Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers or any of their human character friends…I only wish to pay tribute to their greatness
A/N: This does not necessarily follow my Tinman story or have much correlation with it. I just thought this would be fun to write and I just needed to get it out of my head to make room for other ideas. OH…and when you read Skywarp's dialogue, pretend you're drunk. ;) It's fun.
By Leah Wood
Skywarp's head swayed to the left a moment, resting against one of the power plant buildings. His optics flickered intermittedly. A silly smirk lifted his mouth plates as he righted himself, lifting up the eighth glowing cube he'd processed that night.
"Oh, for fraggin' Primus, Warp!" Thundercracker's annoyed voice caught the black and violet Seeker's attention, "What are you doing?"
Skywarp smiled hugely, pointing at his wingman, "Heeey! It's my good ff-friend, TC!" his vocalizer was drawing out his words and clipping them off.
"Geez, Warp. How many of those Energon cubes have you had?" Thundercracker stared at the pile of empty transparent canisters piled up near Skywarp.
"Oooh…two…th-three. I dunno." Warp slurred in a higher voice than he normally used.
"Man you're fragged. Come on Warp, you've had enough." Thundercracker insisted, trying to snatch away the cube of Energon.
Skywarp haphazardly defended his drink with a floppy wrist, "No! No…Starsssscream."
The blue Seeker rolled his red optics, "I'm Thundercracker, numb nodes."
"Riiight! Thunder-crapper!" Skywarp pointed at him definitively. "Sssit down! Have a drink!"
He thrust the half-empty cube at Thundercracker, accidentally sloshing some against his cockpit.
"Ssslag it TC! Are you over—over-energized? You…you can't hold a cube to sssave your Ssspark." he shook his head.
Thundercracker took the cube, wiping the Energon from his front, "All right, Warp. That's enough Energon for you." he held out a hand, "Come on. Let's get you to a berth for a good power-down."
Pulling his over-energized wingman to his feet, Thundercracker threw Skywarp's arm around his shoulder to help him walk. But Skywarp wasn't helping much as he dragged his feet, scattering sparks on the pavement.
The bleary optics locked on Thundercracker shakily, "Heeey, TC! Where…where we goin'?"
"Your berth. You're way too energized." the blue jet Con repeated with irritation.
"Whaaaat? Naw! No. I'm not…over-energized." Skywarp slid away from Thundercracker's arm, swaying as he tried to remain standing.His hand flitted around fancifully, "I'm…good. But YOU…you need a drink!"
Skywarp bent over, looking for another cube of Energon and fell flat on his face. Thundercracker slapped a hand to his face and helped his confused wingman to his feet again.
"Berth. Now!" he growled, hauling Skywarp away.
Somehow the black Seeker shoved him away, "NO! I don't nnneed no berth." Suddenly Skywarp busted up in a fit of laughter, "Unless…Hee! Hee! ...unless there wasss a pretty fffemme in there too!"
Though he was very peeved at his irresponsible wingman, Thundercracker couldn't help but smirk at Skywarp's ridiculous state. Skywarp was a mech who didn't know when to stop with the Energon and when he got over-energized he got crazy, half-bit ideas.
Thundercracker shook his head, "There aren't any femmes on this planet, Warp."
Skywarp's expression took on a very confused tilt, his optic ridges raised as his head turned groggily, "Whaaaat?"the black Seeker swiped his hand through the air, almost losing his balance again, "Well….weee just gotta fff-find 'em then.".
"Yeah. Sure." Thundercracker reached for his friend's shoulder again.
Skywarp knocked it away awkwardly, pointing at him and lowering his vocalizer like it was a secret, "Heeey. You know something? You…you know what I'm gonna do?"
Thundercracker decided to humor him, "What Warp?"
"Sssince you're my good…fff-friend, I'm gonna fffind a fffemme for you too!" he prodded a metal finger into the blue Seeker's chest to punctuate his staggered words. "And then…then we're gonna party! All of us! In my berth."
"Gee, thanks Warp." Thundercracker stated sarcastically trying to lead the crazy Seeker away from the power plant.
Skywarp leaned back dangerously, a goofy grin plastered on his face, "OoooK. I'm gonna fffind the fffemmes."
Suddenly, before Thundercracker could hold him down, Skywarp teleported. The blue Seeker cursed, spinning around to try and find where Skywarp would reappear.
"WOOOO! TC! Yooou look like a liiittle squishy from up here!" Skywarp shouted in a high pitched keen.
Thundercracker looked up to see Skywarp hovering a few hundred feet above him, his thrusters flickering dangerously. "HEY! You stupid glitch! You can't fly over-energized!"
The black Seeker gave a silly wave to his wingman and disappeared again, leaving only his jet trail in his wake.
Thundercracker clawed at his helmet, "ARRG! You stupid son of a glitched fragger!" he pointed angrily at the sky, "I hope you CRASH!"
Later at 23,000 feet…
Skywarp could fly over energized, all Seekers could; flying was practically instinctual. But it didn't make it a good idea—or a safe one for that matter. Any minor slip up in attention could end in a brutal crash for any Seeker crazy or foolish enough to fly over energized. However, with the Energon fully clouding his inhibition circuitry, Skywarp couldn't be the least bit concerned. He barrel-rolled through the sky giddily, his bleary optics trying to find the femmes he'd decided to search for.
Suddenly, before his distracted mainframe could reject the current mission into forgetfulness, a pleasing sound hit his auditory sensors. It sounded like a jet engine. He focused as hard as he could and suddenly caught sight of a sleek metal form dead ahead. The black Seeker sped up, awkwardly slicing through the clouds.
Then he saw it. A light colored F-16 cruising steadily in the air. A funny smile crossed his face. Now normally, Skywarp wouldn't find an Earth jet as particularly interesting or even attractive. But, with too much Energon buzzing his systems like a cyber-hornet the F-16 looked very much like a femme Seeker.
"Unidentified aircraft, you do not have clearance to fly this airspace. Descend to 15,000 feet and proceed to…" a female voice broke through on a communication channel.
Warp didn't even hear the rest of her orders but he quickly tapped into the channel to reply, "Well…Hellooo."
There was a pause on the other end.
"Pilot of unidentified aircraft, identify yourself." the woman replied.
The black jet weaved back and forth and replied proudly, "Sssskywarp!"
Skywarp sped up, teleported, and by mere luck ended up flying upside down over the F-16, "What'sss a pretty jet like yooou…ffflyin' all alone fffor?"
The female pilot of the F-16 suddenly looked up and saw the huge blackish purple F-22 cruising above her. Her eyes widened behind her dark helmet shield. She couldn't see a pilot in the cockpit above her. Then how was it able to fly?
The loud, drunken voice filled her audios, "Ssssooo? What'sss your name?"
"Captain Kissinger." the human pilot replied, not realizing yet the disguised jet was actually asking her craft and not her.
"Ooooo. A Captain. A Captain Kisss-singer. My name is Sssskywarp!" the male voice repeated funnily.
At this point, Teresa Kissinger was official baffled by the events; an F-22 with no call signature, no pilot, and a drunk, male voice on her intercom who called himself Skywarp. Was this all some sort of sick joke the guys in the tower were playing on her? Was this F-22 some sort of unmanned prototype and if so why was it flying so erratically around her? This had to be too dangerous for something like that?
'Skywarp' continued, "Yooou wanna party? Cause you…yoooou look like a fffemme who likes to party."
Quite suddenly the F-22 dipped down lower, much too close for comfort. Then, it did something that no Earth jet was supposed to do; it split apart at the seams, extending outward. Captain Kissinger's jaw dropped unchecked as the entire jet folded and expanded its entire configuration, sprouting thick metal legs and arms complete with huge black hands. The cockpit folded over on itself and was replaced with a big metal helmet. In an instant the helmet turned, revealing two gleaming crimson lights that scarily resembled eyes. Teresa swallowed hard; those WERE eyes.
"Oh…my…God." she whispered, viewing the massive Decepticon hovering over her jet.
Reacting instantly, the pilot descended, rolled away, and sped off in the opposite direction. She glanced behind her noting the big jet monster was turning as well.
"Heeeey, beautiful! Where ya goin?" the voice called over her audios.
She didn't respond. All she wanted was to get as far away from that thing as she possibly could. Suddenly, a shadow cast over her cockpit and she yelped seeing the jet monster hovering over her again. Taking evasive action, Captain Kissinger dove down again and this time climbed higher into the sky, igniting her boosters for extra speed. Her radar indicated the thing was following her. Then, it disappeared all together. She tapped her radar screen and then glanced around for visual confirmation.
"Oooo! You're playin' hard to get!" Skywarp laughed over the channel. "I like it!"
Before Teresa realized it the jet creature was beside her again and taking hold of her right wing. Then, it cruised underneath the belly of her jet. She could hear its metal scraping against the plane. Just before Teresa could pull away again, a big metal hand and forearm swooped over her cockpit and pressed against it. There was a loud bang and the female pilot found herself stuck and unable to pull up or away. She glanced around at the strange black metal draped over the glass. All of her instruments were going haywire but somehow her plane was not falling or descending. Quickly, she powered down her jet to conserve fuel and make her instruments quiet down.
"Let go of my plane!" she shouted desperately.
"Plane?" Skywarp's voice seemed confused, "What part isss that?"
Skywarp's inebriated voice returned after a moment of silence, "Come on baby, why don't yooou trans-transfffform too? I'll be glad to help yooou."
Teresa nearly panicked when she saw the big metal claws dig into the panels next to her cockpit, pulling them up.
It was in that instant that Teresa realized this thing, this 'Skywarp', thought SHE was the jet, that her voice was the jet's voice. This thing was hitting on her jet! Had she seen this somewhere else it would've been very funny. But, she was in a lot of danger now. If this 'Skywarp' decided to tear her plane apart she couldn't do a damn thing to stop him. The worst part was his arm was barring her means of escape; she couldn't eject if things got bad and they were too high anyway. It was clear he was acting like a drunken pervert and seemed quite enamored with her jet, but that could end very badly for her if he crashed or got too rough with her plane. If she was to escape, she needed to outmaneuver him…dramatically.
She licked her lips nervously, trying to think of what to say. What would a girl a jet say?
"No!" she calmed her voice down, "I mean… I'll stay like this. Ok?"
Slowly the metal claws stopped their prying, retracting from her jet's plating.
"O-ho. You like it kinky huh?" Skywarp sounded intrigued.
Relieved he was not trying to rip apart her plane, Teresa tried to think. "So…Skywarp, right?"
"How'd you know myyy name?" Skywarp sounded shocked.
"Umm…just a guess." she offered.
His clawed finger tapped the back of her plane, "Yooou are a good guesssser. And! And…you're very pretty too."
Teresa bit her lip, trying not to laugh. This was the most insane thing she'd ever done! It was like verbally deflecting a giant, drunken, frat boy trying to get in her pants—or whatever part he was after.
"Well thank you Skywarp." she said sweetly, "Could you let me go?"
He suddenly rolled over flipping her over upside down. Teresa gasped.
"Why would I do that? Yooou're too pretty to let go." the two metals scraped loudly, "Besssides, you might get away again."
Clearly, he was very persistent. She'd have to butter him up some more. "Oh, I wouldn't do that." she assured in an innocent voice.
The claws gently screeched over her cockpit glass in a stroking motion. Oh boy…he was getting excited.
"Well maybe if we shared a little Sssspark I'd let you go." he offered in a naughty voice.
Teresa's mind reeled, 'Share a spark? What did that mean?'
"Ummm…ok." she agreed.
The metal of her plane groaned as his embrace tightened.
Quickly she shouted, "BUT…I want to 'share a little Spark' at say oh…10,000 feet."
Suddenly, she felt the entire jet fall very quickly. She cringed seeing the ground spin closer. Off hand she peeked at her altimeter and it was dropping near the 10,000 foot digit. She needed to be that low in order to eject AND she need him to move his hand. But how? What did he want exactly? Well…she knew WHAT he wanted but she wasn't sure how that translated to a jet.
"Theeere weee gooo. Nice and low." Skywarp announced.
Teresa had her hand clamped on the ejection mechanism, waiting for his hand to move. But it didn't. She licked her lips behind her oxygen mask, trying to think. Then, the crazy jet robot started digging at her plating again.
"HEY! What are you doing?" she shouted.
"Looking fffor your Sssspark chamber." he replied.
The woman shook her head. Spark chamber? What part was that? She wasn't sure what to do so she quickly she pressed a button, releasing the door to her fuel tank.
"There. There it is," Teresa offered, hoping that was what he meant.
The red optics suddenly appeared over the nose of her jet, "That'sss not your Ssspark chamber. That'sss your fuel tank."
Teresa held her breath.
"You ARE kinky!" he smirked.
Quite suddenly, Skywarp's chest compartment opened, releasing the light from his Spark. Teresa couldn't see what was going on beneath her jet but she could see the light blazing from beneath the wings.
Teresa then pulled out all her sexual charm lowering her voice sensually, "Oh yeah…why don't you touch the underside of my wings?"
That did it. In an instant Skywarp's hand scraped over the cockpit and disappeared under the wings. Teresa pulled the switch, blowing the bolts of her cockpit. A small ignition and her seat rocketed out of her jet, freeing her. The wind whistled harshly against her chair and body completely muffling Skywarp's exclamation.
"WOAH! You liiiiked thaaat! Yooou've got stuff ffflying out of your cockpit!"
When Captain Teresa's parachute finally deployed, she sighed, never feeling so relieved to actually have experience in dealing with drunk, persistent men—or drunken jet monsters. But still the question persisted, how was she going to explain how she lost her jet?
The next day…
Thundercracker landed in a field after picking up Skywarp's signature. He spotted the black Seeker sprawled out in the vegetation, hugging the banged up remains of an F-16. The blue Decepticon shook his head, snickering, and then he came closer and busted out laughing. Skywarp's Spark chamber was open and his intimacy circuit was connected to the jet's fuel tank—a rather unorthodox form of Cybertronian intimacy but even more so with an inanimate Earth jet. Thundercracker practically fell over laughing.
After Thundercracker calmed his booming mirth he cleared his vents and kicked Warp's legs, "Hey! Hey jet fragger! Switch on!"
Skywarp's optics flickered and he groaned, holding his head, "Huh? What? Oh! Oh slag…my processors."
The blue Con was still sniggering, "You uh…did you have a fun time?"
"Huh?" suddenly the Seeker's vision cleared and he looked at his open Spark chamber and then to his special circuit, linked to the jet. "Oh…OH! ARRRG!"
Skywarp bolted up, reeling his circuit back into its chamber. Thundercracker just laughed all over again. Disgusted, Warp kicked the jet several feet away, blew it to smithereens with his arm laser, and then stormed off.
"I… HA! HA! I told you not to drink too much Energon!" Thundercracker shouted, glad he had saved the images in his hard drive.