Fandom: Torchwood

Characters/Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Owen and Tosh.

Disclaimer:I don't own Torchwood all belongs to RTD and the BBC

Warnings: Spoilers for all Torchwood up to and including Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Bad language Jack being Jack

Author's Note: Set S2 After Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

I've decided to do a few of these 'Conversations' for Torchwood this is a kind of prequel to How To Fit 6 Fully Grown Adults Into A Banger

Please review. Cheersies :D


"Yes Gwen."

"Who's Gray?"


"Gray, John said 'I found Gray' what did he mean?"

"No he said 'I found spray' He had bad congestion and was looking for a Nasal Spray, then he found it."



"Don't you snort at me Ianto Jones, I'm still your boss and don't you forget it!"

"Indeed sir, then perhaps you could tell me how you intend for us to avoid ourselves for the next few hours."

"Hadn't really thought about it."


"What was that?"

"We could go back to mine, Rhys would be at work-we could get a pizza."

"No thanks Gwen I think we can find something a little more exciting to do."

"Like what Owen?"

"How about getting Owen to the hospital before he bleeds all over the upholstery."

"Calm down Ianto, if you were that worried you should have put down tarps."

"I would have but all the tarps went mysteriously missing that time you and Tosh decided to try out some new designs for the weevil's boiler suits."

"Ooh what new designs?"

"Forget it Harkness, you weren't here to witness the brilliance that was the 'Sato-Harper Spring Collection For The Urban Weevil' so you cant see."

"I'll show you the CCTV later Jack, they had a fashion show with a catwalk and everything, Janet really did us proud."



"Come on Tosh it was a bit of tarp with some glitter and sequins on it, what's he going to do? Steal your vision and sell it to a designer."

"You never know."

"Hmmm glitter and sequins."

"Don't even think about it Jack I am not following you around with a hand held vacuum sucking up all the glitter you leave in your wake."

"So what are we going to do then?"


"Owen you've just lost a significant amount of blood do you really think drinking is wise?"

"Oh I'm sorry Ianto, I must have missed the ceremony when you were promoted from teaboy to doctor."

"It was beautiful, sorry you missed it."

"Shut up."

"What about going back to mine, I got a Playstation 3 and the newest version of Tekken."

"No way Tosh."

"Yeah Tosh it's not much fun when you always win."

"What's a Playstation?"


"I know why don't we have a Torchwood orgy? It's been a while."


"I've never had a Torchwood orgy."

"Last one was before you joined Gwen; Owen accidentally released highly potent sex pheromones in the Hub."

"Well I wasn't the idiot who initiated lockdown was I Ianto?"

"Standard Operating Procedure Owen."

"We have standard operating procedure for pheromones?"

"Sure pheromones, Male pregnancy, accidental gender swaps. You name it Torchwood has a rule pertaining to it."

"Accidental gender swaps?"

"It has been known to happen Tosh; 19 documented cases, it's a code 336b."

"What about turning into an animal?"

"Code 556c."

"Ingestion of alien faeces."


"That's disgusting!"

"Code 87d."


"No, not really Owen, what kind of an idiot eats alien crap?"

"What about getting stuck inside an alien during,... you know?"


"Oh my God!"

"That's it I'm scarred for life!"

"Ianto does Torchwood cover therapy bills?"

"Owen you're the doctor, it's you who's supposed to be doing any necessary counselling."

"Screw that!"

"Jack is this going to become a regular occurrence? Am I going to have to come up with a new protocol?"

"Well maybe if you think of a way to keep me otherwise entertained…"

"After what you just said, dream on Captain."

"So what will we do?"

"Tosh's right, as much fun as it is driving aimlessly around Cardiff, we really should find a place to lie low."


"Ianto, you are such a loser."

"Get off my back Owen I'm not the one who cried my way through Stardust."

"That was an incredibly sweet movie! Anyway I'd just poked myself in the eye with my cinema ticket."

"We could go to Bute Park."

"Yeah! We could have a picnic."

"Then we could feed the ducks."

"Good idea Owen."

"I was being sarcastic Gwen!"

"Well it's hard to tell sometimes."

"Its easy enough Gwen, if Owen says anything remotely pleasant that doesn't involve breasts then he's being sarcastic."

"That's not true Ianto- I can be sarcastic about breasts."


"Yeah. Gwen, your tits look great in that top."

"Thanks Owen-wait."


"Touché Dr Harper."

"Why don't we just go back to Ianto's and watch a movie?"

"Just invite everyone to my house then Jack."

"How come we can go to Ianto's but not to mine?"

"Because Ianto's is clean and doesn't smell like old socks and lasagne."

"How would you know Owen?"

"Because we shagged there."


"Jack the road!"

"We did not Jack, Owen's just being a tosser. Please give me a little credit."

"What's that supposed to mean Jones? I'm an excellent catch."

"You could stand to gain a few stone Owen."

"I'm wiry, and girls go mad for it."

"I'm sure they do Owen."

"Yeah I could have you anytime I wanted."


"Time and place Jones, time and place."

"Ianto if you roll your eyes any harder they're going to fall out of your head."

"Thanks Ma."

"No problem sweetie- oh you've just got a smudge..let me get it.."

"Get off me Tosh!"

"Jack! Ianto keeps touching my side of the seat."

"Owen stop whining. Ianto stop squirming. Tosh carry on."

"Thanks Jack."

"So are we going to Ianto's?"

"You only want to go to Ianto's so that you'll be in close range of the bedroom."


"I'm not going to dignify that with an answer Ms Cooper."

"We could always go to a museum-"



"Fine, but I don't have any food in we'll have to stop for some take out."

"Ianto's it is!"

Wadda Ya Think??

Let me know-Review!

Cheersies :D

P.S. The thing with Owen and the cinema ticket is actually a true story. I went to see Sweeney Todd and skewered my eye with a cinema ticket when I was putting on my glasses. It was very not funny. It was also very sore. I had to go to A&E the next day and they gave me super duper pain killers that made me very very dizzy so I couldn't read or watch TV- my life had no meaning for 2 days!