Don't Make Me Let You Go
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: It took me a while to realize that, while I may be in her life, I don't hold her heart like she does mine.
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: Miami, nor do I know any of the actors. This has been made up in my sick little mind for your viewing pleasure. None of this is real, just simply fiction.
Don't Make Me Let You Go
when I look at you, you look at me
Like I'm not even there
I'm trying not to give up, to be strong
But I'm afraid to say I'm scared
I can't find the place your heart is hiding
And I'm no quitter but I'm tired of fighting
I don't know what it is about Calleigh Duquesne but I can never seem to get the girl off my mind. Ever since the day I met her I have been drawn to her like a moth to a flame. I really shouldn't need her as much as I do, it can't be healthy, but it is hard to imagine my life without her. I know that no one is perfect and we all have our flaws, but she is as perfect as a human being can get. She is the most strong-willed woman I have ever met and she is also a total sweetheart. She does everything in her power for others and does it with that incredible smile on her face.
I just don't know what to do when it comes to her anymore, though, because my love for her is honestly killing me. We have been dating for about seven months now but she still hasn't let me into her heart. I know that she cares for me, but I also know that she is having doubts. She is afraid that I will hurt her like all the guys in her past have, and so she is doing all she can to push me away and keep me at arms length. She picks fights with me over the stupidest things sometimes, and these arguments seem to be more frequent as of late. I never know what to say to her because anything can set her off. It is like I am walking on eggshells all the time and I hate it.
I believe the thing the pushed her over the edge, the reason she gave up on love, was falling for one of her best friends. For once she let her guard down, opened herself to love, and she got hurt again. She had fallen hopelessly in love with Tim and was devastated when he was killed. She never told anyone about their relationship, they are all still in the dark in fact. This fact was why I was so surprised when she confided in me. That was around the time things started shifting in our friendship; I had thought she was letting me in.
It took me a while to realize that, while I may be in her life, I don't hold her heart like she does mine. I have tried to be strong and patient, believing if I waited long enough she would eventually begin to love me in return, but now I am not too sure. We fight all the time, which is something we rarely ever did before, and it just seems to be getting worse by the day.
I hate to think that this could be the end of us but it is a fact I just can't ignore, either. We had a blowout this morning and she stormed out of the house shortly after; saying she wanted me to get out. I can't get what she said to me out of my head, though.
Ever since I began working at the crime lab everyone has made me feel like I don't belong; like the replacement for the great Tim Speedle. Calleigh never treated me that way, which is part of the reason I felt so comfortable with her from the very beginning. She made me feel that way this morning, though. "Things were so much easier when Speed was alive. You shouldn't be here, you don't belong. I wish you had never come." She had said this with tears streaming down her face and, at the time, all I could do was stand there and stare at her.
What bothers me the most about what she said is wondering if she truly meant it. Has she been harboring this resentment ever since I joined the team and just never said anything because she didn't want to be rude? I have never doubted her, but now I find it hard not to and it really bothers me. I highly doubt I will ever admit it to her, but she has hurt me, deeply. I don't know how I will move past this, but I know that if she apologized I would try to overlook it.
I guess I should have known this was happen, though, because it was a long time coming. I was hoping things would work themselves out, but that doesn't usually happen in the real world. I am so in love with her but maybe I should just accept the fact that our relationship was never meant to last. I should be happy with the time I was given with her, and I am, but I also don't want to see it end this way.
I love you, don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby I'm begging please and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
I have been sitting here for the past few hours since she stormed out, trying to figure out what I should do. I am honestly tired of all the fights, but I don't want to leave her. I love this woman with all of my heart and soul, but I know she is barely giving me anything in return. This isn't a healthy situation we have gotten ourselves into, but I don't know how my life will be without her… don't even want to find out what it will be like without her by my side.
She wants me to leave, though, and I can't exactly deny her that. If she wants me to leave then that is what I will have to force myself to do, no matter how much it hurts me to do it. If I leave, though, I just may have to leave the city. I can't see her at work everyday, knowing she doesn't want me in her life anymore. But I can't give up my dream job, either, which I have worked so hard to get. No, I will have to transfer to a different department. Unless I transfer to the graveyard shift, of course. But I don't know if I will be able to handle all the memories I have here at the lab. I guess I will just have to do some serious consideration, evaluate my options, and then make a decision.
I have fought so hard to stay with her, but, with all that it has led to, I have to wonder if it was worth the fight. However, a mental image of her face enters my mind whenever this thought crosses my mind and I have to say that it was definitely worth it. This may be the end of our relationship but I am grateful for the time I have been given with her. No one has ever hurt me as much as she has and no one has broken my heart as many times as she has, but I have no regrets. Given the chance, I would definitely do it all again with no hesitation.
I have never loved anyone as much as I love Calleigh, and I doubt I ever will again. She all I have ever wanted in a woman, she is the person I have been waiting all my life to find. That is why this hurts so damn much. It hurts to love her so much only to have our relationship fall to pieces. I would spend the rest of my life with her if I could, but that is no longer an option; I doubt it ever was. As much as I had liked to think so, I know that she was never really mine. She has been hurt one too many times and I am paying for other guys' mistakes. There really is no reaching her, and I am just beginning to figure this out.
I am unsure whether I should stay until she gets home or if I should leave before she gets back. She has been gone for quite a while, so she could be waiting, giving me enough time to get my stuff out before she comes back. Being here when she returns probably wouldn't be the best idea, it would likely result in another argument that I don't know if I have the strength for right now.
I don't want to leave, I desperately want to stay, but maybe this is for the best. I can't try to force something when it's just not right. I really have no choice but to let her go. It may hurt me at first but I'm sure I'll heal within time. I may never get over her completely but this isn't the end of the world. It will probably take some time to move on, but, eventually, I will be alright.
Maybe leaving and never looking back is what I am meant to do. I'm never going to be able to change Calleigh's mind, and maybe one day she will learn to love again, but I don't know if I can wait any longer. I am tired of fighting for her love. If she wants me out of her life… Well, I hope she is happy, because she has gotten what she wanted. I realize now that I deserve better than this. She better know that if I leave today, I'm never coming back.
if I'm long gone, it dawns on you
You just might want me back?
Let me make myself clear, if I leave here
It's done, I'm gone; that's that
You carry my love around like it's a heavy burden
Well, I'm about to take it back
Are you sure it's worth it?
With a deep sigh, I push myself off the bed and make my way over to the closet. I pull out a few duffle bags from the top self and place them on the bed. Returning to the closet, I begin taking out my clothes and placing them neatly in one of the duffle bags. Once the closet is devoid of all my clothing, I move on to the dresser and take out all the articles I own. Lastly, I place all my shoes in a separate duffle bag before heading into the bathroom to grab my toiletries and anything else I might have in the tiny room.
Wanting to get this over with as soon as possible, I head into the living room with a duffle bag in hand and scan the area for my things. In this bag I place all my DVDs, CDs, and books inside. Lastly, I remove all pictures of my family and friends from the various areas of the room.
In the end, it doesn't take me as long to pack as I originally thought it would. I guess I don't have as many belongings as I figured I did. I suppose that makes sense, though. After all, I sold my furniture when I moved in with Calleigh; now I wish I hadn't. Thankfully, I have a friend who I'm almost a hundred percent sure will let me stay with him; I would have nowhere else to go otherwise. Though, I am sure Alexx would take me in, but I don't want to impose on her like that.
Scanning the room one last time to make sure I haven't overlooked anything, I head back into the bedroom to grab my laptop. Once I have it placed securely in its bag I place it next to the rest of my luggage and realize just how pathetic I am. All of my possessions can be placed in three duffle bags; I had thought I owned more than that. Just shows me how pathetic my life has become and I have no one to blame but myself. I shouldn't have put myself completely into a relationship that wasn't concrete. Maybe then I wouldn't be screwed like I am now.
With a heavy sigh, I sit down on the bed and turn my attention to the nightstand on my side of the bed. I can't help but smile when my eyes fall on the picture of Calleigh and me. We had gotten it taken at the mall, which had been Calleigh's idea because I hate people taking pictures of me. Surprisingly enough, this one is my favorite. We both look so happy in it; she looks genuinely happy. I have my arm around her shoulders while her arms are wrapped around my waist with her head resting against my chest. What gets me about this picture, though, is the bright smile gracing her facial features. I haven't seen such happiness on her face in a long time.
Forcing my thoughts away from this happy memory, I pick up the picture frame and place it in one of my bags. I know this will only bring me painful memories, will only serve as an unwanted reminder, but I can't stand the thought of leaving it behind. If I can't have her I would at least like to have a reminder of our relationship, no matter how much it may hurt.
Despite how things have worked out between us, I hope that she finds happiness. I'd hate to hear one day that she never opened herself to love and ended up living a lonely life. If anyone deserves the very best this life has to offer it would be her. I sincerely hope she will be happy one day; settle down with a family.
Forcing myself to do what needs to be done, I grab two of my duffle bags and head out of the house. Popping the trunk of my Ford Focus, I place my bags inside just as Calleigh pulls into the driveway. I try to push away the anxiety building in my chest when she steps out of her car and I can't help but flinch when she slams the car door behind her.
She sets a fierce glare on my form as she walks by. "You're still here," this is more of a statement than a question and I grit my teeth at the bitter coldness I detect in her tone.
"Not for much longer," I respond in a flat tone of voice that stops her dead in her tracks. I just make my way past her, however; heading into the house.
Having her here, watching, is killing me. I can only hope that my internal pain isn't being expressed on my face. I don't want her to know how badly this is hurting me. I want to appear strong and determined, even though I am anything but. This whole situation will be a little easier if I stay calm and she allows me to just leave without any more pointless arguments.
I grab my last duffle bag and laptop from the bedroom, turning around only to find Calleigh leaning against the doorframe. There is an unreadable expression on her face but her eyes are focused on the bag in my hand. I close my eyes for a moment before letting out a long sigh and then gently guiding her out of the way as I walk past. I hear her footsteps behind me, know she is following me, but I try my best to ignore her. If I let her distract me now my focus will be detoured from leaving and I can't let that happen. I realize now that I have made my decision, I am not leaving because she wants me to but because I'm tired of fighting for her heart, and I am going to stay strong in this decision. There is no going back or changing my mind, I am really leaving this time.
Finally reaching my car, I place the last of my possessions inside the trunk before shutting it. Reluctantly, I turn to face the woman I love only to see her staring at me with that stony expression of hers. Finding that I have nothing to say to her, I fish around in my pocket for my keys.
Not even looking at her, I say, "I think I got all of my things out, but if you find anything can you let me know, or tell Alexx if it makes you feel more comfortable? I could swing by and get it, or you can bring it to work, it's up to you."
"So you're really leaving?" She asks in a guarded voice, staring at the ground instead of me.
"Yeah I am. It's what you wanted. Besides, I'm tired of fighting this losing battle. This is probably for the best, anyway. Some people just aren't meant to be together." I let out a sigh as I say this, looking at her sadly. "Goodbye Calleigh."
With nothing more to be said, and feeling my resolve breaking, I quickly move to the driver's side of my car. I can't break down in front of her, I absolutely refuse to. Once I am away from here I can break down, but right now I have to hold myself together.
As I am getting into my car her voice stops my movements. "Ryan!" Her voice sounds so desperate as she says my name that I find myself lifting my head to face her. There are unshed tears in her eyes and the most pained expression on her face; it tears at my already torn heart.
"Don't leave," she pleads, willing me to stay with her eyes. "Just… Please, let's talk this over. I can't bear to watch you leave, I can't let you leave. Please, Ryan, don't leave me."
"But we fight all the time Calleigh; you can't honestly say you want to live like that. You deserve better than this relationship, and… I deserve to be with someone who loves me, someone who will give their whole heart to me." I whisper this last part, unable to bring myself to say it any louder.
"Please don't say that, I don't wanna lose you. I do care about you, I swear I do. I haven't felt this way for someone since Speed died, and it scared me." I listen to each word intently because she is finally saying all I have wanted to hear, but what is eating away at me about all of this is she isn't even looking at me; she is staring intently at her hands. "I love you," she mumbles to the point where I can barely hear her and I can't stop the sigh of disappointment from leaving my lips.
"The really sad part about all of this is that I can't say I believe a word you just said." I look at her with pained eyes; allowing her to see just how much this is hurting me. "Just let go, Calleigh, because we both know you don't really love me."
She quickly rushes around the car until she is standing beside me and she takes a hold of my hand; looking straight into my eyes. "I swear I'm not lying. I know how I truly feel inside; I've accepted and embraced it. I am being completely honest with you; I only hope I'm not too late." Her voice is passionate and sincere as she cups my face gently with her hands. "I love you, Ryan."
It takes a moment for her words to sink in but, slowly, a huge smile forms on my face and she gives me that bright smile I love so much in return. I can't help myself; I pull her into a tight embrace and capture her lips passionately with my own. Her arms instantly wrap around my neck with one hand on the back of my head to hold it in place as she welcomes my tongue by opening her mouth.
With my right hand on the small of her back and my left on her hip, I pull her closer until she is flush against me. I greedily explore the roof of her mouth, run my tongue along her teeth and happily meet her tongue with my own. She tilts her head for easier access to my mouth, but when oxygen becomes an issue I am forced to pull away.
Contentedly, I rest my forehead against hers and just enjoy the feel of her in my arms. "So this means you're staying?" She asks, breathless.
"Yeah, there's definitely no way I could leave now." I reply in pure happiness, letting out a breathy sigh with a dreamy smile on my face.
"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that." There is an adorable smile on her face as she says this. "I am so in love with you, Ryan Wolfe."
I could never get tired of hearing that, I think to myself. "I love you, too, Calleigh." I feel so relieved to have finally been able to express how I really feel about her and have it returned in kind. "We should probably bring my stuff back into the house."
"Nah, I'd have to say that can wait," she says with a naughty smile on her face; raising her eyebrows suggestively.
My eyes widen in complete surprise, though I can't deny being pleased to hear this. I mean, just look at her… who could turn her away? I definitely find it hard to deny her anything. I love this woman so very much; I would give my own life if she so much as asked me to. Hell, she wouldn't even have to ask, I would gladly give up my life if it meant she would be able to stay on this earth a while longer.
Taking her face in my hands, I kiss her tenderly once more before we head into the house. Later we will talk about our relationship and try to resolve any troubles, as well as discuss any issues we may still have. But right now I am going to show her just how much I love her… in the most fulfilling way a couple can express their feelings.
don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't Make Me Let You Go - Blake Shelton