So, after writing Madame D'Aulnoy, I couldn't help myself. I just had to write another crack-fic. So, here it is.
Naruto is not one for subtlety, so when he spots Sasuke, casually slurping sake at a roadside kiosk, he shouts, "YOU!"
Sasuke puts down his sake and tilts his head in the direction of the noise. Naruto sputters and marches into the kiosk, raising as much dirt as he can. He sits down decisively next to Sasuke, tries not to notice all the other customers leave, and tries even harder not to breathe in his own smell.
He reeks of frog guts because Gamabunto, for some unfathomable reason, decided to eat him again. It has been six months into Naruto's search for Sasuke, and the bloated frog had taken to eating him instead of the giant bugs he summons out of the Other World.
"Yes." Sasuke considers his sake, looks at Naruto, and turns to stare at the owner of the kiosk, who stares right back, a pitying look on his face. "Another shot, please. Of your strongest kind." He pauses. Then, "And keep them coming. This may take a while."
"AH!" Naruto yells. When Sasuke does not even flinch, he leans over, and aims all the powers of his vocal cords at Sasuke's ear canal. "AHHHH!"
Sasuke winces and moves his head away from Nruto's mouth. "Ah."
"HE'S DEAD, SO YOU CAN COME HOME NOW," Naruto continues to yell, because, really, he wasn't sure Sasuke was getting the picture here.
"Oh?" Sasuke shoots down another glass.
Naruto tries to scoff sarcastically, but it comes out as a cough. Totally uncool. So, he points an accusatory finger at Sasuke, and turns to the owner. "HE'S UNDERAGE YOU KNOW."
"Right." The owner looks between Naruto and Sasuke. "That's okay. He-he, ah, looks like he could use it." He scurries away before Naruto can understand that.
"WELL? YOU COMING OR-"
Sasuke stands and places a few coins on the counter. He has a pained expression on his face. Naruto suspects it might be the yelling. "After you."
"FINE. FOR THE RECORD," Naruto says, turning around and poking a finger viciously into Sasuke's chest, "I SO KICKED YOUR ASS."
Sasuke's homecoming involves, mostly, fighting off a lot of angry people. Sasuke wins every single fight, he doesn't really have to try hard, but when Tsunade comes at him-slugs, breasts, and all-Sasuke figures it's about time he apologize.
Sasuke starts calling Naruto "The Misses" behind his back two months after moving in with him. It was, in retrospect, akin to ritual suicide.
When Naruto finds out, he sits Sasuke down in the living room and yells about inane things (Are you calling me the Misses? And what is up with you and Neji using your freaky eyes tomeasure Tsunade's bust-Wait? ARE YOU LOOKING AT TSUNADE'S BUSTLINE, YOU PERVERT?) for a few minutes before pointing out that Sasuke has left his dirty clothes on the floor again, and if he does that one more time, Naruto'll set a hungry Gamabunta on him.
Sasuke nods understandingly and makes a note: No looking at Tsunade's bustline.
Three days later, after settling down on the sofa for the night, he gets eaten by a toad. He contemplates, inside the toad's stomach, the pros of doing the laundry the next day.
(He does the laundry the next day.)
Naruto wakes up extra-early to take extra-long showers. By the time Sasuke wakes up and realizes he is late for work again, there is no chance for him to get access to the bathroom and make the ANBU meeting on time.
Sasuke tactfully brings this up over a period of a week, and within no time, the bathroom door is open, giving Sasuke full access to his toothbrush.
The first time Sasuke walks in on a naked Naruto stepping happily out of the shower, he gets a nosebleed and spends the rest of the day on his back with a tissue up his nose.
Sasuke comes down with the flu after coming home from a vicious mission, and Naruto has to take care of him.
This mostly involves Naruto neurotically cleaning anything and everything that Sasuke touches and periodically yelling, "IS THAT YOUR SNOTTY TISSUE? BY GOD, IT IS YOUR SNOTTY TISSUE."
Sasuke does not mind, really, because even though Naruto is treating him like a living, breathing, six-foot-three-inch strain of the Bubonic Plague, there are a great number of perks.
For one, Sasuke no longer has to do the laundry ("IF YOU GET YOUR SNOT ON CLEAN CLOTHES I WILL HAVE TO FUMIGATE MY WARDROBE. I DO NOT WANT TO FUMIGATE MY WARDROBE"), and Naruto cooks the best chicken broth that Sasuke has ever tasted, save, of course, Sasuke's mother.
Sasuke tolerates Naruto's anger, well-concealed concern, and everything else in between without much of a fuss. But he is a man, so he gets back at Naruto in his own petty little way.
Sasuke drops the tissues he uses haphazardly on the floor because when Naruto cleans, picking up used tissues with a pair of tongs, Sasuke gets the best view of Naruto's ass since porn was invented.
One day, Sasuke decides that he has had enough of the lumpy couch, and sneaks into Naruto's bed. He manages to get a blissful fifteen minutes of sleep before Naruto wakes up and attempts to asphyxiate Sasuke using a pillow.
When Sasuke starts to turn purple, Naruto relents and asks, "YOU PERVERT, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
"The couch is too lumpy."
Naruto snaps his mouth shut at this, and abruptly falls onto his back. He is still for a minute or two before turning onto his side, grumbling under his breath about how if Sasuke snores, why I'm gonna-Naruto falls asleep.
Sasuke spends two or three hours meditating so that his mind does not wander, but the sounds of bed sheets sliding over Naruto's skin is too much for him to bear. So, in the middle of the night, Sasuke goes into the bathroom and wanks off.
He returns to the couch.
Naruto does not comment on Sasuke's sudden arrival and equally sudden departure from his bed until a few weeks later.
"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, ANYWAYS?"
"I have none," Sasuke says, and pokes his food viciously. Naruto falls silent before mumbling something about he really didn't mean to drive Sasuke away from the bedroom.
Sasuke looks up sharply. He considers his options, and decides that since he hasn't been much for subtlety or social finesse in the past, he should not start now. "Can we have sex?"
Naruto's face turns a brilliant shade of red. He opens and closes his mouth for a few times before throwing his food-plate, cup of steaming tea, and all-at Sasuke before stomping off.
Sasuke takes this as a no, and resigns himself to a stilted sex life and settles down on the couch for the night.
He wakes up, at around midnight, to an irked Naruto.
"WELL? ARE WE GOING TO DO IT OR-UMPH."
The day after-when Naruto forces Sasuke to fix the broken bed ("IT'S YOUR FAULT ANYWAYS, YOU OVERLY SEXED BASTARD")-Sasuke realizes that this might, in fact, be karma.
For being a bitch to Sakura, probably.
He is on his back, underneath the bed, tightening a screw when he hears the impatient tap-tap-tapping of Naruto's foot. He stares at it and wonders if it is wise to emerge from under the bed.
"YOU KNOW, WE COULD JUST GET A BIGGER BED OR SOMETHING."
Sasuke considers this. "Do I have to come shopping too?"
Naruto is silent. This is unusual, so Sasuke pokes his head out and sees that Naruto is blushing lightly. "I thought," Naruto begins. He catches Sasuke staring at him and abruptly turns up the volume.
"YOU LAZY BASTARD, YOU NEVER WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME. OF COURSE, YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX, BUT A LITTLE FURNITURE SHOPPING IS JUST ABSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION, ISN'T IT? OH, NARUTO, LET ME DO THIS TO YOU, OH, LET ME DO THAT TO YOU NARUTO, LET ME STICK MY THING HERE, NARUTO, BUT FURNITURE SHOPPING? UH HUH. THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS BECAUSE WE'RE NOT A NORMAL COUPLE. AND ALL YOU'RE HERE FOR IS THE SE-"
"Okay," Sasuke says, getting up. He dusts himself off and stares at Naruto because apparently, they are now a couple and couples-normal ones, anywyas-did this sort of thing. Apparently.
"IT'S GOING TO BE ORANGE, YOU KNOW," Naruto yells and stomps off in a fit of anger. Sasuke follows.
It isn't orange. But it is a queen-sized, solid oak bed. Sasuke doesn't remember much of the ordeal, except that at one point, the sales lady understood that this bed was for the both of them (it might have been when Naruto sat on one and said, "At least we can't break this one, Sasuke") and blushed so hard she had to go excuse herself.
When the bed arrives, Sasuke remembers that he has a duty to perform.
Later that night, on their new bed, Sasuke rests his head on Naruto's stomach and lets Naruto play with his hair. "I was wondering," Sasuke begins, and then doesn't finish his sentence.
Naruto is quiet and smiles a lot when he's in bed, which means that Sasuke doesn't get yelled at for not finishing his sentence. Instead, he gets, "What?"
Sasuke shifts his head and kisses the soft, smooth skin of Naruto's stomach. "You can't get pregnant, can you?"
The men at the bar sympathize with Sasuke when he shows up sporting a black eye.
"The Misses," Sasuke says, sitting down with a wince. He points at his face. "Got a little mad."
Lee tuts in pity and orders a round for Sasuke. "Tell me about it."
Kakashi stares at him. "You asked him if he could get pregnant."
Sasuke nods, sincere. "I don't understand why he's so upset. I mean, he kicked me out."
Kakashi looks at Iruka who looks equally dumbstruck. "You asked him-"
"Yes, yes, I know what I asked him, sensei," Sasuke snaps. He finishes the rest of his sake in one go. He's getting better at this entire drinking thing since moving in with Naruto.
"Why-" Iruka begins, but then says, "Sasuke, where you there when I explained sex to the class?"
"Yes, Iruka-sensei," Sasuke mumbles, "But if I sleep with a woman, Naruto's going to-" Sasuke pales, imagining the consequences of doing something like that. He needs an heir, to carry the sharingan, but he's starting to actually like Naruto, and at this rate-he remembers Gamabunta's insides. "Please tell me there's a jutsu or something."
There is no jutsu, so Sasuke resigns himself to having no children with the sharingan. This, he is certain, calls for an appropriate amount of angst.
So angst, he does. Which mostly consists of him getting drunk.
No children, he tells himself. No one to carry his bloodline. He was going to die out, go extinct (Kiba supplements at the bar), like an animal (that is Neji.) Sasuke lowers his head and stares into the depths of his sake. The Uchihas would be no more. And why was this?
Love (that is Lee.)
And sex (that is Kiba again.)
Exactly, Sasuke says, whining now. It all started when he was willing to die for the idiot.
They are the culprits, Sasuke says, slamming his cup into the counter. Because, somewhere between his first time seeing Naruto (when he was five, he saw a blonde at a ramen stand, making a fuss) and being dragged home by Naruto (when he was eighteen, at a sake stand), Sasuke got married.
"Tell your husband," says Kakashi one day, casually, "That his moping is getting in the way of his work."
Naruto sputters. "HUSBAND? WHOSE HUSBAND? HE'S NOT MY HUSBAND. MAYBE HE'S SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND-WHERE DID YOU GET-"
"He calls you the Misses, you know," Kakashi says, casual still, and then leaves.
"Your moping," Naruto says, voice low, eyes narrowed into slits, "Is affecting your work."
"I know," Sasuke whines. "It's just adding to everything. The cherry on top of the-"
Naruto rolls his eyes and smacks Sasuke upside the head. The bartender winces and gives Sasuke another cup. "When are you coming home?"
"Home," Sasuke repeats, forlorn. Since when did their dwelling become a home? Since when did Naruto ask him to come home? Since when did-
Shikamaru pats his shoulder sympathetically (the poor boy was married, and he didn't even know it, Shikamaru thinks), but moves quickly away when Naruto glowers at him. There is a five feet radius around them now, and no one dares to come near Naruto.
Naruto tries another tactic. "YOU!"
"Yes," Sasuke says.
"WE'RE MARRIED, OKAY? ACCEPT IT. YOU CAN COME HOME NOW."
Sasuke says, "Oh?" And orders another round. Married, he thinks. Married.
"ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?"
Sasuke stands, pained. He's married. He is also man enough to admit this and move on. He is an Uchiha, damnit. Uchihas do not get upset over unplanned marriages. He places a few coins on the counter. Naruto and Sasuke consider each other, until Naruto gets mad again.
Sasuke says, "Right," and follows Naruto out of the bar.
On the way home, Naruto establishes that he very definitely kicked Sasuke's ass just then.