Authors Notes: I don't even want to think about how long ago it was that I last updated. I finished this chapter like a week after chapter 6, but before I finished my final edits and uploaded it, my computer died. I lost everything! I got my new laptop a few months later, but I put off re-writing this chapter as I couldn't even remember what went into the original!
But now I've already made everyone wait way too long... so I guess if this doesn't come out perfectly, you know why ...stupid unreliable computers! :'(
"Kakuzu-sama is now the Leader," Pein stated, whilst the 'Leader's' smile became even bigger in size.
"WHAT!" Several outraged Akatsuki members exclaimed.
Chapter 7: Board Meeting of Doom
"Kakuzu-sama?!" Hidan exclaimed. "Now I know you're completely fucking insane!"
"What!? How is that even possible!?" Kisame asked.
Deidara just sat in shock, his many mouths hanging open.
"I sold Akatsuki to him. Kakuzu-sama is now our Leader." Pein explained calmly.
"What were you thinking!?" Konan hissed.
"This is fucking stupid. Like I'm ever going to accept fuck-face over there as the Leader." Hidan snarled.
Kakuzu just relaxed further back into his sun lounger with a smug look on his face and let Pein answer for him.
"You are now legally obliged to address Kakuzu-sama with the appropriate levels of reverence that his new position as Evil Overlord demands. The penalty for not complying is a 10,000 ryo fine, and one week imprisonment with Tobi."
"Legally obliged? Don't tell me he tricked you into signing something!?" Konan's voice was beginning to take on a slightly panicked edge.
Their ex-leader just hung his head in shame. "He offered me one million... what was I supposed to do..." He mumbled.
"This just keeps on getting worse!" Konan now appeared to be in full-blown hysterics. It was like the stuff from nightmares. "You can't do this!" She yelled at her new boss.
Kakuzu just smiled indulgently at her and instead addressed his partner. "I'm still waiting on that fuzzy shark..."
Hidan opened his mouth to let fly a stream of curses, but stopped as he remembered who was currently holding his scythe and rosary as hostages. "...Fine..." He muttered grudgingly and made his way as slowly to the galley as he dared, dragging his feet all the way.
"...And as for the rest of you," Kakuzu continued "I suggest you grab a bingo book and start collecting bounties. I'm setting you a target of ten million each by the end of the week. Anyone who does not meet their target will face... repercussions." An evil smirk appeared on his face that caused his new subordinates to realize just exactly what they were in for.
One week later:
Kakuzu sighed exasperatedly as he paced up and down. He had called the other members into the new 'boardroom': Hidan had been turfed out of his room early Monday morning and told to share with Tobi. His meagre possessions had shortly joined him and were replaced with an expensive oak table, chairs and a couple of potted plants. Unfortunately, the bounty hunting progress meeting wasn't turning out quite the way Kakuzu had hoped though.
"I gave you all one simple task each and yet you managed to fuck it up. All you had to do was grab a Ninja Guardian and that would have covered three of your quotas!" Kakuzu reached the end of the room, turned around and continued his pacing. "You didn't even manage a single Ryo between the lot of you!"
It was true. The Itachi/Kisame combo had decided to give authority (Kakuzu) the finger and go after the Kyuubi instead. However, a week later all they had achieved was putting one Jounin in a coma and leaving a certain sibling with a massive shiner.
The Sasori/Deidara combo had decided to take the week off as leave. Deidara returned looking slightly more tanned and Sasori moved with a suspicious metallic clinking noise. If they had been raking in the cash though, neither was handing it over.
Pein had been ill all week; his psychologist reported dangerous levels of ennui that made him unfit for work. None of the members were particularly surprised by this. They were mildly disappointed however that there was no medication the doctor could prescribe.
Hidan was made the Akatsuki's new cleaner, although his tools of the trade were restricted to a toothbrush, and Konan had been 'promoted' to Kakuzu's Personal Assistant. In her opinion demotion was more accurate though, as making coffee did not seem an appropriate use of her talents. In some ways she would have preferred Hidan's new position within the Akatsuki, as at least then she wouldn't have to put up with Kakuzu's temper-tantrums. The man got his knickers in a twist if she so much as breathed wrong.
The Tobi/Zetsu combo did at least try to catch a few bounties, but to no avail. Every time they caught up with a target and convinced them to fight, just a few words from Tobi and they scarpered. Apparently they were concerned that his stupidity was contagious.
Kakuzu sighed yet again. "You leave me with no choice. You're fired!"
"Oh sorry, got a bit carried away there. I meant you will all be spending the next twenty-four hours in The Hole. With Tobi."
"But I was your assistant!" Konan protested. "You said I was exempt!"
"I don't care. All of you - get in The Hole!" he barked shooing them out into the hall. He frogmarched then down towards the kitchen and stopped just outside the door. He grabbed Hidan by the collar and threw him over the threshold where he landed in an undignified heap. The rest trooped in after him before Kakuzu decided to throw them too.
"This is it? This is The Hole?" Hidan sneered looking around.
Kakuzu merely slammed the door shut, locked it and stormed off.
"I wouldn't go as far as to call it a hole, but it is pretty grotty in here," Konan commented offhandedly.
"Fuck off! I had to clean everything with my toothbrush for Jashin's sake!" Hidan yelled.
Tobi seemed pleased with the arrangements even if no one else did. "Yay! Tobi gets to spend the whole day with his bestest friends in the whole wide world!" the masked man yelled happily.
A synchronized groan was his only response.
Twenty-Four Hours Later:
Kakuzu walked down the hallway towards The Hole feeling something as close to guilt as was possible for a ninety-one year old S-class criminal. Perhaps twenty-four hours straight with Tobi was a little harsh: twenty-four seconds of Tobi's presence is usually all that's needed to piss Deidara off.
As Kakuzu approached the door he could hear his partner talking loudly, and the occasional snicker coming from some of the others. Kakuzu opened the door and stepped in to the room just in time to catch the punch line.
"So he says 'Know it? I fucking wrote it!'"
The imprisoned Akatsuki members roared with laughter.
"Enjoying ourselves, are we?" Kakuzu hissed as he glared round at his subordinates who were currently rolling around on the floor in hysterics.
"Well what did you expect, un? How do you think we spend a normal day, yeah?" Deidara asked.
"Less talking, more fucking repenting!" Kakuzu snapped back. "Let's see how you like a whole fucking week in The Hole with Tobi!" He stormed out once again, panicking slightly as he realised he was starting to sound scarily like Hidan. Maybe he needed to get laid...
The imprisoned members sat in stunned silence for a moment looking between Hidan and the door. Zetsu finally broke the silence by asking "...The fuck?"
"He seriously needs to get laid." Hidan commented with his usual tact.
There was a muffled scream of rage and what sounded like someone repeatedly bashing their head against the wall outside.
This time there was a whole chorus of "...The fuck?"
Authors Note: So this technically isn't a whole chapter – It's more like filler as I didn't even get to start on where I wanted this chapter to go, but I just feel like I needed to post something on here. I kept looking at this once in a while but never got anywhere with it so hopefully a fresh start on the chapter will get things back on track.