Ya know, I broke my promise guys. I fail. XD I'm writing again, but hey, I'm writing a Zelda crack story.
Somewhat pointless? Yes, but boredom does that to a person. Long? Pretty much. Italic abuse? Yes, a lot actually.
Oh yes, by the way, I decided to make this Link "Minish Cap Link." Just saying!
It was a quiet morning for Hyrule. It was much more peaceful nowadays, none of the pesky villains show up very much anymore. Link was glad of that, no more hacking down monsters, no more "saving Hyrule and that troublesome princess who somehow always gets in trouble when he turns his back on her" and definitely no more "Link, please travel to some random direction out of your hometown away from everyone without saying bye to your family and friends and travel even though you're half dead from exhaustion." The green clad boy was really glad that last option was gone from his life. Hey, he already saved Hyrule from certain doom already! Give him a break!
Now, over at the Princess's castle, things were a bit…different. Zelda had woke up that early morning having some pleasant feeling that the evil villains of Hyrule will be no more by tomorrow. Maybe she was just on her monthly. Yeah…probably it. Though Zelda chose not to believe that and hoped that it was the end of all evils of Hyrule.
Across from Hyrule field, and far, far up in the tallest mountains and above the thickest and fluffiest clouds stood a giant castle. No, not the castle in the sky, but Ganon's castle. Yes, Ganondorf had decided to change his home from floating islands to a home in the clouds. Those strange bird-like creatures known as the Ooccoo had sold Ganon one of their "vacation" homes. Though by now, Ganon had changed it to his liking. You know, the regular spikes, death traps, etc. Well, at least they get serene views of nothing but whatever it is that are above the clouds! That's one good thing! And they also get fresh mountain air, that is, if you could breath that high up in the air.
Our story begins with three villains. Not including the pigman. Nope, a story without the evil lord of Hyrule? Seems impossible! But it's true!
Now let's see our main characters. Knowing evil villains, they should be plotting some evil even when the world's at peace right? They certainly had took a long time to find a scheme evil enough to defeat the Hero of Time and his annoying reincarnations.
"Dammit Shadow! You used up the hot water again?" A certain red-eyed Hero look-alike yelled angrily towards the showers. God, how he hated being in the east side of the Dark Lord's castle. Well, it beats living with those unsophisticated moblins and other…really unneeded monsters.
Shadow stepped out, towel in hand. "No! It was freezing cold when I got in!!" He started to dry his dark purple hair. "Damn Vaati. He probably used it all washing his stupid hair. What kind of villain has hair that long anyways? So un-stereotypical!! Aren't we supposed to look scary?"
Dark Link rolled his eyes. "If you seen him when he doesn't get those three hours of brushing his stupid hair, you'll know what scary means, kid." He made a face when he looked at his reflection. It wasn't because he hated how he looked (he loved looking at his own reflection, thank you very much) it was just that…
"Your hair is a total mess," Shadow pointed out from under his small purple towel. "You better brush it or something. I'm not taking over Hyrule with a thing that has sanitary issues."
Yes, his hair was a total mess. Random parts were sticking on one part of his hair. One side of his bangs mixed in very well with the other part so it was impossible to see where his hairline was. Dark was glad he didn't have longer hair like his light counterpart, he would gladly chop off his own hair and shave it bald if it wasn't for that fact that his hair made him look…umm…cooler than all the other monsters, demons, and whatever else Ganon lets in his castle.
Red eyes gleaming happily, Vaati took the brush Dark was reaching for and started to gently brush out his shiny lavender hair. He did it slowly, for he was afraid that if he brushed too hard his precious hair might stick to the brush, and Vaati didn't like brushes with hair sticking on it. They looked gross.
"That was my brush, Vaati." The taller evil do-er informed rather angrily at the lavender wind sorcerer. Damn that short brat of a Minish. He knew he should have taken Vaati out on the first day he arrived to his side of the castle. Everyone knew not to mess with Dark and his side of the castle. Did he also fail to mention that the east side was his side of the castle? Everything in his side was HIS. Even that brush of which Vaati is brushing his ridiculously blinding hair with. Oh, did he also say that he thinks Vaati's hair is ugly? It was the ugliest thing next to Ganon's face, according to well…himself.
"I'm using it." The wind mage replied, not taking his eyes off the mirror and continued to brush. Not caring that that brush was Dark's, and everything in Dark's side of the castle is Dark's and only his. Maybe he should have read that contract Dark shoved in his face the first day he moved in…but hey, why should he read? If he wanted to, he would have moved back to that old crone, Ezlo's house (and probably get whacked in the head with that suspiciously sharp cane the Minish carried with him).
Dark growled. "It's my brush, little boy." He stated, stressing out the words "little boy" just to piss off the Minish. No, he didn't think he heard how old Vaati was…but he didn't care. Now that Vaati passed his side of the castle, little purple over here should start listening to his new (and self-proclaimed) overlord. Oh, did he say that the east side was his side of the castle?
The Minish mage paid no attention to the Link and continued to brushed his hair.
Shadow reappeared, dressed in his regular black tunic with white sleeves. "Well…I'm off to cause some terror…Or maybe I should just go finish making that sweater to Vio—er…someone."
Vaati hummed contently to himself. He slowly put down the brush (making sure a sound was not to be heard, by the way) and turned to the other purple haired boy. "You mean that purple rag? I gave it to one of Ganondorf's minions. They said they needed a floor rag and that was the first thing I saw." Feeling accomplished, he left the bathroom.
"…" Pale blue eyes glared at the back of Vaati's head. Ever heard the phrase, "if looks can kill, he'd be a bloody pile on the ground"? The blue-eyed shadow could do much, much worst. Maybe Vaati would have imploded himself due to Shadow's glare.
Shadow grumbled angrily to himself. Damn that new kid, who does he think he's living with? He has no right to grab other people's properties!! Oh wait…what if Vaati took his collections of random junk he found in the world and threw it out the window? No wonder it was missing! Everything became clear to Shadow Link. HE MUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON VAATI. Yes, he will even blame his fear of light at the lavender boy too!
So, little Shadow Link followed the Minish mage from the safety of the shadows. That's one reason why he's called Shadow Link, silly!
By the time Dark finished getting his hair back to some form that looked like the Hero of Time's, he realized both the troublemakers had ditched him in the bathroom. Great…now he's lonely. Dark doesn't like being lonely.
"Damn everyone for ditching me," Dark grumbled as he tried to find someone on his side of the castle. "Where are those two idiots?"
Little did he know, Shadow and Vaati were planning something really big. A big surprise for Hyrule was to come.
"Oh Link, I have a terrible yet wonderful feeling about today!!" The Princess of Hyrule cried excitedly as she looked out the terribly washed windows of Link's house. "Do you want to know what it is?"
Little Link was eating his breakfast. Bread. His grandfather had been away for another country and would not be at home for a month or two. Something about forging a sword or two…or was it something else? He couldn't remember, not that he cared. At least he had the company of…um…dust, dust, dirt, even more dirt, and bread. Well, Princess Zelda occasionally visited, which was nice. Kind of.
Anyways, Link nodded and happily gorged himself on bread. A bit stale, but oh well. Maybe Zelda's story can make him forget about the bread.
"Okay, okay!" Zelda started excitedly. "So, it began in a castle high in the clouds…"
The boy nodded. This bread tasted weird. Ew, is that mold?
"…And it showed a few villains, of whom I will not name because I had not identified them, they were running about on the clouds, and surprisingly the clouds didn't give way to their weight…"
When is Zelda going to stop? He wanted to tell her about this horrible bread. That's it, he's so going to clean the house before Grandpa comes back.
"…So they were fighting over something, and then…Link, are you listening?"
Rant. Rant. Rant. Ra--…eh? When did Zelda stop talking? Link hadn't noticed. Oh well, more silence to himself. It's not that he didn't like it when Zelda talks, it's just that she uses such fancy talking that he barely understands what she's saying…or is it because it had nothing to do with him? Or anything he knows about for that matter. I mean, what kind of idiot would live in the clouds besides those cloud people who left Hyrule because the King was assassinated?
"Link, are you listening to me?" Zelda faked a sad look.
Darn Zelda and her looks. Link nodded to the Princess, and gestured her to go on.
"Okay, so…" Zelda began her talking again. Let's get to something more interesting okay?
"Shadow Link! Come back with my hat!!" Vaati yelled loudly outside the castle at the purple haired boy. He tried to grab the hat, but Shadow was a bit too fast for him. "Dammit! Give it back!! Don't make me hurt you with my magic powers!"
Shadow Link nodded and gave Vaati an evil look. "Uh-huh…And I believe you have powers why? You never use them except for teleporting!! Besides, if you want it so bad, why not just grab it from me?" He waved the hat in front of the Minish. "Come on! Get it!" He teased.
Vaati's red eyes flashed in anger. "Give me back my hat Shadow! Or I'll tell Ganondorf that you've been slacking on your work and…and—"
"Ooh, so now you're just going to tell on me?" Shadow grinned mischievously. "Tell you what, if you help me, I'll consider giving back the hat to you. I don't even know why it's so special…"
Good thing Shadow doesn't know of the magic cap that allowed Vaati his powers and curses. "Consider?" The sorcerer questioned. "And what kind of help?"
"Ooh nothing…just that you have to do my dirty work and help me destroy Hyrule."
"Do I get my hat back?" Silly Shadow Link, Vaati thought to himself, I'll just get my hat back when you give it to me, I curse you, and then, we'll all live happily ever after. Simple as that.
Shadow looked thoughtful. "Maybe…"
Where was Dark Link at this moment? Ah, well there he is…running at full speed at the other two villains, and hey…is that a bomb in his hand?
"OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU THREW AWAY 99 OF MY 100 ARROWS AND MY BOW?!" Dark bellowed loud enough that the mountain below them could have been shaking like there's no tomorrow. He had a bomb (it was lighted) in his right hand, and his sword in his left. "I'LL GIVE YOU THREE SECONDS!"
"Hold on, Dark…You couldn't blame me, now could you?" Shadow asked, looking at the red-eyed Link. "I mean, I had something taken away from me…by HIM!" He jabbed a finger at the short sorcerer.
Vaati was pushed back a bit, darn his unsteady movements on the clouds. "Still mad about the rag?" He was puzzled. It was just a stinky old rag, wasn't it? What's so special about it? He didn't feel any magic from it…
Dark Link twitched. "I just want my arrows and bow back." He growled at the two shorter villains. It was a good advantage to be taller, you know.
"Ya'll are both driving me NUTS." Shadow Link felt a headache coming. Somehow, he felt like someone anticipated this already. Maybe it was just his monthly--…oh wait, he doesn't get monthlies. Maybe it was just his imagination, yes, that's right, his imagination.
"U-Uh…" Vaati pointed to the glowing bomb still in Dark's hand. "B-bomb…."
It was too late when Dark had realized. The bomb blew up with a huge boom. When the smoke and other air particles cleared, Dark was actually glad he survived. Yay for being Dark!! He cheered to himself, but then he felt dread when he realized something:
They just blew up GANONDORF'S castle. With a BOMB. One freaking little bomb against a giant heavy, powerful looking castle. Dammit! He knew he should have hid those books and his weapons elsewhere! Now they're probably blown to pieces!
Vaati had taken down the force field that had protected him and looked at the castle (or the remains of it). "I'm so not taking blame for this." The minish boy told Dark. Good thing he just moved there a day ago, he didn't put most of his things in the room. Maybe a book or two…but hey, he knew everything in the books he had. He didn't even know why he kept them.
Shadow Link, well…just survived due to reasons unknown. There wasn't even a scratch on him. Lucky him. All the pieces of the castle somehow missed him when he was just standing there. When the bomb exploded, he looked like, well…he looked the same. Maybe it was the tunic…but Shadow's just happy to be alive. "As I said before, ya'll are driving me crazy." He grumbled to himself.
"Oh shit. We blew up Ganon's castle…and my side of the castle." Dark groaned. He knew something bad is going to happen to him. He just felt it in his gut…or maybe that was breakfast…wait, did he even have breakfast? Oh great! He left some good stuff in the kitchen and now he can't even eat it because the kitchen was obviously on fire and burning up pretty fast.
"So…I'm guessing none of us are going to eat breakfast?" Shadow asked, also looking at the burning kitchen. "My sandwiches!!" He wailed sadly. "I spent two hours on them!!"
"Who the hell spends two hours on sandwiches?" Dark snapped. Damn headache.
"Obviously Shadow." Vaati was staring at Ganon's room. Or where it should be. It was just a giant burnt…thing now. Good thing Ganon went on vacation, or was it to rule another world? He didn't care, but he would sure not want to leave this world in the hands of the Gerudo Thief Lord.
Great, two hours of sitting in front of Zelda talking like there's no tomorrow. What on Hyrule's name was that girl going on about? Link pondered on that. Nah, he couldn't remember.
Ew, that ant just had his head ripped off by his window. He better clean that later.
"….and then the castle blew up!!" Zelda finished her really long whatever she was saying. "Link?…You're not paying attention are you?"
Link looked up and blinked. When did Zelda start talking?
The Princess sighed. "Anyways, the main point of this was that you don't have to worry about Ganondorf coming for us anytime soon. Or any other villain."
Yay. Now leave girl. Link showed Princess Zelda to the door. Sometimes Zelda was too much. Especially when Link was thinking about moldy bread.
"So…who wants to run out of here and like, pretend to be someone else and live with Link or something?" Shadow asked the other two.
Dark rammed his head on a crumbled wall. At least it was big enough for him to ram his head on.
"Geez, I hate this place. There's like, no air up here at all! I'm going back to the Minish world!" Vaati snapped his fingers and he was off.
"Damn little purple boy. I feel bad for his village." Dark continued to ram his head on the wall that was crumbling with each hit it took. Well…maybe if he died, Shadow can take the blame.
"I'm so not taking the blame when you die, Dark."