I am so hyper right now. I hope you find at least one part of this funny. It's really just for Kyle, because I randomly gave him a summary of something someone could write on FanFiction and I pretty much gave him the summary to this. So now it's a story! And just so you know, the cranky and pubescent thing that Harry says is from Harry Potter Puppet Pals: Wizard Angst. Please review!
Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, was somehow asleep in his bed, not hearing Ron's very loud snores. It was a normal night, the full moon shining through the window, the Whomping Willow killing a bird who was dumb enough to sit on his branch. It was all normal until a voice came from the shadows. "Harry ..." It said, not waking him up. "Harry Potter ..." Harry finally woke up, a deep pain in his forehead. He rubbed the scar, wondering why it was burning. It only ever did this when ... Oh God. "Harry ..." The voice said, making Harry fall out of bed.
"Who's there?" He asked, trying to find his wand.
"Who do you think, dumbass?"
"Voldemort, is that you?"
"No, I'm the other ugly creepy snake-nosed thing that makes your head catch on fire." Harry had found his wand by now, lighting up the room with it. There was nothing there. "BOO!!" Voldemort had jumped out from under the bed, making Harry scream. "Gotcha," he said, jumping onto Harry's bed and lying down.
"Please, don't do that again. You made me go five octaves to high."
"Have you ever considered opera? I think they could use you."
"So ... How's it going?"
"Fine ... What's up with you?"
"Nothing ... I was just bored, so I decided to come visit. I had a fun time torturing all of the photos," Voldemort said with a grin.
"So did you come here to kill me?" Harry asked, sitting on the edge of Ron's bed.
"Nah ... I thought about it. I might ... But I just feel like having a good time for awhile."
"What'd you have in mind?"
"How the hell do you sleep with that tractor next to your bed?" He asked, motioning to Ron who was drooling over his pillow.
"You get used to it after awhile."
"Well I'm not used to it and I'm the only one that matters. Here, give me your wand." Voldemort got off the bed and took Harry's wand, poking it up Ron's nose.
"AHH!!" Ron yelled, jumping off the bed. He then saw Voldemort. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ron's scream was even higher than Harry's. So high, the windows started to crack.
"Oh, shut up you vile little girly thing!" Voldemort yelled, slapping Ron in the face. He stopped screaming instantly.
"Did you just hit me?"
"It's what I call a bitch-slap. Now go back to sleep."
"Okay," Ron said, climbing back into bed and going back to snoring.
"Now that kid ... I am sending to an audition for 'La Tua Cantante'. He'd be perfect."
"What's 'La Tua Cantante'?" Ron asked, sitting up.
"Musical about vampires. Go back to sleep." Ron lied back down again and went asleep this time.
"So, Harry Potter, what's one do for fun around here?"
"I don't know. You tell me, because that was pretty damn amusing."
"Can we go visit the little brown curly haired book bitch?"
"Hermione? Yeah of course." Harry led Voldemort to the Gryffindor ladies bedroom, and did not expect what was to come next. "Hermione," he said, shaking her lightly. "Hermione," he said a little louder. He wouldn't budge.
"Let me try," Voldemort said, pushing Harry to the side. "Hermione!" He shouted. It still didn't work. "Are all these freaks deaf or what?" None of the other girls had ever stirred. "Maybe this will work," he said, taking a revolver out of his pocket. He aimed it at Hermione and pulled the trigger.
"Why did you just do that?" Harry asked.
"DAMMIT!!" Voldemort threw the gun on the ground, causing it to go off and shoot a bullet straight threw Ginny's bed. "Oh hell ..."
"You just killed Hermione and Ginny. You bastard."
"I didn't mean to shoot red head number one, and I meant to wake up school nut and it didn't work."
"Shooting someone in the head puts them into a deeper sleep, dumbass."
"Did you just call me a dumbass?"
"No," Harry said, suddenly afraid. "I meant to say, um .." He couldn't think of anything.
"Ah, it's okay. I called you a dumbass, you call me one, we're even now."
"Okay, good," Harry said, smacking knuckles with Voldemort.
"Now, since it was a complete failure here, what else should we do?"
"You have no imagination, do you?"
"Of course I don't. I'm too busy feeling cranky and pubescent and taking it out on the ones I care about."
"Good point. Oooh!!" Voldemort yelled, clapping. "I saw some spray paint in a cupboard somewhere. I'm in a, you know, American Graffiti mood."
"What's American Graffitti?"
"A movie about cars. Doesn't actually have anything to do with drawing graffiti. Come on, let's go. I want to suffocate you with the fumes."
"Hey! I thought we were friends now!" Harry looked like he was about to cry, and that made Voldemort feel bad.
"Oh, I'm sorry scar face," he said, taking him into a hug. "I'll kill you after we spray paint the entire school."
"Okay," Harry said, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Let's go." They went hopping down the stairs, getting pissed off at the moving stairwells.
"COME ON!!" Voldemort yelled, getting very frustrated.
"Calm down, snakey. You just have to concentrate." They finally made their way to the janitors closest, where there were loads full of spray cans.
"I want pink!!" Voldemort yelled, grabbing the bright pink spray can.
"But I wanted that color!!"
"You can have lavender."
"Fine." They started spraying all over the walls in the hallway. Voldemort kept spraying pictures of kittens on spikes, while Harry sprayed nude pictures of Cho Chang. "Take that bitch," he said. "That's what you get for breaking my heart."
"Ahhh, young love and hate. I love soap operas."
"What do soap operas have to do with Cho and I!?"
"It's something they would do on Days of Our Lives, trust me."
"I watched that the other day. That John guy still can't act."
"I know. When he did the karate punch, I had to go kill him. Literally. I asked if I could play him now, and they said I was too ugly. So I killed them too. Hollywood bitches."
"I bet it's nice just to do whatever you like."
"Except I never get to kill you and I've been wanting to do that for years."
"Yeah, well, life's a bitch and then you die."
"I think you got two expressions mixed up there."
"Moron," Voldemort said, officially frustrating Harry, who decided that he would look better with a lavender snake face. "HEY!!" He yelled, spraying Harry with a nice coat of pink.
"This stuff is toxic, dumbass!!" Harry yelled, coughing.
"I KNOW!! You think I want it in my face?!" Harry, who was getting even more pissed, sprayed Voldemort again, who sprayed back, chasing Harry out of the school doors. They went running throughout the forest, spraying each other, spraying a few centaurs who got in the way, and a lot of spiders who tried to eat them. The forest became a lot more colorful. "I'm gonna get you!!" Voldemort yelled, running after Harry who had gotten ahead. Harry decided to take a breathing pause, since Voldemort was officially no where in sight.
"You scared, snakey?" Harry yelled.
"No!" Voldemort appeared out of no where, spraying a layer of pink paint on Harry's face, making him have a cough attack. He was coughing so hard that he fell to the ground.
"Okay," he said, holding up the spray can in surrender. Voldemort took it, laughing and dancing around and spraying the ground pink and lavender. Suddenly there was a loud noise, making both of them look up. They were right next to the Whomping Willow who was moving around. "AAHHH!!" Harry screamed in his opera voice again.
"Oh come on ... It's just a tree."
"A tree that has killed more birds than the best bird hunter ever will!!"
"I dare you to wrestle him. Or her. What gender are you?" The tree just swung it's branches. "Male, most definitely."
"I am not going to wrestle him."
"I double dare you."
"I triple dog dare you." Oh no. How would Harry deny that?
"Fine," Harry said, standing up. He walked towards the tree and jumped onto one of the branches. He kicked and punched at the branch and others, doing very well. Until four branches got a hold of his legs and arms and tore him into a four little Harry Potter souvenirs.
"Harry?" Voldemort asked, in disbelief and sadness. His new friend had just died. His enemy had just died. "Harry Potter's dead?" Now the happiness came on. "He's dead!! DEAD DEAD DEAD!! YAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!" Voldemort was so happy. He danced around, singing a new song he created called 'The Bastard's Dead' and sprayed paint everywhere, inhaling it in and realizing that he was getting high off of it. "This is the greatest day of my life!!" He yelled. But, something grabbed him from behind, yanking him up into the air. He had danced a little to close to the tree, and was now getting swung around on the branches. But he didn't care. He was too happy and high on fumes to care. And then, four branches grabbed his arms and legs. He finally realized what was going to happen. "Shit," he yelped. This would have become known as Voldemort's famous last word, but no one was there to here it. And the next morning, the school was in a total funk. Ron wouldn't stop snoring for some reason. Hermione was shot, and so was Ginny. Cho was upset about the nude pictures of her. The janitor was upset because his cat killed himself after looking at the kitten on spikes picture. The spiders of the forest and the centaurs were all jumping up and down and hugging because they were high on paint fumes. Some of the ground was pink and lavender. Harry Potter and Voldemort were in pieces in the forest. But after all the confusement and sadness, people were able to cope. They just got high on paint fumes to make themselves feel better.