Super Ninja Ed vs. Chuck the Norris
Rating: NC-Crack!fic or ermm PG-BringASenseofHumour or or PG-13!
Summary: When Chuck-God threatens to invade Narnia, Jesus-Lion calls upon Super Ninja Ed to save it!
Warnings: It's a crack!fic. It's cheeky, smartass, and likely to offend anyone without a sense of humour.
Author's Notes: CRACK!FIC I do not know God or Jesus-Lion. I wish I knew Edmund. Do not take offense to this, unless you really must. Also, please comment me if you love me, but if you don't, then boo for me! Don't read if you are easily offended.
Super Ninja Ed vs. Chuck the Norris
One day God looked in the mirror and said to himself, "Chuck, you have conquered the world. Canada and Mexico have been officially named the Ass and Hole of America. Paris Hilton has won the Nobel Prize for the Intelligenz. All the world has come to accept the gospel that is Walker, Texas Ranger. It is time for a new challenge."
Chuck-God turned his head to the side, narrowing his eyes in that dramatic acting pose he used so successfully on such hits as Delta Force, Sidekicks, and the Coup de grace, Top Dog. He raised his eyebrow, his mind mulling over the wonderment of possibilities his future Chuck-God existence held. He tapped his magic mirror and spoke in a firm, powerful voice.
"Magic Seeing Mirror in my dojo, show your Chuck-God a challenge worthy of his mojo."
The magic mirror began to blur and whirl, as magic seeing mirrors do in tales like this. A blast of light emerged from it! Chuck-God raised his eyebrow higher but did not fret, for Chuck-God the Norris did not fear anything, not even the thought of Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump making babies together.
"Chuck-God, Chuck-God, there is a land, filled with talking animals and a Prince Caspian whose acting is quite bland. With your great power and fierce emotion you can conquer their lands and plunder their oceans." The mirror replied, "Narnia, Narnia be thy name, owned and loved by the mighty mane."
"Mane!?" Chuck-God said suddenly, eyes narrowing once more to show the true range of his varied emotional responses, "I have no mane. Who is more mighty than the Chuck-God!?"
"In Narnia, only one is mightier than the Chuck-God." The mirror replied sagely, "The Jesus-Lion."
"Jesus-Lion!?" Chuck-God gasped, narrowing his eyes again!
"You mean ... he's from ... Mexico!?" Chuck-God said in disbelief, "I must enter this Narnia and impose the illegal immigrant removal program!"
"No, he's not from Me..." The mirror began to say, but it was too late.
Chuck-God had already stroked his beard. In doing so, a large tempest of mighty winds had whisked him away through the mirror to the magical land of Nyehnyehaahh.
"It's Narnia." The mirror said to the author.
"Nyehnyehaaah!" The author replied, laughing and ending the scene before the mirror could reply.
"Jesus-Lion!" Chuck-God said to Aslan as he appeared before him at the top of Pride Rock.
Magic Mirror – Wrong story, Author!
Author - stare of doom It's still Disney, shut up.
Aslan turned in surprise, roaring mightily as Chuck-God approached him. He ducked into a pouncing gesture, ready to ... to pounce!
"Jesus-Lion! I have come to send you back to Mexico!" Chuck-God said, crossing his arms and ... narrowing his eyes!
Aslan growled, "I am not from Mexico! Do you not know who I am!? I am Jesus-Lion!"
"Yes, that is why I am sending you back to Mexico!" Chuck-God said before he nodded his head.
Chuck-God gasped, as his nod of doom did not send Aslan back across the border of Texas-land. Aslan's eyes glinted with a 'Hah, fuck you!' expression. He bobbed and weaved his head, taunting his new enemy. Aslan shook his mighty mane, before he let out an even mightier roar. Chuck-God was not amused, but he was impressed. He showed this by raising one eyebrow ever so slightly.
"So, your mane truly is mighty, Jesus-Lion." Chuck-God said, "What part of Mexico are you from?"
"Los Angeles!" Aslan roared, lunging at Chuck-God.
The two mighty beings fought, but not too roughly as Chuck-God is in his sixties and Aslan is so old, condoms weren't even invented when his mother got spontaneously knocked up and had him in the Los Angeles Zoo.
Aslan bit Chuck-God's arm, but Chuck-God's bicep of steel rejected the attack. Chuck-God punched Aslan, but his hand was trapped in the mane of one colour! It was no good, the two were at a standstill. Chuck-God had never fought such a mighty opponent.
"Jesus-Lion, you are fierce, but I am the Norris. I am the Walker, and the Texas Ranger. I am the Delta and the Force. I am the only white man to ever fight Bruce Lee and keep his mojo!" Chuck-God said confidently.
Aslan purred, impressed by such credentials, "Well, Chuck-God, I am the Aslan. My Daddy rules over the sea. That way. He is the Head Lion, Mufasa!"
Aslan pointed to the Eastern Sea in the distance, just past Cair Paravel and before Tijuana. He bobbed his head and looked up at Chuck-God, ready to pounce again as he spoke. Chuck-God was still not impressed. Aslan suddenly felt afraid. Almost as afraid as when he turned down the White Witch on a date and she iced him out for a hundred years in retaliation. He would have to pull out something even more impressive for the Chuck-God.
"I ate the White Witch!" Aslan roared mightily, "Hah!"
"You ate … Rosie?" Chuck-God said, assuming an attack stance, "You are indeed mighty! I shall have to use that which I only ever use in times when the Chuck-God's mojo is truly in peril!"
"What!?" Aslan gasped, roaring and preparing to pounce, "You cannot defeat me and my disciples!"
"A stunt double!"
Poor Aslan did not see the attack from behind. Thwap on the back of his head from Chuck-God's stunt double, a virtual clone of the Chuck Norris, most powerful being in all the internetz. The only difference was the stunt double was actually forty years younger and did his own stunts.
"Now that Jesus-Lion is ready to be deported, this land shall be mine." Chuck-God said, narrowing his eyes and staring intently just left of the camera, "I must find his disciples!"
"Speak your name, Strangeer. I am Preeeence Caspeeeeen!" Caspian said as he stood in the middle of the forest, flanked by two dwarves, a mouse, and a badger.
Chuck-God stood before the strange party, staring at them with his mighty eyes of doom. When that drew no reaction, he narrowed his eyes. Gasp! Reaction!
"You … you are truly stupid, are you not? Why do you not fear me?" Caspian said, gasping in surprise as he pulled out his sword and held it toward Chuck-God, "I am Preeence Caspeeeen!"
Chuck-God nodded swiftly and immediately Caspian dropped his nuts, and his sword, before he turned and ran like a sissy all the way through the forest. He was running so hard and fast, he hit his head on a sign post giving directions to Aslan's Crib. The Aslan face on the post shook his head in shame.
"Are you truly the saviour of my Narnia?" The Aslan face spoke to Caspian.
"I am … I am … Preence Caspeeeen! Do you not like my eyes?" Caspian asked, "I am told, they will find me a gentle soul who will woo my heart and annoy something called … purists."
"Argh." Aslan-face scowled before he roared, "You were supposed to defeat the Chuck-God, but you have failed. There is only one who can do my bidding. Only one who can save me and free my people from the Chuck-God."
"Me?" Caspian asked, "I am still the title character in this adventure!"
"You are a sissy boy!" Aslan roared, "There is only one thing you can do! You must summon the Super Ninja."
"Zuper whatta?" Caspian asked, confused, "Is he … a friend of my uncle's? Because you know, my uncle and I … veee are not really ze best of ze friends right now."
"He caught you playing w…"
"Yes, yes." Caspian sighed, nodding in shame, "Now tell me about ze Zuper Ninja."
"You must blow the horn and summon the four better characters from the past of the Chuck-God's world." Aslan-face said auspiciously, "Only they are worthy enough to save this adventure from your mediocre skills. The four monarchs. The High King, the Valiant Queen, the Gentle Queen, and … the Super Ninja!"
"Might one of zem be … for me?" Caspian asked hopefully, staring up from the ground at the talking face on the signpost, "Might one of … oh my stars! Ze Gentle soul is … is ze Gentle queen! She is for me!?"
"Not in this story, Buddy." Aslan-face roared, "Now activate the magic GPS locator and time-space continuum gateway key!"
"Ze vat?" Caspian asked, confused.
"Blow the horn the old man gave you!"
By this time, Chuck-God had walked, because Chuck-God never runs, all the way to Caspian and the signpost leading to Aslan's crib. Caspian gasped in horror, before he readily pulled out the horn. It was such a lovely horn. He rather adored it. He held it to his lips and inhaled a deep breath, before he realized the Aslan-face never told him why he couldn't have the gentle soul. This hesitation proved to be a dreaded mistake.
Chuck-God kicked the horn from Caspian's hand before he raised his eyebrow at him. Caspian collapsed unconscious instantly and Chuck-God crossed his arms, laughing. Little did Chuck-God realize that a little mouse, Reepicheep, had scurried out of sight below leaves to reach the horn. He shook his head at the fallen Caspian before he blew the horn with all his might. Unfortunately, Reepicheep was a little creature and his blow was not very strong at all. He could only hope that it was strong enough.
"Don't worry, Peter! I have it sorted!" Edmund, Super Ninja and Just bloody gorgeous, said as he walked through the crowd of teenagers watching Peter Pevensie receive a thorough thrashing from three of his peers.
Edmund raised his hand and bitch-slapped the first boy foolish enough to attack his brother. The other two immediately stopped and looked at Edmund. Edmund assumed his Schoolboy Wonder pose and beckoned them to come hither.
"Thou art messing with my brother, thou art messing with me."
The two foolish boys lunged at Edmund, but they were no match. He leaped aside, holding out one arm to clothesline one boy, before he stepped toward the other and chopped him in the back of the head. They fell to the ground, groaning and gasping. Peter grumbled and stood to his feet before he sat down next to his sisters, Susan and Lucy.
"Do not speak to him, dear Sisters. There is no need for shame." Edmund said, sitting beside Peter, "He will now say thank you, and all will be well."
"I had it sorted, Ed." Peter said, standing to his feet, "They just took me by surprise, that's all."
"Mmm." Edmund said, nodding his head sagely.
"Mmm?" Lucy asked in surprise, "Just mmm? Don't you have more to say, Ed?"
"Well, I would say more, but it seems the producers of this adventure believe I am more suited to saying less and doing more." Edmund said to his sister, "They need the extra room for some other chap named Caspian."
"Nice name." Susan said, eyes glazing over a little.
Edmund gave her a swift clip upside the head, "No, Susan. You will not think of boys until after we return from this adventure."
"What adventure?" Susan asked, rubbing her head and pouting before she jumped to her feet, "Someone touched my bum!"
Lucy groaned and rolled her eyes, "Susan! No one wants to touch your bum!"
Lucy suddenly jumped to her feet before Peter jerked away from Edmund, "Ed, stop pulling!"
"Do not fear, my siblings." Edmund said, standing calmly to his feet as they all joined hands, "It is the special time-space continuum gateway with special magic GPS locator key."
Before Edmund could reply, they were standing on a picturesque beach in the middle of New Zealand.
Magic Mirror – Narnia!
Author – Shh, this is a shameless plug for Cathedral Cove in New Zealand! New Zealand FTW!
"Where are we!?" Susan gasped, looking at the beach before she sped off toward the water.
Edmund narrowed his eyes as he stepped forward. He and his siblings pulled off their shoes and socks, but no more, for this is a PG-rated adventure. He could sense a great darkness in the air. Where were they indeed? While Peter, Susan, and Lucy all frolicked in the water, Edmund walked the beach with his hands on his hips.
"So … you are the ones from the prophecy!" Chuck-God said, revealing his presence behind Edmund.
"No, that was the last movie." Edmund said calmly, turning to face this ominous presence behind him.
"It's alright, Ed!" Peter said, rushing up the beach to stand before Edmund, facing the Chuck-God, "I've got this sorted. Who are you, Chuck-God?"
Chuck-God raised his eyebrow at Peter, "You just said my name."
"Oh." Peter said, "Right. Umm, well, I am the chosen one of Aslan! You will state your business or we will destroy you!"
Edmund stood behind Peter, performing his general role in this adventure. Stand behind, say little, but still kick the most ass out of everyone. Such a thankless role, he thought.
Author – We feel your pain, Ed.
"I have taken your Jesus-Lion and prepared him for deportation." Chuck-God said in a booming voice, "Soon this land will be mine and all will come to know the Way of the Norris."
"Jesus-Lion?" Peter asked, turning to Edmund in confusion, "Who?"
"He means Aslan." Edmund replied, "Some people call him Jesus-Lion because they believe he is an allegory for Mexican Immigration."
"Oh, I see." Peter nodded, "Is he though?"
"I feel this is different for all of us, Pete. For some, he is Jesus-Lion. For others, he is Aslan. And for some others, he is Liam Neeson, famed Irish actor."
"You really are amazing, Ed." Peter said, awed by his brother's insight, "I don't know what I would do without you."
"All in a day's work for … Super Ninja Ed!" Edmund said before he leaped in front of Peter and before Chuck-God, "You will free Aslan, Chuck-God, or I will bring about a mighty ass whooping the likes of which was never seen in Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but totally rocked the socks off of Prince Caspian!"
Chuck-God raised his eyebrow and assumed an attack stance. He narrowed his eyes at Edmund, giving him the glare of doom. Edmund gasped before he narrowed his own eyes back at Chuck-God and the two began circling each other. Edmund's feet moved like a cat upon the sand, while his hands moved as if he were a Shaolin Monk.
"If your Jesus-Lion can summon his special forces, I can summon mine!" Chuck-God said, before a foul wind swept over the beach.
Stunt-double leaped out of the air at Edmund, taking him by surprise. Edmund gasped and dove aside before Peter tackled the enemy. Edmund looked back at Peter in surprise, before he turned his attention back to Chuck-God.
"Don't worry, Ed, I've got him sor…" Peter began to say before Stunt-double kicked him in the face, "Ow … sorted."
"Hah!" Stunt-double said, attacking Peter with a flurry of punches and kicks.
"I can do this! I can do this!" Peter gasped, blocking one punch and headbutting Stunt-double.
No sooner had Peter knocked back Stunt-double, the beach was swarmed with soldiers. None of them had names, because if they did, we'd feel bad when the kids killed them all bloodlessly. Magically, Susan's bow appeared in her hands and she suddenly felt empowered! She let out a Xena like cry and began letting loose with arrow after arrow.
Lucy closed her eyes and fell to her knees, clasping her hands and refusing to fight. She closed her eyes and said her timestable, hoping it would all go away like some bad dream. Where was Jesus-Lion!?
"Activate Angry High-King mode!" Peter said, letting out a lion like roar before his armour magically appeared on him, and the great sword, Rhindon, appeared in his hand, "Yes! I am Magnificent again! I knew I could do it!"
"Peter, you could always do it." Edmund said sagely, "You just needed to believe in yourself and have writers who remember you were a High King already and have no doubt learned the great lessons. There is no need to savage your character."
"Thanks, Ed!" Peter grinned, charging into battle.
Edmund spun on his heels and narrowed his eyes at Chuck-God, "Now it's your turn, Chuck-God!"
"You are far more formidable than that other one, Caspeeeen."
"Ugh. Don't make me gag." Edmund said as he began stalking his enemy, "And now, I shall destroy you and send you back to where you came from."
"Stunt-double!" Chuck-God cried out, "Where are you!?"
"Ack." Stunt-double gasped as he lay on the sand, Peter's sword stabbing him through his chest.
Naturally, there was no blood. Stunt-double coughed, gasped, spluttered and stared up at Peter before he fell back, dead. Chuck-God gasped in surprise before he responded with sheer anger and utter ferocity! How? He narrowed his eyes just slightly.
"Damn." Chuck-God said, "Now I have to bring in my new disciple. Miraz the Spanish Pirate!"
"Wha?" Peter said before he was knocked off his feet by a stiff punch to the face.
"What is it with people hitting my face?" Peter groaned, "Don't they know I'm pretty!?"
Miraz appeared as if out of thin air, flanked by hundreds of his nameless, bloodless soldiers. He sneered at Peter and nodded to Chuck the Norris. He would destroy these Pevensies, despite how much he preferred them to his own nephew. He turned to Edmund, studying him curiously.
"You. I challenge you to a duel." Miraz said confidently, "You are smaller than the blonde one. You are probably weaker too. I challenge you, and if I win, you go back to your world and you never return."
"Ugh, that would be horrid." Peter frowned.
"Oh it would be." Susan said between her thirty eighth and thirty ninth victims.
Magic Mirror – sucks for them!
"I accept your challenge, Miraz!" Edmund said bravely, "I fear no tyrant, nor lack of lines! I still own!"
Before Miraz could reply, Chuck-God hit Edmund from behind with a stiff chop to the neck. Edmund gasped and wailed in agony before he fell to his knees and Miraz rushed him. Chuck-God folded his arms over his chest and nodded contently. The Pevensies would be defeated and this land would be his.
Miraz raised his sword as he leaped into the air, ready to slice Edmund in two with a vertical strike. Edmund, moving in slow motion because the producers liked that, cried out in pain, holding his neck. Yet just as the sword came crashing down atop him, he shot his hand out to catch Miraz's. Miraz gasped in surprise as his sword stopped in midair.
"Super Ninja Ed mode!" Edmund cried out, before instantly his school clothes were gone and replaced with the most badass looking outfit ever.
Magic mirror – that doesn't really describe it, you know.
Author – BADASS! :P It's badass!
Edmund drew his two swords and immediately began duelling Miraz backward. As Miraz's army rushed the beaches, the Pevensies fought bravely. Lucy ran away into the bushes to find Jesus-Lion, because she'd forgotten he was already being prepared for deportation. However, she managed to return with help in the form of a killer badger and a fierce looking mouse.
Peter and Susan fought side by side, one swinging blade and the other shooting arrows. Edmund of course was doing his Super Ninja best. Already he'd managed to stop half the Telmarine army, save Peter, kill some white lady stuck in ice who randomly appeared in the middle of the adventure, and all without getting a single key scene of his own.
"My mad ninja skillz are too strong for you, Chuck-God!" Edmund gasped, flying through the air atop his gryphon before he was dropped, dive tackling Chuck-God.
"Hey, I thought you were duelling me!" Miraz called out.
"No, Bitch! You're duelling ME!" Peter cried out with a crazed grin, swinging his sword at Miraz.
Miraz was knocked back on his ass by a mighty kick from Peter and the two were immediately locked in fierce combat. Further down the beach, more Narnian were coming to the battle, led by a figure no one recognized yet.
"Hey, it's that guy from History Boys!" Yelled a Telmarine soldier.
"The play, not the movie." Trumpkin the cranky dwarf said before he struck the soldier dead.
"I am cooomeeeeeeeeeeeeeng to heeeeeeeeeeeeerp yooooooooou!" Caspian yelled out, galloping triumphantly down the beach with his centaur buddies.
Peter stopped mid fight with Miraz, turning to Caspian's group, "You know … I used to have a white unicorn."
"I bet it looked much better riding into battle than his horse, yes?" Miraz asked, "I think the dramatic effect would be more potent."
"Oh yes, I agree." Peter nodded, "Shall we continue?"
"Ahh right, to the death!" Miraz replied, swinging his sword.
Meanwhile, Edmund was beating Chuck-God all over the beach. Chuck-God was utterly stunned by the Super Ninja's amazing ability to kick his ass without having to say any cheesy lines like 'Did you kill my father!?' or another classic 'I am nozing like you'.
"Super Ninja Ed, wait!" Chuck-God gasped, stumbling backwards from a stiff kick Edmund had given him.
Edmund did not stop. He spun his swords around, slicing two soldiers in half before he pulled out his crossbow and shot another two dead. Since even that was not enough to show his awesome, he pulled out his torch and beat the Chuck-God senseless, deflecting all of Chuck-God's attacks before he bopped him on the head with his torch of ultimate doom!
"You are defeated, Chuck-God!" Edmund gasped, breathing hard as he stood before the now kneeling Chuck-God, "Yield and I will show you mercy!"
"Noooooooooooo!" Chuck-God gasped, "This cannot be! I am Chuck the Norris! I can count to infinity … twice! I am the reason Waldo is hiding! I don't cry, I narrow my eyes! I don't get frostbite, I bite frost."
Edmund hmphed and put his free hand on his hip, "I didn't join the White Witch, she joined me."
"Michael Jackson isn't white, he's just scared of Chuck Norris -- permanently."
"I had the least lines of all the main characters in Prince Caspian, the movie … and people still loved me the most." Edmund countered, "Hah!"
Chuck-God frowned, "Damn. I cannot defeat you, Super Ninja Ed."
"You will return Aslan to Narnia and leave this world, never to return." Edmund demanded.
The rest of the battle had stopped now, for there was only one show in town and it was the Ed show. All eyes were on Edmund the Just Badass Super Ninja as he humbled the Chuck-God in the same way only Disney could misfire the marketing of the Chronicles of Narnia – Prince Caspian film.
Author – Go see it, it's GREAT!
"Alright, Super Ninja Ed." Chuck-God groaned, holding his head from where the torch of ultimate doom had struck him, "I will do as you ask."
Edmund nodded gratefully before he stepped back. Chuck-God stood to his feet as the theme song to Walker, Texas Ranger began playing in the background. Chuck-God raised his eyebrow and stroked his beard. Just like that, the bad Telmarines were all gone and so too was Miraz.
"Where did you send them?" Edmund asked curiously.
"Sunday School." Chuck-God said, "Tell me Super Ninja Ed, when you are so powerful, why do you not rule the world?"
"I do not seek glory, nor extra lines or gratuitous scenes of me flirting with a character I never flirted with in the book." Edmund said wisely, "I am Edmund the Just. I am content."
"Chuck the Norris respects that."
With those words spoken, Chuck-God blinked and then he was gone. The Narnians cheered when they realized Aslan was amongst them again. Edmund smiled contently as Caspian pranced around, taking all the glory. Peter walked over to Edmund, placing his hand on his shoulder.
"It's alright, Ed. I know you're a total badass." Peter said proudly.
Across the beach in the middle of festivities, Caspian ran along the beach toward Susan who was pulling her bow and making pouty faces at the non-existent camera. When Caspian approached her, she turned and looked at him with a soft smile. He gazed at her and for a moment it seemed as if they would kiss.
"My dear lady, vat iz your name?" Caspian asked, looking like a lovesick puppy.
Susan suddenly deadpanned, "It's Phyllis. Now gimmie back my horn, Dweeb."
Caspian frowned, while in the background Aslan chuckled. He shook his head as he walked beside Lucy, her hand resting comfortably in his mane.
Lucy pondered and looked up from her feet to Aslan's eyes, "Jesus-Lion, why didn't you come to help us?"
"It wasn't in the great script, my little Lioness." Aslan said, smiling at her with his eyes, "That and something about if you don't believe in me, I won't help you. This is of course a pack of lies. I just knew you could do it on your own. After all, I helped you last time. If I did it the same again, it would be repetitious. Things never happen the same way twice, Lucy."
"Of course, Aslan." Lucy sighed, nuzzling his mane, "Aslan, you're my favourite character in all of Narnia, because you're just like my best friend, Jesus. That's why you're my Jesus-Lion."
"I'm not from Mexico!" Aslan protested before he smiled sagely, "But you stay close to him. He's a good one."
While the others all celebrated, Edmund stood alone on the beach, looking very gorgeously handsome and quite badass. He was surprised when Aslan approached him, flanked by all three of his siblings. Turning to them, Edmund still said no lines but somehow had everyone's attention.
"I knew you would not fail me, Edmund." Aslan smiled gratefully, to which Edmund replied in kind.
As Edmund smiled softly, fangirls around the world swooned. Peter pouted a little, before he shrugged and accepted that his time in the fangirl spotlight was passing over. Caspian was still waving his hands in the distance but nobody really noticed him because he was so incredibly unremarkable. Susan grumbled something about having to kiss him and then shifted a little so he was blocked out of the camera shot.
"Edmund, you have defeated Chuck the Norris. But there is yet a greater enemy to face. Only you and your Super Ninja Ed Badass skills can defeat them." Aslan said gravely, "You will return one day to Narnia."
"Will I?" Edmund asked in surprise, "But why, Aslan? The Chuck-God has been defeated by my Torch of Ultimate Doom."
"You will return nonetheless, my son. You will return for the Voyage of the Mary Sues."
"Oh sod, not them again." Edmund whimpered, looking to his older siblings for help.
Peter and Susan both spoke up instantly, horrified, "Count us out!"
- The End -