Fandom: Torchwood

Characters/Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Owen and Tosh.

Disclaimer:I don't own Torchwood all belongs to RTD and the BBC

Warnings: Spoilers for all Torchwood up to and including Fragments.

Bad language Jack being Jack

Author's Note: Set S2 After Fragments.

Wrote this because I thought it was faintly hilarious how Rhys had this little banger that the entire heroic team had to squeeze into in order to save the world!

Please review. Cheersies :D


"Yes Ianto."

"How do you propose that six fully grown adults fit into that car."

"He's got a point Jack."

"Yes, thank you for that Owen."

"Just sayin'.."

"Bet he's got some device that'll make it bigger on the inside."

"Don't be stupid Rhys of course he doesn't. Do you Jack?"

"No, Gwen I don't."

"Gees, you'd think that havin' a Time Agency based in Cardiff you'd have something-"

"It's not based in Cardiff Rhys."

"Think fast Jack, Tosh needs to sit down before she falls down."

"Here Tosh take some of these."

"What are they?"

"Industrial strength pain killers. They'll numb you up good and proper. Ianto you want one for your shoulder?"

"No thanks, they make me nauseas."

"OK Team listen up! Your esteemed leader has a flawlessly brilliant plan."

"This should be good."

"Shut up Owen. Tosh in the front, Rhys you drive, me, Gwen, Owen and Ianto in the back."

"Jack we won't all fit."

"You can sit on my knee Gwen."

"Not bloody likely!"

"Come on Rhys-"

"No way!"

"Fine. Ianto you can sit on my knee."

"Excuse me!!...No wait. Jack I'm NOT sitting on your knee, Gwen…Owen…Tosh little help."

"I think it's a great idea Ianto."

"Toshiko Sato, you're a traitor."

"Wait one minute before we do this- I'm not risking God knows how many penalty points if I'm caught with you lot in the back of my car."

"It's OK Rhys, if the police stop us Jack can just offer to let them sit on his knee."

"Now, now Ianto take it like a man."

"Don't worry Rhys we'll just flash our Torchwood badges and they'll leave us alone."

"And if that doesn't work you can always flash something else."



"Right Owen get in we might as well get this farce over with."

"Like you don't love it teaboy."

"You smell like a decaying corpse Owen the last thing I want is to be stuck in a confined space with you."

"Budge up."

"Ow! Gwen watch my shoulder!"

"Oops sorry Ianto."

"Jack move your hand."

"OK everyone that can put seatbelts on."

"Jack move your hand."

"Tosh can you pull the seat forward?"

"Move it the other way Harkness."

"Rhys can we put the radio on?"

"For Christ sakes Owen we're in the middle of an apocalypse and you want to put on some music."

"Calm the bap Gwen, all the best disaster movies have excellent soundtracks it's hardly an unreasonable request."

"Ianto Jones, if you keep squirming around on my lap like that then you're going to have to seal the deal and I don't care who's watching."



"Honestly Harkness you are a pervert!"

"So you are gay!"

"Jack if that hand doesn't move in the next five seconds there wont be any deals sealed for a very long time."

"See Gwen if the radio was on we'd all have been spared that disturbing mental image."

"I'm sure the girls don't find it disturbing Owen what with all he CCTV footage they've been ogling."




"Sorry Ianto, you should have known I'd find it."

"You're all disturbed. I'm the only sane, normal person in this car!"

"You're a zombie Owen."


"A zombie? How's that work then?"

"It doesn't matter Rhys."

"Well Rhys let me tell you a story of a devastatingly handsome, brave, witty, charming-"

"I'm sure Rhys has heard enough stories about me Owen."

"Shut your face Harkness.. as I was saying-"

"Are we there yet?"

"Jack! That hand."


"Oh stop whinig."

"Maybe if you kiss it better."

"Oh my God I'm going to actually vomit."

"Don't be stupid Owen you don't have a gag reflex. And Jack if that hand moves anywhere near my person I'll break it."

"What about this hand."

"Same goes for that hand."

"What about this."


"Jack can you please keep thrusting to a minimum this is a very small car."

"Sorry Gwen."

"If you kids don't shut up back there I'm going to turn this car around. Is that what you want?"



"This is good practise for if we have kids Rhys."

"Kids would be better behaved I think."

"I'm inclined to agree."


"I agree with Ianto and Rhys."


"Tosh whats our ETA?"

"2 minutes max."

"Thank Christ."

"Jack your tongue is also included in the 'Things Jack Is Not Allowed To Touch Ianto With For The Duration Of The Car Journey'"

"That's hardly fair."

"Deal with it."

"Jack get your hand off my knee."

"There's nowhere else to put it Gwen."

"Harkness get your hands off my wife!"

"Watch the road Rhys."





"Where exactly am I supposed to put it then? Maybe if you had a decent sized car-"

"Maybe if you gave me a raise-"

"Nothing to do with me talk to Ianto."


"Tell you what Gwen if you come to me in the Hub where we can sit down like civilised adults and bring me a packet of Prawn Cocktail crisps then we can talk."


"Can I get a raise if I bring you crisps?"

"What do you need money for Owen, you can't eat, sleep or shag?"

"Exactly so I got a Nintendo Wii and I want to get loads of games to play on it and get really good so that I can beat Tosh."

"You'll never beat me Owen- Do you not remember the infamous Tekken Tournament of October?"

"You cheated!"

"Actually Owen you were the one who was trying to get us drunk so you'd win."

"How come I wasn't invited?"

"No one loves you."


"You were with the Doctor."


"Jack why has that hand made a reappearance next to my crotch."

"Emmm that's not my hand."

"Not Your hand."


"Then whose is it?"


"It is not!"

"Gwen's hands are that big are they?"

"Then it must be Owen's"


"I haven't stooped to feeling up the teaboy just yet thank you very much."

"Are they always like this Tosh?"

"Only after near death experiences, it helps them get rid of all that adrenaline."

"Since when does Owen wear a vortex manipulator."


"We're here everyone get the hell out of my car."

What did you think?

Let me know-Reviews are adored!

Cheersies! :D