Hello, people! I'm glad you have clicked on this fic. Now, before you read, I must warn you that this is Luke/Leia centric. There are no physically intimate scenes between them, because I'm just not good at writing that kind of stuff. (Nor do I want to.) But it does present a romantic side to their relationship. It's more of a comfort story, though. But my whole point to this rant is that, yes I have seen the movies. I know they are twins. And I don't care. TWINCEST ALL THE WAY, BABY!
So, now that that has been cleared up, I hope you guys like this. It's a teensy weensy bit out of character, but I have always been irritated that Leia seemed to show no symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder even though she'd definitely have them after what happened to her. No matter HOW strong a person is, among everything else that occured on the Death Star, one doesn't watch their planet get blown to smitherines and only be sad. I know that there was more to the movies and more to worry about than her depression, but that's why I wrote this.
TRIGGER: Also, as a warning, this contains self injury! If cutting is a trigger for you DO NOT READ THIS!! This also has mentions of rape and torture! The rape is fairly mild, but the torture is borderline explicit. Read at your own will!
So, if anyone actually likes this, please take a few moments to send me a review.
Leia lay in her bed, eyes focused on her tiny wrists. It had been five standard days since the last time. She let out a little giggle and rolled over.
She had that nightmare again, the one about Alderaan. Everyone continuously told her it wasn't her fault. She couldn't have prevented her beloved home's destruction.
But the truth was, she could.
She could have done something. She still didn't know what that something was, but she knew there was something. She could have begged more, pleaded, offered herself instead. Anything. Just not the destruction of an entire planet, her entire planet!
"Why?" She mumbled, tears sliding down her cheeks.
She hated feeling this vulnerable. She'd never let her two companions see her like this. Not willingly, anyways.
They almost did, once. Well, Luke almost did.
He had knocked on her door about two weeks ago. He had startled her and she had slipped. The blade she had used dug deeper than she intended, but, though frantic, she was a Princess and a Senator and very used to covering her emotions. She had wrapped her wrist in a dark cloth, pulled her sleeve down, and answered the door. Luke never even suspected.
As she lay there, she contemplated it once more. It had become habit to inflict a tiny cut to her left wrist each time she awoke from that dream. She was always careful and each mark was higher up on her arm. She wouldn't allow someone to find out that there were moments she wanted to stop being a princess and be a normal teenager. She was only nineteen, for God's sake.
A nineteen year old girl shouldn't be tortured for information. She shouldn't have a needle prodding her back, or drugs injected into her to enhance her pain receptors. She should never have been violated like that. A mere child shouldn't have to go through such pain. And worse than being tortured and raped, she had been forced to watch as her planet was blown up. All the people she loved, her parents, her friends, even the bullies she had to put up with in school as a child, none of them deserved such a fate.
But it happened. And it was her fault. No matter what everyone else said she had been the reason they demolished Alderaan. It was another form of torture. What they had done wasn't enough. The needles, the knife, the electrocution, the humiliation, none of it. They had to completely break her.
But she'd never give them the satisfaction of knowing just how much it had broken her. She'd stay strong. She was still defiant, still brash, still herself. But always only on the outside. Alone, she was just as vulnerable as any nineteen year old who had been hurt as much as her. Only alone could she be a small, scared child, wishing her mother was there to comfort her.
Once more, she rolled over. She leaned off her makeshift bed, reached in one of her sacks, and pulled out a small carving knife. She found it lying on the floor in one of the rooms on the Falcon. Thinking it unsafe to leave a knife lying on the floor, she had picked it up with every intention of handing it to Han, but for some reason, that never happened. She had gotten distracted and ended up keeping the small blade.
Now, it was hers. It had become very special to her, almost magical. Every time she awoke from the wretched nightmare, she'd pull out the blade. And for some reason, the little cuts she'd inflict upon herself made everything better.
The first time, it had been an accident. The dream wouldn't leave and for three nights straight, she was unable to sleep. By the fourth night, she snapped and jammed the knife into her wrist. At first, her arm burned, but a few minutes later, she felt drained, almost relaxed. It was a nice feeling, being in control of the pain. Like this, she determined how much pain she felt, when, and where. She was in charge. And she liked that.
Plus, the crimson liquid that slid down her arm was the only thing that would occupy her mind. She focused on the little droplets that clung to the wound and the slightly larger ones that would trail the natural curve of her arm. She focused on this, and not on all the screams she heard and the pain she felt when her planet was blasted to bits.
Once more, she pressed the blade into her wrist and made a quick, flawless motion. Seconds later, blood drops formed and her lips curved up in a melancholy smile.
Finally, she realized there was no getting back to sleep. She sighed and decided she'd get more done wandering around the base than just lazing around on her bed.
She stood up and stretched. Making sure her cuts were covered, she bounded out of the room. Despite the fact that her eyes stared straight ahead, she still managed to run into someone. She looked up to see Luke rubbing his eyes.
"Sorry…" He mumbled and glanced up. Upon seeing the Princess, his eyes snapped open and he immediately stood, offering his hand out to her. "I'm so sorry, Princess!"
"Don't be." She smiled and took his hand. "It's my fault. You were sleepily staring at the ground; I had my head held up and was staring straight ahead. I haven't a clue how I still ran into you. But I'm sorry about that."
"Eh, no problem. I'm fine. Are you okay? It's early; you're usually up early, but never THIS early."
'A sleepy Luke is a cute Luke,' Leia mused. 'His expressions and hand gestures are so much more elaborate when he's tired. It's so cute.'
"I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep. I figured I'd wander around the base."
"Oh. I see." It might have just been her paranoid mind, but Leia swore Luke had glanced at her arm before his next question, "You sure you're okay?" Despite the urge to glance down, just to make sure blood hadn't seeped through (She was always very careful about that, but anyone could make a mistake.), she kept her head up and stared directly into Luke's burning blue eyes.
"Yes, Luke. I'm fine." A small smile graced her lips, in hopes of convincing him this was true.
"Okay. Well, since I'm already awake, you wanna hang out?" She couldn't hold back the giggle. Luke could be such a child. In truth, she was envious that he could always show his emotion, his selfishness. She had been taught not to.
"You really should go back to sleep. But if you insist, I suppose we could 'hang out'." She grinned at that last part. Luke smiled happily and grabbed her wrist.
Leia could swear he knew, because his fingers had wrapped themselves directly around her newest cut. She was always careful to cut higher up on her forearm, but this time she hadn't cared. She had been stupid and the knife had claimed a bit of skin just above the vein on her wrist, right where Luke grabbed her.
She didn't wince; he wasn't holding her that tightly. And besides, she had gotten used to pain aboard the Death Star. She certainly didn't ENJOY pain, but she could handle it. And this was nothing compared to that. But the fact the he grabbed her right where the cut was located frightened her somewhat.
'Does he know?'
"Come on! I'm hungry!" His enthusiasm was adorable. Maybe he didn't know. He seemed way too happy to know such a dark secret. Or maybe he knew and he was putting up a front. One way or another, Leia found herself being dragged by the hyperactive farm boy.
They arrived in a small room and Luke closed the door. This unnerved Leia a bit, but she ignored the memories that popped back into her brain.
He took a seat on the sofa and smiled at her.
"You gonna sit down?" She nodded and sat at the other end of the sofa. He bounced slightly in place.
"Are you always like this when you haven't slept?" Her head was cocked to the side and her smile was back.
"Uhh…I suppose. I guess I get one of two ways when I'm sleepy: I'm either annoyingly hyper or annoyingly zombie-like tired. And I haven't been sleeping well these past few days."
"Why not?" Leia knew it was really none of her business, but if he didn't want to tell her, he wouldn't. She had gotten to know him these past few months.
To her surprise, though, he turned to face her and looked her directly in the eyes.
"I'm worried about my friend." Leia stared directly at him. Her heart pounded in her chest, but her expression remained neutral. Was he speaking of her?
"And why would that be?" She was genuinely curious. More so, though, about whom this friend was.
"Well, she has this habit, you see. And it's not the safest habit, but that's fine. It helps her cope with all the bad things that have happened to her. But lately, she hasn't been doing this habit. I guess she's trying to stop or something. I'm just worried she's going to have a breakdown and hurt herself really bad." Leia's face still remained neutral, but she was certain he was speaking of her. However, until she was ready or he said something, she was going to go along with his little analogy.
"Why do you think she's trying to stop?"
"Like I said, her habit's not safe. There's a chance, a small chance, but a chance she could seriously hurt herself. Or worse, kill herself. And I think she knows this. I also think she knows there are people who really care about her. And I think she doesn't want to take the risk involved in her habit."
'You're very close, Luke.'
"I might be able to help if I knew what your friend's habit was."
"Cutting." His deep blue eyes never left her deep chocolate eyes. "She has a special knife that she uses. Her cuts are always small, though. So I never worried too much. As long as I kept an eye on her and made sure she was okay." Leia was slightly disturbed by this new piece of information. He had been watching her? All those times, his eyes had been following her every movement.
"How long have you known about her habit?"
"Not long. About two weeks, I'd say." He watched her intently, but she still showed no sign that she fully comprehended what he was telling her. But looks could be deceiving.
'He's known since that night? I thought I had covered up the wound. I thought he didn't suspect. I thought I was safe.'
"How did you react when you first found out?"
"I was scared at first. I was terrified she might slip and hurt herself beyond repair. But as time moved on, I realized she was going to be okay. She's always really careful with the blade and she always cleans up. I don't think what she's doing is the best way to deal with her pain, but I know she thinks she has no other choice. And like I said, it works for her. I've come to accept what she does as part of her and I love her all the more for it." Despite herself, Leia smiled at him. He smiled sadly back.
"So you're worried that because this has become her little stress relief habit and she hasn't been engaging in it, that the stress might become too much and she might snap and seriously hurt herself?" Luke nodded.
"Exactly. I'm not happy that she hurts herself like she does, but it's preferable to her accidentally killing herself."
"You needn't worry anymore, Luke. She'll be okay. I promise." Tears coated the princess's eyelashes. She fought to hold them back. She couldn't cry now.
"I can't help but wor-" Luke was cut off when Leia gently pressed her lips to his.
The kiss was chaste. Leia pulled back and Luke noticed the tears that made their way down her cheeks. She smiled sadly at him and raised her left arm up.
"I'll be fine." She pulled back her sleeve and revealed the small, red cut. Luke's eyes widened a bit.
"It was just a few hours ago. You were probably sleeping." He nodded and gently traced over the wound. Leia just watched with curiosity.
"I'm relieved. I'd definitely prefer you have some other way to vent, but I'm also glad to see your habit is continuing." He placed her arm in his lap and pulled the sleeve back further, exposing all her other cuts. With his index finger, he traced each one.
"Can I ask you something, Princess?"
"Of course." Her heart skipped a beat, but once again, if she was uncomfortable answering him, she wouldn't.
"It may be a bit out of line, and I know it's really none of my business, but why? Why do you feel the need to cause pain to yourself?"
"Alderaan, mostly." When Luke opened his mouth to protest, she cut him off quickly. "It is my fault. I don't care what you say; I could have done something to prevent its destruction. I may not have been the one to order its destruction, but I certainly didn't stop it."
"There wasn't anything y-"
"There was. Just drop it, okay. I blame myself, even if no one else does. You're not going to change my mind."
Luke sighed. She was right. The Princess was very stubborn; it was very difficult to get her to change to opinions on anything; one had to present a very convincing reasoning to do so. So he just shook his head and moved on.
"Why else do you do it? You said mostly Alderaan."
"Control. When I was on the Death Star," she paused a moment to shudder, "I wasn't in control of anything they did to me. All the torture, the pain. I didn't like that. When I cut, I'm in control. And I do like that."
Luke nodded, but forced his stare to the ground. Every time the Death Star was mentioned, Leia would get this look in her eyes. No one else seemed to notice it, but Luke did. It was a haunted look, one of pure terror. It always made him angry. He hated to believe that anyone was capable of scaring Leia that badly. Rage would surge through him as well as the desire for revenge. He was never certain of exactly what had happened to the Princess on that ship, but he had some pretty good guesses.
"I never did tell you about that." She let a small, slightly hysterical giggle escape and continued on, "But I'm sure you don't care to hear about it now. What's done is done. It's all in the past." Luke looked up at her. He placed his hand under her chin and lifted her head up so he was staring directly into her eyes.
"I never asked because it was never my business. But I have always wanted to know. What they did to you. Those monsters." The anger burned deep in his eyes. "And if it would help you feel better, I'm willing to listen. Anything for you."
Leia bit her lower lip. She did need to tell someone. That might make the night terrors go away. But at the same time, she didn't want to expose herself. It was already bad enough that she showed him her scars. Did she really want him knowing that much about her? Did she really want him pitying her?
No, she didn't.
And yet, she felt she should tell him. Luke had always been the one who made her feel safe. She had been so frightened that night she heard footsteps coming towards her cell. And when the door had opened, her fear escalated. But when Luke took off his helmet and introduced himself, when he looked at her with those loving blue eyes, she knew. He was safe. He was going to protect her.
Right now, she needed to let him protect her. She needed to put her guard down and allow herself to be vulnerable. Just for now. Just long enough for him to know the truth.
So she told him. She told him everything, every detail. She told him about how the Truth Serums were used first. Vader would administer specific amounts to her, and no matter what, she always seemed so strong willed. She never gave up the information. She kept a firm hold on her mind. Then, Vader got out the torture 'droids. The merciless 'droids did everything to her they were programmed to do, everything from jamming needles into her skin and under her fingernails to succumbing her to extreme temperatures. When she still didn't talk, Vader himself decided to see to her torture.
He'd chain her up and, using his Lightsaber, he'd cut into her skin. Every incision burned deep into her and even now she still had scars on her back, thighs, and abdomen. He continued this for a while, occasionally switching up the torture back to needles under her fingernails. This pained her the most. And all through the torture, he always injected her with some other drug, one she was not familiar with. It enhanced her pain receptors tenfold and caused her even more excruciating pain.
Then came the rape. Vader had given strict orders for no one to touch her while he was away. He was in charge of her 'interrogation', no one else. However, there were a few Stormtroopers who apparently weren't afraid of Vader while he wasn't around. The first time they did it was the worst. If anyone knows Princess Leia Organa, they know she is not one to give up. And she never did. Even as they held her down and tore her gown apart, she continued struggling. As they smiled at her their malicious smiles and asked if she was ready to give in, she spat at them. She was even able to knee one of them and he fell over in pain, but the pain did not match hers in any way.
Their little ritual of sadistic rape continued for a week or two, Leia honestly wasn't sure.
Finally, though, the ritual came to an end. And needless to say, Vader was not happy. Especially since her rape was what he had come back to.
Upon hearing the door open, the Stormtroopers stopped what they were doing and froze in horror. Though tears ran down her cheeks, Leia held her head up and stared at Vader directly, daring him to break her like this. The anger that had surged in him, it was like no other. Leia had been afraid while aboard this ship, many times had she felt fear, but right then, her fear was matched only by Vader's anger. She didn't think him to hurt her right then; she knew his anger was meant for the disobedient, vile Stormtroopers. But she couldn't help being afraid.
Vader killed the two holding her down easily enough. His saber slid through them like a butter knife. The other one, though, wasn't so lucky. Leia to this day still hasn't a clue what had been his fate, but she doubted it had been pleasant.
She admitted that after that, Vader hadn't tortured her quite as much. She assumed he thought she'd been through enough. He had, however questioned her about the rape. As she continued her story to Luke, she realized that what Vader had felt was almost compassion. Not only did he pity what she had been through, he almost felt overprotective. Leia hadn't noticed it before, but she was almost positive now.
But the worst was still to come.
Vader had allowed her a few days recovery before resuming her interrogation. He had even told her he admired her spirit. But he still had to get information from her. And if she wouldn't give the information away willingly, he'd torture her until she did so.
However, he wouldn't have to for much longer. Not even a day after resuming, Vader was informed of the Emperor's newest plan: the destruction of the Princess's home planet.
Leia was brought out and had been given an ultimatum: Tell them where the Rebel base was, or watch as Alderaan was blown to pieces.
She stalled as long as she could, but it was no use. She tried to make a deal with them, but they wouldn't have it. She was given two choices, and she had to choose. But she created a choice of her own: Lie. She 'told' them where the base was located, but they must have known she was going to lie because they still decided to blow up her planet.
She protested, begged even. But the shot was fired anyways and she heard millions of screams, millions of people dying, her millions of people. She stared in a catatonic trance. Her people were all dead. She had taken the responsiblilty to protect them and she had failed.
She was barely aware when Vader put his hand on her shoulder. He had to guide her back to her cell, for the Princess seemed unable, or unwilling, to move for herself.
That night, she didn't dream. She had no nightmares. She only stared at her prison door, willing herself to die along with all the people she had failed to save...
She needed not continue her story of pain. Luke knew the next part, anyways. He wrapped her shaking body in his strong arms, cooing to her sweetly. Anger burned deep in him, but he knew he must keep a firm hold on it. The fact that Vader had slaughtered the men who raped her made him that much more noble in Luke's mind. But that didn't change the fact that Vader had also been in charge of torturing her.
He won points by saving Leia, but lost them for hurting her.
The two just sat there the rest of the night, Leia buried deep in Luke's warm, protective embrace, his soft lips occasionally brushing against her forhead. He stroked her hair until she finally fell asleep. He was unable to sleep, though, and he just thought of all the ways he'd have liked to protect the girl he loved so dearly. He couldn't do anything before, but now, now he'd keep her safe. He'd never let anyone harm her again. Never.
So, what'd ya think? Hmm? And what is it with me and rape? Well, it makes for a dramatic and depressing story. So, I like putting it in. I in no way condone rape in real life, but in fanfics like this, rape makes the main characters' lives suck! So, yay for drama!
Also, what is it about me and evil Stormtroopers? I don't really know. Maybe I hold a strong grudge against them for something? Dunno, but they certainly are conveniet for stuff like this.
The needles under the fingernails is a wonderful reference to Miss Elizabeth Bathory, one of my favorite serial killers of all time! She'd also spread honey on her victims and let the bees go after them, but unfortuantely, I'm not so certain bees exist in the Star Wars world, nor do I want to torture poor Leia like that.
So, yes, please review and tell me what you think! And please, don't send me stuff about them being twins. I know this. I love twincest. I completely support CONSENSUAL incest. I am gross. I am vile. Whatever you want to think, but that is how I feel. If you don't like twincest, but like the fic, feel free to mention this. I just don't want crap like "Eeeww! Gross! They're, like, brother and sister. Don't you know that?" Heh...my little rant. (Besides, after rereading this, there really wasn't too much about their relationship that definitely screams lovers. This COULD be taken as a brother comforting sister type thing, if you wanted...(Totally ignoring the small kiss...))