Shattered my Dreams

Shattered my Dreams

James left Lily to join Voldemort shortly before Harry's birth. Harry is now seven years old and his father makes a reappearance in his life. Can he convince Lily he really has left the Death Eaters and he wants to get to know his son or will she believe he is after something for Voldemort.


Lily Evans sat on the sofa in the apartment she shared with her long-time boyfriend, James Potter. She ran her hands slowly through her red hair. She flicked her eyes over to a picture of her and James, standing together, grinning, hand in hand. It had been taken on a weekend away, a few months ago. She tapped her fingers on the shiny coffee table, continuing her gaze around the living room. She yawned widely, feeling the movements of their baby inside her stomach. The movements rippled across her belly, filling her with ecstatic warmth.

Lily was nine months pregnant, give or take a few days. They'd been dating for nearly four years now, three years out of Hogwarts.

She grinned happily to herself, swinging her stiff legs out in-front of her. She sighed, wondering when James would arrive home. He'd been out every night that week. She didn't know why. He wouldn't tell her. He'd tried to give her many explanations but she couldn't be fooled. She knew him too well.

She just wanted to know the truth. She wasn't jealous or mistrusting. She knew James wasn't gallivanting with some other mystery woman. She was sure James was completely loyal to her. They had a relationship based entirely on love and trust. They wouldn't have lasted over three years if it wasn't. Especially with the war going on.

She glanced at the clock. "Where are you, love?" she growled, under her breath.

The baby gave another kick. She sighed, trying to calm her annoyance; she knew her baby could feel her discontentment.

She rubbed her stomach soothingly. "Shh, baby, Daddy'll be home soon," she said softly. "It'll be okay. It'll be okay."

She glanced over to the coffee table on the other side of the room. There lay a ruined meal she had made especially for her boyfriend. It had been his favourite. She looked at her own plate, she hadn't eaten much. She'd merely pushed it around her plate with the cold, stainless steel cutlery.

She groaned, where was her boyfriend? She wished he'd just tell her. She wouldn't interfere. James was welcome to spend his time how he wanted. She would just like to know in advance. She hated this feeling of helplessness; and that he didn't trust her enough to tell her what he was doing.

She missed him. The sweet, kind, love that he'd always shown her. He held her at night, obviously wishing for closer contact. They couldn't be together at the moment, she was too heavily pregnant. But he wasn't sweet with her anymore.

She yawned, hearing the wind howling outside the apartment. She shivered, realising James was likely to be outside somewhere in the stormy weather.

She ought to be getting to bed. It wouldn't be good for the baby to tire herself out, anymore than she already was.

She slowly pulled herself up, stretching. She padded wearily over to the window and gazed out into the misty street. Trees were blowing, tugging against their roots. Rain was pounding loudly against the window panes.

It was like a horror movie, where the heroine was alone in the house, during a storm. Lily half expected the power to fail and to find herself alone in the dark. She was scared and wanted nothing more than her beloved to hold her in a tight embrace.

Thunder sounded in the distance. "James…" she moaned. She turned and walked slowly across the living room. She paused to turn the light off.

She quietly walked up the stairs and into their bedroom. She brushed her teeth and changed into a low-cut, knee-length, cream satin nightdress. She brushed her red hair, before turning out the light and lying down on the bed.

She could hear the clock ticking next to her ear, disturbing the unnatural silence of the house. She yawned, being pregnant was hard work. She fought the weariness; she wanted to wait for James to arrive home.

A car light briefly peeked through the curtains and Lily flicker her eyes towards the window. But they didn't have a car and she chided herself for hoping that James might be returning.

She rubbed her eyes, once again fighting sleep. She felt the baby stirring, but it wasn't in discomfort. He, unlike his mother, was obviously appeased.

She closed her eyes briefly, allowing the darkness to overcome her. She welcomed sleep. She closed her eyes and soon fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

She awoke to feel the warm hardness of a figure next to her. He was breathing deeply and rhythmically; his chest rising and falling as inhaled and exhaled.

She smiled softly. It was impossible to stay angry at him when he was sleeping so peacefully.

She moved over to gaze at his handsome features, caressing his lips with her eyes. He was wearing boxer shorts, leaving his tanned chest on full view to her. She sighed, longing to run her fingers over his toned muscles as she had many times before.

She moved closer to him, straining her muscles against the weight of her pregnant belly.

His face was distorted and he was quivering quietly in the ambient morning light. He gave a groan, "no…" He sounded tortured.

Lily sighed, wondering what he was dreaming about.

"No…" her boyfriend cried out once again. "NO!"

"James," she said quietly, shaking his arm lightly. "James, baby, wake up."

"Don't you dare!" he said loudly, still emerged in sleep.

"James, wake up!"

His eyes shot open, bloodshot and menacing. He gazed around for a bit, before his eyes focused on her.

"Are you okay?" she asked, "you were yelling out."

He looked at her deeply for a second. "I'm okay," he said gruffly.

She reached over and pressed a soft kiss to his full lips, hoping he would deepen it. She was disappointed when he pulled away again immediately. He sighed and got up. She watched him stretch his muscular torso out, before he walked out into the bathroom.

She listened to the water, imagining it pattering down his tanned body. She sighed, feeling the start of a headache stirring in her temple.

He came back in and Lily watched as he dressed with his back towards her. She watched him straightening his collar.



"I can't believe we're going to be parents in a couple of days," she said, placing her hands on her belly. She felt the ripples of their child's kicks running across the soft skin.

He gave her a shifty look, "Lily, I'm leaving…"

She gazed at him in alarm, "How long?! You'll miss the birth!"

"I'm leaving for good," he said softly.

"What?! Why!?" her eyes opened in wide surprise and she wrenched herself from the bed. "James?!"

"I'm sorry, Lil, I can't do this. I can't!"

He looked at her darkly before turning and walking out the door.

"James? JAMES!"

"What is it?" Beth asked, flicking her dark red hair out of her hazel green eyes. "What's the big emergency, eh?" she teased.

Lily was well known to overreact at the smallest things, Beth was sure this time she'd just forgotten to wash James' favourite top.

"What was it this time?"

She stopped dead when she saw Lily's tear-stained face. "Lil?"

Her best mate sobbed harder.

"Calm down right now!"

"I'm sorry," Lily cried.

"Now stop it. Calm down and tell me what's happened." Beth pulled Lily into a tight embrace.

"It's just, everything is falling apart!" Lily cried, her face buried in Beth's shoulder.

"What is it? Lil?" Beth held Lily tightly.

"James… James… left… he left me, Beth!"

"What?! NO WAY!"

Lily nodded, her eyes wide and full of tears.

"Oh, Lil."

Beth held her while she cried. It was one of the best things about Lily's closest friend. She was known to keep a well and level head in almost any kind of situation. They'd made friends in Hogwarts, helping each other through all kinds troubles. They'd helped each other through the stresses of dating a marauder. Lily with James and Beth with Sirius. Lily knew that Beth was going to be a crucial strength in helping her continue with her life, after James had left.

"Not to worry, Lil, you don't need him anyway. You've got Sirius and I, and soon you're beautiful baby, who'll take all your time up anyway."

"Thanks, Beth."

"No problem."

"So he just took off? No proper explanation?" Megan Potter asked, as Lily sat next to her in the Potters' Mansion.

"Yeah, just like that," Lily replied, taking a long sip of pumpkin juice. "Then he came back yesterday, while I was at the Healer's for my check-up, to get his stuff."

Megan frowned, "and you haven't seen him since?"


"Well, don't worry, honey," she said, placing a hand on Lily's shoulder. "He'll come running back, eventually."


"Whether you want him back, now that's another matter." She smiled, her blue-grey eyes twinkling.

"One minute, he's your son. Surely you should be convincing me to stay hopeful for him returning… and to take him back at whatever cost." Lily said, her brow crinkling.

"No son of mine would act like this," Meg said darkly. "I thought I'd brought him up well enough for that."
Lily gulped. "Maybe he just doesn't feel the same way anymore," she downcast her gaze.

"Doesn't give him an excuse."

There was a tapping at the window. Megan went over and accepted the mail, placing a few coins into the owl's pouch of wizarding money.

"Another Death Eater attack," Meg said sadly. "They're still on the increase."

Lily nodded, "the Aurors are doing all they can, Meg. James said…"

"Can you trust anything James says after he's done this?" Megan asked.

Lily shook her head slowly, "I suppose not."


Lily watched the other woman's eyes flickering over the page.

"Anything interesting?"

"Nothing new… three muggles killed… house destroyed…twenty-four other muggles homeless… new Death Eater unmasked- discovered to be James Potter…"

"What?!" Lily cried, dropping her glass. "Can you repeat that, Meg? I think I heard you wrong."

"The bit about the three muggles being killed?" Meg asked, clearing away the glass and pumpkin juice.

"No, the bit about the new Death Eater."

Meg glanced at the paper once again. "That he's been unmasked as… James Potter." Her jaw hardened.

"So he left me for them, did he?" Lily said coldly.

The door closed, and in walked Richard Potter.

"What's happened?" he asked, as he saw the looks on Lily and his Wife's faces. "Who?"

"You're son walked out on Lily two days ago…"

"No way!"

"And is now masquerading around as a Death Eater!"


"Yes, 'James'!"

"Our James?"

"YES! For Merlin's sake, Richard. Can't you see Lily's upset?"

"Sorry, Lily."

"It's okay."

"Oh… Lil…" Megan said, pulling her into a hug.

"I'm okay… it's just my stomach is really hurting…" She said, tears falling from her eyes.

Megan looked up at her. "Are you okay?"

Lily bit her lip, "No. I think my waters just broke." Panic shone in her green eyes.

"It'll be okay, Lil, I promise," Meg said.

"Both Mother and child are doing just fine. Is the Father here?" the healer asked.

"No, he's not," Megan said angrily. The families' nerves were grated down, after waiting through Lily's long labour and the added stress of James' disappearance.

"Forgive my wife," Richard said, rubbing his eyes, "it's been a stressful day for all of us."

"Of course," the healer replied professionally.

"Please, sir, can we see our daughter?" Anna Evans asked.

"Sure, she's tired at the moment, but I'm sure she'll be pleased to see you." He led the four new grandparents into Lily's room.

The young Mother lay in a bed filled with blankets and pillows.

"How're you feeling, darling?" her father asked.

"Okay…just tired." Lily said, smiling softly.

"Is the baby okay?" Anna asked.

"Yeah, he just there, in the cot," she pointed to the opposite side of the room.

The four grandparents made their way over to the little boy.

"He's beautiful, Lily," Meg said.

"Do you want to bring him over, for me?" Lily asked.

Anna picked the tiny baby boy up. She handed him to her daughter, smiling.

Lily settled her child gently in her arms, stroking his jet black hair, that he'd obviously inherited from his father. Lily felt a sudden pang in her heart, she wished James had been here to witness the most beautiful moment of her life. And their baby was gorgeous.

"Have you decided on a name?" Richard asked.

"Yeah," the redhead replied, "Harry."

And so Harry Evans was born into a world of love, laughter, joy and sorrow. A world that would be cruel to him, and also kind to him. But this wonderful new world was lacking in one thing. His father.