Title: Without You
Author: DisasterousLetdown
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Pairing: Ryan/Eric, Mentions of Eric/Natalia
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Summary: No one completed me like he did, he seemed to be the other half that made me whole. I know now how stupid I was for thinking such a thing; he was never really the right one for me. xxMMxx

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: Miami, nor do I know any of the actors. This has been made up in my sick little mind for your viewing pleasure. None of this is real, just simply fiction.

Without You

In the beginning nothing could have been more perfect, once we got past the animosity and resentment, of course. No one has ever made me feel more loved, he made me feel special and unique. That was what he used to say to me, too. While everyone else called me a freak for my case of OCD, he said it made me who I was and he loved it because of that, because it made me unique from his past lovers.

I have never been with someone like him before; he made me feel things I never knew I was capable of. I am not a hopeless romantic, and I don't believe in fairytale romances, but what I had with him came pretty damn close. At least, that was what I had thought. Now, I can't help wondering if he had just used me. I have always heard about what a player he is and I can't help but wonder if I fell for his charm; his cunning words. Was he just playing me along, looking for only one thing and once he got it he would leave me behind in search of his next challenge?

He might have just been playing me, but I get the feeling that isn't the case with who he is with now. Before he and I got together he was with Natalia, but that baby scare pushed him away. He wasn't looking for a family, which is almost what he had with her, if she had been pregnant, that is. That was enough to scare him away, though, and he broke things off with her shortly after that.

Around this time was when he decided to pursue me. I hadn't made it easy on him, though. I was wary of his intentions; looking back now I know that I had the right to be. He was very persistent, though, and wouldn't give up. Little by little he got under my skin. I tried to resist his advances, but eventually he won me over and I agreed to go on one date with him. That date turned into another, then another, and then another, until we couldn't deny that a relationship was developing.

Like previously stated, our relationship was close to perfect in the beginning. No one completed me like he did, he seemed to be the other half that made me whole. I know now how stupid I was for thinking such a thing; he was never really the right one for me.

Etched with marks but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on straightjacket feeling
So maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing

I will admit that I miss the times when we would lie in bed and he would wrap his arms around me; rest his head on top of mine. Then there were times when he would tickle me mercilessly, holding me down with his weight by straddling my thighs, only to lean down moments later and take my breath away with a kiss. He would also sneak up behind me at times, wrap his arms around me and, with my head leaned back against his shoulder; we would stand like that for what seemed like hours. It's times like those that I will miss the most.

Memories like these remind me of what I am leaving behind, and they sadden me, but there are bad memories as well that remind me of the fact that I'm doing the right thing. He has hurt me beyond repair and there is no chance of reconciliation, I can no longer trust him. Then again, he didn't seem to want to work things out between us, he was probably more than happy to see me go. I honestly don't know where we went wrong; I don't think it was anything I did. I believe he just didn't want to be with me anymore, found someone else he wanted to be with more.

I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn't stepped foot in that locker room when I did. Would I still be oblivious to what was going on? He had kept it hidden for so long as it was. I still can't believe how long I was in the dark; it makes me feel foolish. I wonder if he would have kept up the charade until I either found out or he finally decided to tell me.

I don't know what I would prefer, but I know it hurt like hell to find out the way that I did. When I walked into the locker room that day the last thing I expected to find was Eric in the arms of Natalia. I had thought things were over between them. I guess once he finished having his fun with me he decided he wanted a 'real' relationship; wanted his ex back.

I had been so shocked to find him with her, I couldn't move, couldn't think, and words were beyond me at that moment. All I could do was stare at them, and it took them a while to notice my presence. They had quickly pulled apart when they saw me, though, and Eric had looked down at the floor in shame. For a few, long moments no one said anything. But once the initial shock had worn off I started yelling hysterically at him. Neither of them could get a word out, I left no room for them to speak.

I had suddenly gone silent, though, when he grab a hold of my arms and a dark glare came over my features as I practically wrenched his hands off of me. He had gotten me to stop yelling long enough to get me to listen to what he had to say, though, and that was what he really wanted. Tears filled my eyes as he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore; that he wanted to be with Natalia.

Apparently he had been seeing her for five months before I finally caught them in the act. He hadn't wanted to tell me when I asked, but I eventually pried the truth out of him. I had never thought of Eric to be a cheater. But I guess that just means you never really know someone.

What hurt me the most is the fact that he cheated on me, the fact that he strung me along and made me believe I was the only one for him. It would have hurt less if he had just broken up with me, at least then the pain wouldn't have been so unbearable.

I often wonder if he was just experimenting with me, because he had never been with a man before he got with me. Maybe he wanted to get the curiosity out of his system before settling down with a nice girl. Though, I don't see how that girl could be Natalia. Sure, there was a time when I had liked her, but now I dislike her with a passion. I believe I am entitled, though, considering all I've been put through.

When that memory slips away
There'll be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
And just the thought of you, I fear
It falls away

Just recently, however, I decided that I need to make a change in my life and there is only one way I can think of to do that. I have to move on, and there is really only one way to accomplish that, I have to separate myself from everything related to Eric. My plan is already in motion, in fact. I have already received approval from the Miami Crime Lab to transfer to the Las Vegas Crime Lab. I had contacted Vegas ahead of time, and they were in need of help, so they were more than happy to give me the job.

I don't want to leave Alexx behind, because I am very close to her, but I have promised to call frequently. I am sure she will call me just as often, as well, so that helps to make this life changing decision a little easier. I am going to miss Calleigh like crazy, however. She is the closest thing to a best friend that I have. In fact, she is more than that to me; she is like the sister I never had. I'm not sure how well I will handle not seeing her everyday, but I plan on visiting her when I have some vacation time and she has promised to do the same. As for Horatio, I have never really felt that close to him but am going to miss him just the same.

I have already said my goodbyes to the people that mean most to me and now I stand at the train station, waiting for my designated train to begin boarding passengers. I have been a little wary of planes ever since September 11th so I figured that going by train was the best idea.

It is a little scary, just up and leaving like this, but I am also eager to get out of Miami. And even though Eric has hurt me more than anyone ever has, I hope everything works out for him. I wish no ill on him, even though I, more than anyone, would have the right to.

"Ryan," a small but confident voice says from behind me; a voice I would know anywhere.

I release a deep sigh before slowly turning around. "What are you doing here, Eric?"

"I wanted to reach you before you left," he replies as he looks anywhere but in my eyes. "Please don't leave because of me, Ryan, you don't have to."

"Yes I do, Eric, we both know that I can't stay here. I need to move on, and I can't do that if I have to see you everyday."

"I'm really sorry for hurting you, Ryan. I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away. I know you probably won't believe me, but I really did love you… I loved you so much."

"You're right," I say softly as I look away from him, "I don't believe you."

"Ryan, a part of me still loves you, a part of me always will."

"Please Eric, don't do this, I don't want to hear this." I plead in a defeated tone just as the loud speaker announces that my train is preparing to depart. I barely glance at Eric as I pick up my luggage. "I have to go."

"Ryan, wait!" He practically shouts when I begin to walk away and this stops me in my tracks. "Is there anything I can do to get you to stay?"

I look at him sadly for a brief moment and then shake my head. "No, there isn't."

His face falls when he hears this and I have to keep my eyes away from his when I see tears fill those deep brown irises. "So, this is it, then? You're just gonna leave?"

"Basically, yeah. Just let go and say goodbye to me… alright?" My voice holds strength.

He frowns for a moment before managing a small smile as he hugs me briefly and then pulls away. "Goodbye Ryan," he says in a wavering tone of voice.

I smile warmly at him before whispering, "Bye Eric."

With this finally said I turn back around and take my first step away from what I had considered to be my life. Each step I take seems to get that much easier on me, though, and soon a wide grin forms on my face as I step foot on the train. I glance back at Eric to find him watching me with a crestfallen expression. I wave goodbye to him with the smile still gracing my lips. I am smiling because one thing is clear to me… no matter what happens from here, wherever my life takes me from here, I know I am going to be okay.

Yesterday was hell
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me
But today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

.The End.

Straightjacket Feeling - All American Rejects