, does it? As long as I am around to be a pawn in your slightly deadly game of chess, then who cares what happens in the meantime, right? Who cares what needs to be sacrificed? Don't worry Dumbles, I have every intention of killing off old Voldie for you, but we both know I'll fall with him. My life doesn't matter though. All for the greater good, of course.
What a joke. I'm sick of this shit. So much for blood-fucking-protection. Fuck you and your so-called 'good intentions'. Your blood protection won't mean shit when I'm not here to kill of the Dark Lord, will it?
I know that you know what goes on in this god-forsaken place. I know that you know what I go through. I know that you know what he does to me. It builds character, right? Makes me strong enough to kill. That's all I'm good for in your eyes, after all. Just a tool to do your bidding. I don't want to kill.
But it's okay, I've come to terms with it. I have to do it. Apparently I'm the only one who can. Doesn't give much hope to the wizarding world really, does it? I'm gonna fucking kill him though. He's ruined my life and my friend's lives. And for that, I'm gonna destroy him.
You should send one of your aurors to check on me now, Dumbledore. That would be funny if it wasn't so damn sad. Preferably one trained extensively in the healing arts. Poppy would be okay, actually. She'd at least get me part-way fixed up. Or, perhaps, Moody – at least he would be more than willing to knock off my "loving family". I could think of some others that might do the same. If they only knew...
Not Remus, though. If he found out what happens here… Gods, he would hate me. He would be so disgusted, and so sickened. He can never know how filthy and broken and weak I really am. He has enough to deal with, anyway. He doesn't need another burden.
Send Tonks, or Kingsley. Hell, I'd even welcome Snape right now! I'm sick of this shit every fucking day. It's getting ridiculous. I think I'm broken enough. I'll do your bidding, Dumbledore. I promise I'll kill him.
This drug is the only thing keeping me sane right now, and my sanity is probably questionable. I don't know what I'll do at the end of the summer. How will I cope at Hogwarts without shooting up every few hours? It's only been about half a day since my last hit and I'm already craving the high. I'll never sleep tonight without another hit. Unless I'm unconscious - which is actually quite probable. Merlin, I hate this place. Get me out.
July 14th - 3:07am
I wasn't wrong. He was bad, tonight. Thank fuck I took something to take my mind away before he came in here. At least with the drug I can pretend it's not happening.
It was later than usual, tonight. He'd been out drinking - never a good sign for me. Drinking makes him angrier. But at least the alcohol slows him down and makes him leave quicker. The sick fuck made it clear that I'm gonna get it worse when he's more able. I don't know whether I should consider myself lucky? I wonder if I'll wake up tomorrow?
July 14th – 10.12am
I should have been much more suspicious when the headmaster gave me this diary so many years ago: he's always meddling in the affairs of others. And no doubt he is always thinking that he is doing the right thing. Had I known that this was, in fact, a two-way diary linked to none other than our resident Golden Boy, I'm sure it would have been thrown back in his face without delay.
Though evidently, at the time he gave it two me, you did not have the twin. From your writing, this appears to be a more recent development. Needless to say, I had never written in here before now. And I never intended to. I did think it was odd at the time, though. The headmaster knows I'm not the type to write in a diary. He would have known it would remain on a bookshelf untouched. In fact, I'd forgotten he had even gifted it to me. So, to see it chiming and vibrating on my shelf was rather absurd.
I do wonder how this fits into his master plan. Why would he gift this to me, with no apparent twin and no mention of a twin, until many years later? By all accounts, it doesn't make sense. Though his plans rarely do. Perhaps he really is going barmy.
Not a bad entry, Mr. Potter. However, if you tone down the angst and vulgarity you may be surprised by the revelation that you can still convey your message. And, maybe, more eloquently than you would want to believe. But then again, perhaps I am holding you in much higher revere than you may amount to. You never were particularly articulate. Prove me wrong, Mr. Potter.
July 14th – 6.47pm
I am as surprised as you are to see my new diary (from Dumbledore, of course) chiming and vibrating on my bedside table. Good thing I got to it before anyone else noticed! I don't even want to imagine the consequences if that had happened.
It find it rather concerning, however, that you were so quickly able to assess my identity and conclude that I am, indeed, Harry Potter, while I am still at a loss as to your identity.
As you can see, I have stepped up the language in order to prove you wrong. However, keeping this up for an entire entry could be tiring. I will do my best. I've never been one to back down from a challenge.
Taking into account the implications of my diary being not-so-private, I will try to refrain from writing my innermost thoughts and feelings onto these pages as I had previously done. I guess I was under the impression that the headmaster thought I needed an outlet. And I was mistaken. Unless his plan is to bring us closer. Though, given that I do not know who you are, that seems unlikely.
And, if your chosen title for me – 'Golden Boy' – is anything to go by, I believe you are not a person I am particularly close with.
If I guess who you are, will you tell me? Or, will you continue this ruse, regardless? I do have a few suspicions, but I'll bide my time.
By the way, the Tom Riddle mention in the previous entry? That was purely coincidental – I did not actually expect this to be a two-way diary! Knowing what happened to Ginny at Hogwarts, I should be more careful. However, I have found that I really don't care anymore. Besides, I doubt the aforementioned headmaster would give me a diary linked to none other than his archenemy, unless he was unaware of such a thing. Which is possible, I guess, but unlikely. I may just be a pawn in this war, but I'm currently his most powerful pawn – he wouldn't let Voldie feed off me. He's too careful for that.
Your own entry was rather disappointing in length: only a few lines. In comparison to mine, anyway. But then again, you weren't planning to write anything at all, so I suppose it was more than expected. How is my level of vocabulary? Up to your standards? I'm running out of words.
I have a few questions on your identity, as you have me rather intrigued. I do not expect that you will answer them all, but a few clues would be appreciated:
1. What is you gender? I would guess male.
2. Do you go to Hogwarts? I assume you do, due to your chosen title for Albus Dumbledore.
3. How do you take you coffee? My guess is black with no sugar.
4. Are you afraid to say the dark lord's name out loud? I doubt this one.
5. Who are you? Wishful thinking that you may put me out of my misery?
For now, I bid you farewell. I have no idea when my next reply shall be as I am sure I will be tied up very shortly. Please do reply to me though: anything to keep my mind off of the present. Only 10 weeks until school is back…
July 14th - 10.20pm
Mr. Potter, although there was a vast improvement evident in your vocabulary, it still requires a considerable amount of refinement. For example, your word choice is poor at best. 'Nemesis' is a far better word than 'enemy' in this instance, and 'considering' would be more effective than 'taking into account'. It is, however, more than I had hoped for from the dismal likes of you.
I have deciphered what I believe to be the full meaning of the rest of your jumbled mess in order to answer your questions. Your handwriting leaves much to be desired. Are you using a muggle pen? It does not appear in the same way as ink from a quill should.
If you do happen to, by chance, deduce my identity then I may, perhaps, inform you of such a fact.
Also, as much as the headmaster is firmly entrenched on the side of the light, you should never trust anyone. Don't assume that the headmaster wouldn't give you a diary linked to the Dark Lord simply because he's fighting on the same side of the war as you. I'm sure he has implemented plans that appear far dafter than that in the naïve belief that he's doing what is best. He is not, however, infallible.
For fear of sounding like Alastor, you must always be cautious: constant vigilance.
As to the length of my entry; I shall write as much as I see fit, and you need not question me on it. You should consider yourself lucky that I'm even writing at all. I am a busy person.
1. You are correct in your assumption.
2. I suppose you could say that.
3. I prefer tea to coffee; however, on occasion I take it white, no sugar.
4. Fear does not factor into the equation.
5. Do not waste your ink.
As I conceded to answer your questions, I now require that you answer a few of mine. As I was, you may be vague in your answers if you do not wish to answer them in detail. However, the depth of my answers will reflect your own. If you provide me with ample information, I may return the favour in a similar form.
1. What muggle drugs are you taking, and why?
2. Do you think you will triumph over the Dark Lord?
3. Excluding quidditch injuries, have you ever broken a bone?
That is all for now: three simple questions. If you lie in your answers, Mr. Potter, I will simply lie in my own.
July 15th – 5.58am
Interesting answers, very interesting. I am quite sure that I have narrowed down my suspicions on your identity to a select few, however, I am still unsure. Firstly, as per your request, I shall answer your questions.
1. Herion, right now. Because I can, and because it feels good.
2. I do not see how a teenager can win against a deranged, power-hungry psycho.
Your questions were slightly odd. Why would you care about broken bones? Maybe not care, I guess, but why would you ask? And nobody has ever asked me if I think I will win, they just expect me to. I don't have a choice. I have to win. The first question was rather predictable, though. I can entirely understand that a wizard would not understand my need for drugs. I wouldn't expect you to understand it, whether I explain or not. It's not something I can put into words.
I'm using a muggle pen because I don't have access to my school stuff over the summer break. I apologise if you can't read my writing easily, it's because I'm shaking really badly right now.
I ran out of heroin yesterday and won't be able to get any more until later today, at least. I last shot up at about lunchtime yesterday, so it's been about eighteen hours. Can't believe how quickly things go downhill now that I'm addicted. My stomach is cramping and my bones hurt already. It's not unbearable, but it's pretty fucking terrible. This sucks. I can't write like this.
I have three quick questions before I curl up and try not to think about this fucking drug.
1. What house are you in at school?
2. Have you ever done muggle drugs?
3. What is your opinion of half bloods?
Merlin, what the fuck am I going to do when I have to go back to Hogwarts? I won't survive. That is, if I survive the summer in this house anyway.
Laughable, isn't it, that I can beat the darkest wizard of the age multiple times, but may not be able to survive a summer at home with my family? He came good on his threat, that's for sure. Tonight was bad. I guess that's why everything hurts so bad, too. No drugs to calm me down and make it better.
Fuck I need a shot.