Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.
I had been changed. My only wish had been fulfilled, and now my life was ruined.
Six months ago we had had the perfect wedding. It was wonderful. I was able to say goodbye to my parents, friends. We were happy.
Our honeymoon was short and sweet. We had tried and succeeded. We made love. It was so passionate, but so filled with love that I could never doubt what he felt for me.
A week later we were in Alaska and preparing for my change. Edward was still apprehensive; worried he would make a mistake, or lose control. I had complete faith in him. Everything went according to plan, he bit me, I changed, and he held me. Edward sung to me, talked to me, and held me throughout my transformation. The real change only occurred after I woke up.
My heart had stopped. As I felt the coldness of death creep over me I felt Edward pull away. I had been in so much pain, but his presence comforted me. I didn't understand why now, after the worst of the pain was gone, he would pull away. I didn't understand.
It's been five months, two weeks, and three days since my husband touched me. I awoke to find him staring at the wall, barely containing his sobs. He hasn't touched me, spoken to me, even looked at me.
I thought it was for what he had done to me, remorse for the pain he had put me through, my family agreed. After he refused to talk to me, we gave him time. Time to realize that I was still there, that he could spend eternity with me, that I was exactly the same as before. It hasn't worked. He doesn't care.
I finally realized two weeks ago that he is mourning. It's not self-blame. He mourns for the love he killed, the love he lost. He never loved me he loved the human me.
I awoke from the change that would allow me to spend eternity with the one I loved, only to discover he didn't want me anymore. Without my blood and beating heart, he no longer loved me.
Alice saw my plan as soon as it came to me. She tried to talk me out of it, tried to tell me that I was wrong. That I just needed to give him more time. I'm not wrong. I know that without a shred of doubt.
Finally she agreed. I promised to keep in touch, something I fully intend to do. But I need to get away. I can't bear to be in the same house as the husband who can't stand the sight of me. Can't stand to be in the same room as me. I'm not the one he wants. He will never have the person he loves anymore. She is dead.
The family went out for a hunt. Alice and I stayed behind. I knew Edward needed to feed and he refused to go whenever I did, so I stayed behind. It was the perfect opportunity.
They planned to be gone for a few days. Three at the most.
I would leave the first day. Alice understood now. She could see how hurt I was to know that it was never me he loved. She helped me by blocking her visions over the past week or so. I love her for it.
After they left, I packed. My clothes had all been in Edward's room to begin with. It would have been our room, but then he changed. I moved my clothes out in the first week, not wanting to push him into anything he couldn't handle. I had hoped it wouldn't be permanent, but like all of my wishes, that went unfulfilled.
Alice insisted I keep the only credit card they had given me. She said that even if I wasn't with them, that I was always a part of their family. I was truly touched and grateful. I still had a hard time controlling my thirst and knew I wouldn't be able to work for a long time. I didn't really expect to need anything, but knowing that I had the means to get it if I did, was nice.
With a duffle bag, backpack, and one of the many tents the Cullens had bought as props, I was ready to go. Alice gave me a kiss on the cheek and a fierce hug. I returned both before turning away.
I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, but I can't stay their any longer. Being in the same house as him, but not being able to touch him…it hurt worse than if he were to have left me.
The family came home to a quiet house. After Bella's change it had been a bit mellower than before, but the complete lack of noise was disturbing.
Jasper found Alice in their room, silently sobbing and hugging a pillow. He could feel the sadness pouring off of her. Although he knew nothing of what was wrong, he cradled her, trying to use both his words and gift to soothe her.
He quickly called Edward, hoping that he would be able to tell Jasper what was wrong with his wife. Moody and brooding though he was Edward still cared about his family.
One word circled around Alice's head. Something that Edward could make no sense out of, but still put fear in him. Bella.
"What about Bella?" His voice was a little harsher than he had intended, but he needed to know what could be wrong with his wife.
Alice looked up at him, her little face etched in sorrow. "She's gone." Quickly burying her face back into her husband's chest, she began to sob once again.
"Gone?" His voice sounded far away, distant in disbelief. "Gone where?" She had just gone hunting, or off on an errand? No, Edward didn't truly believe that. If she had Alice wouldn't be crying like this.
The little pixie lifted her face again, a fierce glare aimed at her brother. "I don't know. She wouldn't tell me. She's gone."
"But she's coming back? When?" The reality of the situation would not sink in. His Bella could not be gone.
"No. She's not. I don't think she ever will." Alice's eyes were cold with blame. She had tried to talk to her brother before, tell him what his actions were doing to Bella. He refused to listen.
Edward blinked at his sister, not comprehending. "Gone?" His voice was little more than a whisper.
He didn't understand. After changing her he had felt so guilty. So in love yet so unworthy of his wife that it was all he could do not to touch her. He had damned her to this existence of living off of blood and she didn't blame him. So he blamed himself. Edward had spent the last five and a half months wallowing in his own self-hatred. He had taken a perfect angel and damned her to hell.
Refusing to let his own selfish desire get the better of him, Edward had avoided her. He knew if he was in the same room with her, that if he even looked at her, he would sweep her into his arms, crush his lips to her. It was something he did not deserve.
Why would she have left? Did she really hate him now? Had Bella finally discovered what a monster he is and ran from him? He had believed that she loved him, had he been wrong? Edward was pulled out his questions by Jasper's voice.
"Edward. When was the last time you held at Bella? Touched her? Kissed her? Looked at her?" His voice was calm but there was pain hidden in its depth.
"I…" The questions spun in Edward's head. He didn't know the last time. He couldn't remember doing it during the past few months. "I don't know." As he went over the months, carefully but quickly, in his head, Edward realized he did know. "Before her change…Oh god." His voice was a whisper as he looked at Jasper and Alice with pleading eyes. "What have I done?"
"You pushed her away Edward. In your own self-blame, self-hatred, you pushed her away. Anytime she came close to you, you would either run or flinch. What do you think she felt from that? She doesn't even believe you love her anymore. It's her worst nightmare. She was changed to be with you, but you didn't want her." Alice's voice was only a whisper, telling him only some of the things Bella had confided in her.
"Of course I wanted her!" Edward's voice rose in the utter ridiculousness of the accusation. "I only stayed away because I didn't deserve her! I was happy to just watch from afar, to not invade her life any further."
"You are such an idiot!" Alice's eyes were blazing with anger as she pushed herself from her husband. "It doesn't matter if you or anyone else thinks you don't deserve her. She wanted you! She tried to touch you, to love you, but you only pushed her away! And now she left!" The sobs overtook her little body once again.
"Oh Bella…what have I done…?" Edward had long since sunk to his knees. The horrible realization that he had once again hurt the only person he had ever loved dawned on him.
Once again he had believed he was unworthy of her, distanced himself from her, and it only hurt her. Now she was gone. He had no way of knowing where she went or what she was going to do. Alice had promised not to look into her future and she would not break that promise, not even for Edward.
A/N: Okay kiddies, that's it! I know it's a HUGE cliffie of a one-shot but that was the idea that popped into my head and I figured, you can imagine the rest? Make sense? I hope so!