Danny walked slowly from the subway to his apartment. He was in no rush, his head filled with thoughts of where his life was going. He knew that he was pushing those in his life away. He was on a self-destructive path and didn't know how he was going to get through it. He knew that his life appeared to be good on the outside. He had been his normal self at work, pushing away the thoughts of Ruben to the back of his mind, knowing that he couldn't let it affect him the way it had been. It was this reason that he had turned to Rikki; she knew his pain. She knew the mind numbing pain of loss. His may have been mostly guilt, but together they had tried to cure one another. They had tried to take it all away and make it better. It hadn't worked.
The rain was starting to fall softly and his thoughts strayed to Lindsay. Yes, he definitely understood walking in the rain more than she thought he did. He viewed it as a way to cleanse your soul, but tonight that wasn't going to happen. Tonight his soul was crying, screaming for someone to come and take it all away. He was waiting for a miracle. He knew that people thought he had the world at his hands. He was attractive, smart, and dependable. He would be there for any one of them if they needed him. Yet he had to ask who was going to be there to catch him? Who was going to make everything okay again? He had lost so much in his life. His family lived a separate life from his and he knew that he wouldn't be able to ever fit back in with them. Their ties with the mob and the Tanglewood Boys were too deep. His brother Louie had paid the ultimate price for him; sacrificing himself for the truth in order to save Danny. His thoughts progressed to the next person he had lost, Aiden. His breath hitched as he closed his eyes, tilting his face towards the sky. He missed her. Life hadn't been the same without her in it. His feelings for her were the closest to love that he had ever felt. Perhaps they had not been romantic in nature, nothing had ever come of that, but it was true never-ending love. Soul mates he had supposed.
He paused at the door to his apartment building contemplating going in or staying out in the rain. Deciding it was probably best to go inside he slowly ascended the stairs, unlocking the door automatically, steeling himself for the pain of entering the building. The memories that he had built during his time as a tenant assaulting him the moment he stepped across the threshold. He walked stoically towards his apartment door his mind still going over everything in his life. He had failed Mac several times and it was only buy the grace of God that the man had given him a second chance, and a third. He stepped inside and his eyes fell on the pool table in the middle of the room. Lindsay…Montana. It had all gone so wrong. She hadn't been there when he needed her. He understood to a point that he had pushed her away, but he hadn't really felt the same as she had. He had been shocked when she confessed to loving him. While he cared for her, he couldn't really claim to love her. Too much had happened between them and it hadn't been good for their relationship. He felt sorry that she was hurt, and he had tried to make it up to her, but he was grateful that she had chosen not to come over the night he asked her to. It was probably for the best. She deserved someone who could love her completely. That was not something he could do.
He took off his coat as he stepped into his apartment, closing the door softly behind him. He made sure not to look towards Rikki's apartment. He knew that she had left already, refusing his help. He understood that it was better that way. They had used each other enough and neither was in a better position than when they had started. They had needed to feel, nothing more, nothing less. They had needed someone who understood.
Walking into the kitchen, he took a bottle of whiskey out of his cupboard along with a glass. Setting it down he poured himself a shot and swallowed it down in one swift movement. Closing his eyes he waited as the burn slowly went away. Well, at least he could feel something. Burn was good. It made him think the tightness in his chest was because of something more than hatred for himself. He grabbed the glass and bottle and walked to his couch sitting down and placing the items on the coffee table. He leaned forward, his head in his hands, elbows on top of his thighs. He needed someone. He needed help. He couldn't do this himself and he didn't know where to turn. He turned on his stereo, hoping that he had a good CD in. He needed something to take his mind off of things. Lynyrd Skynyrd came on, a slow, haunting tune. This wasn't going to help get him out of this depression. I would only help it along. He sat back, taking another drink; his head lying on the back of the sofa. Another night of getting drunk by himself. Well, it was better than getting drunk outside he supposed. He got up remembering that he had left his gun out. Probably not the best idea he thought to himself. He had taken to locking it up when he was at home. It was safer that way; for himself and for others.
A knock at the door made him change his direction, his body longing for another shot; he knew he should probably answer before the person started getting really persistent. Opening the door he was shocked to see Flack standing there, a bottle of Crown Royal in his hands. Leave it to Flack to bring the good stuff. Without a word he stepped aside letting Flack into the room. Flack was his one true friend, the man who stood beside him through thick and thin, no matter the cost. He was grateful for that. He knew that their friendship put a lot of pressure on Flack. They came from two very different backgrounds and he knew that Flack's father thought he was insane for befriending him. A mobster's son and a police legend's son, they obviously hadn't grown up in the same social circles.
Danny walked back to the kitchen, grabbed another glass and joined Flack on the sofa. Pouring them both a shot, they tapped glasses lightly before downing their contents. Not a word had been spoken between the two friends and it was okay. They were comfortable that way. The music played in the background, setting the mood. The lights low, the sound of rain against the windows in the room. Five shots later Danny finally spoke.
"What is the point of doing this Flack? How are we supposed to keep going on?"
Flack looked at him for a moment before responding.
"We breathe, we go to work, and we hope some day there will be someone at home waiting for us with open arms, ready to take away the horrors of the day. Then we wake up and do it all over again. Some day that dream has to come true."
Danny looked at him thoughtfully, nodding his head and taking another drink. He wanted to believe his friend. He wanted to believe that someday he would be happy. He didn't know if it was possible. Could he finally learn to stop pushing people away? He figured someday there would be a woman who would have the compassion and strength that he needed. Taking another drink he swallowed the liquid quickly before answering.
AN: This story is dedicated to BrownEyedGirl75 who made me feel secure enough to try this out. For those of you who want to listen, the song Danny ends up listening to is called I Need You by Lynyrd Skynyrd.