Walt Disney Pictures presents…
…from Jim Henson Productions…
…an adaption of a Brian Henson film…
Comic Treasure Island
Starring Tim Curry as Long John Silver
With Snoopy as Captain Smollett
Calvin and Hobbes as themselves
With Billy Connolly as Billy Bones
And Jennifer Saunders as Mrs. Bluberidge
"I was Flint's first mate that voyage," Billy Bones said. "Three days east of Tortola in the Caribie. Flint knew an island. That's where we buried the treasure. Gold and blood; they were Flint's trademarks. He'd leave both behind him that day. Oh aye. Fifteen men went ashore that day, and only Flint, his own self, returned."
Billy threw some rum on the fire that burned nearby.
"Oh aye, and then old Flinty! Up and died before he could get back to the cursed island and dig up the treasure. No one knows to this day who has Flint's map. Now isn't that a story worth a-hearin'?"
The sailors at the bar sighed.
"It was the first dozen times we heard it," one of them muttered.
"I'll drink to that!" said another.
"But who has the map now?" Billy went on, taking a seat. "Some black-hearted squid-suckin' buccaneer? Or maybe it's our very own…Jim Hawkins! Hey, Jimmy?"
A boy with messy hair came walking down through the bar with empty mugs and glasses.
"If I had it, me and my friends wouldn't be serving you rum, Mr Bones," he said.
Then a boy and a tiger followed him.
"That's right!" said Calvin. "We'd be out searching for that treasure! We'd be out on the seven seas on a five year mission bolding going where no man has gone before!"
"Catchy," said Hobbes. "As for me, I just reexamined Mr Bones' last sentence: did he say squid-sucking?"
Calvin and Hobbes handed Billy his food.
"Hey, you gonna eat all that?" asked Hobbes, eyeing it.
"Aye!" shouted Billy. "Beware the one-legged man! He's the one to fear!"
"Don't worry, Captain. We'll watch for him," said Jim.
"Yeah, no one-legger is gonna find his way in here!" said Calvin.
Billy hit Calvin over the head with a pitcher.
"Even ol' Flinty feared him!" Billy went on. "If he comes around here, you run from me whippety quick!"
"If we see him, we'll tell you," Jim said, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, sure," said Hobbes. "One leg, two heads, couple dozen noses…," he said. "And by the way: do you suck squid?"
Billy reeled Hobbes in by his tail.
"This is no jokin' matter, Stripes!" Billy growled. "The one-legged man brings death!"
And he shoved Hobbes away, who crashed into Calvin, and they both fell to the floor.
Just then a gigantic woman waddled in from the kitchen.
"All right, gentlemen!" she shouted. "Closing time! Pay your bills and shove off! Go on! Out ya go!"
As she moved she kept bumping into stuff, and soon garbage piled up behind her.
"Boys!" she shouted. "How does this place get to become such a pigsty?"
Calvin and Hobbes hopped to it.
"Here's to you, boys," said Billy, getting up.
The old sailor handed Jim, Calvin and Hobbes some money.
"I'll go wait in my room," he said, and he left.
"Thanks, Mr Bones," said the three boys.
After Billy Bones went up to his room and the sailors were gone, Mrs. Bluberidge started shouting at the three boys.
"All right, boys!" she said, blowing the candle out. "When you finish here, you can go clean up in the kitchen. I left some table scraps for your supper."
She started up the stairs, stopped, and then faced them again.
"Oh, and boys…LAST NIGHT YOU FORGOT TO PUT OUT THE LANTERN! IF YOU FORGET AGAIN THERE WILL BE NO TABLE SCRAPS FOR A WEEK! BAH!"
And she stomped up the stairs, shaking the whole building.
Calvin and Hobbes groaned.
Jim, Calvin and Hobbes piled up outside.
Jim was on the bottom, Hobbes was in the middle, and Calvin was on top.
They were trying to put out the lantern.
"I hate my life," said Jim.
"I hate your life too," said Calvin.
"If I had a life, I'd hate it," said Hobbes.
"I should just run off to sea like my father did," Jim continued. "He was my age when we sailed to China as a cabin boy, and he wound up first mate!"
"Run off to sea and leave us here?" Calvin asked. "What kind of friend are you?"
"Yeah, I think everybody would be upset if you left!" agreed Hobbes.
"Who's everybody?" asked Jim. "I'm an orphan. I've got no family."
Calvin gasped. "Hey, I'm hurt! We're your family!"
"Yeah," said Hobbes. "We may not be blood-related…or related at all, but we act like a family!"
Finally, Calvin was able to blow out the lantern, and just at that moment, Jim slipped.
Calvin and Hobbes came a-tumblin' down.
"WHOA!" they screamed.
Once Jim helped them up, he said, "Be serious, Hobbes. We don't exactly look alike."
"Fine, fine," said Hobbes. "So I'm a tiger and you two are humans. And don't think I don't feel sorry for you."
"But we're still family!"
"Yeah, but I wish my life were more like one of Captain Bones' adventures," Jim complained. "Sailing the high seas and searching for buried treasure!"
"Yeah!" said Calvin. "Discovering lost islands and weird civilizations."
"Navigating with my father's old compass to wherever the wind may take us!" Jim continued.
"Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"To the southwest, pirate galleons!" said Jim.
"To the southeast, multi-armed Zanzibaneon short women with their exploding wigs of death!" said Calvin.
Jim and Hobbes stared at him.
"TO THE NORTHWEST, DIRTY DISHES!" shouted Mrs. Bluberidge.
Jim, Calvin and Hobbes whirled around.
No one was in sight.
"How does she do that?" asked Calvin.
"Might as well start," he said. "I'll wash."
"I'll dry," said Hobbes.
"I'll break," said Calvin.
Back in the house, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes finished cleaning the bar and kitchen when suddenly Billy Bones came stomping downstairs and shouting.
"Rum!" he yelled. "I need rum, lads! I got the horrors! Gimme rum! Rum till I float!"
And he smashed some wine bottles with his sword.
"Hey, we just cleaned there!" said Calvin.
Hobbes grabbed him, and they dove under a table to be safe.
Jim calmed down Billy Bones.
"All right, all right!" he said. "Just one small one!"
"DON'T BE GIVING HIM ANY MORE RUM!" shouted Mrs. Bluberidge.
"How does she bloody do that?" wondered Billy.
Calvin and Hobbes shrugged.
Suddenly, they heard a faint noise.
"Shh!" hissed Billy.
Billy, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes glanced at the door.
They saw a shadow under it the crack.
They heard a stick tapping the cobblestones outside.
Then there was a knock on the door.
Jim approached it with caution.
Billy kept his distance.
Calvin and Hobbes hid under the table.
Jim opened it and revealed…
…a strange-looking man wearing eye patches, holding a cane and wearing torn clothes.
"HA, HA, HA, HA! BILLY BONES! IT'S ME! Blind…Wally!"
Jim glanced at Billy.
Billy looked creeped out.
"I know you're here, Billy!" Wally said.
He walked in…and tripped over a loose floorboard.
"You sniveling coward!"
Calvin and Hobbes observed.
"It's some kind of a blind fiend," said Hobbes.
"Looks more like some guy who works in a cubicle to me," said Calvin.
Billy was trying hard to get them to hush.
"Ha!" said Wally. "I heard that! There's someone here."
Blind Wally turned to the right…and rammed into a shelf of bottles.
"No," he said.
Then he turned to the left.
He swung his cane at Jim and almost hit a few teeth out.
Billy signed for Jim to keep quiet.
"Hmmm," said Wally. "Over here?"
Wally put his hands out and grabbed…a decapitated moose.
"Ho, ho, ho!" he shouted. "Billy Bones! I'd know that sourly mug of yours anywhere!"
Jim took a chance.
"Excuse me, sir, but the bar is clo—!"
Jim was grabbed and held over the head by Wally.
"AH-HA!" shouted Wally. "A pretty little girl, eh? Yes, take me to Billy Bones, my pet!"
Billy pulled out his gun.
"You've come to the wrong place," said Jim nervously. "There's no Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl!"
But Wally was having none of it.
"I may be visually challenged, but I can see you're lying."
Billy's gun clicked as he prepared to fire.
Wally's acute hearing picked it up.
He shoved Jim out of harm's way, flipped over some chairs, and smacked Billy's hand with his cane, redirecting the blast.
"Good evening, Bill," said Blind Wally. "I know it's you. Yes, you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Just take it all for yourself and leave your shipmates with nothing. We're not pleased with that, Bill. Not at all. We want you…to have THIS!!"
Wally slapped a piece of paper into the Billy's hand.
Then he turned and laughed…only to crash into the table that Calvin and Hobbes were hiding under.
After a while, Blind Wally made it to the door and walked away, laughing evilly.
Jim closed the door.
Calvin and Hobbes came out from under the table.
They all stared at Billy Bones, whose hand was shaking as he stared at the tiny piece of paper.
It had a black spot on it.
Calvin raised an eyebrow.
Finally, Billy spoke.
"The Black Spot! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" he screamed.
Billy, Jim, Calvin and Hobbes ran up to Billy's room, and Billy frantically started to pack.
"But I don't understand!" said Jim. "What is that Black Spot?"
"The Black Spot's a pirate's death sentence!" Billy said frantically as he loaded his suitcase.
"Eep!" gasped Hobbes.
"Huh," said Calvin. "Smooth."
"They'll be coming to kill me!" Billy went on. "Tonight!"
Calvin and Hobbes gasped and then started to help load up the suitcase.
"Let's hit the road!" Calvin said.
"It's me old sea chest those lubbers are after!" Billy shouted.
Calvin tossed in a book. "Huh. I thought this wouldn't be published until 1981," he said, looking at the title.
"But I'll trick them!" Billy continued. "I'll shake them on another reef and battle them again!"
Calvin and Hobbes halted and stared at him.
"Uhhhh…," said Hobbes. "Care to repeat that?"
"IT'S MINE!" Billy shouted. "I'M GOING AFTER THAT TREASURE MYSELF! AND NO ONE-LEGGED SON OF A BILDRAT WILL—AUGH! ACK! WHOA, WACK! AAH!"
And he passed out on the bed.
"Captain Bones!" gasped Jim.
They all ran to him.
There was a brief silence.
"Can I have his dinner?" asked Hobbes.
But just then, Billy came back.
He grabbed Calvin and pulled him in close.
"Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim," Billy moaned. "You've always been a decent sort to ol' Billy Bones."
"But I'm not Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim," said Calvin. "He's Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim."
So Billy shoved Calvin into Hobbes, and then he pulled Jim down.
"Jimmy-Jim, Jimmy-Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim?"
"Yes, captain? What is it?"
"Take the map!"
"THE MAP TO OLD FLINT'S TREASURE! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YA? I WAS FLINTY'S FIRST MATE! WE ALL WERE! BLIND WALLY AND ME!" Billy hollered.
Calvin and Hobbes gasped.
"Oh, my old shipmates! They'll gully me and anybody else to get their mitts on that map!" Billy continued.
"And gullying hurts, right?" asked Hobbes.
"Oh aye! A lot!"
"So quick! Get to my sea chest! Get the map!"
Calvin, Hobbes and Jim dove into the chest.
"Let's see…," said Calvin. "Underwear, Dan Carnegie course…"
Hobbes found a pair of gag teeth and a bowling ball.
But Jim found a slightly torn rolled up sheet of paper.
He opened it and gasped.
"It is a treasure map!" Jim breathed.
"We're gonna be rich!" said Calvin.
"We're gonna be dead!" corrected Hobbes.
"Beware, lads!" warned Billy. "Beware!"
"Of what? The one-legged man?" asked Jim.
"Aye. But also: beware running with scissors or any other pointy objects! It's all good fun until someone looses a—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
And poor Billy Bones died.