…You know, I don't know why the magical AU fairy inside my belly comes out every time it's something Sasori related. (LOL MPREG)
For Chromde, because I really wanted to do something nice for her and her support. And besides, I have no other way to express my appreciation for someone other than writing. It's sad, but true.
"So, how long have you been teaching again?"
"Twenty years." Lie.
"Are you any good at it?"
"Oh, of course." Lie.
"Are these GEDs accurate, along with this certificate that allows you to teach high school education?"
"Yes, they are." Lie.
"…Are you any good with kids and teenagers?"
"I love 'em." Big fat lie.
Jiraiya, the principal of Fire Country High School (home of the Ninjas, woo!), scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, I guess you've got the job then." He held out his hand. "Welcome aboard, new Woodshop teacher, Mr. Sasori Akasuna."
Sasori smiled deceptively. "Glad to be part of this wonderful school." Lie.
"I heard the new teacher is a rapper!"
A pink-haired girl gasped. "No freakin' way Ino, like a 'Yo, yo, dawg' rapper?" she whispered furiously.
A blonde girl nodded wisely. "Oh yeah, and Sakura, I also heard that he might be from da hood!"
"Why da hood?"
"That's just how rumors circulate in this school."
A blond boy plopped down next to the pink-haired girl, shaking his wild brush of hair excitedly. "No way, I heard he was a circus act, did tight-walks and all that shit," he drawled in a rough accent.
"Feh!" Sakura huffed. "There's no way he can be a circus-act, Naruto, not when he might be a woman!"
Naruto scratched his head. "How can he be a woman?" he asked slowly. "He must be a man, to teach woodshop!"
"How sexist," Ino replied drolly. "But girls do have more taste in teaching classes. All the smart women teach kindergarten, ya see."
A dark-haired boy, who sat behind Naruto, smirked. "I heard he might be a criminal."
Naruto opened his mouth to reply, but the classroom door slammed open, and a short, shaggy-headed redhead sauntered in, shutting the door with the heels of his feet and carrying a large backpack.
Sakura was amazed. "What is he, a new student?" she asked quietly.
Ino whistled. "I hope so. God! Look at that tight ass!"
The redhead turned around at the comment and threw a weird look towards the entirety of the class, pursing his lips in a disapproving emotion.
"I'd rather you not," he drawled in a light baritone. "I'd have to kill you if you did so openly."
A silence fell over the class.
And Naruto stood up. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "You can't say that! You'll get expelled for threatening another student!"
"Threatening?" the redhead repeated. "Another student? …How priceless. I'd give you a cookie, kid, but you're hurting my eyesight right about now."
"Wha?" the blond stuttered, looking at the redhead once more. "Who the hell are you?"
The man/boy/whatever smacked his forehead lightly with his oddly pale colored hand. "Oh, my fault," he said. "I'm Mr. Akasuna, your new woodshop teacher."
Sakura gasped. "But, you MUSTN'T be older than sixteen!" she exclaimed in amazement.
Mr. Akasuna opened his bag. "I'm forty-eight, actually."
The class broke out in frantic chattering. "Forty-eight?!" the pink-haired girl cried. "For him to look that young and good MUST be the work of God!"
Ino couldn't stop staring. "He's, like, everything sexy about a man wrapped up in one!" she whispered.
"Except for the minor lack of height." Mr. Akasuna was quite short for his, and everyone else's, age.
"Except for the minor lack of height, but I can work around that."
Naruto whistled appreciatively. "Man, is he smoking the fountain of youth or something? Cuz he just looks way too good to not be sharing."
Mr. Akasuna pivoted around, glancing at the class with bored eyes. He held a meter stick in his hands, smacking it against his palm in a steady rhythm.
"Hello class," he greeted with a sardonic smile. "Now, I suppose we should get a few rules straight before we begin this wonderful, exciting class semester."
He smacked the meter stick hard on Naruto's desk. "I do not appreciate any unseemly or inappropriate comments made towards me, my body, my age, my figure, or anything else Mr. Akasuna related." He licked his lips, glaring lightly. "I don't like you, and you'll soon learn that I'm not the gentlest teacher around either."
The meter stick twirled in his fingers skillfully, and he stepped back to the teacher's desk in the classroom. The ruler stopped when he jabbed his thumb on it, pointing it directly at Naruto.
Naruto groaned. "Why me again?" he whined, motioning towards the slight dent his desk had from the teacher's previous interference.
Mr. Akasuna's brown eyes squinted as he tried to look at the teenager.
"I've learned one thing in the three minutes I've been in this class," he said finally, still pointing the stick at Naruto. "You, the blond kid in the front, what's your name and age?"
"Naruto Uzumaki," he replied, adding a curt and unexpected 'BELIEVE IT!' at the end, which made him slap his hand over his mouth in horror. "Ah'm fifteen years old," he muttered from behind his hand.
"Well, I've learned that you must either be gay or colorblind," Mr. Akasuna said, looking at the boy's bright orange shirt, faded orange jeans, and blindingly bright orange converse in disgust. "I don't think I can handle that much brightness in one class period."
He pointed his stick at the white-haired teen who sat next to the dark haired boy behind Naruto. "Name, age," he demanded.
"Suigetsu Hozuki, sixteen years old," the boy replied in a cocky tone. "I'll be seventeen soon, though."
"This is a sophomore only class. What are you doing in here, exactly?" Mr. Akasuna asked.
"My birthday just comes early. I'm still a sophomore, since I've never been held back."
"Good answer." Mr. Akasuna said. Pointing the ruler at the dark-haired boy, he repeated the question.
"Sasuke Uchiha, fifteen years old."
This continued until everyone in the class room had given their names and ages to the red-haired teacher, who just smiled in a 'so boring' manner.
After all the introductions, the small man stood at the front of the class, smiling evilly.
"Third rule, we use sharp things in this class. Believe me when I say that I do not care if a finger or five are lost because you're a complete dumbass. If I can do it, why can't you?"
"You're a horrible, horrible man." Naruto whispered.
Sasori smiled at him. "Welcome to Woodshop, children," he purred. "I'll have fun failing you. "
"You guys get more rules than my sophomore class, so I hope you're proud of yourselves." Sasori announced to his second period, which consisted of twenty juniors and a supposedly really smart sophomore.
"First rule, I hate you," he said, walking around the class slowly, twirling his meter stick. "Second rule, any comments related to me in any way (including my ass, my hair, my body, my figure, my health, and the list goes on) will not be appreciated and there will be consequences. And yes, I am forty-eight, rumor mongers." He threw a dirty glare at the fiercely blushing girls in the front.
He tapped the ruler on each desk he passed. "Third rule, any appendages lost during this class due to your idiocy is not my fault, so keep all the bitching to a minimum, children."
Gasps rang through the class, and Sasori turned around cocking an eyebrow. "So a teacher using profanity is against the secret student code, am I right?" A few people nodded in fear. Sasori licked his lips, smirking at the class. "For the record, then, I don't give a shit about your codes."
"Fourth rule, you will not speak when not spoken to, which connects to the fifth rule, which is don't speak at all. Even when you're doing woodwork, I expect for you kids to be quiet at all times."
"Anymore rules?" a light tenor asked dully.
Sasori pointed his stick at the question-asker. "Your name and age, please."
The redhead flipped the ruler in his hand. "Since you want to be such a smartass, give me one thing you like to do in class. I'll make sure to enforce the exact opposite on you."
"Uh, not watch boys with their pants on?"
The class snickered, and Sasori smiled.
"Okay, smartass, I'll just ask someone else what you like to do." He looked around the class, his eyes falling on two pale, gray-haired students that were probably twins. "Names, ages."
"Sakon, Ukon," one hissed.
"Sixteen years old." The other followed up with a raspy voice.
Sasori smiled at them. "Well, you two look like you'd tell on a fellow student if it benefitted you in any way," he said lightly.
They nodded. "Of course we will." Sakon replied.
"It's not like we like them or anything." Ukon said. Most of the class threw them dirty looks, which Sasori glared at them for.
"They, at least, tell the truth, to me and to you," he drawled, tapping the ruler on his shoulder. "If it were me, I would've lied my ass off and gotten all of you assholes in trouble for no reason other than you're ugly. No offense, cancer patient in the back."
The 'cancer patient' coughed into his fist lightly, looking at him with red rimmed eyes. He tried to say something, but broke down into a series of hacking coughs and spasms.
"…Am I supposed to call 911?" Sasori asked in a bored tone. "Because I don't think it's quite serious enough yet."
The red-haired girl sharing the woodwork desk with him glared at Sasori. "He doesn't have fucking cancer, you shitwad!" she cursed. "He just has a goddamn cold, motherfucker!"
"Name, age. Along with Hack-a-Lung next to you."
"Tayuya, age sixteen," she muttered angrily. She jabbed a thumb at the 'cancer patient'. "Kimimaro Kaguya, he's seventeen."
"Is he dying or something?"
"I get sick a lot," Kimimaro explained, his voice whispering and scratchy.
"I can see," Sasori said. A student raised his hand. "What?"
"Doesn't Tayuya get in trouble?" he asked. "She just called you a bad word!"
The redhead snickered. "A 'bad word'," he repeated. "I can't believe someone your age still says that. I'm only guessing she's got Tourettes syndrome or something, so I can't hold it against her."
Takuya threw a smirk at the questioner, who looked away with an irritated scowl.
"Name, age," Sasori asked the question-asker.
"Kankuro, seventeen," the teen answered, giving Tayuya dirty looks at the corner of his eye.
Ah, isn't he that fucker's son from Sand? The teacher thought idly, smiling brightly. Well shit, I thought I escaped all of that.
"Where do all your last names go?" he asked aloud, mentally scowling at the Kankuro kid.
A serious-looking kid snorted at the question. "The same place all the licks it takes to get to the chocolaty center of a tootsie pop go, no one will ever know."
"Neji Hyuuga, sixteen-years-old."
"You just might get an A for that comment."
During his planning period (which was third period, as the school utilized the worst kind of scheduling… Block scheduling), he was visited by resident Physics teacher, Mr. Pein, or just Pein, as he insisted.
"You havin' fun so far with all your students?" the copper-haired, heavily pierced man asked, eating a bar of chocolate. He held out a piece for Sasori, who declined the offer.
The redhead leaned on his wrist, yawning. "They're pretty boring," he replied. "They get offended towards the smallest things, I swear."
Pein laughed, chomping off another chunk of Hershey's. "You might be very entertained with yer senior class then," he mumbled, almost choking on a misplaced piece of chocolate. He licked the sweet off his lip piercings. "If I'm right, which I am, you'll be getting a, uh, special group of students."
"Special as in Special Education as in retards?" Sasori asked, slightly horrified. What kind of school would give special education children Woodshop, which included sharp things like saws and knives and all that jazz on a daily basis.
"Nah, not that special. More like, 'What the fuck are you in this class for' special. They're, um, very big for their grade."
Sasori swiped a square of the chocolate from Pein, smirking all the while. "I can't wait," he purred, licking the bar slowly as Pein stared at him, almost dropping the rest of his chocolate bar.
"I could've just given you a piece," he muttered in amusement, biting off another chunk and chewing it steadily. "In fact, I did offer you a piece, fucking minx."
The senior class wasn't exactly that special, considering that only a handful showed up by the time Sasori got back to class from the principal's office.
Except, he probably thought too soon, for seconds before the tardy bell rang, a…eccentric group of students sauntered in, ordered in an organized line.
"Hey there, good-lookin'," one person from the group said in a thick accent, smirking. He slicked back his white-blond hair, waggling his eyebrows. "You feelin' up for a good time? All you gotta do is just call out Hidan and I'll come runnin'."
Sasori smiled. "I'm your new teacher."
Hidan frowned. "God-fuckin'-dammit," he cursed, stomping to what was probably his usual seat and plopping down in it. "This must be your fuckin' God trying to fuckin' fuck with me for my everlastin' love for Jashin!" he hissed at the student next to him, who had heavy-lidded eyes, dark wavy hair, and wore a mask over the lower part of his face.
The student rolled his eyes, scribbling on the desk. "My God has nothing to do with this," he replied. "This must be Jashin's way of saying bisexuality is bad."
"Wrong!" Hidan crowed. "Jashin's Bible has an entire fifty-seven paged CHAPTER that talks of bisexuality, and claims there is no gay or straight, there is just sex, so HA!"
"Wow that makes so much sense."
"HA! You fuckin' admit it, Kakuzu!"
"No, I was being sarcastic."
As the two continued their argument, the last tardy bell rang, and Sasori slammed the door shut ominously.
"Hey seniors," he greeted. "Are you ready for an exciting semester of woodshop and happiness?!"
One boy in the far back cheered, in which Sasori pointed his meter stick at. "Your name and age, please."
"Uh, Haku, sir," the long-haired boy answered sheepishly. "I'm eighteen-years-old."
"Well, Haku, there will be no happiness in here. Only woodshop, so I thought you might've wanted to be warned before you started getting really excited."
"Mr. Sexy's pretty fuckin' awesome," Hidan whispered to the black and white student next to him, with dark green hair and mismatched eyes. The student nodded back, unable to take his eyes off the teacher's backside.
The ruler was pointed right between his eyes. "You were staring at me so intently, so you must have something to say." Sasori stated, sneering.
The black/white student smirked on his black side, his golden eye on that side narrowing. "I was jus' goin' t' say that you've gotta pretty tight ass, teach'," he said perversely, sticking out his dark blue tongue in amusement.
"Are you stupid or something?" Sasori asked, cocking an eyebrow.
The student's black eye on the white side of his face widened. "Oh, no at all!" he insisted. "We're actually quite smart, but he did have a good point on your attractiveness, just to point out."
Before Sasori could answer, a blue-skinned student from the group shrugged up straight in his seat. "He's a little schizophrenic," he explained. "It doesn't get in the way of his studies though, and he's probably arguing with himself right about now."
The teacher nodded, pointing his ruler at him. "Name, age please."
"Kisame Hoshigaki, age nineteen."
"Yep, nineteen. I'll be turning twenty soon."
"Does the school allow you to be a student for that long?"
"Nah, but we're a special case."
And Pein's words came right back at him, making him smile a bit in a 'DAMN IT, I REALLY DID GET RETARDS' kind of way.
"Okay, you," he pointed at Hidan. "Name, age."
"God you guys are old," Sasori whistled, pointing at the long haired brunet next to Kisame. "Name, age."
"Itachi Uchiha, eighteen."
"So this would actually be your correct grade then," the redhead mused. "Continuing, name and age."
He pointed at the pale spiky haired brunet next to Itachi. "Madara Uchiha, age seventeen," he said in a perky tone. "But you can call me Tobi."
"I won't, but it's nice to know you tried. Back there, name, age!"
"Kabuto Yakushi," a silver-haired boy with glaring round glasses replied happily. "I'm eighteen."
"Great job on that," Sasori said blandly. "Now, I can start with the rules since there are apparently only eight people in this class, which I find to be only a little odd."
"Last semester's woodshop teacher kind of scarred us all for life," Itachi explained quietly. "Now nobody but the underclassmen wants to take this class. Oh, and because most seniors are taking that exciting new elective, what was it called, Kisame?"
The blue skinned man grinned. "Crossdressing 101?" he answered lightly. "Man, I almost chose that class, but then I remembered my vow and all that shit."
"Crossdressing 101, you say?" Sasori mused aloud. "…I think my brain just broke."
"Everyone's brain did, teacher."
The redhead breathed a laugh and began tapping the meter stick on his palm, like he did the previous class periods.
"Hello children, wait, I mean grown men who got lost on the way to the real world," he announced. "Welcome to woodshop. I am your teacher, Mr. Akasuna, and I hate most of you already. Especially you, freaky black and white guy with the one-eyed leer."
"I love you too, Mr. Sexy," Zetsu purred in a dark, grainy voice.
Sasori ignored him. "I have several rules that I expect you to follow, or there will be consequences." There was an extra hard smack on his palm in emphasis.
Hidan raised his hand. "Does that mean you're gonna give us a spanking?" he asked hopefully.
"Yes. I am going to give you a spanking," the teacher replied in all-seriousness. "And you know what else? My arms never get tired."
"Huh, well I'll be damned," Hidan whispered in amazement to Zetsu. "He'll actually give us spankings."
"Rule one, I hate you." Sasori began. "Rule two, like I told my other two periods, no rude or unacceptable comments will be made about me, and everything about me, all the way to a single strand of hair. Rule three, there are lots of sharp objects that will be used in this class, and I don't take responsibility for any missing appendages just because you're an idiot."
He stood up straight, moving towards the door. "And rule number four,"
The door slammed open, and the culprit tried to rush inside, only to have the edge of the meter stick pointing directly at his Adam's apple, hovering over the skin.
"I do not tolerate tardiness." Sasori finished, smirking. "Welcome to woodshop."
One blue eye widened and the redhead could only assume the other followed underneath the large, chunky single bang that hung down over the tardy bastard's left eye. Thin, white lips stretched into a shady smirk, and the student put his hands on his hips.
"Holy shit dude," he purred in a dark tenor. "You're pretty fuckin' hot."
"And you're pretty fucking not, now take a seat." The teacher instructed, retracting his beloved meter stick.
The student cocked the one eyebrow anyone could see, and crossed his lightly muscled arms. "Who th' fuck're you to tell me to sit down?" he demanded.
"I," Sasori began ominously, eyes narrowing. He smiled sinisterly. "Am your woodshop teacher, Mr. Akasuna. Now, who the fuck are you to talk to me as though you're better than me?"
The blond grinned, his tongue sticking out the edges of his pearly white teeth. "I'm Deidara," he said proudly.
"Great, and your age?"
"Nice, now sit down."
Deidara just smirked and walked slowly to his desk in a deliberate manner.
"We aren't getting any younger here, especially me, now get to your damn seat!" Sasori barked, smacking the meter stick on his palm loudly.
Hidan winced. "Mr. Sexy, doesn't that hurt you?" he asked.
"It's Mr. Akasuna, and no, it doesn't."
Hidan leaned over to Zetsu again. "I bet he's totally into S and M, totally," he whispered while Sasori was still glaring at Deidara.
"I wish he was," the half-toned man replied just as quietly.
The meter stick whizzed by their ears, making them jump in shock.
"Rule number two, men. Rule number two." Sasori reminded them with half-lidded eyes and a smile.
He stood up straight, not even bothering to retrieve the ruler. "Those are all my rules. And, everyone? Let it be known once more that I hate you all and I am not your friend."
"Now let's start woodshop."
"So, what do you think of the new woodshop teacher?" Naruto asked his friends as they loitered just off school property afterschool.
Sakura and Ino sighed dreamily. "He's sooooo gorgeous!" the pink-haired girl squealed, clasping her hands in excitement.
The orange-clad teen rolled his eyes. "Okay, anyone have something to say that isn't related to how sexy he is? If not, I do. That comment about me being gay just because I wear orange was completely uncalled for."
"Dude, I thought you were gay." Kiba replied.
"I'm bisexual, you ass."
"Everyone's bisexual these days. What're you supposed to be, special?"
Sasuke blew a bang of hair away from his eyes. "If we're done acting like complete asswipes, I have an opinion on him," he announced. "I find him to be a little suspicious, in all honesty. What kind of teacher talks so harshly to his students with no regard to what we could tell on him for? He's like those Internet newbs that start off aggressive in a RPG just because they don't know what the hell they're doing."
"Why the hell do you always compare people to your Internet RPGs?" Naruto asked exasperatedly.
"Why the hell do you always get offended when someone calls you gay?" Sasuke bit back.
Neji leaned against the metal link fence. "I think he's pretty cool. He called Kimimaro a cancer patient and gave me an A just for making a valid statement. Free grade!"
"He was probably thinking you were the biggest fag ever, though." Sai pointed out. "I told him outright I was gay, so I wouldn't get embarrassed like Foxy over here."
Naruto sniffed. "Shut up! And Neji, he didn't think you were a fag. He speaks whatever is on his mind, calling students gay and cancer patients." He scowled. "I don't think I'll ever get over that."
"Shhh!" Sakura shushed. "I see him in the parking lot!"
Everyone pressed their faces against the chain link fence to get a glance at the new woodshop teacher, Naruto even more so. They watched the man walk towards a compact, sleek black car with tinted windows, another man following closely behind him.
"Hey, isn't that Mr. Pein?" he asked.
"I think it is," Sasuke answered, pushing Kiba's face away from his. "What the hell is he doing there?"
Mr. Pein was laughing, leaning on Mr. Akasuna's car. They exchanged some words, the taller redhead grinning his white-toothed smile. Then the taller redhead said something else and made those odd "finger-gun" gestures, moving his wrists up and down.
"Is he hitting on Mr. Jerkface?" Naruto asked incredulously.
Sakura hit him. "Mr. Akasuna is not a jerkface!" she hissed. "He is very, very attractive and does not deserve your animosity!"
"He called me gay!"
Neji groaned. "I don't think you're ever going to get over that either," he grumbled.
"What're you guys doing?" A voice asked from behind them.
"Watching Mr. Piercings-Freak and Mr. Jerkface, what of it?" Naruto replied haughtily.
"I think I want to know who the fuck you're fuckin' talkin' about," Hidan retorted.
The group of friends turned around, very slowly, and Naruto gulped at the cold, irritated faces of the older students that looked down at them.
"Er, I'm really sorry for my insolence?" he said in a small voice.
Hidan pushed him and Sasuke away from the gate. "Yeah, yeah, fuck you too. Oooh, it really is Mr. Sexy!" he purred joyfully.
Sasuke shook his head in annoyance and prepared himself to tell the platinum-blond man off violently and loudly, but one look from his brother shut him up good.
Deidara squeezed in between Sasuke and Hidan. "Mr. Stick-Up-The-Ass is so surprisingly hot," he commented, eye following the man's every move.
Naruto glared. "Hey!" he whined. "I'm the only one allowed to give Mr. Asshole mean nicknames!"
"Shut the fuck up, yeah." Deidara responded, still watching Mr. Akasuna.
"I think we're being watched. In masses." Sasori commented from his car.
Pein still leaned on the doorframe. "Eh, probably a bunch of your first period. You were so lucky to get landed with the Rookie Nine. Except for the part you weren't, though," he answered, admiring his nails.
The older man cocked an eyebrow. "Rookie Nine? What the hell kind of gay team name is that?" he asked.
"The name is completely inaccurate. It's probably ten or eleven now, the Naruto kid makes friends like flexible whores make money. They're basically a bunch of friends that've hung around each other for years and shit. Usually they stay 'inside' the group, but the Sasuke kid branched off to other groups smartly. The Rookie Nine, altogether, freak me the hell out. Especially the Naruto kid."
"Naruto? About this tall, blindingly dressed, gay?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"He freaks me the hell out too. That smile was probably stolen from Satan."
Pein grinned. "We've got so much in common." He looked over the car hood at the gate that surrounded most of the parking lot. "Aw damn, it's those crazy kids."
The other redhead looked out the passenger's side window. "What crazy kids? The Rookie Nine?"
"Yeah, and Akatsuki."
"You guys have the gayest names for all your friendship teams."
The pierced man shrugged. "I made up the name and group myself, actually. I'd tell you why, but you've got to promise not to going around blabbin' about it."
Sasori snorted. "I hate all the students and 98 percent of the staff. I think I'm entitled to not talking about your deep, dark secret."
"Hmm," Pein hummed. "All right. The older-than-usual seniors and three actually correctly aged seniors used to be my students. We have a sort of secret society going on, in which everyone in the group stays together as long as possible. And to make a long story short, until Itachi, Tobi, and Deidara graduate, the other three will be at that school. Then we'll all be going to college."
"And after that?"
"I guess we'll take over the world or something, I dunno. I mean, it sounded good in the beginning when we first met up. It's kind of like you get a bunch of lost souls that don't know why they exist and suddenly give them the choice of a reason. Why wouldn't you join in?"
The redhead chuckled. "The idea itself is preposterous," he said. "But…I'll make sure not to fail any of those kids."
"Ooo, do you think you can possibly have sex with Orochimaru? That guy is dead set on failing my kids, despite how they're actually great at Math."
"You're asking a little too much, Pein."
"Come on…what about a blowjob?"
Sasori rolled his eyes. "I'm not giving that unnatural sexual pervert a blowjob," he answered tersely.
"I wasn't talking about him." Pein waggled his pierced eyebrows with a smile.
"Is there some sign on me that's all red and round and says 'EASY'?"
"Hey teacher, what's hot(ter than you), yeah?" Deidara purred, leaning against the older man's car. He must've materialized out of air. "I noticed you sitting around, talking with Mr. Penis over here and I said, I just said, 'Goddamn that guy has a hot ass, maybe I should try talking to him and maybe tap some of it', yeah."
Sasori and Pein stared at him.
"I'm sorry, who the hell are you again?" Sasori asked sweetly.
Deidara faltered. Then he straightened, still leering. "I'm Deidara, I'm from Rock Country, I like to bomb shit, and I think you're really hot."
"Oh, now I remember you!" Sasori started his car. "You're the tardy bastard that thought talking to me any kind of way would work."
The blond grinned. "So…does it?" he asked.
"Not at all." And he revved up his car, reversing suddenly and making to two next to the vehicle jump away in horror.
"Holy shit, yeah!" Deidara cursed at the quickly departing automobile. "You almost ran over my fucking foot, yeah! You're a fucking maniac!"
The car made an abrupt U-turn, and drove straight for Deidara, who jumped out the way in terror.
Sasori rolled down the tinted window. "Thanks, and I'd suggest you watch yourself," he threatened with a smile. The blond just stared at him, gaping in shock. The redhead barked a laugh and smirked, rolling the window back up and his tires screeching as he drove off again.
Pein held out a hand to Deidara. "That should've taught you some sort of life lesson," he said in amusement, pulling up the teen. "So, the moral of this is?"
"…Mr. Akasexy is really fucking hot when he's trying to kill you."
"That's right, Deidara. That's right."
The 'Rookie Nine' and the 'Akatsuki' watched the car go, eyes wide.
Kiba spoke up first.
"BEST. WOODSHOP TEACHER. EVER."
"I said make a door, Bright Lite, not a block of wood." Sasori scolded, cocking a thin eyebrow.
Naruto rolled his eyes, passionately. "Oh right, I keep forgetting there's a difference."
"It's not that hard, Bright Lite. Just measure the wood, cut it accordingly, and add a hole. A hole, retard! Not a…square."
"It's not a square!" the blond snapped. "It's a squircle, which is like a circle…only square."
"…Do you like the letter F?"
"Not really. Why?"
"Because that's exactly what you'll be getting for this shit if you don't take it seriously." And the redhead teacher walked away to criticize some other sucker's woodwork. Naruto huffed and scowled as he started carving something into his 'door'.
Karin, who sat beside him, looked at his carving, and blinked from behind her square glasses. "You know, a lot of people would be kind of freaked out that you're carving a graphic picture of you killing your woodshop teacher on your woodshop project."
"Yeah, well, a lot of people would be freaked out that you dress like a slut." Naruto retorted, still carving.
Suigetsu barked a laugh from his spot next to Sasuke, but the dark-haired boy jabbed him in the ribs.
"But it's true," the white-haired teen whined, rubbing his ribs.
Karin sniffed. "Don't get pissed at me 'cause Mr. Akasuna caught on to your sexuality."
"Sasuke!" Naruto whined. "Your slutty whore friend called me gay!"
"Don't call Naruto gay, Karin." Sasuke muttered distractedly.
"But your homo faggy friend called me a slut!"
"Don't call Karin a slut, Naruto."
"No Naruto, you can't call her a whore either. No gay names for you as well, Karin."
The two pouted and looked away from each other, secretly calling the other as many derogatory terms as possible in their head.
The blond decided to poke his head over to Sasuke and Suigetsu's desk afterwards, looking at his best friend's carving. "What's that?" he asked curiously, referencing the elaborate barbaric man and anthromorphic wolf that adorned the design on Sasuke's door.
"A level forty-nine Class B Warrior and a level fifty-eight Class D Werewolf." Sasuke answered. "They're from the online RPG Darkness Quest. I play as both on the occasion, but usually I use my favorite level eighty-two Class A Ninja."
"…Wow, I don't even play World of Warcraft." Naruto muttered.
Suigetsu snorted. "That game isn't even worth it. You should try Adventure Quest!" he recommended with a toothy grin.
Sasuke glared at him. "Why would you recommend that atrocity of a game? The graphics are disgusting and half-assed, along with the battle system and the actual plot. Adventure Quest gives Online RPGs a bad name."
"You're only jealous because you can't even level up to level twenty-three right on that game."
Juugo, a fellow friend of Sasuke, Karin, and Suigetsu, smiled. "I like Final Fantasy XI, which counts as an online RPG."
Suigetsu cut down his wood with a smile. "Yeah, that game is pretty awesome."
"I have to agree." Sasuke said as well.
"Me too." Karin chipped in.
And the group of four was back in good graces once more. Juugo possessed special powers like that.
"If you are done lacking a real life, children," Sasori said sarcastically, popping up. "I'd like for those doors to be done. And I mean by tomorrow at the latest. You might want to fix your shit as well, Bright Lite."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Stop whining, it's very unseemly." Sasori walked away once more.
Sakura blushed. "He's so cool!" she gushed. Naruto looked at her door.
"Are you seriously carving Mr. Asshole's name and hearts onto that block of wood?"
"Yes. What of it?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all."
"No drawing, smartass!" Sasori barked at the choppy-haired brunet, who frowned.
"But," Sai retorted. "I'm not drawing…I'm carving. There's a difference."
"Well, no carving either!"
"Except, I don't really want to stop."
Sasori nodded. "Ooooh, I'm not asking you to stop, I'm telling you to stop. Now make an ugly, bare door!" he commanded, smiling at the irked smile the apparently homosexual boy wore.
"Hey, teacher!" Tayuya called. "Fuck this shit!"
"Ha ha ha, fuck your shit too." The redhead replied, smiling. He walked down the rows, eyes in their common heavy-lidded state, and lips in a thin line. He stopped.
"What the hell is that?" he demanded.
Kankuro paused, trying to hide the design of a wood carved puppet with his muscled arms. "It's, uh, it's…" he struggled.
Beautiful… Sasori thought, scowling. I want a reason to fail him, but he handles woodshop so well!
"…Hiroku." The shaggy-haired teen finally answered.
"The Legendary Puppet?" the teacher asked, more interested than he'd like to be.
"Hmmm, you get an A." I wish he didn't fucking deserve it.
Kankuro looked up at him in shock. "But, you gave Kimimaro a C and his was much more elaborate than mine!"
"Yeah, but Kimimaro had some kid from my first period on his door, and that scared the shit out of me." Sasori replied, running his pale fingers through his red hair.
"Juugo is a beautiful boy!" Kimimaro shouted passionately from across the room, and then he collapsed back in his seat with a horrible coughing fit.
"See what I mean?" The teacher said blandly. Kankuro nodded, face kind of irked.
"Neji!" Sasori said suddenly, walking in the direction of said junior. "What are you carving on your door?"
"Because I'm already done."
A few murmurs ran through the class, mainly on how it was impossible for him to be already done when they just started.
"What are you—…A plus."
Neji smirked. "Thanks."
"The bitchslapping is a nice touch."
"You get extra points for the stick figures."
"Nice, I know."
"And the fact that it's Deidara? Pure. Gold. Double A plus."
"I knew those art lessons would be useful."
"Soooo, what do you think about you, me, and handcuffs with no key?"
"Pein, I'm eating. Please wait until I've swallowed to spurt your disgusting pick up lines." Sasori chewed at his potato chip. "Okay, I'm done."
The copper-haired man huffed. "Such a spoilsport. So, rumor has it that you are the single most awesome and ridiculous teacher since Mr. Sarutobi. I hope you're proud."
"Except for the part where I don't care. If they can't do what I ask them to, then they fail."
"And if they do?"
"Then they pass with flying colors. Back in my day, there were no number grades. It was just A, B, C, D, and F. I hated F."
"I noticed. By the way, did you ever notice how when you talk with an evil expression you look kind of hot?"
"Really?" Sasori replied in faux-shock. "And did you know that when you step out in the sun, the piercings from your face have to power to temporarily blind aliens?"
"I teach Physics. Of course I knew." But he really didn't know, now did he?
"Of course, Pein. You are absolutely correct."
"Don't fail my kids, please!"
"Dearest Mr. Sexy," Hidan read aloud from the carving he just finished. "I'd love to make sweet, sweet love to you, but my religion doesn't allow that. Jashin wants me to slam into you long and hard until you need a wheelchair for the next week. So, would you accept these words from your actually legal student and let me tap that? With love, Hidan. So, what do you think?"
"I think I'm going to puke." Itachi said blandly, measuring the circumference for his door.
"I second the notion, yeah." Deidara grumbled, carving roughly into his door.
Sasori just stared at Hidan. "You are so lucky that I won't be failing you. Haku! What are you doing? Give me that phone!" He stomped over to the poor senior.
Haku looked up slightly in a panic, a slim, black cellular phone at his ear at a certain angle. "Oh shit," he whispered on the phone. "I've been caught. …. Mr. Akasuna's class. … He is rather hardass, isn't he? … Awww, I love your ass too. … I love you more!"
"Any day now, Haku." Sasori warned, holding out his hand.
"He's getting pissed. Gotta go! … Love you too, bye Zabuza." The long-haired brunet handed the short teacher his phone. "Take care of it! It's a new edition RAZR!"
"And I care again, why?"
"My highly volatile and extremely buff boyfriend got it for me. It was an anniversary present."
Sasori blinked. "Uh…huh." He threw the phone into a desk drawer, in a teacher-like fashion. "I still can't say I care. Sorry."
He walked over to Itachi's door, and nodded with a twitch of the lips. "You're the only student that has taken the time to actually measure and perfect their door. I like the way you're different."
"I prefer perfection." Itachi replied quietly. "It's a very refreshing feeling to have."
"Indeed. Well, consider yourself having an A for this project."
"I thank you."
"Great. Deidara, what the fuck is that?" The redhead gestured towards the detailed carving of an obvious explosion and a very familiar building in the midst of it.
The blond looked up slowly, childishly grinning. "What does it look like, teach, yeah?" he retorted. "It's me blowing this fucking school up into smithereens! Oh yeah!" He pumped his fist in the air victoriously. "Then I'm gonna burn this to get as close to the real thing as pos-si-ble!"
"What kind of shit is this?" Sasori demanded, glaring.
"You want to call this crap art? This wouldn't even pass as a third-rate comic book!" Sasori made a dismissing gesture.
Deidara cocked the visible eyebrow. "And?" he replied. "Art isn't supposed to last long anyway, yeah! That's just boring, teach!" He picked up his door. "What's so cool about a block of wood with a design? So you can just stare at it, yeah?"
Sasori snorted. "Oh yes, I forget how utterly exciting the feeling of flashing 'art' is," he said sarcastically.
"See what I mean?"
"And then what do you feel after that, brat?" the redhead purred, smiling maliciously. "Nothing. Just disappointment. You're only setting yourself up to get let down, kid. Accept the long-lasting variations of art, where the natural high only spikes due to the eternal beauty that it contains."
Deidara grinned, tossing the wood in the air.
And then he kicked it in midair, causing it to break into several more pieces.
"Now wasn't that exciting?" he said, crossing his arms. "That is art, yeah! Pretty to look at, and cool to watch it go, ya dig?"
Sasori looked at the wood on the ground in almost horror.
"Detention," he grounded out. "For three fucking days, brat!"
Deidara faltered. "Wha—?"
"Don't question me." The redhead snarled, and he stomped over to his desk, scowling all the while.
Hidan looked at his door. "Jashin says that you are now in the least likely number to be tappin' that ass," he announced to Deidara.
The blond huffed. "Not like I ever wanted to anyway, the unartistic jerk, yeah!" he grumbled.
"Four days, brat!"
"Jashin says that my chances of gettin' laid have increased. Thanks Deidara!"
Afterschool, the two sat in the mostly vacant classroom, scowls adorning both their faces.
"If you admit that eternal art is better, I'll let you go." Sasori bribed with a stiff smile.
Deidara snorted. "Fuck that, yeah, with a ten meter pole upside down. I'm stickin' with my theory of how art is a bang, yeah," he snapped back.
"Then we'll be getting really closely acquainted for the next few days, now won't we?" the redhead purred, although not really anticipating the thought.
"I guess we will."
They sat, silent.
"So…" Deidara started. "Do you like Picasso?"
"Yes. I love Picasso. And you?"
"I like to buy his works and pile them in my backyard for a SUPER bonfire, yeah. So, I love him too, since he makes the greatest s'mores."
"I am this close to smacking the silly out of you."
"Okay…uh…do you like bombs?"
"I hate everything you apparently love, brat. Stop trying."
Deidara scratched his head. "Do you love the cock?" he asked with a grin.
Sasori blinked lazily at him. "Is that a proposition?" he replied blandly.
"And what if it is?" purred the blond, who stretched in his seat in an effort to show off his lean muscles. "I'm mean, you are pretty hot, and I'm totally legal. Let's do it, yeah!"
"Look…kid…I'm not going to have sex with you." The teacher said, chuckling in amusement.
"What about heavy petting?"
"Not happening." Sasori leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. "Just shut up and sit there. We've got forty minutes left, brat."
Deidara huffed and laid his head on the desk. "Ya can't blame me for trying, yeah," he mumbled.
"Yes I can, and I will."
"Ugh…you just love the last word, don't you?"
"How ever did you guess?"
"HA" Naruto crowed triumphantly. "Take THAT Mr. Asshole!"
Sasori looked over at the blond. "What did you just call me?" he asked slowly.
Naruto's smile fell. "Er, Mr. Akasuna?" he answered in a small voice.
"That's what I thought. Now what were you shouting about just a moment ago?"
"Oh!" The blond displayed his door. "I finished! In your face, teacher!"
"Is that me?" Sasori asked, referencing to the man that was getting stepped on by a rather large paw. "And what the fuck is that big thing?"
"That's…uh…that's…Kyuubi." Naruto said, blushing.
"Who the hell is Kyuubi?"
"My brother…but don't let that fool you!" the blond flared his nostrils and glared. "He could kick your ass anytime of day, Mr. Akasuna!"
"And I care again why?"
"Because! If you don't stop messing with me, I'll make him fuck your shit up!"
Sasori blinked. "Okay…I hold you to that."
Sakura looked at Naruto in faint disgust. "I really hate you, Naruto. I really do."
"HA!" the blond chuckled. "I'll make HIM regret giving me an F!"
"Pinocchio was a horrible theme of puppetry. It disgusts me, even to this day."
Kankuro nodded in agreement. "I hate the Muppets." The brunet began stringing up a puppet. "They scare the living shit outta me."
"True, true. We have so much in common, which is funny because I hate you from the bottom of my very being and wish you would be engulfed in flames right now."
"Yeah." Kankuro looked up. "Wait, what?"
"Nothing. Smartass! Put down the pencil! I see you drawing!"
Sai sniffed, insulted. "Fuck you, sir." The brunet said with a smile.
"I'd rather not. Now give me all of your writing utensils."
Sai handed the teacher the pencil in his hand. Sasori gave him a disbelieving look and gestured for the rest of the pens and pencils and markers and crayons. The teen grudgingly gave him his backpack itself, which was filled to the brim with said writing utensils. The redhead shook his head and took the backpack to his desk.
"Okay children," he announced. "Writing assignment time!"
Sai was incredulous. "You can't possibly be serious—"
"You are now to write a one-page essay describing what is wood. It is due at the end of this class."
Most of the students in the class immediately started pulling out paper and pencils, while Sai sat in his seat, speechless. Which, to be truthful, was a first.
"Hey, Homo," Sasori called. "Get writing!"
"But you took all of my writing tools!" The smile was getting twitchy.
"Ah, so I did. Borrow a pencil from someone, then."
"I…I think I hate you, Mr. Akasuna."
Sasori laughed. "Believe me when I say you wouldn't be the first kid to say that."
"Wood is really hard, like my cock. It is also rough when it has to be, like my cock. If I get a chance to in this class, I would mold it into shapes. For example, my cock." Hidan recited from his paper in front of the class.
Sasori sighed. "I don't even know what to do with you anymore," he muttered.
"Well, I have a few ideas—"
"Be quiet and sit down, Hidan. Next up, Zetsu."
The two-toned man came to the front, and coughed into his fist. "Wood is…" the calm, white side began. "Fucking boring. Can we talk about your ass instead, teach?" the more volatile, black side finished.
"Sit down. Itachi please."
"Wood is hard, fibrous, lignified structural tissue produced as secondary xylem in the stems of woody plants, notably trees but also shrubs. It conducts water to the leaves and other growing tissues and acts as a support function, enabling plants to reach large sizes. Wood may also refer to other plant materials and tissues with comparable properties." Itachi said in a monotonous voice, looking at his paper.
"Did you seriously know that by heart?" Sasori asked incredulously.
Itachi smirked. "I edit Wikipedia."
"Uh huh. Okay, next up, Kakuzu."
"Wood makes up almost every tree. Which tree it doesn't make up, I can't tell you, because I don't know. It is also used to make paper and rubber, but not so much rubber. The word 'wood' has four letters and rhymes with 'good', which must mean 'wood is good'." The tall, scary looking man recited, cracking his neck every few words.
"Wood is good. Thank you Kakuzu. Madara, your turn."
The slim, pale teen stood up and smiled brightly. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" he asked. "This is not a question easily answered, as no one truly knows whether or not woodchucks can chuck wood. After all, who would want to eat wood? Except for termites. Termites are just weird like that. They're horrible examples in today's society, no better than the common teenager that TPs someone's house."
"Madara, please shut up."
"But I wasn't done!"
"Shut up, Madara, and sit down!"
The black-haired boy just sighed and sat down next to Itachi. "My genius is so underappreciated…" he grumbled.
"Of course. Deidara, you're up. And I don't want any bullshit from you, either."
"Whatever," the blond replied, standing up lazily. He brought his paper to his face. "Wood is fun because it burns so easily. Seriously, I don't use my heater; I use my fireplace, in which I throw anything with a wooden frame in during the winter. Wood fucking rocks!"
"I'll talk to you afterschool in detention, Deidara."
Hidan was shocked. "I like to burn shit too!" he cried. "Don't I get some alone time with you too?!"
"Hidan, I'll take off my shirt if you shut up and calm down."
The platinum blond man immediately quieted down, smiling.
"And you believed me?" Sasori barked a laugh. "That was too amusing."
"Oh come on!"
Sasori rolled his eyes, pushing at Deidara's hard chest lightly. "Get off of me, brat," he said.
The taller blond grinned, pressing himself closer to his teacher. "But Mr. Akasexy, you told me to clean your board!" he replied sweetly, moving the rag in his hands on the whiteboard as an example.
"Get off of me, Deidara."
"I'm only doing what you told me to, yeah!"
"And now I'm telling you to get off of me."
Deidara smirked. "And what're you gonna do if I don't, yeah?" he mocked, pushing ever so closer.
Sasori grabbed the tall teen by the waistband of his jeans and pushed him away roughly. The blond stumbled back and fell over on the teacher's desk. Sasori stood over him, crossing his arms and looking down at him in contempt.
"Don't try me, kid," he warned.
Deidara cocked an eyebrow. "I think I'll pull a teenage rebelling stage and defy authority, yeah." He leaned up quickly and grabbed Sasori's wrists, pulling him back down with him. The redhead laid on top of the significantly younger man, eyes wide in surprise.
"What are you trying to pull here, brat?" he grumbled.
The blond just grinned, wrapping his arms around the poor teacher. "Kiss?" he asked, eye twinkling.
"Come on!" the blond insisted. "I mean, I could easily just get a kiss from you right now, and I don't even care if you scream rape!"
"No. Let me go and I'll let you off with only two more days of detention."
Deidara just sighed. "Sorry teach, can't do that."
Sasori glared. "I swear upon Hidan's god that I will punch you in the face if you don't let me go right now. I'm serious."
"Awww, you kill all the fun, yeah," the teen grumbled, leaning up. The teacher nodded in approval at the young man's compliance.
Deidara kissed Sasori quickly.
The door chose that moment to slam open.
"I brought chocolate!" Pein announced, holding up a rather thick bar of said sweet. Then he looked at the two on top of the Woodshop teacher's desk.
"Wrong time?" he asked slowly.
Sasori got off of Deidara slowly, brushing off his black slacks. "No, Deidara was just serving his detention."
"By kissing you on top of your desk? …Sign me up!"
"Pein, no. Deidara, no. Weird redhead guy trying to climb through the window, no."
The other two people in the room looked over to the window, blinking. A large, fluffy-haired redhead man was seriously trying to climb through those small windows, and it wasn't even completely open.
Deidara felt his mouth twitch in an oncoming laugh. "I'll help him out, yeah," he said. With that, the blond went to the window and pushed it open, allowing the big guy to tumble inside.
"Thanks," he said gruffly, standing up. He looked around with his golden eyes, mouth twitching in a sneer.
"Who the fuck is Mr. Jerkface?" the large redhead demanded.
Sasori sighed. "That would be me," he answered.
The other redhead flexed his muscles. "I'm Kyuubi, brother of one Naruto Uzumaki?"
"Uzumaki…Uzumaki…" Sasori snapped his fingers. "About this tall, no fashion sense, colorblind, gay?"
"That's the one." Kyuubi agreed. "Well, he paid me fifty bucks to kick your ass. So, uh, I'm here to kick your ass. I hope you don't mind, since you're really kinda hot."
"If I'm so 'hot', then WHY do you want to hurt me?"
"…I'll make sure not to hit your face?"
"Deidara, two days off your detention if you take care of this for me."
"What about a kiss, yeah?" the blond negotiated.
"Okay, fine!" Sasori groaned. "A kiss too. No sex!" he warned.
"Awww, okay, yeah." The blond roundhouse kicked Kyuubi in the back of his head, sending the large man down almost immediately.
Sasori nodded. "Great job. A plus."
"Awesome, yeah!" Deidara cheered, grinning victoriously. "So, how about that kiss?"
But the teacher was already gone.
Deidara and Pein just stood in the classroom, looking at the door in wonder.
"Check the big lug on the ground for money." Pein instructed quietly.
"You don't have to tell me twice."
"How the hell did you manage to beat up my brother?!" Naruto demanded once he entered the classroom. "He's, like, two times your size!"
Sasori squinted his eyes. "How the hell did you manage to get brighter?" he asked in an irked voice. "Are those orange sunglasses?"
"Yes, but that isn't the point! The point is—"
"—That I can't look directly at you without getting a migraine. Please, open a newspaper and find a fashion sense. I'm begging you."
"You are so mean!"
"Sakura, your hair is also a cause of my headaches. Wear a hat when you come in tomorrow. Bright Lite, you wear a black shirt and blue jeans, or I'll give you ISS for disrupting the learning experience for other students."
"Augh!" Naruto groaned, plopping in his seat angrily. "Aren't you pissed at him for insulting your hair, Sakura?"
"Pissed?" the girl barked a laugh. "I'm overjoyed that he even acknowledged my hair. He actually looks at my hair!"
"Why can I never win with you or him?!"
"So, I've decided that I'm going to assassinate you when you least expect it," Sai explained, giving Sasori a sheet of paper. "I hope you understand."
"Uh huh. And how will this work out again?" The teacher asked in a bored tone, glancing at the paper.
"Well, it'll include taking away the one thing that is most precious to you."
The brunet smiled. "We are working on that, Mr. Akasuna," he reassured.
"Okay, well, tell me when you find out."
"Oh, you'll know, sir. You'll know."
Sai walked to his desk, smiling in a way that defied suspicious to the fullest. Sasori gestured for Neji to come to his desk.
"I'll give you twenty bucks to tell me what the gay kid is planning," he whispered with a smile.
Neji cocked an eyebrow. "But, Sai is my friend, and I don't think I can betray him like so."
"I'll send you a note."
May 28th, 2008. 1251 hours. Planning Period:
Progress: Red has not falling prey to my sex appeal quite yet. I have removed lip ring number seven, but he just commented on my outfit.
Progress: Deidara is getting more luck than me. What the fuck?
Progress: Red is stretching and I can see part of his stomach. I think I'll become Catholic today.
Progress: Deidara still getting more luck. Castration for him is a maybe.
"What are you writing?" Sasori asked, cocking an eyebrow.
Pein quickly hid the book underneath his shirt. "Nothing pertaining to your fine ass, at least," he replied hurriedly.
"Okay." Sasori blinked. "Aren't you married?"
"Who told you that?" the copper-haired man demanded nervously.
"The blue-haired woman staring at us through the door window. Otherwise known as the local Literature teacher. Hi Konan."
"Konan?!" Pein pivoted around, ringed eyes wide. The blue-haired woman flipped the middle finger at him through the window and walked off, making the red-eyed man scramble out his seat and run off after her. "Baby come back to me!"
"Fuck off, Pein!" she yelled back.
"Oh come on!" he cried. "You can't say he isn't hot!"
"We're married, you ass!" Konan hissed.
"…But what about a threesome?"
"Go frolic in traffic, you jerk!"
Sasori closed his classroom door. "That could gone better," he mused aloud, unwrapping his sandwich.
Neji slipped into the classroom at soon as it was time for fourth period, handing a sheet of folded up paper to the red-haired teacher.
"Naruto's in on it too," he whispered.
Sasori rolled his eyes. "Why am I not surprised?" he muttered, unfolding the paper. "Here's your twenty-five." He gave the bills to Neji, who took them with an almost smile.
"Nice doing business with you."
"Likewise. Hey, Kisame, can you do me a favor?"
The blue-skinned man looked up. "What is it?" he asked gruffly.
"I need your strength. Do you know a Sai and a Naruto?"
"Who doesn't?" Kisame snorted. "Those are the two gayest guys in this entire school."
"Do you think you could hold them both down for me?"
"Oh yeah, no problem."
"Great. Oh, and where the hell is Deidara?"
The members of Akatsuki looked around, not exactly finding the more spontaneous member of their crew.
"What the fuck are you doing exactly?"
The eighteen-year-old atop Sasori's black car smirked, still staring up at the grey sky. "Sunbathing," he replied. He moved a little, his torso exposed from the unbuttoned sleeveless black vest he wore with no shirt underneath. His blue jean clad legs and bare feet lay on top of the vehicle, and his body was noticeably marred with various stitches.
"On top of my car?"
"I get the sexiest tans this way."
"You skipped class to lay on top of my car on a cloudy day?" Sasori asked slowly.
"No, I skipped class to watch out for Sai and Naruto, yeah. I can't have them fucking up anything I like."
The redhead looked suspicious. "And how did you know about that, exactly?" he inquired.
"Naruto's the biggest fucking blabbermouth in this fucking school," Deidara replied. "He was talkin' about it all fucking day, yeah."
"Oh." Sasori put his bag in the car. "So you're saying you decided lying on top of my car, giving it car cancer, was the most effective way of stopping two gay guys?"
In a flash, a snap sounded in the background and Deidara was shrieking like a respectable bitch.
"Holy SHIT!" he howled, rolling off the car. He fell on top of Sasori, making both of them hit the ground. "Someone just fucking SHOT me, yeah!"
"I find it amusing how you manage to say 'yeah' even when in undeniable pain." Sasori commented breathlessly.
Deidara kept yelling. "Who the FUCK shot me?!" he roared, holding his right arm in pain. He got off of his Woodshop teacher and stomped in the direction of the shot, which, unsurprisingly, led to resident out-the-proverbial-closet homosexuals.
Kisame held both of them in his arms, smirking. "You might want to work on that aim of yours, Blondie," he commented.
Naruto held up his arms and dropped the BB gun. "I'm extremely sorry for my insolence!" he cried.
Sai smiled at Deidara. "You cry like a bitch."
"Damn you Sai!"
Deidara kicked Naruto in his kneecaps, making the fifteen-year-old wail in pain. He almost hit Sai, but remembered that Sai wasn't virtually immortal like Naruto. That kid could get hit by a car and he'd still be A-OK.
So, he decided to jab his right finger in the pale teen's chest. "I'll be fucking you up next, fag," he hissed, his blond hair gleaming almost evilly.
The eighteen-year-old then straightened, and wandered back to his favorite teacher, who was just getting off of the ground.
"Shit, I think I got a concussion…" Sasori muttered, rubbing the back of his head.
"Mr. Akasexy!" Deidara whined, gripping his right arm. "I'm in so much fucking pain it HURTS, yeah!"
The redhead rolled his eyes, grabbing the tall teen's arm. "Stop being such a bitch," he snapped in annoyance. He forcibly moved the hand away from the spot, groaning at the small purple bruise that was already healing.
"It may not look like much, but it really does hurt."
"Shut the hell up Deidara and get the hell away from my car."
"I am very sorry Mr. Akasuna and will never try to attack you again." Naruto said solemnly, looking down.
Sasori smiled. "Apology accepted, Naruto," he said, standing up from his desk. "I'm not going to give you detention."
That made the blond snap his head up in surprise. "Really?!" he asked incredulously. "But, I tried to assassinate you!"
"With a BB gun, kid." The redhead smirked. "And you hit Deidara instead. That makes you okay in my book. In fact, if you manage to take him out harder, then consider yourself having an A for the rest of this semester."
"Really." Sasori held out his hand. "Deal?"
Naruto looked down at the hand in shock and back up at the person the hand came with.
And he hugged the teacher.
"I think I love you, Mr. Akasuna."
"Ooo, personal space kid. Personal space."
"I'm still going to get you, Mr. Akasuna." Sai said, observing his fingernails. "I don't care what you might've said to Naruto, I'm still rather pissed."
"Oh, right, I keep forgetting how much I care." Sasori retorted blandly, leaning back in his chair. "I would give you detention, but I've learned how much I can't handle it myself, so I've signed you up for three days in ISS. Nice, huh?"
"But you let Naruto get off with—"
"But you don't care about what I said to Naruto, remember?" the teacher cooed, eyebrows raised in amusement. "Three days in hell, smartass. Should've said sorry."
"Sorry?" Sai smiled.
"Sorry, try again kid. ISS loves you!"
"Since I totally took that shot for you, can I get that kiss?" Deidara asked, leaning against Mr. Akasuna's desk in a seductive manner.
Sasori made a humming sound in thought. "Did you know you look like a gay stripper with that vest on?" he said aloud. "You should wear a shirt underneath it."
"Really, Mr. Sasori?" Deidara covered his mouth almost immediately. "Shit, I meant…Mr. Sexy…yeah."
That got the redhead's attention. "How the hell did you find out my name?" he hissed.
"I severely doubt it."
"Okay, the news?"
Sasori narrowed his eyes. "And what was on the news?" he asked darkly.
"How you killed a bunch of people and tried to turn your mom and dad's corpses into puppets?"
"Well, shit." The teacher groaned. "Now I've got to pull a Witness Protection and get the hell outta this town."
Deidara cocked the one seeable eyebrow. "Why?" he asked. "It's not like anyone knows, yeah."
Sasori rolled his eyes. "Idiot, now anyone can find out, you doofus. If you know, then how do I know the rest of Akatsuki doesn't know?"
The blond was decidedly nervous. "Er, they don't?" he said in a small voice, eye darting to the door.
The brown-eyed man also looked at the door, and felt like banging his head against the whiteboard.
"They're out there aren't they?"
"No they aren't—"
"NO WE AREN'T!" Hidan's deep voice called through the door. The sounds of scuffling occurred and several curses were heard before the door flung open and the scattered Akatsuki members filed in, closing the door after Pein came in last.
Sasori glared at Deidara. "I could destroy you right now and no remorse would ever rack my body," he said evenly.
"It's okay," Itachi said to the slightly on edge teacher. "We aren't going to tell."
Hidan looked at the shorter teen. "Are you fuckin' kidding me?" he asked. "I'm milking this for all it's worth! C'mon Mr. Sexy, take off your shirt and I won't inform the authorities!"
Pein smacked him on the back of the head. "Shut up crackpot, or I'll tell the cops that you eat children," he threatened.
Hidan huffed. "I don't fucking eat kids!" he protested. "I…think about sacrificing them to Jashin, who loves all the little children."
"Anyway, you've got nothing to fear, Red. We'll make sure you don't get caught."
"O…kay? Wait, what did you call me?"
Konan pinched her husband's arm, hard. "You unnatural sexual pervert," she snapped. Then she smiled at Sasori. "Seriously, it's okay. Your secret's safe with us."
Scattered nodding occurred from the group and Deidara smirked at the teacher.
"See, Mr. Akasexy?" he purred. "We love you that much, yeah!"
"I love your ass more!" Hidan exclaimed, but Kakuzu smacked the back of his head instead. "Ow! Jashin-fuckin'-dammit! Stop trying to give me a concussion!"
"You love me that much?" Sasori asked, an eyebrow raised. "Is that so?"
Deidara scratched his chin. "Well, I love your ass, and your all around hotness, yeah," he admitted.
A few others agreed in the group, making the redhead roll his eyes, passionately.
"Why don't I like the sound of this?" he muttered.
Madara grinned. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "But, I like you, Mr. Akasuna! You're, like, extremely funny."
"Great." Sasori stood up. "I'll, uh, I'll think about staying." The hell he will. He was going to go straight home and pack his shit up quickly.
He walked out the door, waving at the others in the process.
Deidara sniffed, insulted, and ran after him.
"Hey!" he shouted at the man, grabbing his shoulder. "What the fuck, yeah?"
The forty-eight-year-old looked at him in disdain. "Is there any reason you're stopping me from getting out of this godforsaken school?" he demanded.
The teenager pressed his lips against the older man's roughly, eye narrowed.
"Now try and get away, motherfucker, yeah," he growled. "I've got a gun at home, and I will hunt you down."
"So, wait, you kissing me and threatening me is supposed to make me stay in a place where I can easily go to jail again?" Sasori asked, crossing his arms.
The redhead felt his lips twitch.
"You're really something odd, brat."
Deidara breathed a laugh. "You too, unartistic jerk."
"I guess you've got a few days left in detention that you need to serve…"
"And I'm still trying to tap that ass, yeah."
"You're pushing it, Deidara."
The blond held up his hands. "Okay, okay!" he said laughingly. "I'll make my efforts more subtle."
"Thanks… I've really got to go now. Being near you for extended periods of time is giving me a tumor."
"Whatever you say, Mr. Akasexy!"
Bad ending? Yes.
WTF ending? Yes.
Loose ends ending? Very yes.
This fanfic was probably very unseemly to a lot of you, as instead of focusing on Naruto (and how his car broke down in Pornoville and how he went to the Jiffy Lube only to get a full service by all the male mechanics and his car was still broken down around the corner (…you can write it if you want to, just, don't show it to me, ugh)) and his many, many male and a female suitors in an AU, it focused on Sasori and his many male and a female suitors in an AU, because I think that is way more sexy than Naruho Uzu-fuck-me and his jolly gay adventures.
But, still, pedophilia is pretty freakin' hot…with the right people. And student/teacher sex is also pretty awesome…with the right student and teacher. Oh, and let's not forget height differences, which I find to be pretty damn sexy…regardless.
I hope you liked it, Chromde.
In fact, I hope everyone who read this fic liked it. I…don't.
Oh, and that wood essay that Itachi made? Copied and pasted straight from Wikipedia. Thanks Wiki!