Breaking Dawn spoiler alert!
And some language. (:
Mike Newton was in a very daring mood this particular day. He had tried a new cereal, and wore two different socks. These were all signs; it was time.
He put on a tight black body suit and hunted down his mother's panty-hose. He would need to be disguised.
Opening the front door and prowling into the night was proven to be very easy. It was finding his destination that was difficult.
Eventually, he found his way, riding a disgruntled zebra through the woods.
But let's just pretend Mike has enough mental capacity to find the Cullen mansion.
That's right. He's daring.
Not knowing that everyone in the house, besides Bella, had supersonic bat hearing, he went for the door at the glass wall of the house. (Is there one?)
Meanwhile, inside the house, the vampires were all snickering violently. Emmett offered to go greet the human boy, but Alice said that if they let him pretend he was succeeding, it would be worth it in the end.
They positioned themselves at the top of the stairs silently, Mike not being smart enough to check his surroundings.
Alice was holding a video camera and Bella a mango. It was delicious.
Mike shimmied gracelessly toward the computer and turned it on. It made a loud noise, so Bella threw her mango at his head. The vampires all swiftly moved out of Mike's field of vision, Edward pulling Bella with them.
He glanced around frantically, then opened myspace. He pulled up a survey, beaming the entire time at how brilliant he was.
Subj: I AM GOD.
If you got trapped in an elevator with someone, who would you want it to be? Isabella Swan, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, and Channing Tatum.
What is your favourite cereal? Trix are for kids.™
Do you own any cowboy boots? What else would I own?
What is something you would never do in public? There really isn't anything. I've been fully engulfed in jello, I have fucked a cat, and I have confessed my undying love for a now married man.
Have you ever had really strange dreams? …Yes.
Name 5 of your Best Friends: Friends are for squa-yers.
What's your earliest memory? Being the advanced little bitch that I am, it was kicking my mother in the womb.
Have you ever broken a bone before, and if so, how? …Promise not to laugh?
-So I fell in the shower once. And broke my butt…
-…The author really needs to be more original.
-She's having a rough day.
Have you ever stepped in dog poo? Jake let his instincts get the best of him that time.
Ever bitten your toenails? No…
Who is your all time hero? Jesus.
Who or what did you pretend to be as a child in your fantasies? An exotic dancer.
Do you have any pets? Not any full-time ones.
What colors do you think mix well? Topaz and bronze. Rawr.
What did you eat recently? I am a bonana!
If you were, or are, still a Virgin and could give it away to someone, who would it be if it could be anybody? Are foursomes allowed?
What's your favorite movie? Dracula!
Do you paint your toenails? SH.
Is your computer a fast and awesome computer? It is. Like me. Except…I'm not a computer. Or fast. Or awesome, really. That doesn't affect it, though.
If one of your long lost exes called you and asked for you back, would you take them back? I don't have any. (:
Do you dance like Mariah Carey? Bitch please. I can dance her off the stage.
Do you sing like Aretha Franklin? Mmmmmmmhm.
What's your favorite instrument? Banjo.
What is a country you want to visit badly before you die? Russia. It's where the party's at.
What things in history amuse you the most? My friend Kyle just told me that a few hundred years ago in England the penalty for attempting suicide was death. –Snort-
Have you ever eaten lipstick? One freakin' time.
Snow, hail, wind, or rain? Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Have you ever been unconscious? Yeah, a meteor fell out of the sky and hit me. Cullen needs to watch what he says. Things get directed to the wrong people.
Do you know how to swim? Yes sir.
Have you ever licked a window before? I thought maybe it was like the kind on movie sets…you know, the ones that are made of sugar?
If someone dared you to run across a busy street for 1 thousand dollars, would you? Depends on who it was. Eric Yorke is a lying bastard, so if it was him, I wouldn't.
Would you kill someone for 9 million dollars? If I got to dress up like a Jedi while doing it, then yeah.
Who is your worst enemy right now and why? Mr. Banner. He tried to pinch my butt, so then I reported him to the principal, and he threatened to kill me. It was funny.
Have you ever been in a psychical fight with anyone before? Yeah, I'm pretty hardcore.
What is the oldest game system you own? My deck of cards. OH!
What brand of cell phone do you have and what service provider? Samsung, Jack & Erma's Magic Phones.
Do you wear slippers or socks? My feet go au naturale. Oh, yeah.
What is the strangest pet you've ever owned? A lime. He was very unfriendly.
Do you love life or hate it? We're seeing other people.
Who is the hottest person in the entire universe in your opinion? Eddy-kinz.
What do you do every night before bed? Wash my feet. It's a ritual.
"NOW!" Alice screamed unnecessarily.
Mike's head shot up and the entire Cullen family was now stalking towards him looking particularly vicious.
He let out a blood-curdling shriek and they all stopped.
The sound was like an eight-year-old girl, mixed with a cat being tortured horrendously, with a dash of Victoria-being-ripped-to-shreds.
He ran full-speed, for a human, out the door he came from and fumbled with the doorknob.
The vampires simply stood there, staring intently at him and muffling their laughter.
Edward was staring him down with as much intensity as possible. He'd read the second-to-last question. Oh, yeah.
Mike ran out, speeding toward an unsuspecting tree.
Bella grimaced, then commenced the laughter. She was doubled over in Edward's arms; he was holding her, for she fell and hit her head when he let her stand.
Jasper walked over to the computer and read the survey to the rest of the family at vampire speed. Bella glared.
Bella read it slowly as everyone else laughed musically.
"I told you!" she shrieked to Edward once she was finished.
"Told me what?"
"Mike Newton was brought to the yard by your milkshake."
Edward waited patiently for what he was sure was to come.
"Hey, now I want a milkshake..." she added.
He picked her up and ran her to the Volvo, driving her to the nearest Dairy Queen.
This was loooooooong, man.
So, to start; this will most likely be the final installment. I like the number 11. :D
My friend Jenny suggested the "fuck a cat" thing,
"I am a bonana" was this youtube video that I'm too lazy to look for,
Mike knows so much of Jake because Jacob imprinted on him in one of my stories, Mike Newton Shenanigans, even though he imprinted on Embry here. That's okay.
Russia is where the party's at. My friend claims that the country stalks her...and I happen to be Russian.
The "My friend Kyle" thing is real. I asked him what's a funny thing that happened in history and that's what he said.
I really don't know why he decided to go to the Cullen house. This is just how I envisioned it happening.
And finally, Jack & Erma's magic phones is this comedian Mike Birbiglia.
He goes "there are only like three cell phone companies, so they can charge you whatever they want" (he said it funnier and with some other jokes in there) "there's no Jack & Erma's magic phones"
I'm gonna leave you to your lives.
Review, or whatever.
Thanks for reading the story! I may possibly add another chapter if I get bored one day, but for now, this shall remain completed. I LOVE YOU ALL FOR REVIEWING! I never thought I'd get more than, like...five, lol.