A Very Long Vacation
A Naruto fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: I assure you, if I did own Naruto, I would not be writing fanfiction about it. Though I could promise that the series would actually be about the title character and not Sasuke. I am not making money off of this either.
Author's Note/Explanation: If you have not read Chapter 385 of the manga, I suggest you go read that first before reading this.
I mean it.
Unless you want to be spoiled then you should go and read that chapter. Though I suggest you read it online for free-Maybe enough lowered sales will convince Kishimoto that his current direction with the manga blows.
… All right, good.
For the rest of you: This fic is a cracktastic mockery of the recent revelations about Itachi's true motives in slaughtering his clan. I've decided the heck with it, and I will write what my muse directs me to write for now. This story was developed with extensive help from my good friend Captain Sarcasm.
Now, with that long author's note out of the way, I am proud to present "A Very Long Vacation." Enjoy.
- - - - - -
Six Years post-Kyuubi attack
The Sandaime Hokage rose from his chair, dressed in a black robe. It fit the occasion, Itachi reflected; tomorrow would be a day of mourning indeed.
The destruction of his clan... To save Konoha. It was not a decision he took lightly, but ultimately duty overrode family.
"Every ninja in that clan is now an enemy of Konoha. Do what must be done. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy," Sarutobi ordered flatly. Itachi bowed.
"It will be done, Hokage-sama..."
The door abruptly opened, both ninja turning, prepared to deal with the intrusion in they way they did it best: Involving high powered jutsu to utterly annihilate the interloper.
Before the first hand seal could be completed, however, said interloper entered the room with a bright, happy smile and a plate of delicious cookies.
"Hello, Hokage-sama! I apologize for the intrusion, but your secretary wasn't in so I just let myself in," Mikoto Uchiha, Itachi's mother, said cheerfully. She held up the plate of cookies.
"You see, I was on my way to the orphanage to give those poor dears some cookies, but then I remembered how you liked them and decided to drop by! Care for some?" The Uchiha matriarch continued, her bright smile lighting up the dark office as though a ray from heaven were beaming down on her. As the sweet smell of chocolate chip cookies wafted through the air, Itachi slowly turned back to stare at the Hokage with his usual deadpan expression.
"... You were saying?" He asked. The Hokage coughed.
"Uh... I may have... Exaggerated just a bit..."
"..." Was Itachi's eloquent response as Mikoto handed him a cookie.
"Itachi, you shouldn't skulk around in the shadows so much," Mikoto clucked disapprovingly. "I know you do it to avoid fangirls but really, all it does is make you more dark and alluring to them."
Mikoto gave the Hokage a cookie as well, who accepted it with a strained smile. Mikoto snapped her fingers and smiled, embarrassed.
"Oh! I almost forgot. I'm so glad I ran into you Itachi." She rummaged around in her apron before producing an ornate kunai. She handed it to the stunned teenager.
"You forgot your favorite kunai. You know, the one you cut those deadly spines into so that your victims couldn't pull them out without excruciating pain? I just sharpened them a bit, they looked a bit dull."
"... Thank you Mother," Itachi coughed awkwardly. Mikoto beamed and looked between the two men. She then frowned as they continued to stare at her in a strange, guilty manner.
"Honestly, just what is it with you two today? You act as though your families were about to be murdered in cold blood..."
The Hokage coughed. Itachi gathered up his courage.
"...You're... not looking well... mother... I think you need a vacation," Itachi said in a very awkward monotone. The Hokage nodded vigorously.
"Yes... A nice, long, all expenses paid vacation... Alone..."
"Somewhere... Far away... And safe," Itachi continued.
"Vacation?" Mikoto asked with an innocent blink, "Why now?"
"Oh... No reason," the Hokage said with a smile. Mikoto raised her eyebrows, looking crossed and confused.
"You know the Uchiha Clan's Annual Barbecue is coming up. I can't believe you two want me to miss that! I think I have a shot at the grand prize this year with my sukiyaki!" (1)
"Mother," Itachi began, "we just think you should have a nice, long vacation... You really deserve it... Putting up with Father's, er... Eccentricities. I have observed them, they are… Most distressing for anyone… Especially for you," he finished.
He did not know how else to put it: "Evil Plans to Overthrow the Government of Konoha" would hardly go over well.
Mikoto's eyes widened, as though in sudden understanding. Itachi tried not to wince, he really did, but his wonderful mother, realizing the truth…
I'm so sorry Mother, I'm sorry…
"Oh... I see," Mikoto sighed. "Itachi, we need to have a little chat about "arranged marriages" and your father's old 'friends'..."
Itachi blinked, face paling even more than usual. Mikoto shook her head and gave her frozen son a hug.
"Now, first off, I want you to know that he does love you very much, but our marriage was arranged and to be honest, he was just never really into girls. Now, what you probably saw was him playing 'Evil Leather Ninja having his Way with the Brave but Foolish Ninja Hero trying to Save his Girlfriend...' with his 'old friends.' Now, your mother is not very happy about this but she doesn't have a lot of choice in the matter due to clan law so I put my heart and soul into being a good mother for you and Sasuke and serving the community, finding fulfillment while your father has his friends dress up in my clothes and-"
"Mother!" Itachi interrupted. "You really need a vacation."
"I insist on it!" The Hokage stated, nearly as pale as Itachi at this point. "All expenses paid, round the world cruise!"
"A cruise?" Mikoto asked with a childlike smile. "Really?"
"Yes. You see, uh, Itachi put your name into the Village Around the World Cruise Getaway contest, and you won!"
"I did?" Mikoto asked. She scowled. "Well then why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
"I just wanted to... Maintain the surprise," Itachi said weakly. Mikoto thought it over, before smiling and giving her son a big hug.
"Aww... That's very sweet. Thank you Itachi! Thank you, Hokage-sama! I'll go pack right now and-!"
A shadow clone of Itachi jumped through the window, carrying several large suitcases.
"Why, thank you Itachi!" Mikoto beamed, giving Itachi one last hug and kiss. "Though I really should tell your father-"
"No need! I'll tell him myself!" Itachi interjected. Mikoto grinned happily even as Itachi made two more Shadow Clones to push her out the door.
"You're so thoughtful, Itachi! Now just stay clear of weird pedophiles or cults out to rule the world, while I'm gone, okay? And look after your little brother for me!"
"Yes Mother!" Itachi waved as Mikoto vanished through the doors of the office. He sighed and slumped against the wall. The Hokage smacked his forehead.
"No offense, Itachi, but..."
"I know," Itachi sighed. "She's always been a bit... Off."
"It does make it hard to dislike her though," Sarutobi mused. "Now, about the plan...?" He stood back up, menacing black cloak fluttering in an improbable breeze.
"Yes Hokage-sama," Itachi sighed. He would give his life for Konoha and would slaughter his Clan for it (save his mother and little brother), but he would never feel comfortable with Sarutobi's odd theatrics.
"Now proceed, my apprentice…"
- - -
Seven years later…
"I'm back!" Mikoto Uchiha announced, bursting through the doors of the Hokage office with a broad sunhat, revealing sundress, and two large suitcases stuffed to the brim with what appeared to be crappy souvenirs.
"Hokage! I got so many great souvenirs for you and... Uh..."
Tsunade blinked. Mikoto's smile fell and she blinked back.
"Um... Have we met?" Tsunade ventured.
"... Tsunade of the Sannin? I thought you were still a wandering vagrant followed by your lesbian sex slave and pet pig, solving mysteries in a big green van!" Mikoto exclaimed.
"Uh... No... I'm the Godaime Hokage," Tsunade responded in a slow tone one reserves for the mentally ill. Mikoto frowns.
"Eh? What happened to the Sandaime Hokage?" Mikoto demanded.
"... He died... Exactly who are you?"
"Mikoto Uchiha, matriarch of the Uchiha clan! Who else would I be?" Mikoto growled. Tsunade blinked again.
"... Aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"Do I look dead to you?!" Mikoto stated angrily. She sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "Well, I should have expected changes... But being declared dead?! Oooh, I knew Fugaku would declare me dead as soon as he could, the bastard!"
"He's... Dead too," Tsunade managed. Mikoto blinked, thinking about it for a while. She smiled brightly.
"Well, I'm sure that Itachi and Sasuke are both outstanding, loyal Konoha ninja!"
Outside the Hokage tower, a female voice could be heard bellowing in rage:
"ITACHI UCHIHAAAAAAA! SASUKE UCHIHAAAAAA! YOU TWO ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!"
- - -
(1) Sukiyaki - Japanese beef dish