OMG! I'm sorry DX
Once again school is being my bitchmaster along side life in general. If it makes anyone happy I've instantly started writing chapter 12 so that should be on it's way soon.
Urgh, I really hate this chapter :P I had finished it a week ago but it ended up being too whiny/emotastical/violent/blah so I edited it. It's so terrible... please forgive me 8(
Also THANK YOU EVERYONE for reviewing this (Hugs you all with love) Your reviews kept me motivated. Now on to the long chapter :D
"My Uncle... was the only one who wanted me. At least, that's what I had thought at the time..."
Gaara was only six years old.
He knew what hate was. It was something that was always in his father and siblings eyes. It was a word that was said directly towards him several times, and it was the reason his father would knock him around. It was the voices the resounded within his mind, constantly reminding him how much he is hated.
"It's your fault!"
you wasn't born, then she would be here..."
"I hate you"
"I hate you."
"I hate you..."
Gaara looked up at his blonde uncle, smiling nervously, not wanting to do anything wrong.
"H-hello Uncle Yashamaru..."
"Is something wrong?"
"I..." Gaara didn't know how to talk properly. He was so use to his family's hatred, he never really learnt how to talk to other people. The other children in the neighbor hood stayed away from him, mainly because they were already friends with his older brother or sister. Teachers at school didn't take much notice of him either. He did talk to his bear a lot, but even so he knew that it wasn't the same as talking to a real person.
Gaara gulped, trying to speak again.
"Well that's good to hear."
Gaara blushed seeing his uncle's happy smile. He wished he knew what to say, wanting the older blonde man to like him back.
"I... like bears."
"Really? What kind?"
"...I... like all of them. The black and white ones look the nicest."
"Oh, you mean pandas?"
"Hm, I do too. I think they look cute... like you Gaara."
Gaara's blush darken. He had never been treated so nicely before.
"Thank you uncle. But..."
"...Don't you hate me?... big sister said that I killed your sister. So... don't you... hate me too?..."
Gaara trailed off, speaking softly and staring at his black and blue shoes. He was afraid his Uncle would remember what he had done and lash out on him like his father did a few days ago. Something flickered past his Uncle's eyes before a sad smile over took his face.
"I don't hate you Gaara... I love you..."
The last words were whispered into the small redhead's ear, causing a weird sensation to spread through his body.
'Somebody... loves me...'
Gaara didn't say anything in response, but smiled nervously whilst staring at his feet.
"Gaara... would you like to live with me?"
Gaara could feel a great surge of happiness well up inside him. Not only did someone talked to him and said he loved him - but had actually asked him to live with him.
Perhaps from this point on, things will finally get better for him.
"At that time, I really wanted to be liked so desperately that I had clung to any kindness given to me..."
Gaara felt Lee squeeze his hand, seeing the look in those dark eyes for him to continue. Letting out a sigh, Gaara tried to finish his story and get through the hardest part.
The first few weeks were the best weeks in the red haired boy's life. Gaara adjusted well to his new environment, settling down in the small apartment. His Uncle would help him with school work and Gaara tried his very best to help with the chores in the house. He truly felt happy, even though sometimes he worried when his Uncle had that sad look in his eyes whilst staring out of the window. However, Yashamaru always smiled when he saw Gaara making Gaara wanting to smile too.
His sister had started writing to him, asking if he was okay and if he was happy with his Uncle. Gaara never replied, fearing that it was all fake concerns, but he kept all the letters in his big book of bears to keep them safe. Even though he still had some resentment towards his siblings, he was touched that his sister could be bothered to keep in contact with him.
There was only one strange thing about the apartment, and that was the fact that it only had one bedroom. His Uncle insisted that they share the bed, which Gaara had thought was odd. But Gaara didn't mind, in fact it was comforting for someone to be near by. Normally whenever Gaara had a nightmare - usually about a monstrous racoon named Shukaku who would kill people with sand. Maybe his Uncle also had nightmares and needed someone too. Gaara noticed that Yashamaru didn't have a teddy bear to hold at night when he got scared, which made the red hair wonder if adults were not allowed to have toys when they grow up. So Gaara thought that it would be okay to share his bear whenever his Uncle would have a bad dream... which seemed to be frequent.
One night that Gaara couldn't sleep, he could hear Yashamaru called for his sister in his sleep as tears escaped his closed eyes. Gaara crawled over to his Uncle and hug him with his teddy bear in his arm.
"It's okay Uncle... I'm here."
Gaara kissed his forehead in attempt to kiss the pain away, like a Mother would kiss a wound on her child to make them feel better. When he pulled back he saw a pair of dark sleepy eyes stare back at him, filled with such sorrow.
"Why Gaara..." Yashamaru murmured, "Why... why did you take her away from me..."
Gaara froze, feeling over come with guilt.
"I... I didn't mean to Uncle..."
Tears threatened to fall as his Uncle repeated the question again and again. Gaara buried himself into the half-awake Yashamaru's neck.
"I'm sorry... I'm really sorry..."
Suddenly, Gaara felt him being pushed on his back with a great force. Everything was in a blur until he finally registered that his Uncle towered over him, crouching on all fours and staring at Gaara with a blank look.
They both stayed completely still. Gaara felt uncomfortable and scared, unsure about what was actually happening.
"Do... do you know what pain is Gaara?"
Gaara nodded instantly, thinking of all the heart ache other people use to give him when he had lived with his family.
Yashamaru stayed silent, but after a moment he moved closer to Gaara - placing a kiss on his forehead. This action confused the red head, but at the same time he had felt happy that his uncle responded back like that.
Because kisses were for people who you loved, and Gaara loved Yashamaru more than anything in this world. For his Uncle to give him a kiss on the forehead, it must means that he loves him too... right?
'If that was the case... why does Uncle still look sad?'
"Gaara... remember when I took you away from your old home?"
"...yes..." Gaara whispered, feeling slightly nervous swirl inside of himself.
"I took you away from your pain... right?"
Gaara responded with a nod once again.
"Then... can you help me with my pain? ...can you please help me take away my pain Gaara?"
"Of course Uncle."
Gaara had smiled, unknowingly what his Uncle had meant by help...
Gaara had sat up half way through telling his story, with Lee sitting right next to him.
At this moment, Gaara felt the feelings of anger, betrayal and... sadness - all over again. He wished he knew what was going through his Uncle's mind at the time. He wished he could have help his Uncle in some other way, any other way. Then maybe... maybe Gaara wouldn't have been so messed up in the first place. It was bad enough having to deal with his family and peers at school, but what his Uncle had done...
Green eyes glanced back to Lee's dark eyes, making Gaara remember that it was all in the past right now. It's in a place that can never harm him... yet all the emotions and feelings from that time seemed so fresh. Gaara really didn't know how he was able to tell Naruto all of this, even that part. Right now he wanted to stop taking and escape into Lee's embrace, to do anything and everything to forget. But he knew what he had to do. He said that he would tell his story, all of it... even if he felt ashamed and stupid, he trusted Lee enough to know that the boy would not look at him any different from before.
'At least I hope so...'
"Gaara... what did he do to you?"
A sigh escaped his lips as Gaara smiled sadly. Yes, he deserved to hear it all... then maybe Lee will be able to trust Gaara enough to tell him about himself.
"He... made me touch him."
Saying those words had made Gaara feel worse, worrying that Lee would become disgusted and leave. It didn't help that Lee had an angry frown on his face.
"But... You were only a child!"
The shorter boy flinched at the loud tone in Lee's voice.
"I... I thought I was helping him. The same way he had helped me..."
"But it's not the same-"
Gaara felt Lee release his hand and wrap his arm over Gaara's shoulder, bringing the two closer together. The pale boy blushed, looking surprised at Lee's comforting actions.
"-he should never have done that to you."
It took Gaara a few seconds to realize that Lee wasn't disgusted with him, but angry at his Uncle. Relief overcame him, snuggling into the delinquent's one armed embrace.
"I know. I know that now... I knew it when it was too late. But at that time, I thought it was normal..."
"Did... did he rape you?"
The green eyed boy shook his head.
"No. He never did that to me. Perhaps because he knew it would have hurt me too much and would have gone against him 'taking away my pain' speech. He just... made me touch him... to make him feel better. I didn't mind because I though I was helping him."
"That's no excuse-"
"I know Lee. He should never have done that. He should never have messed with me like that, even when he was already messed up himself. But... I loved him..."
Gaara felt his voice strained a bit at the 'love' part.
"I... loved him so much Lee, and he had said he loved me. I was so desperate to keep hold of that love that I was willing to do anything."
Gaara closed his eyes, unable to look at Lee anymore with the fear of bursting .
"But... even though he said he loved me, I soon found out that it was all a lie. As time went by, he became more violent and angry. I would wonder if I did something wrong..."
A stoic tone began to settle in Gaara's voice, slowly closing off any emotions that might have caught Lee's attention. How ever this was instantly noticed by the young tanned boy as he watched Gaara continue to speak coldly and lifelessly about his past.
"...One day... I'm not sure why, but he just told me the truth. We were setting up the table for dinner, when he suddenly looked at me and just say ...I hate you..."
Gaara opened his eyes slowly and unfocused, his face void of any expression as he stared at nothing at all.
"It's funny. It's so easy to say 'I hate you' than 'I...I love you' ...It's also more believable..."
"Gaara..." Lee felt lost for words, even though he had just whispered out his boyfriend's name. He did not like the way Gaara was acting, shutting himself away from his emotions and worst of all - he seemed to be shutting himself away from Lee even though Gaara was within his arm's reach.
'I wonder... was this how Gaara had felt earlier?' The though caused the long haired boy's chest to feel a pang of guilt, remembering Gaara's sorrowful voice earlier when Lee had not wanted Gaara to see him cry.
"I. I do not really remember what exactly happened... I just. I can still see him and..."
'That blood... there was blood everywhere... from him.'
Even though his face was completely still and calm, his body began to tremble from the memory of his Uncle...
His Uncle had tried to kill him. He could remember them both crying, but he could also remember his Uncle's hands around him neck. Gaara subconsciously stopped breathing himself for a moment as the memory flashed by.
'That's right. I couldn't breath... I reached out...'
"He was strangling me." taking in a breath to continue, Gaara managed to keep his voice under control. It was never this hard to tell Naruto, then again he didn't care about what the blonde thought of him at the time... but he cared very much about what Lee thought of him. He almost was tempted to start running before he finished the rest of his story.
'I have to finish what I've started. There's no turning back now... I want him to know the truth. I want him to know who I am.'
"I panicked and reached out for anything... I... picked up the knife. I stabbed him. I killed him. It was everywhere..."
Gaara couldn't remember much from that night, not that he'd ever want to remember everything. He paused before standing up and walking towards the mirror, keeping his back turned of Lee.
"I killed him. I murdered him... heh. I can remember the first night I came back home, my Father had said that I was just a heartless murderer."
Gaara could see his bitter grin in the mirror's translucent reflection, also seeing Lee stare at him from a distance.
"My brother and sister had said the same thing... though at the time they did not know the whole story. Just that I had killed our Uncle. They feared me... everyone seemed to fear me..."
Gaara folded his arms and stared at the tall tree out side his house, watching the green leaves move as the gust of wind blew by.
"I felt even more alone. But at that point I was so heart broken from my Uncle's hurt and lies, I just didn't care. I stopped wanting to be in contact with people. Instead I became angry and hateful. I had wanted to hurt people, to drown the me that was hurt. Hatred became everything yet... love was the hardest thing to believe in..."
Gaara turned his head slightly, looking at Lee from the corner of his eye.
"That day... when I had yelled at you. When I had said you didn't know what I was capable of..."
Green eyes looked away from Lee and stared through the window, not looking at anything in particular.
"After that incident with my Uncle, I had stopped trusting people. I grew up with hatred and I thought I would die being hated. I had stopped caring, about them and what they thought of me. Back then I would get into fights over stupid things... once I had punched a girl in the face just because she gave me a dirty look. I was moved from school to school until we arrived here."
Gaara paused feeling Lee wrap his arms around his waist, resting his head on the shorter boy's shoulder. A small smile crept across the pale face, breaking his stoic mask from the comforting hug. However, his voice continued to sound robotic without any emotions at all. Despite the comfort Lee was giving him, doubt began to eat away at the back of Gaara's mind.
"I met this boy in my class called Naruto. Like everybody else, I hated him - probably even more than others. He would constantly talk to me, trying to get to know me and befriend me. But like I said, I couldn't trust anyone... we would always fight. But no matter what I did he was always so determined. It wasn't until one day after one big fight we actually talked."
Gaara turned to face Lee, eyes meeting with determination. Gaara was no longer afraid of Lee's reaction. Just nervous, although those warm bandaged hands stayed in contact with him. Perhaps there was hope after all.
"He told me that he wanted to be my friend, because I reminded him of himself from his child hood. The way I looked so lonely with hate in my eyes. He told me his past and... I told him mine."
Gaara gripped onto Lee's arms, never wanting to let go of him.
"Apart from you and Naruto, I have never told anyone of what had happened with my Uncle. Not even the police or my siblings... although I do get along with my brother and sister now. I guess that's thanks to Naruto..."
"Naruto is a good friend then?"
"Yes. I guess I wouldn't be the person I am now if it wasn't for him. I... I have a lot to thank him for... He saved me from myself."
"We are our own worst enemy sometimes." Lee murmured, his hand trailing up Gaara's arm to the nape of his neck. His thumb stroked the soft skin of Gaara's neck, as Lee tilted his head smiling warmly.
"So... Naruto is an important person then?"
"He is. He's my very first friend, even if he is a total idiot 24/7 he does have his moments. But..."
"But?" Lee echoed.
"...He doesn't make me feel the way you do."
Lee smiled seeing that familiar small blush across his face. He leaned forwards to give Gaara a kiss right where the scar of 'love' was.
"Thank you for telling me... I don't know what to say..."
"Does knowing what I have told you changed your perception of me?"
Lee blinked with a blank look.
Gaara felt like face-slamming himself into the wall with embarrassment.
'Dammit brain - perception? Technical words from
"I meant to say- how you see me... aside from a nerd of course."
"You're still Gaara... yup, you're still the lovable cutie fell for."
Lee's words struck Gaara like an arrow to the heart, making him feel like crying - feeling that this was all too good to be true. Tears formed at the corner of his eyes as the twisting emotions of happiness and sadness soar through his chest. Lee noticed the sudden change in Gaara, dropping his smile to a look of concern.
"Gaara, what's wrong?"
"It's nothing... just... I'm happy, even if I don't deserve it..."
"That's silly." Lee frowned but held Gaara closer, cradling the boy in his arms with one hand on top of the messy strands of red hairs. "What makes you say that? Your past? What your family put you through? ...It doesn't matter who or what you are. You have a right to be happy just as anyone else... beside, if you say that then doesn't that mean someone like me isn't worth a moment of happiness?"
"You're different. I'm..."
"A goody-two shoes student with a temper and a cute ass. I know it's such a tragedy, much worse than someone like me on the streets causing all sorts of mischief. Seriously reading Shakespeare and doing maths should be outlawed."
"Honestly, does no one think of the children any more?"
"I'm not a goody two shoes..."
"Hush now, I'm trying to spoil you with manly love."
"Brilliant." Gaara mumbled into Lee's chest, but couldn't help but laugh a little at the taller boy's comment. Gaara was glad knowing that Lee knew about him. The red head was willing to wait for Lee to tell Gaara about himself, the reasons why he never goes to school and who keeps hurting him. He tightened his hold on Lee, accepting that until that time comes he'll just be there for him...
"Oh- it's dark out there."
Gaara turned his head to see the night sky, giving out a grunt.
"Maybe I should go..." Lee realized he should probably go train and get ready for the match tomorrow night. Besides, he had left his bike outside Orochimaru's building. He might as well prepare himself whilst he was there.
It was small and easy to miss, but that voice reached Lee's ears and surprised him.
Thoughts went through the delinquent's mind. Should he stay? Should he go?
In the end Lee just found that he couldn't or rather wouldn't leave Gaara , as he found himself lying next to the boy on the small bed - feeling completely content and at peace for the first time in a long time.
Hope you liked it... review please?