Aboard the craft which Gaius Baltar had secretly dubbed, to commemorate his recent cyborg-threesome jackpot, the Basestar Pimptactica, the Cylons known as Caprica-Six, Sharon 'Boomer' Valerii, and D'Anna Biers were gathered in a corridor indulging in a little human tradition known as 'girl time'. When she had first begun the painful process of accepting her true identity and integrating herself into machine society, one of Boomer's many fears had been that a community comprised of seven individuals could not possibly replace the rich and frequently scandalous social atmosphere she had enjoyed aboard the Galactica.
She was beginning to see that she had been very, very wrong.
"And then Doral and Simon burst into the room with a frakload of Centurions to find out what the smoke is, and guess what they find?" D'Anna's eyes glittered salaciously. Caprica leaned forward expectantly.
"They find the place packed full of number Twos looking like guilty schoolboys, surrounded by so much New Caprican Leaf it qualified as a fire hazard!" The girls dissolved into laughter.
"Seriously?" wheezed Caprica in between giggles. D'Anna nodded.
"They… they had some of Roslin's personal stash in there. They said it helped them feel especially close to God!" This was all it took to reduce the three lethal cyborg infiltrators to rolling on the floor with tears streaming down their faces. A pair of Centurions clanked down the hall and saw them on the floor. They exchanged red, oscillating glances, then decided to find another way to their destination and clanked off. The girls ignored them.
"If… if she ever sees him again…" gasped Boomer, "Think she'll find something worse than the airlock for him?"
"For making off with her weed?" snickered D'Anna. "Definitely!"
Cavil, Doral, and Simon loomed over the girls, their expressions unreadable.
Caprica was on her feet first, instantly regaining her poise and dignity. Having been in a long-term relationship with Gaius Baltar, she had no small amount of practice with handling embarrassing situations with aplomb. Boomer and D'Anna were right behind her. "Yes, gentlemen?" she said sweetly.
Cavil sighed. "Ladies, I hope we're not interrupting anything…"
"Not at all!" D'Anna said, her voice unnervingly chirpy. Sharon stayed silent in the background, mentally projecting herself somewhere far, far away.
"Are you sure? I'll bet you can rack up some real karma points with your God by continuing to carry on like this."
Six rolled her eyes. "Brother, do you have some sort of sub-routine that compels you to invoke the wrath of the Almighty at every single opportunity?"
"Why yes, yes I do," he shot back. "It's in the directory marked C:/SweetMachineReason. You should dig around for it, maybe it would help you see-"
"Enough," Simon cut in. "We didn't come here to bicker. Or to learn what you three do when we're not around."
"Oh, well that's good then," said D'Anna. "What did you come here for?"
"We were wondering whether your or any copies of your models were currently available for a relationship," said Doral. This was accompanied by the sound of Simon and Cavil simultaneously smacking their palms into their foreheads. Subtlety was quite simply not Doral's strong suit.
Caprica kept a polite smile on her face while she suppressed her gag reflex. Dear God, she prayed, I have always obeyed You and honored Your commandments. But I swear on Your Name, if I am being simultaneously hit on by the dork, the blasphemer, and the creepy guy who collects embryos, I will kill myself. Permanently. Fair warning.
Boomer was putting up an absolutely epic struggle against a giggling fit. The very thought of her and Cavil… well, it was quite simply never going to happen. Ever. D'Anna's lilting accent cut through the awkwardness like a razor. "Why, Five," she cooed, "that's sweet, but-"
"Not with Five, you idiots!" Bellowed Cavil. "With him! He's driving us all insane!"
"It's a choice between this and boxing him," added Doral quietly.
"You want to box Simon?" Sharon asked.
"I can't say I disapprove," D'Anna mused, smiling maliciously. "He hasn't really done much since the farm business, has he?"
"Oh, what a surprise, D'Anna wants to box someone." Caprica rolled her eyes, and just like that old wounds reopened.
"Going to slam a chunk of concrete into my skull now, Caprica?" Three asked. "Maybe kick off another peace movement with a bit of Cylon-on-Cylon violence."
"Why does everyone always get down on me for the peace movement? It's not like it was a bad idea…"
Boomer sighed, closed her eyes, and tried to project herself somewhere saner and with fewer cyborg catfights. Despite being in a twisted sort-of-relationship, every so often the box vs. concrete issue would come up and Three and Six would go off on each other for a half hour or so before making up and screwing Baltar. It was almost as tiresome as that rhythmic pounding noise interfering with her projection… Thud. Thud. Thud.
She opened her eyes to see Cavil slamming his head into a wall. Hard. Doral and Simon were just standing there, watching him, their faces impassive. Gradually, Caprica and D'Anna also noticed it and fell silent.
Thud. Thud. Th- Cavil stopped in mid-Thud and looked at them. "Woah, you actually stopped? Hell, I gotta start doing this more often."
"We wouldn't object," Caprica said.
Cavil rolled his eyes. "Look, no one wants anyone to do anything with Four or Five. We're talking about Two."
"Ohhhh," D'Anna said. "Been going on about the streams again, has he?"
"No," Sharon said, eyes widening. "He's always done that. This is about Starbuck, isn't it?"
"Bingo!" Cavil pointed at Sharon. "That's right. It was bad enough before, but ever since she actually kissed him…"
"Four and I are convinced this was intentional," Doral interrupted. "A human ploy to make him even more insufferable, and thereby divide us."
"Well, if it was, it's sure as hell working," Cavil said. "You girls don't know how bad it's gotten. You should have seen him at the last meeting- Why weren't you at the last meeting, anyway? Your sisters were wondering."
"Threesome," D'Anna said.
"Threesome," Caprica said.
"Angst," Sharon said.
"Ah. I see. Very busy." Cavil rolled his eyes again. "Well, lucky for you we preserved the minutes. Four?"
Simon cleared his throat and started reading. "Number One read the agenda to the meeting. Agenda was as follows: Item the First: Annihilation of the human race. Item the Second: Baseship maintenance. Item the Third: Care and feeding of pet humans, specifically Gaius Baltar.'
'Number One asked for a vote to accept the agenda, which was opposed by Number Two, who proposed a number of amendments to the agenda, to whit: Item the Fourth, the reading of a poem composed by Number Two entitled "Ode to Kara". Item the Fifth, legislation permitting human/Cylon marriage. Item the Sixth, viewing and discussion of the contents of a disc containing approximately three and a half hours of Hybrid output and its relation to the destiny of Kara Thrace. Item the Seventh, a vote on whether to formally acknowledge the supreme beauty, radiance, and divinity of Kara Thrace. Item the Eighth-"
"Okay guys, I think we get the picture," Boomer said.
"You sure? Cause there's plenty more where that came from," Cavil said.
"We had to resort to drastic measures to proceed with the meeting," Doral said sadly. The others all knew what he was talking about. There was a foolproof way of shutting Leoben up, but the Cylons rarely used it, for the price it carried was terrible indeed. "That particular copy of Two may never be the same."
"We need something to take his mind off of Thrace," Simon said. "A relationship with another female-"
"Out of the question," Three said firmly.
"Agreed," said Six. "My model may have been built with seduction in mind, but it was also built with certain standards. And I say this as someone who finds Gaius Baltar good company."
"Wait… what about the Hybrid?" Sharon asked. "He already spends a lot of time with her."
"Uh… yeah. We considered that, and decided against it, for a number of reasons," Cavil said. "One, she's covered in goo. Two, if it doesn't work out between them- which, all things considered, it probably won't- Leoben will likely be left even more frakked up, a concept I have difficulty even computing. Three, if it does work out between them- well, let me put it this way. Who here wants the Twos to have intimate influence with the entity in charge of the Basestar? Specifically, the Basestar and all its Raiders, missiles, and nukes? Anyone?"
No hands were raised.
"Yeah. Thought so."
"Simon," D'Anna said. "You're his friend. Can't you just talk-"
"I am not Two's friend," he said with emphasis. "Two doesn't have friends, unless you count the Hybrid. He just keeps harassing me because I once removed Thrace's ovary. He wants to know where it is so he can 'pay tribute to its beauty and fertility'. He has a frakking shrine ready for it. It's very unnerving."
"Well, none of us are going to do anything," Six said definitively. "That goes for our sisters as well."
"That's it then," Doral said, a little sadly. "We'll just have to box him."
"No, no," said Sharon. "There must be another way. I mean, we live with Gaius Frakking Baltar aboard this ship, we have to be able to live with-"
"Wait. Stop. Idea," D'Anna cut in, eyes gleaming.
"What? Now what?" Cavil was more than a little apprehensive. Whoever had designed the Threes had made certain that their eyes only gleamed like that when something horrible was imminent.
"Well… you are always going on about how Baltar ought to earn his keep around here." Three grinned malevolently. "And what we're basically talking about here is counseling Leoben about a woman. Who knows more-"
"No. Dear God in Heaven, no." Six was someplace in between abject horror and helpless giggling. "If Leoben ever actually does learn something from Gaius- I mean, can you imagine it? Him going around, trying out Gaius' lines…"
"No, I really can't. Not sure I want to," Boomer said. "Although I have to admit my curiousity's acting up."
Cavil opened his mouth to tell them all why they were frakking idiots and this was the worst idea they'd come up with since God, then had a thought. If Gaius failed even half as spectacularly as Cavil thought he would, maybe his fellow Cylons would finally see reason and send their pet human hurtling out an airlock.
"Well, it's worth a shot," he found himself saying with forced cheeriness. "Sure, let's do it!"
Doral and Simon glanced at each other, then murmured halfhearted assent. Six and Three beamed. "All right then," D'Anna said. "We'll talk to Gaius tomorrow, and I'm sure he'll have Two sorted out in no time."
Far below them, in the core of the Basestar, the Hybrid gibbered in her tub, a little more agitated than usual. "Temperature at nominal levels/why thank you this is fresh goo/Centurions, stop fiddling with your inhibitors/Oh my God are they serious/We are all so incredibly frakked/Engines functioning normally/So so so frakked/End of line."
The Basestar Pimptactica coasted along through the void.