A Lonely September

-for rhiannon.


I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind…


I sat down on my bed and crossed my arms over my stomach—a habit of mine I had developed when I was upset. Except, this wasn't fully the reason right now. My misery was nearly overwhelming. My heart panged inside my chest until I felt it all the way down in my stomach and I clutched it tightly, trying to distract myself with the physical pain instead of the pain that swirled in my head. I tried to prevent myself from even saying his name.

But I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I could never forget him. I couldn't forget his deliciously sweet scent or his unruly red-brown hair, the golden hue of his intent eyes, the glowing white of his hard, cold skin, the crooked smile that felt like a secret from the rest of the world because it was reserved only for me.

"Edward." I held my breath, counted to ten, and exhaled. "Edward," I said again. Saying his name aloud wasn't nearly as bad as keeping it bottled in. But a few seconds later, I realized trails of water were sliding down my eyes. I let my tears fall onto my lap before I wiped them away, and immediately I wished I had just held it in.

This all felt so, so wrong. Not the fact that I loved him—not the perpetual and never-changing fact that he loved me back. Not even being a mortal while he was a vampire was what felt so wrong right now. No, this was a more…human thing that hurt the other half of me right now, the more selfish half.

Jacob Black.

He loved me. I was almost sure of it. After…Edward's leave, I had gone into such a state of shock and zombiesque depression that I had practically run into Jacob's arms. He took me so willingly; he embraced me so tightly that it was almost like he was the one who had experienced a great loss. I realized I was his former loss and I had returned, so he was happy again. Despite my actions or the thick, uncomfortable cloud that settled in at the mere mention of the Cullens, he worked so hard to get me back into being the Bella I was supposed to be. He didn't care I was in love with someone else while I owned his heart—he cared about me that deeply. Without him, I didn't know…if I'd still be here right now…

And now I was throwing away all the work he'd done for me by saying Edward's name over and over again inside my head, and remembering all the memories I tried to push away but at the same time never forget.

He left because he loved me, and that made me feel even worse. How was I supposed to manage knowing the one I gave my heart to was still existing, existing away from me, by choice? We could be together right now, right this instant—he wasn't getting too old for me anyway. He said he wanted me to be happy. I don't think he realized he was the source of my happiness, though. And now that he was gone…

So was all that.

The phone started ringing.

I already knew who it was. "Jacob? Yeah, I'm coming. I'll be down there soon—see you… What? I'm fine. Okay, bye."

I swallowed down the rising tears and went to get my jacket.

"Bye, Edward," I whispered as I left the house. "I love you."



I stared down at my enormous hands. They truly were enormous—I could pick up a stone and crush it in between my fingers. Maybe a diamond, too. I'd never tried.

I paused, with the phone still curled against my ear, and realized it had went dead. I hung up and continued to stare down at myself, thinking. About someone.

Bella. I could say the name a million times, stand on the tallest cliff and yell it, jump off the cliff and let the name tumble out of my mouth over and over again. The first time I had seen her at the shores of La Push, I knew she had to mean something to me. I knew she would end up being so important to me, and I to her. It wasn't just her natural beauty that I seemed entranced by, and despite the attraction I knew what all this would result in. I knew she already had Cullen, the bloodsucker—this would never work out—but I took the plunge. I did what I wanted to do, not what I should. I got closer to Bella. I got to know her.

And then…I fell in love with her.

The summer was what impacted our relationship the most—I knew it. That damn leech had gone and left her. Left her broken in a dripping, surreal green forest. When I saw her lying on the ground, physically unharmed but torn apart otherwise through Sam's eyes—I was enraged. If Bella didn't love that…that bastard, I would have tracked him down and killed him myself. But I knew she wouldn't like that…I knew her so, so well.

And vice-versa. At first I was scared she would find out my emotions concerning her, the passion I felt compared to the casual state I was always acting in whenever I was around her. But then I realized…love isn't supposed to be a secret. I let her guess, guess that I loved her, and she changed a little when she found out.

And soon, I was ready to let her guess something else—my lineage. What kind of person I really was…but technically wasn't: a werewolf, the biggest enemy of the bloodsuckers. How ironic. I wondered what Bella's reaction would be when she found out…though she probably wouldn't mind. After all, she was with—or used to be with—a vampire, one of the most dangerous species in the entire planet. Being friends with a werewolf wasn't as bad.

But being "just friends" was. I knew it and she knew it; we would go nowhere as friends. I loved her. This was no casual monologue I'd picked up while I was hanging out with her. I didn't steal the line off a TV show. I truly, honestly, really was in love with Isabella Swan.

We could've been, we should've been—if Edward hadn't existed.


Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did


Funny how, the first time I met Bella, I wanted to kill her.

Bluntly, she smelled absolutely delicious. The moment I saw her I was entranced by her scent—her blood. I couldn't resist her, so I fought against my temptations and tried to stay away from her. I flew to Alaska, but not even that could simper my thoughts on her, so I returned.

I didn't keep my promise to myself to keep away from her for her own safety. I was a fool; I practically jumped in and stole her life from her possession. Her life that should've been normal; that I'd intervened in. She told me over and over again it was her choice, her decision to love me—but it just felt so wrong. It wasn't fair for her. She deserved a normal, human life.

Of course, in my mind, my desire, I was in a state of bliss that she loved me back. But I knew—my logical mind knew that we couldn't be. She would get hurt. She might…die. And if that were to happen, I wouldn't even try to cope.

When Bella was attacked by James, a tracker and a deadly vampire, I didn't even try to refrain from tearing him apart. I saw her on the ground, bleeding and broken, and for a brief moment believed she was…gone. The moment of despair I felt then overpowered any pain I'd ever felt; it hurt more than my vampire conversion. She was alright in the end, and life continued on as "normal" but…

I realized I couldn't do this to her. Every second I spent with Bella would add up and when things were even more serious, it would go beyond crushing her. So I left her. I summed up all my energy and lied to her—I almost gave up when I saw the crashing look on her face, the angst that I was responsible for causing her.

It would've been best if I'd never met her, never fallen in love with her. If she'd never loved me back…

But she did.




I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me…

"I miss you. Please come back…"


"Bella? Hey, are you coming or what? Hurry up or I'll come get you myself."

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight…

"I'm serious…"



Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did…

"I'm sorry."


"I love you."

A/N: This takes place in New Moon, after Edward leaves and before Jacob reveals his werewolf identity. The quote in the summary belongs to Paul Tournier. Those amazing lyrics belong to the Plain White T's' A Lonely September, and the characters to Stephenie Meyer. I know the title is a little out-of-date because this oneshot doesn't take place in September, but this song really reminded me of the Edward/Bella/Jacob relationships. I'm sorry if it seemed corny or confusing; I'm not going to use the "this is my first Twilight story" excuse. Hope you liked it.