A/N: I was reading about Atton online, and found a mention of this clip, where Atton apparently dies in the female Jedi's arms. After listening to it, I thought it sounded familiar. Then I realized it was because there are about fifty fanfictions out there that quote the clip word for word, and try to make their own story around it. Which is all well and good, but it gets tiring after you read it so many times. I don't think they realize that they're all just reiterating each other... (no offense meant if you're one of those people!)

So, I made a crack fic with the same idea. I'm not trying to offend anyone--I love Atton as much as the next girl--but this was too good to pass up. :P

Please note that I'm not a die-hard star wars fan (and I don't own anything but the plot in this story). I probably got some terms wrong, and I'll bet it's inaccurate, but it's a crack fic. Stay with me on this. :)


Atton Hears His Death

Atton Rand was minding his own business, just playing a little pazaak on the controls of the Ebon Hawk—which was currently headed towards Nar Shaddaa at light speed—when Jinda Defai waltzed into the bridge, a smug expression on his face.

"Atton, wait until you hear the voice clip that T3 just unearthed," the exile waved a small disc in front of the scoundrel's face.

"Why would I care about anything that trash compactor finds?" Atton scowled at the cards—he had just lost… against himself. It took talent to do that.

Jinda smirked, "I think you'll find this very intriguing. It's about you, you know."

Atton blinked and craned his neck over the seat to finally look at the Jedi, "Me? Now I'm wary."

"No, no, you're intrigued. I can see the interest in your eyes."

"Dude, stop staring at my eyes. It's creepy. And sort of gay."

They both looked away, and Jinda started to edge towards the door, "All right. If you don't want to listen…"

"I do, I do." Atton put the controls on autopilot—not like he was doing much with them before—and followed the Jedi out of the bridge. They arrived in the main cargo hold, and T3 beeped recognition as Jinda slipped the disc into the holopad in the middle of the room. There was a bit of crackling while Atton purposefully ignored the little droid, instead looking with amusement at the holopad. "Too bad, Jinda. Sounds like your little voice thing isn't working anymore."

"Just wait…"

As he said that, a voice filled the room, and Atton backed towards the wall as he heard himself on the speakers—quite literally tripping over T3 in the process.

"You're… alive" his voice croaked, sounding very weak. "Did I… save you yet?"

"Who the hell am I talking to?!" Atton cried, scrambling up from the floor to glare at Jinda, as if the exile had somehow been the cause of this voice clip.

"Your eyes…"

"They better be some damn good looking eyes—"

"That bad… huh?"

Atton held his arms out, surveying his body, "There's nothing wrong with how I look. I object."

Jinda snickered, knowing what was coming next.

"Always… was ugly…"

"Excuse me?" Atton cried.

"Hey, you said it first!" Jinda burst out laughing, pointing at the disgusted scoundrel.

The voice clip continued, melancholy music playing softly in the background, "Now the outside… matches…"

Atton's eyes widened, "I'm not an ugly guy inside or out! Just ask any of the girls I've slept with!"

"Not even as Jaq?" Jinda prodded, grinning in amusement.

"Hey, I may have done some… unkind things as Jaq, but I was never ugly."

"…was waiting for this, but… 's not fair…"

Atton folded his arms, mentally wishing that his wimpier dying self would grow a backbone and accept fate. At least be a man about his death.

"…let you down… was supposed to save you!" his voice's broken speech insisted, sounding angry at the idea.

Atton was angry too, "What kind of joke is this? I can save whomever I damn well please, and you know it, Jinda!"

"You said you wanted to hear the voice clip, Atton, ol' buddy. I'm only doing as you asked!" the exile put on an innocent face, and Atton's enraged reply was cut off by the continuation of the tape.

"…was tired of living anyway," his voice resigned.

"What the heck? I just said that it wasn't fair I was dying!" the scoundrel clenched his fists. "I should at least make up my mind about things like this. I'm contradicting myself all over."

Jinda exchanged a gleeful glance with T3, although the droid's stare was stoic as always. A bit depressed that he only had the droid to share his entertainment with, Jinda resolved to show the voice clip to everyone else at their next meeting. As he grinned evilly, already planning how he would keep Atton in the room to endure the embarrassment again, the clip plowed on.

"Too many deaths… never told you… lied to you…"

"Hey, I've killed less than most of the people we run into in our travels!" Atton defended indignantly. "Like that Vaklu guy… If he doesn't show the weight of his conscience, then I sure as hell shouldn't either!"

"I don't want you to see me like this!" his voice yelled suddenly, and Atton nearly fell over T3 again in surprise. "I don't want to… die in front of you! …Can't bear it…"

"Well it's a bit late for that, now isn't it?" Atton remarked sarcastically. There was a moment where he could only assume the person he had 'saved' was saying something, and Atton seized the moment to look at Jinda. "Who am I talking to, by the way?"

Jinda thought for a second, "I believe this is a fan-made version of your death, should the player choose a female exile. That's probably who you're talking to."

"Hey, hey, hey, there's a female exile too?" Atton grinned seductively. "I want to meet her."

"No, there's only a female exile if the player chooses to be female."

"So it's between you or a girl Jedi?"

"Put bluntly, yes."

Atton surveyed Jinda and narrowed his eyes, "Okay, I choose the female Jedi. Where is she?"

"That's not exactly your choice," Jinda stated in exasperation. "Besides, don't you like me?"

"If it's between a girl or you, I pick the girl. I'll bet she's hot…"

As if picking up his line of thought, Atton's voice stated, "From the moment I first saw you… I thought you were a dream…"

"So, if you were a girl, I would have gotten to see her in her underwear on Peragus instead of you?" Atton cocked his head in question.

Jinda shrugged, "I guess."

"That would have saved me so much counseling."

"Meant every word… tried to play it off as a joke…"

"And here's where the fan-girls make their dreams come true by acting as if you really did proclaim your love for them," Jinda sniggered. "Or so I'm assuming, since you never actually said anything along those lines to me."

"And I never will."

"…wasn't funny…" his voice chuckled, and then grunted slightly. "Hurts when I laugh… hurts…"

Atton muttered something about being a sissy-gizka.

"You… saved me…"

"I'm assuming here you meant she saved your soul, since you're still dying," Jinda pointed out, enjoying the horrified look on Atton's face entirely too much.

"Joke's on me…" the chuckling started back up, before breaking off abruptly. "Hurts… when I laugh… hurts…"

Atton hit his head against the wall of the Ebon Hawk, "Say it again, why don't you?!"

Jinda paused the voice clip and played the line over. Atton considered taking a blaster to the Jedi's heart. After the third time, Atton did just that.

"Keep playing it," the scoundrel ordered, pressing his blaster's barrel to the exile's chest. After all this, he sort of wanted to hear the end.

"Sorry, I can't. That's it. It just goes quiet, so I'm assuming you died in her arms," Jinda sighed, despite the fact that he could die at any moment from a fatal blaster wound. "It's all very romantic."

Atton raised an eyebrow, "Only you would think my death is 'romantic'."

"Not just me—the fan-girls obviously think so too!"

"God, I wish you weren't here, and the hot exile chick was." Atton left the room and went back to his pazaak deck, his death scene quickly falling to the backburner of his mind. Jinda watched him go before turning to T3.

"Next time, make one where he declares his love for Kreia."


A/N: I know that the voice clip is a cut out scene or something, and that it wasn't made by fangirls. :P But how would Atton know any better?

Please review--I don't normally write crack fics, and I would love feedback on this one! :D